Heading to Pittsburgh for a sane-r New Year

I am setting off for Pittsburgh in a few hours' time.

Excited? Well..more of nervousness. As I always am before a trip.

I am nervous because of many things--this time round, I am nervous because I am taking a night bus there and a night bus back.

I bet you have heard just as back about night buses as I have. Drivers falling asleep at the wheel are among the most hazardous causes of traffic accidents.

...

I have decided to stay there for 3-4 days.

Initially, I wanted to fulfill my call of duty and be back by 1st Jan when I realized I would be quite foolish to do that.

Come on! What good will it do me?

I am most likely to be clearing dishes, and fighting for the bathroom to shower.

I think I deserve a better New Year than that.

And I kind of believe in that I deserve that good a beginning to my year, as I deserve that good a day every day of my life.

It is hard to believe in it all the time. But the bottom line is, you have to start to believe in it.

And know that you stand by this belief no matter what.

...

I wasn't happy when the kid said

"the salad is turning a little ripe. You should eat it."

Huh?

"what do you mean by ripe?"

...um, stale?"

Oki...

"and if it is ripe, why should I eat it? Why are we not tossing it out?"

I don't know, but it baffles me as to where she gets this sense of superiority from.

Because I am employed in the household, does it mean I have to take stale food?

Come on...I already am not complaining when you don't buy me the grapes and strawberries and fresh Collard greens as requested on the shopping list.

Nor did I complain when I have to fork out money from my own pocket to buy fish.

And I thought you should be paying for all my food and my lodging?

...

I am sorry to whine again.

Like I confessed to many of you, this is my sanity base.

I write because I am upset, because I am irritated, because I am frustrated, because I feel bullied.

But then again, while it is not the best scenario that I can anticipate, I still am thankful for being here.

And I give thanks with a grateful heart.

See you next week! Have a Happy Blessed year ahead.

God bless.

Everyday is a gift from God--Sometimes I just forgot

I was feeling really sick just now.

So sick I had to take a nap because I could feel the bout of flu coming.

Maybe I got it because it is winter.

Or maybe I got it because yesterday, E got it and he was away from the party as a result.

Whatever it is, I had to make sure I don't come down with it.

Because I wanted to be in the best condition to go meet my friends this weekend.

I am going to Pittsburg.

...

Waiting is painful.

Waiting for anything.

Waiting and hoping that what you are waiting for is worthy is especially hard. Because you just may not have it end up the way you want it to be.

I am due to go on rematch already...but I have heard that because of the very fact that it is the Christmas-New year season, nobody is actually looking for anyone. And so I am just in limbo.

Again.

Yesterday, I had to help out in some massive cleaning up. (Please speculate why I italicise the words)

And when I was done with the dishes and cleaning the tables and packing and all, I saw that she has changed into her night dress already.

That got me quite fed-up.

Never mind that. I could still bear with it.

But I had to be fighting with the two kids over the use of the bathroom to shower.

You know, I never really had issues with the three of us sharing a bathroom. What I cannot fathom is...

The bathroom in your room is available...and I have been helping out to clean up. Now, I have to wait for an hour because your precious kids take forever to shower.

But wait, I think it is my fault. It is my fault I didn't usher them into the shower earlier.

And it is my fault for being so busy-body.

I mean, technically, I am only responsible for the kids. Why should I stick my foot into helping to clean up?

I get nowhere.

I get so tired. And then I get frustrated, because I can't shower.

Frankly, I am so stupid, right?

...

I had a conversation with J today.

He expressed concern about my plight and coaxed me to go home.

Like the many others who are reading this blog.

The truth is, somehow along the way, I also kind of forgot why I am still here.

Like J so blatantly and accurately pointed out, why am I engrossed in something that I have major grievances about?

I am not enjoying it. I am crying pretty much every other five days (or maybe less. Trust me).

So...

why am I still here?

...

...

D talked to me yesterday.

I was sitting by the fireplace and we started talking.

She said many things.

"...it is very important that you learn many things now while you are still young..."

You know, I never liked her.

I never liked her because I feel she is trying--always trying--too hard to please everybody.

But yesterday, I kind of understood why she has to try so hard.

Because nobody ever gets pleased.

And by that conversation alone, I turned my ill-feelings towards her a complete revolution.

"...acquire as many skills as you can when you have time...because you never know when your life will change..."

