Car crash

Week after week, I have to confront myself.

How does it feel?

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Imagine if week after week, you have to explain to your boss why the big boss employed you.

I don't know if that is an apt analogy; it is the closest I can paint.

But that is what I do: week after week, I have to reason things out to my inner psyche as to why I am doing what I am doing.

One side cringes and cries. The other bursts out and screams.

It is an imploding Dr. Jerkyll and Mr. Hyde in action.

...

I saw this reflection in zbW.

Title, "We/Ours". Very interesting and thought-provoking article.

Apparently, it was a article written by George Carlin. He was a comedy actor of the 70-80's.

It is a pretty long article so I will just do an excerpt of the ideas which have captivated my attention:

In our times, there exist many conflicting sights. We have higher buildings but smaller hearts. We have broader expressways but narrower patience.

We spend more but we have less. We buy more but we enjoy less.

We have better qualifications but less consciousness. We have more knowledge but less execution power. We have more skills and more trouble. We have continually more advanced drug developments but less health.

We drink too much liquor, smoke too many cigarettes, spend too lavishingly, laugh less heartily, drive our cars too fast, get angry too fast, stay up too late, get out of bed too tired, read too little, watch too much TV and pray too miserably little.

We know how to earn a living, but we don't know how to live life. We waste the days in our life away...

We purified the air but choked our psyches.

We learnt to be quick, but we can't acquire the lesson pf patience.

....and it ends off with:

Bear this every single moment: Life is not measured by the number of breaths, but by the second ticking by the clock.

...

Don't ask me for my thoughts about the article. I have too many.

Ha.

And in case you are wondering: Don't I get tired of having to confront myself day after day?

...Of course I do.

But I don't know what else I can do.

If you ask me, I have a whole list of things I want to do. But can I do them now?

I don't know. If my life were only I, me and myself, then that would be nice.

But sadly, my life is not only I, me and myself.

Yesterday my mum said something which started my incessant reasoning: I want to fly, but I can't.

I am not sure if you know, but my mum is sick. So she is saying that she wants to do many things but she can't because of her health.

And I think: I want to do many things too, but my wings are clipped.

See the 'but'. I don't know if I am becoming a 'but' person.

Maybe. Maybe I am conforming to the majority. Isn't that good?

Conforming to the majority means I don't have to fight so hard anymore, right? Because 'my self' will die.

When that happens, can I survive? That is something I ask myself everyday, and that is what R asked me last night too.

You know, amidst the dissatisfaction and despise I have for my life right now, I choose to continue.

Silly? Yea.

Maybe that is a sigh of conforming.

Is it good?

Don't know.

It is one of those many things whereby you only have an answer when you lead it. Like in the Matrix when you have to choose a pill.

Once you have made your choice, that is it.

You will never know what choosing the other pill entails you to do.

All I can think of is that I will jump out of this car the moment I see it crashing.

Don't ask me if that is too late then. Remember, it is like the pill.

R asked me why I persist on when I am so unhappy. Um...I ask myself that too.

But the crux of the problem is, I don't know why I am unhappy. What about the situation makes me unhappy?

Is it the job?

Or is it my current plight?

If it is my current plight, will that change when I change jobs? Probably not.

I thought I would love to be away from home...but I am not sure.

Like R analyzed, I had the chance to be away from home but I came back.

Why had I come back? Because my conscience was pricked.

So if you ask me, which is worst: a tickling prick of conscience or the suppression of emotions?

I don't know. I guess my current psyche reasons the former to be worse. But is it really the case?

I don't know.

Frankly, I ask myself the same question:

Can I hold on? I don't know how long more I need to fight with myself.

And will it be too late when I jump out once I see that my car is crashing?

...