Let this year be...

"We all need to be noticed". I think Chuck said this in For One More Day, I am not sure. But I do agree.

...

I don't usually hang out with crowds of people. I don't because it doesn't appeal to me.

I crave for intimate small talk where people can tell me about their lives and their emotions, rather than one big group boisterously chatting and discussing the latest fads and trends.

I am a people-people when I am close to most of those hanging around. When it is a big big crowd, I start to feel awkward.

Or maybe, I have always a phobia for people. All these years? I don't know.

...

I am sincerely grateful to C for allowing me to the countdown last night. Although yes really, I do feel very out of the group.

Which made me wonder time and again, from before accepting the invite to when I was there, if I should be there.

I enjoy their company, but does anyone enjoy my company?

As I have learnt, human relations are stuff of heavy maintenance.

For me, it is especially hard because I think too much.

I can't create conversations when I don't even feel that I am in the circle.

Ha, maybe I am too obsessive with vibes.

Yes, yes, I may be sensitive. Maybe even overly sensitive. I acknowledge that.

But that aside, maybe then there really is some truth to it.

...

For a few moments last night, I kind of wished I hadn't chosen my 2008 to end in that way.

No no. It is not that I don't enjoy their company. I do.

They have been so much of my life that I contemplated them being my sisters for my wedding.

But last night, on the last night of 2008, I realized something:

Relationships are a two-way process. I may like someone very much but if that extent of likeness is not reciprocated, then it will only run into a dead end.

....

No no, I don't have many friends.

That is true, really.

Maybe I am too choosy. Maybe I am too selective. Maybe I am too rotten. Maybe, maybe I am just meant to be lonely?

Do I hate that fact?

Yes, of course.

But I can't help it.

I have been trying to mix in, but I haven't been successful.

The way I have learnt: Friendships are fostered over time, over toil, hardship and sweat.

So I guess it is only right that I feel left out since I didn't participate in all four of them.

...

I guess I meant to say, I cherish the times we spent togther.

That they were there to comfort me when I cried, to hold me when I fell.

To laugh with me when I laughed, to teach me when I am stuck.

All that I appreciate. From the bottom of my heart.

And I feel sad that I am amidst the shadows in their hearts' boundaries.

That I will only always be amidst the shadows.

...

It has always been like this since young, and while it is upsetting, I have gotten used to it somehow.

I am a figure of the shadow and that way I shall stay.

There is nothing to lament about; it just needs acknowledgement and contentment.

....

2009: Let this be a year of acknowledgement, discernment and contentment.

All the best for the new year!

The last blog entry before the new year!

*screams*

I have many things to write about, yet I am not sure what I should write about. Well...

...

I was looking through my stuff when I came across old letters and cards which dated back to 2004.

Gee. What was I doing then?

I had probably just finished my Honours year, applied to do Masters.

2004. I don't know. Feels like a long time ago. Was I like how I am now?

I don't know. I feel that that part of my memory is blocked. How and why, I can't explain. But I just can't seem to be able to access it.

I saw the letter from my friend. So we did write to each other for a while? Why can't I recall that?

What happened thereafter? Was it I who broke the correspondence?

Then, I should feel ashamed.

...

I am feeling terribly afraid.

You see. I look forward to my new job, but at the same time, I am afraid.

Morrie says that is a tension of opposites.

I think so too!

A tension of opposites. Looking forward yet dreadful. Hhmmm...just like how I love dance and hate it. How I love R and hate him sometimes?

Ha...I don't know.

I am heading for a countdown party tonight. And I am quite anxious about it too.

Anxious because it has been a long time since I went to one and I am not quite sure if the company will turn out ok.

Well...I worry too much I think.

Time to start worrying less and doing more!

Thanks for the great friendship in the past year!

All the best to you for 2009!!!

Lesson of the year

I usually take quite a long time to read a book but in two days, I have finished reading Tuesdays with Morrie. Even R was surprised. When I returned the book to him (it belongs to his sister), he went "So fast?"

Yeah. I guess that meant it is a good book.

Because it is.

...

You must be quite familiar with the contents even though you may not have read it yourself. It is a New York Bestseller so I would assume everyone kind of know what happens in the story.

Yes, it is a story. But it is a true story, I think.

For about fourteen Tuesdays (I think), the author visits his ex-Professor as the latter rests at home due to ALS.

It is their final thesis together, the Professor would say.

The Professor was dying but he decided to make the awaiting of death his final project.

He decided not to wallow in self-pity but instead dedicate his time to more meaningful things.

I am glad he did.

...

The Professor talked about many things, all of which are meaningful.

The fact is, I like it so much that it really doesn't matter even if it is fiction made-up. I willingly buy the story. Fully. Whole-heartedly.

I like how the Professor (and also the author) handle the many issues. From money to the value of life to the essence of love.

You see, we all know these things. We all do.

We all know there is no value chasing after material things. We only end up chasing for more.

But we still crave for it.

We all know we should forgive one another for past hurts and grievances. We only end up with more hatred.

But we still harbour all those evil sentiments.

We all know that we need one another. Humans are a society that need to work with, live with and love one another.

But we end up building little walls surrounding us.

Don't ask me why. I don't have the answers.

But I do know: When death stares at us in the face, all the truth will be revealed.

That is why I say, we all know the truth. We just pretend it doesn't exist because, because we think of ourselves as immortal.

But...we are not.

...

I am just returned from a morning hanging around old folks.

First, R and I visited Ah Kook in the Home. She is our friend.

I can't say I can relate to her very well. I try.

Before, I used to be terribly afraid of old people. After interacting with her, I am not so afraid.

Then, a few of us went to the Gift of Love Home in Thomson Road.

We didn't do much, unfortunately, but we gave them a small token for Christmas.

I am actually quite tired now, but I am happy about how my day has been spent so far.

In a moment, I am leaving the house for Mass. It is the Feast Day of my Church.

I am listening to 'The Priests' Album now. It leaves me inspired and serene.

It is a good day. And for a while. my days have all been very good.

I am glad.

...

I have been feeling inspired these few days.

Maybe it has something to do with Tuesdays with Morrie. All those lessons.

Maybe it is the trip to Ipoh. The blessing of good weather and nice people.

I know for sure, God's grace has something to do with it.

For that, I am glad. Very glad.

Sometimes, when I hear of people complaining about the Catholic Church and its many rules and how they are suffocating and I cannot understand, I am very glad.

I would rather not understand them than have feel that myself.

I am very settled in my faith so far and I am really happy.

...

It is a long rambling entry.

Sorry!

But...as 2008 ends and 2009 approaches, maybe it is time you also take an introspective view of your life.

Has the year been very good?

Or has it been bad?

Have you been happy? Doing meaningful things?

Or have you been chasing one shadow after another.

This past year, I have learnt and appreciated the lesson of mortality somewhat.

I hope you will find your lesson too.

Merry Christmas!

It is Christmas Day!

Christmas! Yay Yay Yay!!!

But it doesn't really feel like Christmas. Does it, on your side wherever you are?

...

I just returned from a short trip to Ipoh. I had visited the town with R and his family to visit his relatives.

It was a great trip, in that we had locals to guide us to the nice places and the best foods.

But I must admit, it can be a little difficult to be out with elders (I mean it as a general term).

I don't know if I will want to go on future trips together *keep fingers closed* so don't ask me that. Although yes, there may already be one possibility of a trip together again next year. Guess I will think about it when the time comes.

I must confess that R's relatives are indeed hospitable, and I am really thankful for that.

The fact is, they could have treated me slightly aloof (since I am not their relative; only R is) but they didn't. They treated me like family (Ha, I always joke with R in that maybe they thought I was his sister).

I am also thankful for good weather.

You see, December used to be associated with monsoon and landslides and Cameroon Highlands are a big no-no during this time of the year.

But when I was there, the weather was fantastic!! And I am glad.

So despite the few not-so-pleasant conflicts (Since when are conflicts ever pleasant) I am still very very happy!

...

2008 is coming to an end.

I am not sure if this has been a good year or a not-so-good one. You see, that verdict really depends on the parameters.

When I was in the earlier job, in the initial phases, I thought time seemed especially slow to pass. One day practically stretched forever. And it seemed to never end. Not to mention then, one month.

As I neared completion of my Chinese class modules, time seemed to pass quicker.

But it was essentially still in the same domain, isn't it? Time, as it was, will be as it is now, shall be as it will be.

I don't know then why it seemed to pass faster at some points in time and slower at others. Except that the difference was that I was more aimless initially, but I gradually gained ground.

So am I still aimless now?

...I can't answer that!

I am slightly more aware of where I am heading but I am still quite clueless. All I can say is, I want to work towards cognitive psychology or linguistics.

I may end up becoming a teacher. I may not.

I may end up with my ultimate calling. I may not.

I may continue to be aimless. I may not.

All I know is, I don't have the answers, but one day, I shall have them.

...

So what are the hits and misses of 2008?

Let's see:

I finished my Diploma finally (Wait, I should say I kind of finished, because I haven't got my results of my last module).

I took up Japanese (although yes, I am technically the worst student in class but what the heck).

I visted another place (yes, it is still Malaysia but at least I shortlisted one more potential place for retirement).

I started volunteering with SeaGrass.

I learnt that some people are in your life to reveal meaning in other people and certain events.

I understood that lost time is like dead people: they cannot be resurrected.

On the boo-boo part:

I hadn't had the time to exercise so I must factor that in next year.

I hadn't had the discipline to go for dance class so that is something to look at.

I hadn't been able to explore new hobbies with R so next year will be a good time to do that.