Which is true for anyone, isn't it?

But if her sense does mean something,

then really, why am I still doing here?

What is in this that is holding me here?

...

I haven't figured out yet.

I will continue to think about it.

But in the meantime, I will live and remember with faith that,

Everyday is a gift from God.

And like what R just said,

Don't waste the journey.

While the roads may all seem wrong and feel weird, I just have to keep remembering to keep walking and keep believing that...

They are there to help me learn.

The situations may not be pleasant, but I will learn.

And I will become a stronger person.

Don't worry about me, everybody. I will be fine.

...

I will probably sleep a little earlier and hope that the flu virus doesn't seek me out in the end.

Thank God for holidays (although the idea of spending a whole day with the kids is a bit...)

I get to wake up late too!

merry merry Christmas

The Christmas wasn't white as it was thought to be.

There was no snow. There wasn't even rain.

There was just the daylight dawning at 7am as the shortest day in winter (by the way, I didn't say that it was the start of winter; the weather station did) passed.

Yay!

The children woke up super early today just to check out what Santa has bought them.

Well, I have to say that Santa is pretty generous.

He bought them many gifts, including a Table Hockey Set.

Yes. Can you imagine how much weight the reindeer have to bear?

...

All in all, it was an ok day.

Not in terms of the spending of the day itself, but in terms of the day itself.

It is Christmas.

A day to celebrate the coming of Christ.

I attended midnight mass at the Church last night and while I dozed off a couple of times, I must say I did pretty well.

(although I didn't quite catch the homily because the priest was speaking amidst music and it was really disruptive)

The thing is, Christmas is a time for us to rejoice as Christians.

It is not about presents, at least not for me.

(And I don't mean to be rude, but I really didn't like the presents that were given to me. I got a red sweatshirt, two shirts, a headband, and a bag. What is it about shirts???? The truth is, I would have been happier had I received a mere $10 giftcard...)

(But the thing is, the giver will always be expecting a big smile and a huge THANK YOU so that is what I did...)

Because it is not about presents and partying, so being here accentuates the whole emptiness.

I find it so phony because here she was saying "Christmas is so tacky..." on one hand, and on the other hand, she was playing an active role in promoting its tackiness.

*shake head*

And today, I was enjoying myself so much talking to the adults I was kind of sure I will really want to go home if the next match doesn't work out.

(Note, I am here to look after kids and I have no rest days during 'holidays' so I should still be keeping the kids' company...but I find them too boring!)

So it suddenly dawned onto me,

maybe I don't really like kids after all?

I don't know.

Or it may just be,

I don't mind working with kids, but I can't LIVE with them.

I really don't know.

Whatever it is, I enjoyed myself because I realize I did the right thing by telling them about my decision before Christmas.

It is a peaceful Christmas.

And it will stay that way.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

The slowing clock

Tomorrow is the shortest day in winter.

And technically, is hence marked the official day when winter begins.

Although it really isn't right.

Winter has been in season for a while. I mean, I have been wearing my down coat since September?

For a long time, I thought.

I was startled that it is December only/already, and that very soon it will be the New Year.

2008.

It is funny because I have been counting down all this while. Since the first month I was here.

And I know I consciously make a note that it is the 20th already.

But you know what...

As I looked at my family picture (with me in my Masters graduation gown) and stared into space, I can't help but feel that...

It was only July when I graduated. Why does it seem so long ago?

I have only been away for four months. Why does it feel like a long time?

It is like...I have been here forever.

Forever. Oh my God. Will I ever be out of here?

...

We had our last talk last night.

It was supposed to have been held on Wednesday night, but remember I said the dad was in a super bad mood over the cat litter.

Anyhow, we had our talk.

Until this point in time, he was still insistent that he was willing to lend support for any punishment I deem necessary.

He was still *telling* me how I should approach the kid.

Come on...

If only you can pay less lip service.

If only you can NATO (no action, talk only) less.

Maybe things can work out better.

...

I still have my doubts.

Sometimes I think a little humiliation is nothing.

Sometimes I think respect is a big thing.

When will I ever be consistent? I am such a weakling, ain't I?

But every time a situation arise and I witness how they act as if they are the center of the world, and disregard the needs of others, my decision is reaffirmed.

...

Many friends ask me why I still want to be rematched when I am so disillusioned by the program.

The truth is, I don't know.

