The promise to moult

I am kind of in charge of the P3 tutorials. One of the chapters is about life cycles.

Of plants and animals.

In the animal syllabi, there is this process known as 'moulting'.

Question: Why does the insect moult?

...

It was a turbulent day yesterday.

Turbulent because after I had calmed myself down with that blog entry, someone stirred my emotions up again.

Am I under stress? I don't know. Maybe.

But I remember it was really dramatic because I was weeping and eating at the same time. Can imagine the scenario?

Try it. It is kind of too weird a combo.

Anyway, yes, someone/thing stirred me up so much I had to really cry it out.

The target? My pillow lo.

That was the only way I can scream without being found out.

...

If you are tired of me saying that I cry every other day/every week, let me assure you you are not alone.

I am tired too.

Crying takes up a lot of energy ok! After every episode, I have to clear my mucus just to make sure I don't get sick from all that swallowed mucus. (Yikes. Gross...)

And then I perspire so much that I look like I have just finished running or something.

Not to mention my swollen eyes and my lethargic mind.

...

I can't say that today's state of mind will stay with me for the rest of this endeavour.

But I do want it to stay.

I want it to stay because I am as tired as you are from reading about my emotional turmoils.

I am not sure if I have said this before but the way I see my emotions, I am like the insect.

Yes, snakes as well.

Which needs to moult.

Why?

Because the old skin is too small.

Because we need to grow out of the old skin.

Maybe it is not that fitting an analogy--the 'new' skin is definitely more 'spacious'--whereas I seem to feel more suffocated right now.

Maybe...because my perspective is still the old perspective?

I was thinking about my reaction in Long Island. Had I really needed to go?

Well, that really depends on the angle that I am looking at things from.

If we disregard the role my parents play, then no. Not really.

I could always have put up with being a half-Filipino maid.

I say that because in retrospect, when I can look at it from the present perspective, the trade-off was kind of worth it.

That is something I need to learn. Looking at things from the 'future' perspective.

Something which I can definitely do when I am composed and calm.

When I do not let my emotions dominate my psyche.

...

Life is a mountain, I remember I said that once.

But sometimes, it can be a forest.

A forest of dense vegetation whereby you can't fathom your way out at all.

Using your map and your compass, you utilize your map skills and interpret that walking towards the east direction will lead you to the village that you were looking for.

So you walk.

And walk.

And walk.

What if, what if, based on your judgement you were supposed to get out of the forest in 5 hours, but you realize that that was not the case?

First reaction?

Fear?

Second reaction?

Confusion?

Third reaction?

...

If you behave 'typically' your third reaction would be self-doubt.

You will start to wonder if you have read your map properly. You will also wonder if your compass is even working.

Yes? No?

I kind of think I am that navigator who has lost faith in my own ability.

As I was telling N, I feel lost.

Yes, interestingly. I feel lost despite having considered so much before taking on this job.

Why do I feel lost?

I feel lost because...I am not sure if I should be here now.

Although I know that I should be here now.

Just like...I know I was supposed to return home after that episode in Church (seeing the lady and crying...) but I didn't want to.

I just resisted because I am not convinced about the action plan that has been paved out for me.

I know many of you are not religious but let me explain to you:

Most teachers here have to go through a co-pilot before they are formerly offered. The co-pilot serves as an assessment ground.

I didn't need to do it.

Put it another way: I breezed through the whole process.

Wasn't that good?

Ha...I don't know. I am a mortal; I don't think like God.

All I know is that I do know that I should be doing what I am doing now. I know...but I don't like it which therefore makes it difficult to reconcile the strifle.

If I know I shouldn't be doing something but I am doing it, then yes, there is some justification. But alas, no! It is the exact opposite.

So maybe I figured I could try to change my heart.

And moult my perspective.

...

I promised myself that I will continue to have faith in myself.

And in my navigation abilities.

And in my compass and map.

No, it will not be easy. Because imagine you are in the sea--is it easier to swim against the current or with the current?

Yes...and amidst all the negativity in my house, sometimes I really feel like just floating with the current.

Then I will not be so tired.

But I promise myself I won't do that.

I will continue searching for the rainbow to find my pot of gold.

I will...

And in fact, the next time she starts being negative, I have decided that I will tell her off.

Hard.

A promise...

is a promise.

Right till the end.