I hadn't had the opportunity to visit somewhere far for a long time so I will keep this in perspective.

On this new year (technically, since I am a Catholic and today is the day when Christ is born), as much as I hope to tackle the boo-boos of 2008, I also hope that I will be stronger and more resilient towards any failed accomplishments.

More importantly, I hope that I can really follow my heart truthfully and earnestly, in all that I do.

God bless.

Merry Christmas!

No elation. Just fuzzy thoughts.

I don't understand why people kept asking if I felt elated.

When questioned on why I should feel elated, the response would be "Cos you are clearing your things/leaving"...

So?

So? Is that the reason to be elated?

Is that a reason to be elated?

...

Tomorrow is officially my last day. But since I am clearing my leave, so yesterday was unofficially my last day.

How do I feel?

No no, certainly not elation.

I think elation is a strong word, mind you. I don't remember ever feeling elated.

Maybe a sense of relief.

Yes, that is it.

Yes, it is that simple!

...

R and I went to the last Swing Fling of the year last night.

On the way there, I can't help wondering why I am not elated.

Is there something wrong with me?

Maybe...it is because I have been preparing for this day.

Somehow. Psychologically.

So when it really happens, the whole effect is mused.

There are no extreme sentiments. It is all just another day.

Or maybe, it is because, really, I don't hate the place.

In fact, there is nothing to hate at all.

Yes, my colleagues and I are in a different world and I have got nobody to share my piece.

Yes, the students can so demanding that I feel like pulling all their hair out.

Yes, the management does suck a bit in fairness.

But then, hey! Are these not part of any job?

The weird thing is, everyone keeps thinking that I must be happier in my new job. Even when I haven't even started!

Why would they know even before I do?

...

I am going to Ipoh for a few days.

As I think about it, I kind of feel it is quite silly. Had I realized I had fourteen days, I would have planned a trip to Sri Lanka! Or even New Zealand!

Oh well, never mind. Some things, it is hard to forecast.

...

It has been a real hard week to pass so I am kind of glad today is Friday.

Although yes, there are turmoils tumbling waiting to be settled.

I am tired. In some ways. And yes, I do look forward to a break.

And perhaps, I really shouldn't dwell on the things that look seemingly impossible to solve.

I want to think about next year.

I want to have a better next year.

I am worried about the job scope, but I am sure I will survive.

I am worried I may get fatter due to a lack of exercise, but I am sure something will work out.

I am worried that next year may turn out to be more sucky...but I am sure God will lead me through.

I am worried about many things,

but I am sure God will lead me there.

Great expectations. An act of pretence.

Yesterday was one of the more 'eventful' and unpleasant days that I can remember.

Eventful, because the day was packed packed packed (as Boon would say eventful although it just means a tight schedule). And I was almost rushing from place to place.

(Yes, I am trying to look at ALL things from a positive perspective.)

After Mass it was grocery shopping. Then it was lunch before I head out to meet friends. Before I go to Bugis to change my stuff. Before I go for my company dinner.

So yes, eventful it is.

And eventful my spirits were too.

...

I met up with my council friends in the afternoon. Only 5 of us turned up.

I was disappointed at the turnout. Is it me? Well, I don't know.

Anyway, I still think it was a good meeting (sometimes, meetings can be bad). It was quite awkward at times because 1) we didn't know what to say 2) we don't have anything to say, probably because we have been too out of sync with one another.

And I realise, really, that is how life works. Time moves on and sometimes, we really don't know that person we used to know anymore.

...

Then I went for my company dinner.

I was having full expectations of it initially. But I was disappointed.

Maybe...maybe I shouldn't have expectations of it in the first place. Then, yes, maybe I won't be disappointed.

You see, when I was contemplating whether I should attend (and yesterday, since I was running a bad nose, it was whether to turn up in the end), I was persuaded to.

On hindsight, I wish I hadn't turned up.

And no, I do not intend to say bad things about the dinner. The sashimi was great! The fish was fresh. The layout was nice. The service was excellent.

I just felt...

Yeah, it just didn't feel naturally good.

Frankly, I did wonder if I could stay in contact with them after I leave. After last night, I think I kind of know the answer.

Certain feelings do not need to be explicitly spelt out.

Certain nuances do not need to be explained.

...

This is the Advent week for Joy. So nope, I shan't ponder over why I was disappointed.

Maybe, that is just the way life is meant to be. With expectations, disappointment may ensue.

So that is why, people always say,

Do not expect anything.

Do not.

And I tell myself:

Do not try so hard to pretend to be someone else.

There is no need to pretend.

Bizarre but blessed

I did something totally bizarre yesterday. So bizarre that I have no clue as to why I did it...except that I was truly hoping for transformation of the heart and I was letting God guide it all.

I messaged my ex- to say thanks.

...

Why is it bizarre?

It is beyond my own comprehension because we have not been contacting each other for so long.

How long...? ..I don't know, maybe five, six years?

If you remember, he is getting married. It is a small world; he is marrying my classmate.

Gerald shared the story of their getting-together: In a nutshell, they got together last year after a reunion set-up unintentionally planned by Gerald and Jeremy.

You know, the way Fate ties people up is bizarre.

...

The last I saw him was when he passed me a birthday present one year after we broke up.

I never really shared the story of our break-up and I don't intend to share it either. But all in all, we broke up because of a difference in personality.

Which is a legitimate reason to split, isn't it.

But that aside, I messaged him to say thanks...primarily because it striked me....

He was the one that got me started in the Catholic Faith.

The one who got me to where I am today.

You see, I used to be a Buddhist/Taoist. I followed my parents' faith. I didn't know much about it, except that we offer incense and fruits and flowers. And we go to temples.

I don't know much about the fundamentals of that faith. Maybe that is why I dropped out finally.

I was highly resistant against Christian friends, because I dislike how many (note, many, not all) of them succumb to the use of peer pressure to get people to attend their Church.

Anyway...

Yes, he started me on my faith journey. Somehow. And I am glad.

And when I thought deeply about it, I should really say thanks...

Simply because if it weren't for that introduction to the Catholic Church, I wouldn't have the desire for more pious partner, someone who can initiate me more in my faith.

And if not for that desire, I wouldn't have met R.

So really, the way God plans events can be quite...unbelievable.

...

We had a Lectio Divina session last night during RCIA.

I remember the priest. I think R and I attended a session at the seminary before.

Yes, that is how rooted in the faith he is. And I am glad.

After the session, we prayed for the deceased Miss Low who died in the Mumbai attack.

Really, like what the Priest mentioned...we, as individuals are all inter-connected. Somehow.

Thank God for friends.

Thank God for love.

The Approaching of Advent means

A new beginning.

Yes, the Advent Season means a new beginning. In all senses of the word.

...

I am feeling better in some ways, but not so in other ways. To a certain extent, maybe it is because I realize that there is really nothing much I can do except moving on. Yes, it is a necessary truth--moving on.

I came across Gerald's reply to my email and I am not sure why it invoked more feelings of weirdness? Maybe...maybe really, that world is too far past mine and I am already disjointed from the whole facade of JC-friendships. Somehow? Maybe? ...I don't know.

The truth is, I am trying to tackle some doubts and insecurities about my future. The past week has been exciting. I met up with the Salsa gang on Tuesday and danced a couple of songs, learnt that Bennon and Cecilia are getting married and the gang is hoping to do Rueda at their wedding.
Then on Wednesday, I visited L who is now on maternity leave. She is waiting for her baby (hopefully she would have popped by now) whom she will name Emma. How nice to visit old friends. I had missed her wedding when I was in the U.S. last year and only now had I got the chance to meet up with her and catch up. Her place is wonderful...a 4-room place in Commonwealth. As my last day approaches, my work is clearing up as I am slowly handing bits and pieces of my portfolio to my colleagues. Many people are happy for me--they feel that my new place is definitely better...but I am not sure. I really don't know...

And then next Sunday is the wedding reception of another University friend and the Sunday after that is my company's annual dinner. The Sunday after that Sunday is when I will be in Malaysia for a short trip. Something I have been looking forward to, yes.

And while I think the world is almost perfect, why do I still feel empty?

Yes. I feel empty.

Yes, it is the very same feeling people get that feeling when they read my blog or when they talk to me. Well, it is a true feeling. So, you are perfectly right.

It is like, as I tackle news of that Z will be in Japan for three years (instead of two) and N is happy in Washington, I am left wondering about what is left in my world.

...

Turns out that I am connected to the victim of the Mumbai Attack in some ways: she was a fellow parishoner.

It is weird: the world is so small yet so big.

So small that everyone is connected: my JC school mate is R's buddies; my subject is my colleague's best friend.

But then it is so big: I am no longer part of the world of friends with whom I used to be so close to.

Irony.

Yes it is.

But then Advent is a new beginning. So really, I shouldn't brood over these anymore.

Their world has long gone past mine. We have lost the time.

And that, can never be retrieved.

The wrangle

In the end, I messaged her.

I messaged her because I wasn't sure what was the best way to do it. I had wanted to send her a card (since her birthday is coming soon) but what if she thought I had meant to sabotage her birthday? Then I thought I will write her a letter...but I didn't know how I was going to get the address.

So I messaged her in the end...and then I realized, maybe, I emphasize, maybe, if she were already biased in some ways against me, then no matter what I do, it will be insincere.

It is very easy to be insincere.

I messaged her to say thanks. Thanks for all that she has done. For the notes. For her counselling. For her editing.

I wonder if she can infer that I meant to thank her for the friendship.

But the thing is, once again...there was no response. No acknowledgement.

No no, I am not looking for anything. I am not.