I guess, it is the belief and hope that God will bring me some thing better and more worthwhile
(although I cannot discount that maybe God may be planning for me to go home and that may be the best thing. After all, what beats being surrounded by loved ones and family).

I am hoping for a place closer to town.

I am hoping for a more flexible schedule.

I am hoping for the same hospitability, minus the snobbiness, minus the emptiness.

I am hoping for mutual respect and total acceptance.

I don't know if such a combination ever exists--it does sound too incredulous--but I will continue to hope.

And trust me, if I can't find it, I will leave.

Although I wouldn't say without some regrets.

But like what Bing aptly said,

if made to choose one that I won't regret in years to come, it has to be leaving for home.

Instead of staying here and feeling that time is merely a crawl.

And no, while I am not perfect

The sun has been shining bright these days.

The way I see it, the storm is over. In my heart, at least.

I still wonder about it. Like last night, when I got home and the host-dad was complaining about the older kid (too) with her laziness to help out with the cat litter, I was thinking maybe I shouldn't add to their existing issues.

Then this morning, when I heard that one of the cars was giving some problems too, I thought maybe I should really bear with it and tide it with them.

Um...

But no la. I won't.

I think that is the problem with me. I think too little of my worth.

I shouldn't go around thinking that I don't matter. I do.

I have to learn that I do matter. My thoughts matter. My opinion counts. I am a human being who deserves to be respected as much as any one else.

...

The counselor did call last night.

I told her that I have been crying too much about the problem and that I don't want to be crying for the rest of my stay here.

I am glad that looking for respect is a legitimate thing to her.

...

The way I see it, a family-au pair match is really like a relationship.

I told Peggy last night that I probably won't be able to finish my RCIA journey here.

I told her I am very sad by this decision but I really feel that it is something I need to do.

And she said,

"God wants you to be challenged but He does not want you to be miserable".

I am glad she understood.

And really, like she said,

Sometimes we just have to go away to make things better.

I hung on and on and on trying to believe things will change.

But some things are inherent.

It is like..you date a wealthy guy. He has a sportscar collection at home. He lives in a big bungalow in Bukit Timah. He brings you to the high-end restaurants and takes you on extravagant vacations where you get to stay in a luxurious suite.

You get pampered like a queen when you are with him, and I bet you will be happy if that is the kind of relationship you look for.

But let's face it. You will probably have to deal with the fact that he may be a big flirt and that you are not the only one he lavishes his love on.

And you can deal with it if comfort and luxury is your priority for a date.

You can't if companionship is your criterion.

So I hope I don't give anyone the impression my host parents are not nice. They are nice. Even my counselor agrees.

And I would say they are warm and hospitable. My host mum loves throwing parties. She buys gifts for people's children on their birthdays. Her home is the most popular during Halloween because she gives away big candy bars.

It is just a pity that we don't match.

I can't say exactly why. I would just say...I am just sick of having to wash everyone's dishes left conveniently over the weekends.

I am sick of assuming the responsibility of feeding the cat medicine when initially I undertook it to partake in your responsibility.

And this time round, I won't even bother to offer to help you scoop the cats' litter.

Because I know, somehow, it will conveniently become my job.

Let's face it. Talk about busy-ness. Who isn't busy?

If you weren't busy, you wouldn't need an au pair.

At the end of the day, maybe a more appropriate question would be:

Who isn't lazy?

All I can think of is home.

I can't help but break down.

Last night, we were struggling with negotiation issues. I could actually feel my blood boil and my blood pressure rising. This morning, the young one refused to wake up and another tug-of-war had ensued.

The parent telling me about the table when it is already ridiculous to me for my definition of 'light housework'.

Seriously, when will life get better?

...

I thought calling another counselor may help a bit. I needed a professional judgement on the whole issue.

She asked me to call my counselor and told me she would call my counselor that very minute (I think she told me off).

I win already, right?

Then I called my counselor.

"I am not available right now. Can I call you back tonight when I get home?"

I thought I was her job.

I guess not.

That very minute, it was just sheer exasperation.

Everything was crashing down. And I was stuffed.

Breathless.

...

I have cried a few times but I haven't sobbed as much.

But don't get me wrong--I am just saying most of the times I cry. I also sob, just not as much.

I think this is probably the seventh time.

Seven times in 4 months. Let's see: Frequency of sobbing is about 2X every month?

And I cry more often than I sob.

