Better, or not?

It is the Deepavali Public Holiday and I am very glad for the opportunity to...rest? Well, kind of, more of cleaning up the house.

Yes, my place is very messy. I am very messy, to be frank.

My place is so messy that we would qualify for that variety show with Kym Ng as host and doubling as a broom.

Never mind if you don't know the show--the message is, my house is dirty and it needs cleaning up.

...

I am not sure if I have officially announced it (I can't remember and I can't be bothered to scroll my past entries): I have tendered my resignation.

It came as a shock to my colleagues, for whatever reasons I don't know.

Maybe like what O likes to say, I am too docile (note, submissive may be the other dimension to its actual meaning) and so, like the docile pandas who don't bite, I was probably expected to sit here through the rest of my life.

Then maybe there are others who feel that I am at the top of things, and since I am handling everything so well, there is absolutely no reason to go.

Of course the list goes on.

It is a very hard call, as I have explained time and again.

Life is good, but I don't crave for that kind of a good life.

I am not sure if you know what I mean.

The simple truth: holding a job is not only about being at the top of things or being submissive.
For me, it is about seeking my vocation. The very meaning of my purpose.

That aside, I guess what is most upsetting is that they didn't try to make me stay.

Although frankly, I was thinking to myself, maybe they knew they can't...since I have another job offer waiting already.

When I went into the office with E, she was obviously more concerned about the possible conflict of interest.

Come on.

How could there be when all I do now is modifying exam questions and teaching the syllabi the Ministry has set and I am moving on to shaping schools and teachers' psychology?

More interestingly, I think she kind of asked if the job were a better one.

No, I said, I can't say if it is better.

How would I know? How would I judge?

...

If you think about it very hard, every single choice would be the best possible, so there is really no better one.

No, the quote didn't come from me, and no, I don't remember where I have seen this.

But it is true, isn't it?

At every juncture of a decision, you stop and ponder and make the decision because you would have believed that it was better.

If not, you wouldn't have opted for it.

Like me, I didn't want to be pigeon-holed as a teacher. I didn't want to be in a position which deals with the transmission of knowledge.

So I opt out.

But that doesn't mean being a teacher is not a good thing. We all need teachers. I am where I am because of the guidance of my teachers.

It just means that at this point of time, not continuing to be a teacher is good for me.

It may not be better but it is just something I have to do.

...

The truth is, vocation is a very elusive thing.

It competes with the other more important things in life, like your remuneration, your sense of satisfaction, the prestige and social status.

I remember telling Q, the new position excites me because I know this is a possible output of the training I have had.

And I was telling M, I am one research assistant versus one of the many other teachers here.

No no. I don't think it is about being important.

I can still be important here, if they had valued me as an indvidual.

But from the very shallow questions they ask, I know for sure no, I am but another 'teacher' mould.

...

So really, I can't comment if my new position will be better.

For one, it is not better since I have to travel to the other side of the island.

And two, it is not better because the pay is slightly lower (Q asked in shock why I hadn't negotiated).

But then, at the end of the day, what matters as I am taught by R, should exceed all this very mortal considerations.

As long as it fulfills your missing link, it is in all sense, better already.