not in denial, I hope

I am not sure if you would consider me to be in denial.

I don't think I am.

But then, that may be because I am in denial. Ha...you get the logic?

...

N asked me seriously yesterday if I would consider the option that I may be suffering from depression.

Um...

I didn't really shrug her off. Remember I once wondered too.

And to be frank, I am wondering every moment.

Thanks N. =)

Her reasoning was based on the fact that I seem to be never satisfied. No matter what I do.

Yes, she is right.

I am never satisfied.

And like I say, I do wonder if what she said was the case, that I could be suffering from a lack of serotonin and hence causing myself to be depressed.

But let's cast that aside for a while and let me explain (which yes, you may consider me to be in denial if you wish):

...

If you think about it, do you recall me even feeling neutrally 'ok'?

Even when I say 'ok', it is with a slight tendency either towards the good ok, or the bad ok. Right?

I don't know. I remember so, at least.

And usually, I am either smiley or pouty. There is no neutral. Again.

So what N said started me thinking a lot again.

I like thinking, so I don't really mind.

Am I always negative?

HHmmm...yes, maybe.

I don't know if you ever realize too, but I am very sensitive.

Sensitive towards the whole mood of the environment, towards the expressions of the people.

Sensitive to the things people say, people do, their body language.

I pick it up subconsciously.

No no...I am not saying that that is the problem. It is always easy to blame it on something.

What I mean to say is,

my negative side is accentuated by my sensitive side.

Sounds logical? (Sounds like I am in denial?)

...

I really thought long and hard about what N said.

Specifically, I wonder why I am never satisfied.

If you would hear me out, I would think it is because I am still searching.

There are some people who are at ease with whatever they do no matter what they do. It is because they don't really believe in that each of us has a calling.

There are some people who are continually searching and are always moving. It is because ...

the way I understand it...

they have simply yet to find what they are looking for.

And the whole irony of the situation is, they don't actually know what they are looking for; they just know whether something is or not by the feeling.

Feeling.

Yes, it is not empirical. I know.

...

I like this analogy that Q shared with me just now.

Stability and mobility.

Remember how I said I have prayed for a job, and I was happy?

If we go by the logic, then I was happy because I have found a job.

Simple as that.

And then, why do I want to quit now?

Because I realize it is just not what I think.

Simple right?

And your question would then be, will you ever be happy?

...That is hard. That is really hard.

But then, let me ask you back,

are you ever happy?

Or are you contented most of the time?

Or are you just numb and because life is not too bad, hence you group it as being happy?

Maybe, maybe that is how we are each programmed.

The elusive thing about 'happy-ness' (happiness) is that there is no one single definition.

I am not happy now because I haven't found the thing to fill me up.

My inner void.

My calling.

...

I would choose to believe that my thoughts may not be comprehensible by everybody.

I mean, as I am studying the classics now (my course is on selected Chinese poetry and works) and really, sometimes, I feel what the poets and authors feel.

There are just people like that. People who are more vulnerable. People who are more emotional. People with finer emotional streaks.

And that is the way I am.

No no...I am not blaming it on creation or God or whatsoever---I am just saying it because I am growing to accept it.

It is not easy, because day in day out, I wonder about my psychotic inclinations.

...

We all have many gifts; we just need to find those out and share it with the world. Somehow.