Maybe that is me. A whiner. A whimper.

Afraid to stand up for myself.

Afraid to make a big fuss.

Thinking that my situation is normal.

Anyway, the very thought then was to go home right away.

It was never in my nature to prove anything. So really, wanting me to prove to the older kid I deserve her respect is really unbearable.

I didn't come here to prove anything. Instead, I came here to be a big sister.

I didn't come here to engage in a power struggle with the kids. I came here prepared to teach them the keyboard.

I didn't come here for them to have them pick and choose the food I cook each night. I came here hoping they will like Chinese food (I have folders of recipe).

I didn't come here to cry. I came here to do dance in my free time.

I didn't come here to whine. I came here to do yoga.

I didn't come here to feel miserable.

But why am I feeling so miserable that I actually want to go home?

Amidst my intense sobbing, my phone rang. It was an unfamiliar number.

She said she was my local rep. I was stunned. Really?

I don't know--I was just sobbing so hard I couldn't talk properly. R had told me to go take a breather. He said I wasn't calm enough to make wise decisions.

What is a wise decision?

When is a decision wise?

The one that makes the most capital gain, but makes me miserable? Or the one which gives me peace of mind but is not as profitable?

...

From the very beginning, I was in this family for the wrong reasons.

Yes, I know you are thinking--what is the point of saying that now?

I am not making a point. I am just explaining to you why I am miserable, and why I strongly feel that I need to go.

I said the house was empty and that I was becoming like the house.

And it is true.

If I may be frank, I came here to run away from my famiily--if you hadn't known.

There were two routes. I took the so-called easier one.

I came here knowing that this journey will endear me to my parents. It did. It really did.

And now, I end up feeling miserable because my parents are both so worried about my situation.

And as I was saying, I attached myself to this family for the very economical reasons.

Talk about being calculative. Ha.

Because they live in New York and I want to learn dance here.

Because the two kids go to school during the day and I have free time which I can go take class.

Because they provide a free mobile phone line and I didn't need to fill up the petrol when it is empty.

Because they take me on vacations to exotic places and I want to travel.

Because the previous au pair kept telling me these and I was overwhelmed with these material gains in my being.

Never mind the fact that I felt disrespected when they went ahead and decided when I should be here without consulting me.

Never mind the fact that I strongly feel uneasy about it (and I persuaded myself to believe that that is how Americans work).

And at the end...

Talk about plans.

Talk about respect.

The residence is so far from New York that it takes me two hours just to get to where I want to go.

The kids go to school in the day but going into the city is too expensive.

I don't drive so much so the petrol is just minimal.

I don't like talking on the phone so much so what is the big deal about a mobile phone?

A vacation to an exotic place will only become a nightmare when you are traveling with kids (as I found out from my experience in Hersheys: when they go missing, the first person accountable is me.)

I didn't know any details regarding the trip to Hersheys--yes, maybe I didn't ask.

I didn't know about plans to do additional baby-sitting--yes, I didn't ask, but how would I know when it is my day off?

I didn't know if we were going out for dinner--yes, I didn't ask but how would I know if you guys are expecting me to come along?

But I am still thankful though:

Amidst this hardship and difficulty, I found two things. And I rediscovered the very essence of my being.

I found my love for my family back.

And I found God.

And I know many care. Many who worry and stand by me amidst the ocean (I think it is the Indian Ocean) and the time zone, and yes, the difference in seasons.

...

As D appropriately puts it, this could be a dysfunctional family.

It was interesting because a day after he pointed out, A, my friend from the bus stop told me the same thing.

The little one would always go around hugging people and telling people "I love you".

But from that tone and attitude, you can tell either she doesn't mean it, or she has no idea what it means and all she hopes is your reciprocated response.

I don't think a kid should go around hugging people.

And A said, the whole family lacked affection.

Maybe that was the missing link.

The emptiness. The lack of love. The lack of affection.

The belief that everything is a money transaction. The notion of using money to get around everything.

And there I was. Here with the exact same mindset.

And maybe that was why the previous au pair loved this family so much. Because all these transactions are the very real issue of life.

Talk about being calculative.

...

I will be talking to the family tonight.

It was a highly debatable decision. Will talking to them harm me in any way?

But if I keep putting off, I feel more miserable!

I have religious class. After that, I will have a talk with them. With the intention of a mutual decision to go for rematch.

