The wrangle

In the end, I messaged her.

I messaged her because I wasn't sure what was the best way to do it. I had wanted to send her a card (since her birthday is coming soon) but what if she thought I had meant to sabotage her birthday? Then I thought I will write her a letter...but I didn't know how I was going to get the address.

So I messaged her in the end...and then I realized, maybe, I emphasize, maybe, if she were already biased in some ways against me, then no matter what I do, it will be insincere.

It is very easy to be insincere.

I messaged her to say thanks. Thanks for all that she has done. For the notes. For her counselling. For her editing.

I wonder if she can infer that I meant to thank her for the friendship.

But the thing is, once again...there was no response. No acknowledgement.

No no, I am not looking for anything. I am not.

Maybe if time were to be rewound to 8 years ago, then yes, maybe I have reasons to be hopeful. But, but, we are talking about 10 years. 10 years can do a lot of things. A lot a lot of things.

....

I felt a little dismayed last night. So dismayed I couldn't sleep.

You see, I have been thinking after Sunday if I should say thanks. So yes, I have been thinking for 4 days at least.

Then, before I went home last night, I asked my colleague W.

And she asked "What is the point?", I realize I don't have the answer.

The truth is, she is right. Ten years can do a lot of things. "For all you know, she is no longer the same person already."

Maybe she is right. But...

I really didn't mean to have a point in saying thanks.

I didn't know how to cherish people in the past. I am learning how to...

....

I couldn't sleep last night because I was still hopeful that she may drop me an sms to say something.

Anything.

Yes, anything. But no, nothing came.

Like I told W, I remember writing to her. I remember saying many things. And I remember being ignored.

What does that mean? Do you acknowledge it, or do you not?

Am I so much a pain to you now that you choose to not acknowledge me in the end?

And the weird reality is, I can never sit across her and talk normally. I need to see her in a group because I need others as a buffer.

It always feel like a barrier separates us. As to what the barrier constitutes, I don't know!
I don't know. I really don't know.

Is it in my psyche? As in, maybe I have imagined the barrier?

I don't know.

All I know is...

after all these years, I am the only one holding her as a baggage.

I am not good with letting go. That, I know.

But it feels stupid when you thought you were still in a struggle...when in reality, you are the only one twisted with that rope.

You wrangle that rope around yourself.

... *shakes head*

I guess J was right.

We all have such friendships. Friendships which we cherish but can no longer do anything about.

So we can only move forward.

Y, I still wish you all the best.

There is nothing left for me to say. I have said all my apologies, expressed all my thanks.

I am happy that you have moved on.

Guess it is time for me too.