Maybe if time were to be rewound to 8 years ago, then yes, maybe I have reasons to be hopeful. But, but, we are talking about 10 years. 10 years can do a lot of things. A lot a lot of things.

....

I felt a little dismayed last night. So dismayed I couldn't sleep.

You see, I have been thinking after Sunday if I should say thanks. So yes, I have been thinking for 4 days at least.

Then, before I went home last night, I asked my colleague W.

And she asked "What is the point?", I realize I don't have the answer.

The truth is, she is right. Ten years can do a lot of things. "For all you know, she is no longer the same person already."

Maybe she is right. But...

I really didn't mean to have a point in saying thanks.

I didn't know how to cherish people in the past. I am learning how to...

....

I couldn't sleep last night because I was still hopeful that she may drop me an sms to say something.

Anything.

Yes, anything. But no, nothing came.

Like I told W, I remember writing to her. I remember saying many things. And I remember being ignored.

What does that mean? Do you acknowledge it, or do you not?

Am I so much a pain to you now that you choose to not acknowledge me in the end?

And the weird reality is, I can never sit across her and talk normally. I need to see her in a group because I need others as a buffer.

It always feel like a barrier separates us. As to what the barrier constitutes, I don't know!
I don't know. I really don't know.

Is it in my psyche? As in, maybe I have imagined the barrier?

I don't know.

All I know is...

after all these years, I am the only one holding her as a baggage.

I am not good with letting go. That, I know.

But it feels stupid when you thought you were still in a struggle...when in reality, you are the only one twisted with that rope.

You wrangle that rope around yourself.

... *shakes head*

I guess J was right.

We all have such friendships. Friendships which we cherish but can no longer do anything about.

So we can only move forward.

Y, I still wish you all the best.

There is nothing left for me to say. I have said all my apologies, expressed all my thanks.

I am happy that you have moved on.

Guess it is time for me too.

For a season...and a reason

Some friends are in your life for only a season.

I don't know if this is really true, but that was how I consoled myself last night.

Although I am not even sure if 'console' is the right word to use.

....

I was at Y's wedding last night. And I felt weird.

Weird because I was there, but I kind of felt I shouldn't be there.

It is not that I don't want to share in her celebration. I am just not sure how much she wanted me to be there...

The truth is, we were once best friends. But now, we don't even talk to each other.

So really, when I saw the rest of the gang at the reception table, I can't help but feel sad. Sad because I really don't remember exactly what happened. I can only speculate.

We used to be JC classmates, all four of us. (Gerald, if you are reading this, you know Y too and please note that I don't use a direct abbreviation). But for some reason, I was either dropped out of the gang, or they dropped me out...and the worst thing is, I can't remember which is the case and so I really don't know how to fix it from here.

It was a very big grand wedding reception. Many people were around, and all in all, there were about 38 tables.

Y's friends put together a video for her (and her husband) and the gang was in it, of course.

They said many wonderful things, all of which I would agree.

And never mind that I wasn't asked, I guess I can always use this space to write about my thoughts of her.

As what E said, she was a writer, a person who wrote appreciate notes to people when they were down or sad. And I remember that.

M commented that her GP was powerful, and she was my GP teacher's favourite student. And yes, she was always very halpful.

For myself, specifically, I will always hold the memories of the Graduation Ball dear. I don't know if Gerald remembers anything about the ball...(I suspect he doesn't)

I remember that I went to stay over at her place after the Ball in Shangri-La Hotel. I remember we tried to talk for a while but we ended up not very successful.

I also remember her 21st birthday celebration when she invited the whole of the DC gang with my boyfriend-then on board. I don't know if I ever told her that I appreciate the gesture very much.

...

The last time the four of us were together was at some pizza place in the Forum. I don't remember where I was rushing to, but I do remember not eating much because I was still on a restricted diet.

Whatever that happened between us after that, I really cannot remember.

I would have loved to keep in touch; I am not sure if it was because I was becoming an emotional baggage to her specifically.

As you can tell, I still struggle with issues pertaining to my mum. Then, I struggled and I often confided in her. Now I still struggle, although less.

I remember she was trying very hard to get me to get over issues pertaining to my mum. I think I just didn't learn fast enough.

....But really, I don't know if that was the reason.

Anyhow...

I am happy for her. Very happy for her.

We met in University once by chance when she and her boyfriend (her husband now) joined the Lindy Hop class I coordinated. It felt...weird.

I also remember apologizing to her about the events in the past (whatever that happened between us) but I think she just shrugged it aside.

If friendships ever had expiry dates, then maybe ours had reached its time.

...

I was seated with the DC last night and I am very glad about it. For the simple reason, I would have nothing to say at the other table.

You know...everyone has different prime stages. Stages during which they are truely themselves.

For me, I think it would be during the Primary school (wha! Yes...) and University days. And during my RCIA now too...

This phase is when you are yourself most truly...when you don't feel the need to pretend, to hide anything, when you can just be yourself.

But then again, I do appreciate the people at the many phases of my life. Because it is through them that I am myself today.

Although when I reflect about my JC company, I wonder how many have kept up with the me that is now.

Maybe only Gerald...?

I don't know, but yes, I do feel something for the lost friendship.

And I shall console myself that...

some people are meant to be in your life for a season, for whatever reasons that only God truly knows...

and maybe she is just one of them.

I wish her all the best.

Growing up and growing out.

I stared at the date of my last post and I thought it didn't feel so long ago.

Then I remembered that...it was November already. And yes, it has been a while.

....

I think the good news is, I am no longer as emo as I used to be.

Why? ...

HHmmm...maybe because I am coping better, or maybe there really are less things to get me emo.

Or maybe I am maturing, so I just grow out of it.

I wonder, do we grow out of everything?

...

My mum went back to the hospital on Thursday for her fractured toe.

Nope. It is not healing.

Please note, I didn't say 'it has not healed'; I said, 'it is not healing'.

So yes! It is not healing.

I don't know. At moments like this, I regret coming home. Which is funny, isn't it?

At a time when my mum needs me, shouldn't I be glad for being home? I should, I think...because I can be of help.

But I guess, I am just not sure if I am more of a help than a dependence.

...

Z is leaving for Japan. She will be there for two years.

I am envious, yes...and I am happy for her too.

The truth is, I have seen her dedication towards her work, and I really feel she deserves it.

I guess in contrary, I am just not too sure of where I am heading, and if I will ever come across such an opportunity.

You know--people often label me as aimless. Yes, aimless.

First, they wonder why I want to go to USA. Now, they wonder why I am in a tuition centre after having achieved a Masters.

Then they will wonder why I am not a teacher when I am in NXX.

Where am I heading, they always ask.

And I am speechless.

Because I know I can't say "Look. I am searching" or "I don't know". These answers are not acceptable.

We are all expected to have answers.

....But why?

Aren't the answers supposed to be real answers? Or are they meant to be cooked up?

...

I managed to meet up with the scholars last night. After a long time.

It didn't turn out as awkward as I would have imagined. Which was consoling.

And I am also glad that I got to sit at a place with H and C across my place. They are the people I can get along more with.

I don't know, but they didn't turn out as distant as I had imagined.

It is not that I have a wild imagination. I think to a large extent, I have been building barriers outside my heart.

I can't recall exactly, but there have been few instances that a meet-up didn't turn out as bad as I had imagined.

Maybe, maybe we do really grow out of things.

...

Just last week, when my dad was cursing and swearing about the apparent ignorance of the whole family, I was almost going to leave home.

Yes. Pack my bags and leave.

I don't think it is a matter of childishness or what; it was more like...I really don't feel that his words are justified.

In fact, when he chided me at the hospital on Thursday (for forgetting to bring the radiograph), I had shouted back.

Don't ask me why. I don't know.

I still love my dad. I am just not sure of the best way to love him.

...

If growing up is like a baby bird being fetched and finally stretching his wings, then perhaps it is time I have the courage to do the same.

Fatty bom bom

No, I don't know how to spell 'fatty bom bom' correctly so I hope that was the right one.

(If it isn't, it doesn't matter too because you know what I am saying, right?)

...

I am getting fat.

Yes, I am using this entry to warn you that I am getting fat, so that if you should run into me on the street and not really recognize me, that is because I am F-A-T!

And I am still doing my exercise. I guess I am just not as active as before and I still eat the same amount.

*sigh*

So really, when you see me, you don't have to remind me I am fat. I know it. Really, I do!!!!

...

My Diploma course in Teaching Chinese as a foreign language has officially ended, so that frees up three mornings in a week.

I have decided to embark on a more intensive exercise regime to shape up...

The ironic thing is, I actually feel better than when I was in my Dance Scholarship programme.

Yes, I was fitter then but I also had more spells of low blood pressure and all.

Right now, I am on the plump side (as before) but I don't feel dizzy so often.

Maybe really, there is never the best of both worlds. I don't know.

I hope to start dancing again.

...

Maybe I will drag R down to that Argentina Tango class.

Or maybe I may start doing rock-climbing.

Maybe I will take up a Modern dance class.

Or maybe I will just be lazy and continue to get fatter.

And become an authentic fatty holding some boms boms.

Better, or not?

It is the Deepavali Public Holiday and I am very glad for the opportunity to...rest? Well, kind of, more of cleaning up the house.

Yes, my place is very messy. I am very messy, to be frank.

My place is so messy that we would qualify for that variety show with Kym Ng as host and doubling as a broom.

Never mind if you don't know the show--the message is, my house is dirty and it needs cleaning up.

...

I am not sure if I have officially announced it (I can't remember and I can't be bothered to scroll my past entries): I have tendered my resignation.