Because if the decision is mutual, it is easier to get my counselor to work.

My local rep will be speaking to the UK office.

She told me to be prepared to go home though, because of my driving issues.

Hhhmm...You know what. It doesn't matter. I really don't care.

At the end of the day,

this all being on being economical is killing me.

I cannot live another day like this. I cannot walk away from the essence of my soul.

Talk about going home.

Yes, responsibilities are plenty and daunting, but therein I know love is abound.

If I were a plant...

I thrive on love.

I cannot thrive like this: persuading myself to stay for the very reason of staying and finishing my goals.

I thrive on happiness.

I cannot live another day knowing that I have missed the very point of being here--to dance and feel happy.

Last but not least, I cannot live another day of lie. Of pretending that I love your children when deep down inside, I find them obnoxious.

Of course, all my emotions are debatable.

But then, I am emotional. Let me stay that way.

That is why you love me, right?

*hugs*

The straw(s) that keep breaking the camel's back

"(My name), once in a while, you need to clear the table and wipe it.


It can get very....I did a thorough job last night.


And sometimes, you have to wash the toasters. Not every day though but yes...I notice that it can be quite dirty."


For the first time, I replied (and I think he was quite startled that I retorted. Most of the time, I just said ok..) "I DO CLEAN IT ONCE IN A WHILE."


Yes, with the caps, which translates into a "I am pissed" expression.


If he really did a so-called thorough job, I am not sure why I still see the stain on the table?


Maybe I cock-eye...well, that is why I have glasses.



Like I said, if you can only practise half of what you preach, I will shut up.


Anyhow, today, he was nice enough to put away his own dishes.


The don't-know-how-many-time. Say maybe 3rd time? Since I have been here?
Why bring this up? Because even my friend from Washington said I was stupid to do their dishes.



And the most ironic thing is,



The previous au pair said I was being too calculative.



Huh?



Even for her, it was everyone putting the dishes away! It wasn't me solely. Alone!



And she said I was calculative?!



My friend from Washington: "I really cannot understand how someone from (my country) will come here and put up with all this!"



Come on!


And I didn't dare to tell her...


that is why there were only two of us from my country who ever participated in this program .


And the truth is, I won't recommend any of my friends to join this. Really.

I took these pictures because I was really fed-up.

Imagine having to clear them every single Sat and Sun?

Well, I am calculative.

...

You know, I am very touched by the many who msn-ed me last night.

Thank you.

Thank you for helping me remember why I am me.

...

The truth is, I am not sure how many details I have withheld in the confrontation on Sunday.

And if you were to ask me, what exactly was it that irked me?

I don't know.

Just like there were many unfortunate car incidents tat I encountered, and one that broke their backs, there were many instances.

But of course, I guess the ultimate was during the confrontation on Sunday, when the mum said regarding discipline and shower "Do whatever you can. Take away the TV, the computer, whatever".

Read my earlier entry. She also said "I cannot stand it (her kid's disrepect to me)".

Huh?

And it finally hit me hard. Very hard.

There was never any support with regard to discipline. There never will be.

She was as annoyed as I am but she thinks I have to stand up for myself.

But yet again, I was said (I am not sure if I shared this though) to be too firm and that I have too many rules--the kids cannot cope.

Why am I doing the parenting job? When you guys have clearly not entrusted me with that?

...

Maybe, she wasn't that ready to be a mum after all.

Maybe, that is why the house feels so empty. Because underneath all those toys and fake affection, there never was any love.

Why should there be love?

The truth is, if you think about it, nobody under this roof is related to anyone at all.

Maybe, maybe that is what makes it so hard.

I don't know. And I don't want to find out.

Empty house. Empty room. Empty soul. Empty me.

You may just catch me in town.

That is not my twin. I have no twin.

Say a hi. Give me a hug. Tell me you miss me.

...

I know it is hard to understand.

One moment I say I will stay. Another moment, I say all this about catching me around. Just what do I mean?

And I am not Chris Angel. I don't do teleport.

...

At the bottom most of our selves, therein lies a voice.

I am sure you know what I mean. Sometimes, it speaks. Sometimes, it is silent.

That speech, is a perfectly random event.

But it is a powerful voice.

I see you nodding your head. You know just what I mean, right?

The thing is, I was not at peace with myself about that decision to stay put here and wait.

What was I waiting for? For others to decide if I am fit to stay or leave?

