The beginning of a journey

I had meant to blog last Wed.

I didn't eventually--I started writing and it is in the Draft box--because I didn't have the time to finish it.

Is it possible? Am I really so busy?

...

Frankly, I have been very very low lately.

I don't know why. It is incomprehensible.

I don't remember feeling so down when I was working in the Polytechnic, or even the lab.

I don't remember feeling so down when I just came back.

So really, I don't know why I am so down.

Unless...

Unless it is because I have strayed from the calling of God.

The path that God had called for me to take.

But you see, I prayed about this job and it was given to me. In my logical deduction, there should not be anything wrong with this episode.

The thing is, I really don't know. That is the way it should be. The way I understand it with my mere mortal mind.

But I really don't know why after I have become so despondent, so negative and so downcast.

I feel that my life is a waste. I feel that I am just a wandering soul.

Trust me--those feelings are not good at all.

And it is funny--everytime someone suggests that I quit, and I really consider the option, I am filled with relief.

Why? I also don't know.

It is incomprehensible.

...

The truth is, I hate my life right now. Very much.

And if you ask me, of course I want to do something about it. Of course. Of course I do.

I just don't know what I can do.

I think I need time out to just zone out and not think about anything.

I have a fear inside me. I am afraid that if I quit, I will have no money.

But if the only motivation for my day-to-day living is just money, isn't that a little too pathetic?

Yes it is. I really think so.

But I am not sure how much I can let it go.

Deep down inside, I don't know how to let God take care of it.

Maybe I should just quit. Like that.

And give Him the faith to guide me.

And bestow in myself the belief in His Providence.

...

Let me have the courage to begin this journey.

Let me find myself.

I am lost.

Totally.

And please, if you can spare some light, share it with me.

Please.