It came as a shock to my colleagues, for whatever reasons I don't know.

Maybe like what O likes to say, I am too docile (note, submissive may be the other dimension to its actual meaning) and so, like the docile pandas who don't bite, I was probably expected to sit here through the rest of my life.

Then maybe there are others who feel that I am at the top of things, and since I am handling everything so well, there is absolutely no reason to go.

Of course the list goes on.

It is a very hard call, as I have explained time and again.

Life is good, but I don't crave for that kind of a good life.

I am not sure if you know what I mean.

The simple truth: holding a job is not only about being at the top of things or being submissive.
For me, it is about seeking my vocation. The very meaning of my purpose.

That aside, I guess what is most upsetting is that they didn't try to make me stay.

Although frankly, I was thinking to myself, maybe they knew they can't...since I have another job offer waiting already.

When I went into the office with E, she was obviously more concerned about the possible conflict of interest.

Come on.

How could there be when all I do now is modifying exam questions and teaching the syllabi the Ministry has set and I am moving on to shaping schools and teachers' psychology?

More interestingly, I think she kind of asked if the job were a better one.

No, I said, I can't say if it is better.

How would I know? How would I judge?

...

If you think about it very hard, every single choice would be the best possible, so there is really no better one.

No, the quote didn't come from me, and no, I don't remember where I have seen this.

But it is true, isn't it?

At every juncture of a decision, you stop and ponder and make the decision because you would have believed that it was better.

If not, you wouldn't have opted for it.

Like me, I didn't want to be pigeon-holed as a teacher. I didn't want to be in a position which deals with the transmission of knowledge.

So I opt out.

But that doesn't mean being a teacher is not a good thing. We all need teachers. I am where I am because of the guidance of my teachers.

It just means that at this point of time, not continuing to be a teacher is good for me.

It may not be better but it is just something I have to do.

...

The truth is, vocation is a very elusive thing.

It competes with the other more important things in life, like your remuneration, your sense of satisfaction, the prestige and social status.

I remember telling Q, the new position excites me because I know this is a possible output of the training I have had.

And I was telling M, I am one research assistant versus one of the many other teachers here.

No no. I don't think it is about being important.

I can still be important here, if they had valued me as an indvidual.

But from the very shallow questions they ask, I know for sure no, I am but another 'teacher' mould.

...

So really, I can't comment if my new position will be better.

For one, it is not better since I have to travel to the other side of the island.

And two, it is not better because the pay is slightly lower (Q asked in shock why I hadn't negotiated).

But then, at the end of the day, what matters as I am taught by R, should exceed all this very mortal considerations.

As long as it fulfills your missing link, it is in all sense, better already.

Impending doom...

I went to see a doctor this morning. On my way there, I contemplated blogging many things. But I was hesitant, because I didn't want you to get the wrong idea.

Sometimes, things can go the wrong way. The wrong message can be intended.

...

I have got chest pains for many days now. It started...from Monday, perhaps? Or maybe earlier, I don't know.

And while I would like to shrug it off as 'nothing', I have to admit I have been going to bed with the fear I may not wake up to see the next day.

Yes, really.

Every night, I seem to feel that my heart is having an arhythmnic beat. I seem to feel 'an impending doom', as the doctor put it.

So yes, I am glad to wake up every morning to realize I hadn't died in my sleep.

....

Once again, the latency period is getting longer and longer. I know.

It is not that I don't want to blog; the many deadlines competing for attention makes it almost impossible.

And I was asked by B: Why do you like to try many things? (Or did he say everything? I can't remember)

But I am bored. Easily. That is why I like to try everything.

I am bored with living in Singapore. That is why I went for the APIA programme. That is why I would want to work overseas.

I am bored with my work. That is why I want to change my job (and by the way, I am changing my job come 2nd Jan).

But I am adventurous (or so I would like to consider myself). That is why I like to try everything.

That is why I dared myself to go for the Dance Scholarship Auditions. When I obviously have one and a half left feet.

That is why I can attend language classes on my own. When my brain capability is obviously not huge.

....

I don't know what impression you gather from this entry.

No, I hope you didn't think I am writing it as a death-note sort of.

But seriously, I do wonder...why is death so scary?

I find it scary. I do.

But why is it scary?

That, I don't know, although I would associate it with the fact that being the ending of your many encounters on Earth, it is bound to evoke some nostalgia.

...But if you had been seriously living your life, would you still be scared?

Well, I am absolutely cluesless about that.

Anyway, the doctor said I shouldn't have a heart attack.

So then, it should get better.

=)

Not immortal

The last time I have to wake up so early was probably when I had to leave for Boston from New York.

Or was it earlier? I can't remember.

Whatever it is, leaving the house when the sky is still dark and then moving around under a dark sky does feel kind of sad.

Somehow. I don't know why.

...

I was at the airport at 4am this morning.

Yes, this morning. Today. Just now.

But of course, I wasn't the one leaving for anywhere, although I would have gladly wished for so.

I went to see N off. She left for the USA this morning.

She is one of my very good friends, and of course, being the very sentimental person I am, I shed some tears.

Sorry, I couldn't help it.

You see, she is one of those people I would turn to when I run into problems. She is one of my advisors.

And so yes, I am very emotionally attached to her.

We meet up to go for coffee occasionally. We try to go dancing when there is a crowd.

So that's one less of the Lindy gang. *sighs*

...

When I think about N's work stint, I start to think about many other things.

Is life really about things happening because you want it to happen or is it because it is planned as such: that you will want it to happen, and it does?

Well, I guess I will never find out.

Going overseas to work is one of the many things that N and I had wanted to do. Now she has done it, so where am I?

As I left the airport with R this morning, I asked him this question, "Will it ever happen?"

You see, I can't see any more open doors. The doors which I have tried knocking, never responded.

Why, I don't know, maybe because I don't have the key.

Or maybe because I am not qualified to enter those doors.

Or maybe it is just a matter of waiting.

Although the situation may then very well become: you saw another door opening and you enter it. Just as you were entering it, the door which you have always been waiting for suddenly hinges a bit...

...

Yes, I am thinking a bit more this morning.

It has been a month since I last wrote, so maybe all the thoughts are pushing for revelation on stage.

...

When you think about it seriously, you will realize that life is truly not immortal.

So maybe it is time for me to start to live with that frame of mind:

That I am not immortal.

*shouts*

The apple is ....

I can't find a word. Crumbling? Rotting?

Nah.

The apple is just not herself.

Feeling overwhelmed and stressed and sick.

Stomach is feeling very bad, probably due to the ocha I drank so late at night. My sleep was interrupted with persistent cramps last night.

I only remember having cramps during that time of the month, so to have cramps after tea (implicit meaning being, it is not that time of the month yet) is a bit disturbing.

...

I skipped class this morning.

Porque?

Because I am really feeling stressed out and overwhelmed and dejected and overwhelmed and tired and overwhelmed and pissed off and overwhelmed.

Count the number of "overwhelmed" please...

I haven't done my Japanese homework. I haven't given the Works of Mercy project proper thought. I have been busy.

With what?

Aiyoh, I don't know!

Busy doing nothing!

I don't know...maybe it is the hazy weather.

Nah, it is just everything. I am just too bored.

I met up with N last night. After work.

Yes, I was tired, so maybe that is also why my mind is not thinking too properly.

(4 things get me cranky: when I am hungry, thirsty or tired, or urgent)

(Yes, that was not proper English, and yes, we are supposed to be on a Speak Good English campaign).

...

I just find myself so disorientated.

And I think it is partly because I get bored too easily.

And then I don't like to get myself entangled with seemingly stupid things.

So I keep running.

I thought N was quite sharp in pointing that out:

I like to choose the path of most resistance. Everytime.

And when I do a thorough reflection, I think that is true.

I never did Biology in O Levels. I just decided I will do it at JC. I was one of the two in my class and few in my school to do that.

I never really had dance training. I just decided I will go and try out for the dance scholarship auditions (ya la, that is why I didn't do well in the scholarship either!!!! Hahahahaha).

Now, I have a M.Sc. But I want to do a Ph.D in lnguistics.

I have had 6 years of training in Science, but I want to do Communications, or Defence.

Why?

Because I am bored.

And really, that is NOT good. Not good at all.

Because I am so bored, I am always chasing.

Chasing for the seemingly distant.

N was saying...most people will just not bother and stay in the same field.

Because really, it takes double the energy to do something else.

Imagine...(I gave this analogy to R) you are walking 12km in the Eastern direction to catch the sunrise...

and then you decide that, ok, I don't want the sunrise anymore, I want the sunset, so you start running in the opposite direction.

Crazy?

I don't know.

The way I see it, it is worth it, I suppose.

Just that at moments like now, I am really tired. Tired from all that running.

...

This is the hardest period and so when G called and demanded why I had to void the appointment on Sat, I was quite cross.

I thought we were best buddies? Surely she can understand my situation and my stress?

I don't know. I never asked her in the end.

The truth is, this is really the worst time now. I know for sure, once I get over this, all will be good.

I have a test on 17th Sept. Another on 21st Sept.

I am in the second last module of my Chinese Diploma course. It will end next month.

I am vigorously writing resumes to apply for jobs. I may have a psychometric test next week.

I still have a few resumes unwritten. I don't have time to write it.

My close friend is getting married on Sept 14. I am her in jie mei team.

My close pal is flying on 27 Sept. I would want to spend more time with her, but I can't.

I want to join the volunteer group with R. The orientation is on 27th.

Yes, the world please crush me. I ask for it.

...

I am fine.

I just need to let it out.

