Like a break-up

I can remember when it happened then, how much in denial I was.

Denial aside, I was also...concerned.

(I was going to say 'worried' but haha, I guess that is an overstatement so I reckon 'concerned' is more apt a word.)

Concerned because 1) I cannot imagine life without him 2) I don't know if I will ever find somebody again.

(Yes, put it in another way: I didn't think I am pretty enough or smart enough or demure enough. In fact, I have a very 'hard' personality for a girl. It seemed highly unlikely for me to be in anyone's list.)

But I remember Y telling me this (when she tried to console me):

We need to leave the wrong one so that the right one can come.

Hhmm, I thought that was quite impressive commonsense.

I mean, it is common sense, isn't it? But it is impressive.

And I think I was told by X before (also because she tried to console me):

Work on yourself. Because God will find you somebody who mirrors you.

Did you go wow?

Never mind. I remember I did.

For a while, I was heartbroken. I mean, come on! 4 years of relationship!

It was painful because suddenly, I had to live my life my own way.

We spent a huge amount of time together on the weekends. Suddenly, I was always home.

Suddenly, I had no one to talk to (although I must confess we talked about shallow things and he clearly wasn't my confidant, but well, old habits die hard...).

Suddenly, I felt I was all alone.

I had many dark periods in my life. I would imagine that that phase was one of those.

It was a mixture of many feelings. Disappointment. Grief. Misery. I don't know...

...

Of course I lived through it.

I remember for a period of time, I was even wondering if I should go to Church! (Because we were going to the same Church...)

Yes, you can imagine the kind of situation it was. Yes, it wasn't amicable.

And no, we are no longer in touch. No no no...not because of enmity or what. I just don't happen to keep in touch with the majority of my JC friends and he is unfrotunately one of them.

But anyhow, I thought it is funny that I associate the feelings so far with my previous break-up.

As you know, right now I am finally in a full-time job.

To the relief of many, I must say?

(I say that because practically everyone bugs me to get a full-time job since I have gotten back. I have debated many times and no, I shan't debate here and now.)

Whatever it is, I am in this job because of a few reasons, one of which is so that I can do as I deem in future.

Which is technically wrong.

I say that because day in day out, I feel that my soul is broken by this burden I have shoved onto my back.

And I start to wonder, who cares about the future?

I feel heartbroken that I don't have the energy to be the happy-go-lucky gal I was.

How ironic.

How very ironic.

I am miserable because day in day out, my life equation is work + study.

There is no time and no energy to do anything else.

(Give you an example: I used to be the ones reminding people to meet up for birthdays and in fact, I think it is supposed to be my friend's birthday today. But I have clearly forgotten.)

HHmmmmm...

For the past week, I was in self-hatred. Really.

Really. I hate my life so much I wish I could just pack up my bags and go away to start afresh.

(see, another thought of denial)

I went to work so broken I almost broke down in the office. I just tried very hard to fight the tears.

My job now is not a bed of roses, no. The scope is ok so far but the social casting is a bit ummm...

Everyone is niched to another. I cannot break the formation.

(But maybe of course, it is me who is not making the effort to break the formation? I don't know.)

I try, but like I said, I don't know if I am the martian or they are the martians.

Maybe maybe, let's take an objective point of view: We all need time.

Anyhow, really, there are only two approaches I can confront my state of mind:

Either I suck it up and move on, or I quit and that's it.

HHhhmmmm...

You would have guessed my stand for writing this.

...

I am bugged because I tried to live in the future.

Yes, the job is wonderful (somehow) and it provides more room for economical navigation.

But well, I forgot to consider the situation whereby I can't even live out the present.

I have cried so much that I wonder if I need psychiatric help.

But really, when I calm down and think properly, I know that this is where I should be right now.

I just have to break out of my resistant state of mind to move on.

...

Staying stuck in the same spot will not amount to anything.

I need to start living!

Like what I did after my break-up then, I will do now.

Maybe life will be more hectic. Maybe I will be more stressed.

But I know I will live through it.

I mean, if you ask me if I could have minimized my heartache, I would say yes.

Honestly. No, no sour grapes.

The truth is, I knew we were not compatible a long time ago. I just didn't have the courage to let go.

Courage.

And so I clung onto it stubbornly for so long, hoping that one day when I wake up, he will change.

But therein the state of people. Of most of us.

Is it not?

You see, my life before I left for the US has always been like that.

I am sure all of you know.

And that is why I decided to go. Hoping to run away and that things will change after my absence.

Of course, it didn't.

Of course, it won't.

And really, maybe for as long as I live, it will always be like that.

It is my problem. Nobody else can solve it.

It is my problem as long as I am the way I am now. As kong as I think the way I think right now.

But I can change, can't I?

I am sure I can.

Because I did, during that break-up.

...

I know I haven't been the most attentive friend around these days.

I am sorry.

The truth is, my life presently is a deprived one. Really, I am not kidding.

Do I like it?

HHmmm....

Hhhmmm...

I don't hate it. Or rather, I am trying my best to smooth my inner sentiments out.

No no. It is not easy.

But I do it anyway.

Because I know I need to change.

And make me stronger than I am now.

...

And I truly believe, as I look back at this phase in life a few years from now, I will truly understand why God gave me this phase.