Growing up and growing out.

I stared at the date of my last post and I thought it didn't feel so long ago.

Then I remembered that...it was November already. And yes, it has been a while.

....

I think the good news is, I am no longer as emo as I used to be.

Why? ...

HHmmm...maybe because I am coping better, or maybe there really are less things to get me emo.

Or maybe I am maturing, so I just grow out of it.

I wonder, do we grow out of everything?

...

My mum went back to the hospital on Thursday for her fractured toe.

Nope. It is not healing.

Please note, I didn't say 'it has not healed'; I said, 'it is not healing'.

So yes! It is not healing.

I don't know. At moments like this, I regret coming home. Which is funny, isn't it?

At a time when my mum needs me, shouldn't I be glad for being home? I should, I think...because I can be of help.

But I guess, I am just not sure if I am more of a help than a dependence.

...

Z is leaving for Japan. She will be there for two years.

I am envious, yes...and I am happy for her too.

The truth is, I have seen her dedication towards her work, and I really feel she deserves it.

I guess in contrary, I am just not too sure of where I am heading, and if I will ever come across such an opportunity.

You know--people often label me as aimless. Yes, aimless.

First, they wonder why I want to go to USA. Now, they wonder why I am in a tuition centre after having achieved a Masters.

Then they will wonder why I am not a teacher when I am in NXX.

Where am I heading, they always ask.

And I am speechless.

Because I know I can't say "Look. I am searching" or "I don't know". These answers are not acceptable.

We are all expected to have answers.

....But why?

Aren't the answers supposed to be real answers? Or are they meant to be cooked up?

...

I managed to meet up with the scholars last night. After a long time.

It didn't turn out as awkward as I would have imagined. Which was consoling.

And I am also glad that I got to sit at a place with H and C across my place. They are the people I can get along more with.

I don't know, but they didn't turn out as distant as I had imagined.

It is not that I have a wild imagination. I think to a large extent, I have been building barriers outside my heart.

I can't recall exactly, but there have been few instances that a meet-up didn't turn out as bad as I had imagined.

Maybe, maybe we do really grow out of things.

...

Just last week, when my dad was cursing and swearing about the apparent ignorance of the whole family, I was almost going to leave home.

Yes. Pack my bags and leave.

I don't think it is a matter of childishness or what; it was more like...I really don't feel that his words are justified.

In fact, when he chided me at the hospital on Thursday (for forgetting to bring the radiograph), I had shouted back.

Don't ask me why. I don't know.

I still love my dad. I am just not sure of the best way to love him.

...

If growing up is like a baby bird being fetched and finally stretching his wings, then perhaps it is time I have the courage to do the same.