Whatever. Anything.

She is starting her bad tantrums again.

I don't know what has got into her, but I am seriously quite fed up and I am seriously wondering just how am I able to live with her?

Never mind, thinking about such things doesn't really help unless I have a solution. So since I don't, then I should quit brooding over it.

...

To my utter horror, I realized I have put on weight.

Around my waist/hips/butt area.

Frankly, I am not sure if it is better that the weight gets directed ONLY to my face (as in, if I have a choice on where I can dispose the fat) or to my butt. Maybe it doesn't really make a difference.

It doesn't really make a difference to other people --or so I hope-- but it makes a difference to me.

Hhmmm...

I have decided to embark on a masterplan to lose that cellulite. I am not sure if I will succeed, but I will try!

And rest assured it is not some crash diet that will set my anorexia streak off again.

...

After my apparent failure to secure my dream type of a job, I have decided on other ventures.

I guess...I will do a short trip in India next year and then plan on.

When I met up with Y on Monday, he was all curious about when I will get married.

Frankly, I don't know. Maybe, never?

Ha. Who knows?

I hope I don't sound too down again--everyone always ask me why I sound so down in my entries, and even though I am trying to not let that melancholiness slip in, it still does somehow sometimes.

My writings are melancholy by nature. But that doesn't necessarily imply that I am.

Just like...I may look very indifferent to many things (like my weight and my image), but I may not actually be.

...

And no, I am not planning on moving out, although yes, staying with such an eccentric being can be nerve-wrecking.

I have moved on that, so I will not consider that.

I mean, most importantly, it is because I will eventually move out--someday in the future. Being here is not permanent.

If only I can adopt the same perspective towards my job.

The next move

I had my oral in the morning. I got 90 marks, which is 1 mark short from the A+ I was aiming for, but I suppose its good enough.

The teacher said I had problems with sh-/s, zh-/z, ch-/c. Hhmmm...I thought I was ok...but I guess I wasn't.

The more ironic thing is, the friend whom I have always been 'tutoring' got better comments and higher marks.

I guess that is the difference between consciousness and complacency?

Sometimes life is like that. We tend to think too highly of ourselves.

...

R told me to give the process a few days. After all, didn't they say that they would complete it in 10 days?

Yes, they will complete it in 10 days. Which means if I had got it, I would have heard about it.

But I haven't heard anything.

So I think...

yeap, you know what I think.

Is that fine?

Yeah, kind of.

Kind of because I don't think it is so much of the job as the fact that I didn't get selected. You know what I mean?

I don't know if this is a manifestation of the altered ego or whatever, but I do feel disgruntlement wheneve I think of this and my previous scholarships lapses.

In what way am I inferior?

Hahaha...sorry, as you can tell, I am feeling quite egoistic today.

Never mind me. I can be quite unfathomable sometimes.

...

It is Wed, my day off.

Just when I was happily contemplating about the change in work hours following the termination of my sat class, I was told yesterday that I will continue to take the class.

One of the students had called in to request that I continue to take the class.

Aiyah. So sad. So sad because I was hoping to work shorter hours on Sat.

But that aside, I have been trying to decipher the significance of that encounter. What is God saying?

I don't know.

Anyhow, I think I will take a nap before I find some time to exercise, and try to study my Japanese. It can get tiring sometimes, and I do wonder about the significance of learning Japanese. The class is fast. I don't know anyone. And it is on a Sunday.

I just hope it will be useful the way it can be.

But maybe I really shouldn't think so much.

Maybe I should just concentrate on my next resume and the next advertisement.

I took a day off today...

I am back from my test. It was really a hard nut to crack.

The test lasted three hours plus. There were four components to the test, and I kind of felt it was really gruelling, especially towards the end, when I am already so mentally exhausted.

The first section was still ok. I had to edit a four-page long (pseudo-) speech. It was frankly quite difficult, but still manageable. The second part was the analysis part. Aiyoh...that one was really long. Imagine forty MCQ based on a three-page essay. *shakes head*

We had a break before the third section, which was on reasoning. I completely cannot get this, as in I didn't even understand the answers to the sample questions (and I didn't clarify because I don't think I would have understood either). There were forty questions which we had to complete in thirty minutes--yes, do your math.

The last one was the breezer, although I really wasn't sure if it will be useful a breezer to me. Skali by the second section, my scores would have me axed already? I don't know.

...

How am I feeling?

Well, a little lousy. I mean, I kind of really hope I will get it but then again, after sitting through the test, I am not sure if I have the calibre. It is a tough selection process--it really is. Behind the supposed glamour and champagne glasses, a lot goes into the job and maybe, I am really not the kind material who can withstand such pressure.

That being said, I still feel lousy. Because I take pride in my abilities, and my exhaustion at the test seems to suggest that I am perhaps not as mentally agile and able as I would assume myself to be. Maybe I wasn't ever mentally sharp and acute--I just assumed I was. Maybe I have been wearing too big a hat, and now my eyes can't take the glare.

Anyhow, I am still glad I got the experience. I really do give thanks to God for the chance to even go and sit the test. The truth is, I would never have expected myself to walk in that road into the building to sit for the test. I would never have envisioned this opportunity for the experience.

And I thank God for what I have gained thus far.

The test is the first step to a three-part recruitment process. The fact that my application was considered is something I am glad about, and everything else is really a bonus already.

The truth is, it is really amazing how I can tell myself to look at things with such a mindset. Maybe this is what it feels to be touched by the Holy Spirit--there is nothing else in life you cannot face. You just take the rest head on, simply because you know God is there walking with you.

I told myself, before I went for the test, that really, some things are just meant to be. Prayers are never not answered as I had realized; they are just not answered the way you thought it would be. For me, this episode particularly, I am thankful I got past the preliminary stage (I had to write 2 200-word essays). Should I get it (which I probably won't), then it is God's will that I get to be in Singapore for the next couple of years (and maybe be a facilitator for the next RCIA journey). Should I not get it, then maybe it just means I really am meant to be a teacher after all.

I don't know if it looks like I am 'resigning to fate'. I took a long time to grapple with that too. I mean, you know how I am. Headstrong. Focused. Determined. Obstinate. I want to see the world, feel the world and run with the world. Such am I!

But I have also realized,...

we really do have certain roles. No matter how hard we run or shrug from these, you cannot deny the very purpose which you were created for in the womb.

...

Sorry if this blog sounds so 'serious'. I don't often have the time or the mindset to sit down and blog. It is great that I have some time today (I took leave today to go for the test, and I console myself by saying that I don't have to take more days of leave for the next rounds)....

Life goes on.

So the next thing for me is to apply for the JET programme. I will still keep trying.

A compilation of random thoughts

It is finally coming to the end of the month again.

Yes, I am sure you are as happy as I am if the last day of the month is your scheduled payday. Though yes, it is quite sad, isn't it, for one to hang on for a whole month just for that one day.

Well, life is like that.

I am not in too good a mood now (I didn't use today because I woke up happy and I went to class happy and I came back happy). Why, I don't know, although I suspect it has something to do with 1) my hair which is getting too long 2) the weather which is really humid and hot 3) the ugly-looking Salmon fishhead which would not have been had my mum let me take over the cooking (and 4) the fact that she cooked my lunch so late and I was so hungry already).

Anyway, never mind. Hopefully I will feel better after my nap later.

...

I met up with some of my University friends last Sat. I met them after work.

It was good to see everyone again. F is in NParks. D is in AVA. H has joined the teaching force as well. T is still trying to finish his thesis. X is looking at getting married next year. G has one more year to go.

I told them I am working in ...

We talked about many things, and I thought it was funny that only now can I participate fully in a conversation about 'what is the difference between a moss and a fern?"

Life is funny, isn't it?

I did Biology in University, but after four years, I can't answer that question, not until now, after I have started work at this place when I have to go back to the very beginning of my first year of Science lesson...(and yes, I do literally mean my first year of Science lesson.)

What is the difference between a frog and a toad?

Does a fish have ears?

...yes, please continue rolling your eyes. Come on, we are Biology majors. What else you expect us to talk about?

So maybe I was meant to be here after all.

Amidst all my reluctance and dissatisfaction, maybe I am really in the right place.

Somehow, I am reminded about the module I am doing right now. The teacher has a habit of doing recollection--as in, he will periodically get us to refer back to our original starting point and then reflect if the delivery rationale has been touched on.

And so I do the same.

The truth is, while it is a no-brainer kind of a task, I did learn new things.

I do better formatting now. I am more familiar with mathematical models for Primary School. If I ever want to teach private tuition again, I bet I can command more money!

Ha...

But really, is that what I am searching for?

Somehow I am lost once again.

When I have that meet-up with all my friends, I was striked by one thing: They all have something they are good at, and hence passionate about.

F likes plants. Give her any tree and she can tell you the scientific name. H hopes to do something related with the environment. G wants to know even more about ants. S and D just like Biology in general. X likes teaching.

G asked me if I will go back to research.

...I don't know. I like my brain experiments. But where can I continue doing it?

But more importantly, the bottomline question is, what do I like?

Why do I find that question so hard?

I like atypical things. Can that do?

I like uncommon fates. Unusual choices. Unique plights.

Will that do?

...

Y who has recently joined the company is going to leave for TSMI.

She has barely been with us for a month.

She told me this little secret yesterday after lunch by chance...and while I was surprised, I was quite expecting it.

Like I said, the job is a no-brainer.

No no, I don't mean it as an insult to my colleagues who have been there for a long time. I personally find it a no-brainer and I think Y does too. I think people who have done research will feel so.

