Affording the growth

I am glad I didn't write last night.

I thought I would, but I figured I had better use the time to practise my zuo wen.

Yes, my exam is this Saturday.

I don't really have a lot of time to revise but I hope I will be fine. I think I should do ok. I think...

...

I was agitated yesterday.

Very agitated.

So agitated that a lady had to stare at me when I was on my way to work because she was curious about my crying.

Ya ah, why I cry?

Why I always cry?

Why I like to cry?

Maybe those questions were the ones in her head.

I cry because I want to.

I am sure that is a right I can at least exercise amidst the many others I can't, right?

...

I don't hate to work. I don't.

If you ask me, what would I prefer: being at home and being a waste or working my head (note, I didn't write heart and soul) out and helping to generate the economy in a meagre way, I prefer the latter.

That is indisputable.

Although yes, I do envy Y's life. Who does the things as his wishes deem.

But what is the value of being envious? You either do it or you don't. You don't stand by the side and clap hands.

And you can do that if you have the means to afford it.

Affordability, it is called, I believe.

If I can afford it, I would have my own stall and sell muffins and tarts.

If I can afford it, I would set up a stall in Manhattan Chinatown and cater to the Chinese community.

If I can afford it, I would publish my book and delicate the collections to a needy institution.

If I can afford it, I will obviously do many things. And I am sure you will too.

But the essence is, I can't afford it.

And I accept it.

...

I was trying very hard to fight the tears on my way back.

I didn't end up being a sight this time round.

But I did ponder about many issues:

What about now do I hate?

And I tried to compare with my previous experiences: Why had I enjoyed RP so much? Or even the language center?

Why do I feel how I feel when I was in the lab?

What is the problem with me?

... I think I kind of know....but I am not sure.

...

I like to call the shots in dictating the schedule I have.

That aside, I like to have a regular life. No, that isn't so right. I like to have a life with regular timings.

Like yesterday, I had my dinner at 9pm. (I think that is why they say a hungry man is an angry man?)

I would have skipped it but my lovely parents had decided to cook my dinner.

Diao.

Anyhow, that is not the point. The point is, my schedule doesn't allow a regular schedule so far.

But I like a regular schedule.

Wait, let me rephrase: I always like the things I can't have---is that what you are thinking?

Maybe you are right.

...

But no, in case you are placing a bet on me leaving soon, ...no, I am afraid you will have to part with your money.

I will not quit like that. Without even trying.

Growth may not be nice. Just like when you were growing from a teenager into an adult, did you like your responsibilities? I bet none of us did.

But like it or not, it is going to happen.

R asked me if I dread going to work.

Um...

... ... No ah.

Why should I dread going to work?

While it is not the thing that keeps me alive, it is one instrument to help me achieve the thing that will keep me alive.

Of course, then we will run into issues of how important is the present and its relative significance to the future.

But let's skip it for now.

I will stick to it and do it. Not because of anything, just because I have promised myself I will.

A promise is a promise.

I have broken my promises to myself too many times. It is time I deal with it.

Growth is not comfortable. It may even be painful. Think about a scar with new tissue growing. Even when the fibroblasts are clustered in the wound area, it will still hurt.

And it will hurt as long as you allow it to hurt.

But it is necessary.