Let this year be...

"We all need to be noticed". I think Chuck said this in For One More Day, I am not sure. But I do agree.

...

I don't usually hang out with crowds of people. I don't because it doesn't appeal to me.

I crave for intimate small talk where people can tell me about their lives and their emotions, rather than one big group boisterously chatting and discussing the latest fads and trends.

I am a people-people when I am close to most of those hanging around. When it is a big big crowd, I start to feel awkward.

Or maybe, I have always a phobia for people. All these years? I don't know.

...

I am sincerely grateful to C for allowing me to the countdown last night. Although yes really, I do feel very out of the group.

Which made me wonder time and again, from before accepting the invite to when I was there, if I should be there.

I enjoy their company, but does anyone enjoy my company?

As I have learnt, human relations are stuff of heavy maintenance.

For me, it is especially hard because I think too much.

I can't create conversations when I don't even feel that I am in the circle.

Ha, maybe I am too obsessive with vibes.

Yes, yes, I may be sensitive. Maybe even overly sensitive. I acknowledge that.

But that aside, maybe then there really is some truth to it.

...

For a few moments last night, I kind of wished I hadn't chosen my 2008 to end in that way.

No no. It is not that I don't enjoy their company. I do.

They have been so much of my life that I contemplated them being my sisters for my wedding.

But last night, on the last night of 2008, I realized something:

Relationships are a two-way process. I may like someone very much but if that extent of likeness is not reciprocated, then it will only run into a dead end.

....

No no, I don't have many friends.

That is true, really.

Maybe I am too choosy. Maybe I am too selective. Maybe I am too rotten. Maybe, maybe I am just meant to be lonely?

Do I hate that fact?

Yes, of course.

But I can't help it.

I have been trying to mix in, but I haven't been successful.

The way I have learnt: Friendships are fostered over time, over toil, hardship and sweat.

So I guess it is only right that I feel left out since I didn't participate in all four of them.

...

I guess I meant to say, I cherish the times we spent togther.

That they were there to comfort me when I cried, to hold me when I fell.

To laugh with me when I laughed, to teach me when I am stuck.

All that I appreciate. From the bottom of my heart.

And I feel sad that I am amidst the shadows in their hearts' boundaries.

That I will only always be amidst the shadows.

...

It has always been like this since young, and while it is upsetting, I have gotten used to it somehow.

I am a figure of the shadow and that way I shall stay.

There is nothing to lament about; it just needs acknowledgement and contentment.

....

2009: Let this be a year of acknowledgement, discernment and contentment.