How many questions can one clone? How many scenarios can one think of?

I don't know. I don't have an answer to that.

And I guess what is more important is, I don't want to think that I have an answer to that.

...

I have a written test for my dream job next Monday.

Frankly, how much of a dream it is, I can't really say. I can only say it is a dream because it is uncommon, it is atypical and it is unique.

It is the kind of a job that I would want.

(Please note, I didn't say "It is the job I will want")

Anyway, the whole 'test' will take me around 5 hours. Why, I don't know. I can tell you next week though.

But I guess I just meant to reiterate one thing that R brought up (that I have problems accepting):

If you get the job in the end, then maybe it means you are not destined to go to Japan.

If you don't get it, then maybe you have a chance to go to Japan.

If you don't get to go to Japan, then maybe you are destined to be a teacher.

It is a little hard to accept, but it is true.

And all I can do is just to let things be.

Maybe at the end of the route, I return to my starting point.

Is that a trip wasted?

....

There are no trips wasted.

There are only wasted opportunities.

A fast chicken or a slow eagle

I just came back from the doctor's.

Yes, how pathetic is that--to have time to blog only because one is sick.

Ha...

But no, I am not saying that because I feel sorry for myself, or what so ever.

I am glad I have the time (and clearness of mind, if there is such a phrase) to blog. As a matter of fact, I am really feeling quite drowsy. After this, which hopefully will not take me too long, I shall head for bed.

...

I hate Fridays. I really do.

I have two rascal classes. But well, maybe they are rascal because I am not that good a teacher.

I don't think I have had the opportunity to tell you about what has happened:

I have been assigned two P3 classes, which are well, like I said, rascals.

Yes, they are cute--as all P3s are. But they are really naughty.

And that drives me crazy.

Now, because a fellow teacher is going on maternity leave UNEXPECTEDLY, I have been given another class.

No, I don't like gifts in particularm especially not classes.

But I don't have a choice. So really, that only makes me more afraid of Fridays...

MAYBE that is why I fell sick today! My mind is too worried!!! (Yes, the new scehdule starts today.)

I am frankly quite pissed that I have to cover for her for two months.

No, I am not pissed that I have to cover her. I am pissed that I have to cover that timing, which leads to me having no dinner. That *shakes my head* is really very bad.

...

I got my HSK exam results today.

What can I say except I am disappointed?

I got the minimum marks but I didn't satisfy the 3 out of 4 criteria to get A.

So sad, ah...

So the next question is, do I want to retake it?

Do I want to put in the effort to try for an A again???

I don't know...

...

So what am I doing right now?

It is still the same kind of lifestyle.

I attend morning class on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. I work on Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday.

And yes, I am looking at other jobs, although frankly, I really don't know what I can do.

I mean, I sometimes really just feel--is there anything I can do?

Sometimes I feel that I am really skill-less so all I can do, is what I have been doing.

That makes me sad, yes, but is that not reality?

I don't know.

I know this entry is a little unlike my style...please forgive me; I am really drowsy.

Maybe if I feel better in the evening, I will write about my thoughts....but before I pen off, I have this question:

Would you be a chicken that runs the fastest, or an eagle that flies the slowest?

Think about it.

Really, give it some serious thought.

it's been a while

I haven't been blogging for a long time. I think it has been about a month.

Sorry if you have been wondering what has happened to me--if I had left the country and the such, or did I get married and am hibernating to have kids?--I am fine, and I am doing ok.

I have just been busy. Really busy.

But I have more or less settled into the pace. An exam is due in two weeks' time. That is my Chinese Grammar exam. I had just taken a test for my Jap Ele 1. I passed and my next course is due to start in a month's time.

I have gotten back one of my exam results (the one I did before work started). I did quite well...maintained my standard.

Right now, I am just waiting for my HSK exam results before I execute my next move.

Yes, I am not leaving the company as yet.

There are many reasons for this and one prevailing one is because, I am teaching P6 kids and I do not wish my departure to disturb them in any way.

And I was reasoning it out to myself: This job does give me flexibility of time in terms of completing my Diploma. For that, there is reason to stay on.

That is enough justification, is it not?

...

My life has been pretty monotonous.

It is the same schedule week in week out. I am thankful about the regularity.

And when I am at work, I just try to do my work. I am fine with my colleagues but I still find it difficult to penetrate the cliche.

But it doesn't really bother me anymore. Maybe because I know I am going to be there only for a short time.

Time can really do many things. =)

And yes, while I still feel I am not fulfilling my life's value by being here, I console myself with the uplifting side of this job.

So yes, life is great!

If I should be duh now

I thought the worst was over.

Well. I guess, it didn't quite turn out the way I thought.

But I was still glad.

I am slowly learning how to look at things from a different dimension. And I am glad about that.

...

They called and asked me to cover one teacher's class.

Exactly why I don't know. All I know is that the teacher took urgent leave once again.

I was already covering a class at 1145am. And they wanted me to do one at 2pm.

My own class was supposed to be 315pm, which means yes, I would be late, but it would be ok.

Diao.

And I wouldn't have minded it one bit had I prepared for class already, but the truth is, I hadn't.

I think most people couldn't understand that. Even my own colleagues were baffled.

Well, I didn't explain. I don't think I need to.

If you think I am inefficient (and you can go tell the boss for all I care), and I have done my best, then the implication is pretty clear right?

I was on MC on Mon. I was preparing for the Thursday's class on Tue. I was off on Wed. I was preparing for Fri's class on Thursday. And I was preparing for Sat's class on Fri.

Day in day out, I have been doing so much Math until I am sick of it.

Really.

I was also asked on Tue to take over some classes on Fri. '3 days notice, ok lah...?'

Yes, ok la if I sit around all day.

Please lo.

...

So I also don't know why I just cry.

I cried very hard in the toilet until the auntie asked me if I wanted to talk.

And I told her how I felt.

I don't mind being a trainee, but please make it fair.

And really, the more I think about it, the angrier I am.

In fact, I was crying more of anger (win already, I really cry because of everything right) and injustice.

I told the HR afterwards that I don't really care a d*** about this job.

Please lo. Training--where is it?

Please lo. Trainee, without training--till when?

Please lo. You are trying your best--can you at least show some transparency?

...

So what is the verdict now?

I am searching. But I will be here till I find something.

The rule here is, a two-month notice is necessary after confirmation.

Well, ok.

Technically, I am not betting on anything. I am just telling myself,

God-willing, His Grace will descend upon this situation and offer me an alternative.

Else, by His Grace, I will stay here till the end of the year (actually, after I finish my last paper, which is in Oct), I think I will be ready to go.

...

I had a talk with Y.

And really, think about it.

This is a secure place, yes. But this is a place with limitations.

You really must be contented with what you have already to want to stay here all your life.

Am I not contented?

Maybe.

One thing I am sure, it is a place for me to kill time as I am finishing up my Diploma.

But it is not a place to soar.

And no, I am not saying that I am an eagle. For all you know, I may just be a little chick incapable to fly.

But at least, I know even a little chick I may be, I seek to see the skies and be around where eagles fly.

...

For all who are wondering if I am in a better mood...I think yes.

I am slowly seeing my direction. Like I said, I stay here to kill my time.

Yes, there may be better ways to kill time. More productive ways too.

But till that option opens up -- I am knocking already; but not all doors are opening -- I am glad with the current duh way of life.

We all need to be duh once in a while.

So let that be now.

Not letting go...

If I had blogged earlier, my sentiments would have been completely different.

I would have written, "I don't usually believe in taking drugs for my nose. But last night, I had to."

"And because of the drug, I had the luxury of sleeping to dawn without my usual awakenings throughout the night."

"Some people live their life like that. Hoping to just engage in the motion of living till the point of death."

"It is not an apt analogy, but maybe that is how life is, for the many of us--always in a slumber, always asleep."

And that was supposed to continue into something very uplifting, like "And to think that I have always thought I knew myself best."

But yes, I have not written the moment I woke up. That was my mood then.

Now?

I am quite pissed.

But worry not, amidst my relaying to you the turn of events which made me piss, it will still be along the same line of being inspirational.

=)

If I haven't told you, I have made up my mind to leave the place.

Yes, if you have been faithful, you would be known.

Where to? I don't know.

And actually, that doesn't quite matter. Because I continue to believe that God will lead me to it when it is time.

When it is time.

When is that?

I don't know. And I was going to share about some interesting revelation I have come to discover for myself.

You see. I am pretty independent.

I don't mind doing things alone. As you can probably tell from my learning dance, to yoga, to Spanish, to going to America.

There is nothing too daunting about being independent.

But I kind of assume that I am so independent that I will never do anything for anything if I have the chance.

Call it fair trade.

Because I don't ever want people to do anything for me.

That spells potential for emotional blackmail. So yes, that has always been my philosophy.

Until the day before yesterday. (Wait, I am not sure if my blog is still in US time. Anyhow, it is Sun night on my side when the conversation occurred.)

I was asked a question, on whether I will do something (that I can't even stand to do now) for the person.

I went to bed, very unsettled, all determined that I probably won't.

At least, from the way I have understood myself, that was the most likely mode of action.

But surprisingly, I woke up from bed realizing otherwise.

That I can.

That I can make myself stay in this job forever if I am needed to.

Maybe, we all have that 'rise to the occassion' trait in us.

So anyhow, I went to work yesterday very spirited, very uplifted, very empowered.

I didn't mind it.

Although I already have made up my mind to go.

When though, I don't know.

So when I was told yesterday that I had to take up more classes, I was a little...I don't know.

It wasn't shocked or anything. In fact, I had fully anticipated its coming. Maybe dumbfounded at my ability to prophesize was it.