To leave myself at the mercy of others, when I already knew deep down inside how I truly really felt.

Why did I do that?

...

I don't know if you like cakes. I kind of like them (well, I know, I don't eat cakes very often and you are probably bewildered at my comment) because they taste good.

Of course, by that I mean cakes of a flavour that you fancy. Not those which you hate to begin with.

But imagine you like cakes, and there is a cake in front of you, of a flavour you really don't fancy but with your favourite icing.

What do you do?

...

The thing is, I hadn't murdered your children. Not even close.

I hadn't stolen an antique or written a cheque under your name and cash it.

I don't deserve that look you give me.

You are concerned about my driving. You have a right to be.

But you don't have a right to treat me with contempt.

So, with the uneasiness with the decision of waiting in stupor, I decided to confront the parents at the suggestion of R.

I talked to them yesterday and I told them how I felt.

Why the suspicion? Why this lack of trust?

I am willing to go off if that is the case.

They said that they like me and that I was doing a good job so far. They were not looking at a rematch at all.

With that, I was thinking to myself...yay! Maybe everything may just work out.

Maybe.

Although when she said "...please get them showered before I come home", I froze in my seat.

And when she said, "...the driving aside, it is just the issues with L. I see how she treats you with disrespect. I cannot stand it."

Note what I italized.

I didn't think anything about it then. I just settled on the belief that I was going to stick it through. No matter what.

But...

for some reason, I felt uneasy. I don't know why.

And so for the whole day, I just tried to counter this dis-ease.

What was the problem?

What, what, what?

It was just frustration. A great deal of it.

Something about it was not right.

What, I don't know. But some thing. Some thing.

I went shopping. Usually, that would quench it.

It didn't work.

I went to the bookshop. For the second time in my four months stay.

And by chance (to be honest, I don't think it is by chance) I came across this book "The mind battlefield" and started flipping it.

By chance I browsed this chapter about Confusion and Anxiety and I zoomed in because it seemed to be the thing I needed!

And I read on and on and on.

Something about a God-imposed thought being recurrent.

Flip flip.

Something about going to a quiet place in search of the answers in times of confusion.

Flip flip.

Something about not worrying about the life right now.

Flip flip.

Nothing clicked. Nothing.

I was still frustrated. But I didn't know why.

I went to church, hoping that it will help.

It didn't.

It made me feel a little joyful (because that was the message for the Third week of Advent) but still, it didn't quench the uneasiness inside me.

And I went home.

Frustrated.

Fed up.

All this while, I was thinking to myself, I will wait till next weekend to drive and at the same time, give myself this one week to persuade L to hit the shower earlier.

...

And I came home.

My room was all dark. I hadn't switched on the lights yet.

And for the first time, I took a look around.

There are many 'labels' all over my desk My goals for the year. Little inspirational messages to motivate myself.

There are many books. Spanish, English, Chinese.

There is a picture of me and my boyfriend. Another picture of me and my family.

The floor is clear, except for that bag sitting beside the wastepaper basket.

But there was something about the room...

Something that didn't feel right.

It felt empty.

(and yes, because I was standing at the door and there was nobody inside, it is empty.)

Note, I said, it felt empty.

It isn't empty (I have to emphasize this, because R couldn't understand how it could be empty when there is furniture in it). There are stuff in the room. TV. Bed. Chairs...etc

But it felt empty.

The room was like the house.

Empty.

Even though I have been living in it for nearly 4 months.

...

I am not sure if you remember...I once commented that the house, amidst its grand outlook, lacks something (Oct 12th).

I hadn't been able to find the right word then. I just said it lacked something.

What, I don't know. Just something.

The last time I described to R, I said it felt empty.

And that it was. The house is empty.

There are people. But it is just emptiness.

Empty people. Empty lives.

Empty souls in empty rooms.

And I was becoming like that.

That instance, I had my answer.

I knew why I felt so unsettled.

I knew why I wasn't comfortable with persistng on.

I knew what I had to do. It jumped out.

...

I had written to the local representative about my situation.

I didn't say the whole story but I said most of it.

And in case you were wondering what was going through my head when I made my decision to leave,

it was just a simple understanding that:

I didn't come here to be humilitated. Or lose my dignity. Or subjected to the way that I have been for the past four months.

I am an individual with dignity. I deserve respect. I had fought hard for it.

"She doesn't show you any respect. I can't stand it. Can you live with it?"

