Inertia

I have been repressing the blogging streak.

For the simple reason my life has not been good.

Yes, it is a bit ironic. Aren't blogs supposed to be the very venue to vent frustrations and express unhappiness?

Well, I guess I just didn't want the whole world to start questioning my sanity.

...

I have just finished another exam today. As of now, I have cinco mas (5 more) courses to go. The day of relief is due to be on 22nd Oct.

How am I managing?

Bad le.

Muy mal.

My days are hurried. Schedule is packed.

At work, I still feel that my colleagues have their own cliches which I cannot penetrate. So, I have switched to adopting a reserved, introverted and shy persona.

That is not how I am usually. Or rather, that is not how I typically behave. Maybe that is why I feel so repressed.

So what do I do?

Nothing.

I just do nothing.

I don't have the energy to do anything. I am tired of my life like this. But amidst my tiredness, I do nothing.

Ironic. How ironic of a life.

Yeap. That would sum it up quite nicely.

...

I am due for an interview in a polytechnic next week.

No no. Don't get me wrong. I didn't seek it because I was pissed off at the current position. In fact, the resume was posted at the same time; they just took a super long time to get back to me.

The truth is, I don't think I will get it.

But I will still attend the interview for the sake of finding out more.

So why do I not think I will get it?

For the simple reason that I am not trained in language, and that position is for a lecturer in language instruction.

Well, I guess I am glad that they are willing to grant me an interview to begin with.

...

My mum is back to her old tantrums.

Yes. I am disappointed. Very disappointed.

I remember N asking me once and I told her that my mum has changed.

I think T and G asked me too and they too were surprised to hear that.

Well well. Looks like I was the one who needs to adjust my expectations.

Like what they say, a leopard will never change its spots.

And yes, I am seriously thinking about moving out. That is one.

Else, I am thinking of leaving Singapore altogether.

Grasp, you say?

Grasp, I think too.

But I don't know. Sometimes we need to do some things to get somewhere.

I thought things would become better with time. I am tired of always being disappointed.

Maybe, maybe I can only care from a distance.

Maybe that is what I am meant to do--I just try too hard.

...

These days, the prevailing question is,

what is the price of happiness?

I am not happy now. I am not at all.

Really.

And I am disturbed by that. I think I deserve to seek for the life that I feel will make me happy.

But I can't seem to move.

What is holding me back?

...Maybe, it is the lack of guts.

...Maybe it is the call of responsibility.

Either way, I stay where I am. Either way, I continue to lead this unhappy life.

But what is the value of happiness?

The truth is, I know...if I were to incur a terminal disease (touchwood!) and I know there is a certain limit to my time on Earth, I will without a shadow of doubt give out whatever I am doing right now.

Why?

Because I don't believe in what I am doing. Not one bit.

How ironic!

Yes.

So why do I still do what I do when I am so unhappy?

Because I feel that I need to.

Because my parents need me to do it.

Ha.

So really, what is the value of happiness?

....

I doubt I will have an answer.

But worry not.

I am still very sane.

Yes, I cry quite often.

Yes, I hate myself.

Yes, I hate my life.

But no, I haven't gone nuts.

Not yet.