So anyhow, I had wondered if I should have just told her right away that I was planning to quit.
The thought evaporated.

I didn't say what I wanted to say.

But at least, I did one thing: I asked why a trainee teacher is called a trainee teacher.

A trainee teacher is just a person who does not have professional teaching qualifications.

And after going through 'training', which I really can only shake my head about because they are essentially 'chat' sessions, after a number of years, they become the house teachers.

Is there a big deal about that?

My mentor is one who has 'blossomed under the system', who I find totally unapproachable.

So even though she said 'Please feel free to ask her anything you want' I am kind of sure I wouldn't want to do it if I can help it.

Anyhow, I am blogging now, as I was saying, in a pissed mood.

I have let off a bit of steam, although my blood is still boiling a little.

I was just told (not asked, even though they pretend to ask) to cover someone's class, the syllabi of which I totally do not do.

Well, and when I cited that, the reason is, it is the same curriculum for the time now.

And I asked in return, then you should have more choices right?

The reply was, we need 8 covers.

Ha.

There is a big hole in the system. I am not sure whether it is overlooked or ignored.

And no, I really don't quite bother.

So yes, the verdict is that I have to do the cover.

I am pissed, but I am glad.

Because all the more, I know I need to go.

I don't want to do this my whole life. I don't want to be determining the number of marbles a container 80m by 60m by 3om can hold. I don't want to only know how to solve algebraic equations.

I don't want to do this.

My life is definitely more than this.

And with this knowledge, I am moving on.

But no, I haven't decided when I will tender. It is either within the next two weeks, or the end of the year.

Worry not. I am holding on to hope.

My grip is strong.

I won't let go.

No.

not in denial, I hope

I am not sure if you would consider me to be in denial.

I don't think I am.

But then, that may be because I am in denial. Ha...you get the logic?

...

N asked me seriously yesterday if I would consider the option that I may be suffering from depression.

Um...

I didn't really shrug her off. Remember I once wondered too.

And to be frank, I am wondering every moment.

Thanks N. =)

Her reasoning was based on the fact that I seem to be never satisfied. No matter what I do.

Yes, she is right.

I am never satisfied.

And like I say, I do wonder if what she said was the case, that I could be suffering from a lack of serotonin and hence causing myself to be depressed.

But let's cast that aside for a while and let me explain (which yes, you may consider me to be in denial if you wish):

...

If you think about it, do you recall me even feeling neutrally 'ok'?

Even when I say 'ok', it is with a slight tendency either towards the good ok, or the bad ok. Right?

I don't know. I remember so, at least.

And usually, I am either smiley or pouty. There is no neutral. Again.

So what N said started me thinking a lot again.

I like thinking, so I don't really mind.

Am I always negative?

HHmmm...yes, maybe.

I don't know if you ever realize too, but I am very sensitive.

Sensitive towards the whole mood of the environment, towards the expressions of the people.

Sensitive to the things people say, people do, their body language.

I pick it up subconsciously.

No no...I am not saying that that is the problem. It is always easy to blame it on something.

What I mean to say is,

my negative side is accentuated by my sensitive side.

Sounds logical? (Sounds like I am in denial?)

...

I really thought long and hard about what N said.

Specifically, I wonder why I am never satisfied.

If you would hear me out, I would think it is because I am still searching.

There are some people who are at ease with whatever they do no matter what they do. It is because they don't really believe in that each of us has a calling.

There are some people who are continually searching and are always moving. It is because ...

the way I understand it...

they have simply yet to find what they are looking for.

And the whole irony of the situation is, they don't actually know what they are looking for; they just know whether something is or not by the feeling.

Feeling.

Yes, it is not empirical. I know.

...

I like this analogy that Q shared with me just now.

Stability and mobility.

Remember how I said I have prayed for a job, and I was happy?

If we go by the logic, then I was happy because I have found a job.

Simple as that.

And then, why do I want to quit now?

Because I realize it is just not what I think.

Simple right?

And your question would then be, will you ever be happy?

...That is hard. That is really hard.

But then, let me ask you back,

are you ever happy?

Or are you contented most of the time?

Or are you just numb and because life is not too bad, hence you group it as being happy?

Maybe, maybe that is how we are each programmed.

The elusive thing about 'happy-ness' (happiness) is that there is no one single definition.

I am not happy now because I haven't found the thing to fill me up.

My inner void.

My calling.

...

I would choose to believe that my thoughts may not be comprehensible by everybody.

I mean, as I am studying the classics now (my course is on selected Chinese poetry and works) and really, sometimes, I feel what the poets and authors feel.

There are just people like that. People who are more vulnerable. People who are more emotional. People with finer emotional streaks.

And that is the way I am.

No no...I am not blaming it on creation or God or whatsoever---I am just saying it because I am growing to accept it.

It is not easy, because day in day out, I wonder about my psychotic inclinations.

...

We all have many gifts; we just need to find those out and share it with the world. Somehow.

Choosing to go away...

After a long hard struggle, I have decided to walk away.

You know, walking away takes as much, if not more courage, than staying on.

But I have decided to walk away because it is just too difficult to stay on.

If I haven't told you, I cry twice every week without fail. No matter how hard I try to withhold my tears, no matter how strong I try to be, no matter how tight I try to hang on to the feeling of hope, I cry.

I have been crying for as long as I have been in the job...and something inside me is telling me it is not right.

I can't explain it.

Like I said a thousand times before, I prayed for the job and God gave it to me so I should be glad.

So if God gave it to me, then it must be good.

Right?

....

I don't know.

All I know is, whenever someone tells me to just quit, and I consider that, I feel relief.

Hard to explain.

It is just too difficult to explain.

...

2 weeks before, the 2nd reading:

There are different kinds of spiritual gifts but the same Spirit; there are different forms of service but the same Lord; there are different workings but the same God who produces all of them in everyone. To each individual the manifestatin of the Spirit is given for some benefit.

1 Corinthians 12: 3-7

Today's 1st reading:

Moses said to the people: "Remember how for forty years now the Lord, your God, has directed all your journeying in the desert, so as to test your affliction and find out whether it was your intention to keep to his commandments.

Deut 8: 2-3

Maybe it is everything that has led to this decision.

We are all blest with gifts. We are all called to share our gifts with the world.

This current job of mine is not bad, it is just not fitting. Somehow.

And I wonder why.

I mean, there must be something somewhere which fits my persona. There must be, because I felt it once.

It felt so right when I was in the polytechnic. So right.

But I chose this.

And yes, amidst my inner conflict, it suddenly dawned onto me, maybe maybe, this was what God wanted me to feel.

Remember how I shared before about choosing to break up with the wrong guy.

The feeling was just...bad...but somehow, I held on because I was afraid of loneliness.

But because I know how a wrong relationship feels, I know how to find the right one.

And I would choose to think that is why my current boyfriend popped into my life. Not by accident. By God's grace.

Remember I also said before, when I make wrong decisions, those are the times when I 'lose' God.

Have I lost Him now? I don't know. I only know, I can't hear Him.

I keep searching and searching but I can't see and I can't hear.

But I am still glad because God gave me guardian angels in my life. People who I can trust. People who I can ask for spiritual guidance.

This morning, we were sharing about the presence of Christ in our life and H shared about her new job.

She has had this new job as long as I have had mine but her reaction is a complete difference from mine.

She beams with satisfaction. She laughs with a twinkle in her eye.

And I kind of feel, that really should be how I am feeling.

Will I ever find that, I don't know.

All I know if, if I don't try, then I will definitely never find it.

simple life

If I have my way, I would definitely not be here right now.

Listening and withstanding crap.

This one is with my mum.

She said I can't deliver my promises.

Well, I said I was going to teach her how to go on the Internet when I get back. When I got back, haha...yes, I just don't want to do it anymore.

Really, she can nag all she want, about me and my empty promises.

I don't care.

It is very tiring to care.

Just a few weeks ago, I was just asking around for places to rent. Yes, I wanted to move out.

I wish I could move out like that...but I know I will break my parents' hearts.

So I will suck it all in and just turn a deaf ear.

But that is not me. Although yes, you can argue--who are you?

Who do you think you are?

The truth is, half the world's population probably don't have an answer to that. The other half don't bother with the question.

...

Life kind of sucks really.

I can't complain much because life could be worse.

I am thankful I am in a place without natural disasters.

I am thankful I am not dying of starvation, yet.

But yes, the ungrateful mentality has caught up with me once again.

...

I don't have a solution to many of the problems I am facing now...like how my colleagues teased me about being a rabbit--I can only hope that they don't mean it in a menacing way.

I am really frustrated at the way my life is being led (note how I phrase my sentence: I didn't say leading my life, I said, my life being led...know the difference??? If not, it is ok...go read up on English linguistics).

The truth is, I have lost quite a bit of the apparent happy-go-lucky side of myself.

And yes, I said apparent happy-go-lucky.

So what is my immediate goal right now? Or maybe, not even immediate goals. What about my goals in life?

...

None.

Can I say that?

Is that a legitimate answer?

I don't have goals anymore. I just want to lead a simple life.

Simple life with simple happiness.

That is really all I want for now.

The beginning of a journey

I had meant to blog last Wed.

I didn't eventually--I started writing and it is in the Draft box--because I didn't have the time to finish it.

Is it possible? Am I really so busy?

...

Frankly, I have been very very low lately.

I don't know why. It is incomprehensible.

I don't remember feeling so down when I was working in the Polytechnic, or even the lab.

I don't remember feeling so down when I just came back.

So really, I don't know why I am so down.

