Recollections for Fat Wednesday

I just heard over the radio that yesterday was 'Fat Wednesday' in the UK.

The very reason being that people have a tendency to 1) overindulge in this particular day in post-celebration for Easter 2) not stick to their diets anymore.

That set me pondering: Had I consumed more than the reasonable amount of calories then?

I don't remember.

But I do know that emotion stirring inside me.

...

I met my senior (dance scholarship) after RCIA yesterday.

I think he meant it as a casual comment. I think I should be perceiving it in that same context.

And I am trying to...

"Eh, you have put on weight ah"

An innocent comment that got me jumping to my own defence. "Actually, no le. I have lost weight."

I don't know what is the situation now: if I am actually slimmer or fatter than when I was in Singapore.

There would be a tendency to be fat, wouldn't it? I don't do as much dance anymore.

I have work to do. I attend classes. And I do pilates/ yoga three-four times a week.

He asked if I was still dancing.

I said no...not at the moment.

And if you believe me, I struggle with that too.

I wish I have more time to do the things I want to do, but I am stretched to the limit already.

(You can assume I am finding excuses, but if you know how I lead my life, I bet you wouldn't say that...anyway...)

The RCIA session yesterday was about trust and faith.

We had played two games, of which I thought one was particularly interesting: We were being blindfolded and led around the house to touch things.

We were told to be open to the experience.

Of course, when the game concluded, the unanimous answer was that fear lurked in all of us.

Fear...what exactly are we fearful about?

...

The way I look at it, I am typical of Man. I like to be in control. I want to be able to see what is in front of me.

And sad to say, believe it or not, I am still wimping over my decision to return home. I just don't understand why my mortal wimpy mind refuses to let it go. And I don't understand what exactly about it I can't let go of.

Maybe it is the notion of 'lost': lost opportunities to learn dance and do travel.

Maybe it is the notion of 'worthy time': If God had planned for this, why did He even give me the dance scholarship?

Maybe it is the notion of faith and trust: that despite being well aware of the fact that this was the best decision, I want to lead my way.

We are all mortals, who like to believe we know better, who like to think we are better planners.

But the truth is, we can only see so far.

As far as I am seated from this computer screen.

Many a time, all we have are unknowns. And I know that.

I guess it is just my ego which refuses to submit to reality.

...

Before I left, I warned you guys that I may come back fatter than what you can recall me to be. With due recognition to the American fast food that was set to plague my system.

I came back, 3/4 of the me before I left.

To be honest, my health was not doing well then, so I had spent time recuperating and eating better. In essence, eating more.

If you ask me now, I feel better.

I may be looking plumper than before, and as a result, struggle with my identity but I can feel my core strength developing.

I can do my headstands better and handstands better.

Having said that, however, I do not deny the impact that comment had on me.

But maybe I should stop fighting this battle on my own.

I remember Bob telling me before: An alcoholic can only cease his addiction when he acknowledges this vice. So the same I will do.

I was an anorexic and I still battle with the idealism of being thin once in a while. But it is perhaps time to give it up to God.

Who obviously can do more than I can.

Who obviously can help me more than I can help myself.

Christine asked us...if we were to start letting Him lead every facet of our life, how would this attitude affect our life?

*closes my eyes to think*

Total surrender is hard. But that is what I need to do. From my own problems to my family's issues.

Trust in His Providence, for He is the only one who can see so far.

Do not worry about tomorrow. Today has enough troubles of its own. Matt 6: 34