Thursday, August 28, 2008

*shouts*

The apple is ....

I can't find a word. Crumbling? Rotting?

Nah.

The apple is just not herself.

Feeling overwhelmed and stressed and sick.

Stomach is feeling very bad, probably due to the ocha I drank so late at night. My sleep was interrupted with persistent cramps last night.

I only remember having cramps during that time of the month, so to have cramps after tea (implicit meaning being, it is not that time of the month yet) is a bit disturbing.

...

I skipped class this morning.

Porque?

Because I am really feeling stressed out and overwhelmed and dejected and overwhelmed and tired and overwhelmed and pissed off and overwhelmed.

Count the number of "overwhelmed" please...

I haven't done my Japanese homework. I haven't given the Works of Mercy project proper thought. I have been busy.

With what?

Aiyoh, I don't know!

Busy doing nothing!

I don't know...maybe it is the hazy weather.

Nah, it is just everything. I am just too bored.

I met up with N last night. After work.

Yes, I was tired, so maybe that is also why my mind is not thinking too properly.

(4 things get me cranky: when I am hungry, thirsty or tired, or urgent)

(Yes, that was not proper English, and yes, we are supposed to be on a Speak Good English campaign).

...

I just find myself so disorientated.

And I think it is partly because I get bored too easily.

And then I don't like to get myself entangled with seemingly stupid things.

So I keep running.

I thought N was quite sharp in pointing that out:

I like to choose the path of most resistance. Everytime.

And when I do a thorough reflection, I think that is true.

I never did Biology in O Levels. I just decided I will do it at JC. I was one of the two in my class and few in my school to do that.

I never really had dance training. I just decided I will go and try out for the dance scholarship auditions (ya la, that is why I didn't do well in the scholarship either!!!! Hahahahaha).

Now, I have a M.Sc. But I want to do a Ph.D in lnguistics.

I have had 6 years of training in Science, but I want to do Communications, or Defence.

Why?

Because I am bored.

And really, that is NOT good. Not good at all.

Because I am so bored, I am always chasing.

Chasing for the seemingly distant.

N was saying...most people will just not bother and stay in the same field.

Because really, it takes double the energy to do something else.

Imagine...(I gave this analogy to R) you are walking 12km in the Eastern direction to catch the sunrise...

and then you decide that, ok, I don't want the sunrise anymore, I want the sunset, so you start running in the opposite direction.

Crazy?

I don't know.

The way I see it, it is worth it, I suppose.

Just that at moments like now, I am really tired. Tired from all that running.

...

This is the hardest period and so when G called and demanded why I had to void the appointment on Sat, I was quite cross.

I thought we were best buddies? Surely she can understand my situation and my stress?

I don't know. I never asked her in the end.

The truth is, this is really the worst time now. I know for sure, once I get over this, all will be good.

I have a test on 17th Sept. Another on 21st Sept.

I am in the second last module of my Chinese Diploma course. It will end next month.

I am vigorously writing resumes to apply for jobs. I may have a psychometric test next week.

I still have a few resumes unwritten. I don't have time to write it.

My close friend is getting married on Sept 14. I am her in jie mei team.

My close pal is flying on 27 Sept. I would want to spend more time with her, but I can't.

I want to join the volunteer group with R. The orientation is on 27th.

Yes, the world please crush me. I ask for it.

...

I am fine.

I just need to let it out.

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