Unless...

Unless it is because I have strayed from the calling of God.

The path that God had called for me to take.

But you see, I prayed about this job and it was given to me. In my logical deduction, there should not be anything wrong with this episode.

The thing is, I really don't know. That is the way it should be. The way I understand it with my mere mortal mind.

But I really don't know why after I have become so despondent, so negative and so downcast.

I feel that my life is a waste. I feel that I am just a wandering soul.

Trust me--those feelings are not good at all.

And it is funny--everytime someone suggests that I quit, and I really consider the option, I am filled with relief.

Why? I also don't know.

It is incomprehensible.

...

The truth is, I hate my life right now. Very much.

And if you ask me, of course I want to do something about it. Of course. Of course I do.

I just don't know what I can do.

I think I need time out to just zone out and not think about anything.

I have a fear inside me. I am afraid that if I quit, I will have no money.

But if the only motivation for my day-to-day living is just money, isn't that a little too pathetic?

Yes it is. I really think so.

But I am not sure how much I can let it go.

Deep down inside, I don't know how to let God take care of it.

Maybe I should just quit. Like that.

And give Him the faith to guide me.

And bestow in myself the belief in His Providence.

...

Let me have the courage to begin this journey.

Let me find myself.

I am lost.

Totally.

And please, if you can spare some light, share it with me.

Please.

Inertia

I have been repressing the blogging streak.

For the simple reason my life has not been good.

Yes, it is a bit ironic. Aren't blogs supposed to be the very venue to vent frustrations and express unhappiness?

Well, I guess I just didn't want the whole world to start questioning my sanity.

...

I have just finished another exam today. As of now, I have cinco mas (5 more) courses to go. The day of relief is due to be on 22nd Oct.

How am I managing?

Bad le.

Muy mal.

My days are hurried. Schedule is packed.

At work, I still feel that my colleagues have their own cliches which I cannot penetrate. So, I have switched to adopting a reserved, introverted and shy persona.

That is not how I am usually. Or rather, that is not how I typically behave. Maybe that is why I feel so repressed.

So what do I do?

Nothing.

I just do nothing.

I don't have the energy to do anything. I am tired of my life like this. But amidst my tiredness, I do nothing.

Ironic. How ironic of a life.

Yeap. That would sum it up quite nicely.

...

I am due for an interview in a polytechnic next week.

No no. Don't get me wrong. I didn't seek it because I was pissed off at the current position. In fact, the resume was posted at the same time; they just took a super long time to get back to me.

The truth is, I don't think I will get it.

But I will still attend the interview for the sake of finding out more.

So why do I not think I will get it?

For the simple reason that I am not trained in language, and that position is for a lecturer in language instruction.

Well, I guess I am glad that they are willing to grant me an interview to begin with.

...

My mum is back to her old tantrums.

Yes. I am disappointed. Very disappointed.

I remember N asking me once and I told her that my mum has changed.

I think T and G asked me too and they too were surprised to hear that.

Well well. Looks like I was the one who needs to adjust my expectations.

Like what they say, a leopard will never change its spots.

And yes, I am seriously thinking about moving out. That is one.

Else, I am thinking of leaving Singapore altogether.

Grasp, you say?

Grasp, I think too.

But I don't know. Sometimes we need to do some things to get somewhere.

I thought things would become better with time. I am tired of always being disappointed.

Maybe, maybe I can only care from a distance.

Maybe that is what I am meant to do--I just try too hard.

...

These days, the prevailing question is,

what is the price of happiness?

I am not happy now. I am not at all.

Really.

And I am disturbed by that. I think I deserve to seek for the life that I feel will make me happy.

But I can't seem to move.

What is holding me back?

...Maybe, it is the lack of guts.

...Maybe it is the call of responsibility.

Either way, I stay where I am. Either way, I continue to lead this unhappy life.

But what is the value of happiness?

The truth is, I know...if I were to incur a terminal disease (touchwood!) and I know there is a certain limit to my time on Earth, I will without a shadow of doubt give out whatever I am doing right now.

Why?

Because I don't believe in what I am doing. Not one bit.

How ironic!

Yes.

So why do I still do what I do when I am so unhappy?

Because I feel that I need to.

Because my parents need me to do it.

Ha.

So really, what is the value of happiness?

....

I doubt I will have an answer.

But worry not.

I am still very sane.

Yes, I cry quite often.

Yes, I hate myself.

Yes, I hate my life.

But no, I haven't gone nuts.

Not yet.

Like a break-up

I can remember when it happened then, how much in denial I was.

Denial aside, I was also...concerned.

(I was going to say 'worried' but haha, I guess that is an overstatement so I reckon 'concerned' is more apt a word.)

Concerned because 1) I cannot imagine life without him 2) I don't know if I will ever find somebody again.

(Yes, put it in another way: I didn't think I am pretty enough or smart enough or demure enough. In fact, I have a very 'hard' personality for a girl. It seemed highly unlikely for me to be in anyone's list.)

But I remember Y telling me this (when she tried to console me):

We need to leave the wrong one so that the right one can come.

Hhmm, I thought that was quite impressive commonsense.

I mean, it is common sense, isn't it? But it is impressive.

And I think I was told by X before (also because she tried to console me):

Work on yourself. Because God will find you somebody who mirrors you.

Did you go wow?

Never mind. I remember I did.

For a while, I was heartbroken. I mean, come on! 4 years of relationship!

It was painful because suddenly, I had to live my life my own way.

We spent a huge amount of time together on the weekends. Suddenly, I was always home.

Suddenly, I had no one to talk to (although I must confess we talked about shallow things and he clearly wasn't my confidant, but well, old habits die hard...).

Suddenly, I felt I was all alone.

I had many dark periods in my life. I would imagine that that phase was one of those.

It was a mixture of many feelings. Disappointment. Grief. Misery. I don't know...

...

Of course I lived through it.

I remember for a period of time, I was even wondering if I should go to Church! (Because we were going to the same Church...)

Yes, you can imagine the kind of situation it was. Yes, it wasn't amicable.

And no, we are no longer in touch. No no no...not because of enmity or what. I just don't happen to keep in touch with the majority of my JC friends and he is unfrotunately one of them.

But anyhow, I thought it is funny that I associate the feelings so far with my previous break-up.

As you know, right now I am finally in a full-time job.

To the relief of many, I must say?

(I say that because practically everyone bugs me to get a full-time job since I have gotten back. I have debated many times and no, I shan't debate here and now.)

Whatever it is, I am in this job because of a few reasons, one of which is so that I can do as I deem in future.

Which is technically wrong.

I say that because day in day out, I feel that my soul is broken by this burden I have shoved onto my back.

And I start to wonder, who cares about the future?

I feel heartbroken that I don't have the energy to be the happy-go-lucky gal I was.

How ironic.

How very ironic.

I am miserable because day in day out, my life equation is work + study.

There is no time and no energy to do anything else.

(Give you an example: I used to be the ones reminding people to meet up for birthdays and in fact, I think it is supposed to be my friend's birthday today. But I have clearly forgotten.)

HHmmmmm...

For the past week, I was in self-hatred. Really.

Really. I hate my life so much I wish I could just pack up my bags and go away to start afresh.

(see, another thought of denial)

I went to work so broken I almost broke down in the office. I just tried very hard to fight the tears.

My job now is not a bed of roses, no. The scope is ok so far but the social casting is a bit ummm...

Everyone is niched to another. I cannot break the formation.

(But maybe of course, it is me who is not making the effort to break the formation? I don't know.)

I try, but like I said, I don't know if I am the martian or they are the martians.

Maybe maybe, let's take an objective point of view: We all need time.

Anyhow, really, there are only two approaches I can confront my state of mind:

Either I suck it up and move on, or I quit and that's it.

HHhhmmmm...

You would have guessed my stand for writing this.

...

I am bugged because I tried to live in the future.

Yes, the job is wonderful (somehow) and it provides more room for economical navigation.

But well, I forgot to consider the situation whereby I can't even live out the present.

I have cried so much that I wonder if I need psychiatric help.

But really, when I calm down and think properly, I know that this is where I should be right now.

I just have to break out of my resistant state of mind to move on.

...

Staying stuck in the same spot will not amount to anything.

I need to start living!

Like what I did after my break-up then, I will do now.

Maybe life will be more hectic. Maybe I will be more stressed.

But I know I will live through it.

I mean, if you ask me if I could have minimized my heartache, I would say yes.

Honestly. No, no sour grapes.

The truth is, I knew we were not compatible a long time ago. I just didn't have the courage to let go.

Courage.

And so I clung onto it stubbornly for so long, hoping that one day when I wake up, he will change.

But therein the state of people. Of most of us.

Is it not?

You see, my life before I left for the US has always been like that.

I am sure all of you know.

And that is why I decided to go. Hoping to run away and that things will change after my absence.

Of course, it didn't.

Of course, it won't.

And really, maybe for as long as I live, it will always be like that.

It is my problem. Nobody else can solve it.

It is my problem as long as I am the way I am now. As kong as I think the way I think right now.

But I can change, can't I?

I am sure I can.

Because I did, during that break-up.

...

I know I haven't been the most attentive friend around these days.

I am sorry.

The truth is, my life presently is a deprived one. Really, I am not kidding.

Do I like it?

HHmmm....

Hhhmmm...

I don't hate it. Or rather, I am trying my best to smooth my inner sentiments out.

No no. It is not easy.

But I do it anyway.

Because I know I need to change.

And make me stronger than I am now.

...

And I truly believe, as I look back at this phase in life a few years from now, I will truly understand why God gave me this phase.