Choosing to go away...

After a long hard struggle, I have decided to walk away.

You know, walking away takes as much, if not more courage, than staying on.

But I have decided to walk away because it is just too difficult to stay on.

If I haven't told you, I cry twice every week without fail. No matter how hard I try to withhold my tears, no matter how strong I try to be, no matter how tight I try to hang on to the feeling of hope, I cry.

I have been crying for as long as I have been in the job...and something inside me is telling me it is not right.

I can't explain it.

Like I said a thousand times before, I prayed for the job and God gave it to me so I should be glad.

So if God gave it to me, then it must be good.

Right?

....

I don't know.

All I know is, whenever someone tells me to just quit, and I consider that, I feel relief.

Hard to explain.

It is just too difficult to explain.

...

2 weeks before, the 2nd reading:

There are different kinds of spiritual gifts but the same Spirit; there are different forms of service but the same Lord; there are different workings but the same God who produces all of them in everyone. To each individual the manifestatin of the Spirit is given for some benefit.

1 Corinthians 12: 3-7

Today's 1st reading:

Moses said to the people: "Remember how for forty years now the Lord, your God, has directed all your journeying in the desert, so as to test your affliction and find out whether it was your intention to keep to his commandments.

Deut 8: 2-3

Maybe it is everything that has led to this decision.

We are all blest with gifts. We are all called to share our gifts with the world.

This current job of mine is not bad, it is just not fitting. Somehow.

And I wonder why.

I mean, there must be something somewhere which fits my persona. There must be, because I felt it once.

It felt so right when I was in the polytechnic. So right.

But I chose this.

And yes, amidst my inner conflict, it suddenly dawned onto me, maybe maybe, this was what God wanted me to feel.

Remember how I shared before about choosing to break up with the wrong guy.

The feeling was just...bad...but somehow, I held on because I was afraid of loneliness.

But because I know how a wrong relationship feels, I know how to find the right one.

And I would choose to think that is why my current boyfriend popped into my life. Not by accident. By God's grace.

Remember I also said before, when I make wrong decisions, those are the times when I 'lose' God.

Have I lost Him now? I don't know. I only know, I can't hear Him.

I keep searching and searching but I can't see and I can't hear.

But I am still glad because God gave me guardian angels in my life. People who I can trust. People who I can ask for spiritual guidance.

This morning, we were sharing about the presence of Christ in our life and H shared about her new job.

She has had this new job as long as I have had mine but her reaction is a complete difference from mine.

She beams with satisfaction. She laughs with a twinkle in her eye.

And I kind of feel, that really should be how I am feeling.

Will I ever find that, I don't know.

All I know if, if I don't try, then I will definitely never find it.