No.

And the fact that you could show me contempt when I have done nothing wrong...

I can only shake my head in dismay.

Enough is enough.

It is not about compromising my many aspirations for respect.

I compromise because I am a fellow human being. I just cannot appreciate the parenting culture here.

Yes, I will probably head home empty-handed.

I still have to pay for my air ticket.

But the thing is, I saw so much. I learnt a big lesson.

And really, that is enough.

Really enough.

...

Right now, I have started packing my stuff.

Will I get another family? I don't know.

I don't rule that idea out, but I am quite prepared to head for home ground.

The thing is, this whole matching process is like a relationship.

At least my previous one.

For fear of loneliness I had endured. For a long time.

But when I finally decided that I will let go, nothing else matters anymore.

I am with a guy I had hoped for, and whom I can't ask for more.

That is a bonus, because I know my expectations were higher that time round.

The same with now.

I know what I am looking for...and I dare say, the chances of matching with one that fits are nearly nil.

It doesn't matter.

Not anymore.

...

There is always something that truly matters.

At the end of the day, I choose to heed that call.

Before I become an empty soul.

My decision

I thought about the issue all day yesterday.

The last we 'met', she was still treating me coldly. Weirdly.

It is very uncomfortable.

My (real) mum told me to leave. She also feels that it is not worth it.

All this humbling experience. All these nonsense I have to stomach.

All this unhappiness I face every single day staring at me in the face.

All this counting down to the day that I get to leave.

But you know what...I have decided that I cannot change the fact that she doesn't want to be honest with her true feelings. Until they decide otherwise, I will stick to my own decision.

I will stay.

Why?

For the simple reason. I am here to do something and while I have achieved half of it, half remains to be done.

The ball is not in my court, so it makes no sense to chase it or fret or even anticipate.

I will hit it when it comes over to my side.

The message of Advent stands clear in my head this morning: Leave it all to God.

Everything good will turn out the best way in the end.

I came here led by Him. I will go where He leads me.

It is difficult, because I am groping in the dark. I can't see any light.

But I do believe that therein darkness lies a test of faith.

And I will take that test.

If the family wants me to go (think about it: they have a history of saying one thing and meaning another--remember my fall to booking of my air ticket--so I won't be surprised if they suddenly decide tomorrow that they want to rematch with another au pair), then I will go. Else, I will hang on until March then decide.

March, because 1) I will get baptised then 2) I have enough time to finish up on my chiro-therapy.

I wasn't a keen believer in this stand until R reminded me that there was no need to get sentimental.

From the beginning, there were no emotions involved on their part. It was just me trying to get close and attached.

I was always the one who tried to bring love in, only to be let down in the end.

So what is the point of getting sentimental?

From the beginning, it was meant to be a business transaction. They pay me so much to do these; I have never done anything less. In fact, I do more.

So well, the sad but true facts hold.

The truth always hurts, doesn't it?

If they ask me to leave, I am glad--because their kids are monsters in disguise.

If they ask me to stay, I am glad--because I get to finish up properly the things I have started.

If I am asked to leave, I am happy--for all I know, it may be the beginning of another good adventure.

If I am asked to stay, I am fine too--I don't have to readjust to people and schedules and everything all over again.

Whatever it is, it doesn't matter.

At the end of the day, the ticket to home is but a click away.

A bit on the costly side but I am sure friends will chip in for it in kind, right?

*winks at you who is reading my blog*

And I thank Shufen for this song, to continually remind me that no mountains are ever too high and no valleys are ever too deep, as long as we cast our doubt onto Him and believe.

That all things will always turn out good in the end.

Shepherd of my soul (Martin Nystrom)

Shepard of my soul,
I give you full control wherever you may lead,
I will follow
I have made the choice to listen to your voice
wherever you may lead, I will go.
Be it in a quiet pasture, or by a gentle stream
The shephard of my soul is by my side
Should I face a mighty mountain, or a valley dark and deep
The Shephard of my soul will be my guide.

Maybe this is the point where everything settles down.

I stand by the belief that some things cannot be forced.

That, often, the many things we think we have control over are just hoaxes.

A sense of false belief that we have control.

When actually we don't.

...

I may be going home, really.

Happy? Sad? Hhmmm...a bit of both, I would say.

Anyhows, I am not sure if I wrote about this yesterday.

I was pretty sure there was something about me which was disturbing the mum. I just didn't say it.

I am sensitive to people's nuances. Call it a gift or a curse.

Which is why I know when something is not right with a person. Something is either bothering them, or they are preoccupied with a problem.

Sometimes, I am the problem.

Like I say, I can tell. The same way I can tell if you had stayed up too late the night before (well, I wouldn't be able to pinpoint what though).

And so I was kind of expecting this conversation.

She sat me over and said the exact same things the dad had said.

That they are concerned. Over my driving.

And I said the same thing. I know you are concerned, because you have a right to be. I would be, too!

She went on to say...

I am not sure how to say it...

I told her to just be upfront. I mean, I already know what was coming; I just needed her to be personal and forthcoming about it.

So she said,

I am not sure if you would be more comfortable with a family which requires less driving.

I said I was prepared to go home. And she looked shocked.

(In retrospect, I am glad she didn't realize I meant an inference that I have had enough of being an au pair...because her children are really quite a mess to deal with..*oops*)

But you are such a good au pair! For all you know, you may end up in a place with warmer weather!

Um, exactly how much they mean it, I don't know. I only know I loathe the way they approach the issue.

Why do they toss the ball into my court when I am the one running into trouble and they are the one getting the worse side of the deal?

By the way, they have had a history of getting rematches. I don't think that should be a big deterrence, should it?

Each party has 3 strikes of matching. Once you exhaust them, you are out. But for the host, the game restarts everytime they get a brand new match.

I am a brand new match. So really...hhmmm?

I told her,

Let's phrase it this way. If you feel that you prefer someone more versed in driving, please ask for a rematch.

I kept emphasizing my point throughout the conversation.

I told her, just like you told me on the couch that one time, please don't feel that you are offending me by getting a rematch.

And in case you wonder why I kept emphasizing that, well, it is simply because I knew from her facial expression and body language she is not comfortable with the strategy her husband and she have suggested.

The host dad will sit in with me when I drive.

Exactly when, I don't know. He always have too little time to do anything so I cross my fingers.

The next time we meet, it will be in Jan. And they will decide.

I find it all so funny. Really.

The thing is, if you are not comfortable with it, just take the solution that gives you a peace of mind. Why do you want to seek compromise?

...

On hindsight, I am not sure if that was my instinctive unconscious trying to get out of the family.

Maybe it is.

I see the bar of soap broken into small pieces and clogging the bathtub. I see the old kid with her repulsive stomach and face. I see the little kid's unreasonable and unfathomable tantrums.

And I hate it.

Or maybe I just cannot part with the many things that look set for fruition.

But as I am typing now, I am beginning to really think that...

Just leave everything to the hands of God.

I am sure some of you don't believe in that context. For that, just stick to a reference of your belief, be it fate, destiny...whatever that suits you best.

For me, that is especially important because just last night, we had an Advent Reflection.

Expect the unexpected.

What an irony you say? Yes, irony it is.

If it is unexpected, how can you expect it?

...Then, don't.

Don't expect anything.

Because everything will turn out good in the end.

Maybe not in the best way we thought it could be, or should be, but it is definitely the best way it can be.

And I am just happy knowing that.

Be it going home, or staying here. I can't change that.

All I hope is that I have a big heart to accomodate all the emotions.

The thing is, face it--I don't like driving, and I am in a place when automobiles reign supreme.

It may be the best place to 'practise' driving...but that aside...

If leading a life here as an au pair is so demeaning and dignity-ruining,

maybe packing my bag is really not a bad idea.

After all, I have had my fun. It was enough.

All in a day's work

If you have been intensively following my entries, you would know that I was due for the police station last night.

Yes, can you imagine it--me a law-abiding citizen ending up in a police station?

And it is really like one of those scenes in the Hong Kong drama. A police officer dressed in plain clothes coming out and asking if you are (...your name...) and then leading you behind doors closed to the public.

What happens next???

...

I lost my temper at the young one today.

It was just too much.

I issued her another ultimadeum, and I told her with the coldest and sternest tone:

"THIS IS THE LAST TIME I AM TELLING YOU THIS"

"YOU DO NOT SCREAM MY NAME. YOU DO NOT COMMAND ME TO DO ANYTHING"

"YOU DO NOT WAIL MY NAME. I WILL NOT RESPOND"

"IT IS NOT MY RESPONSIBILITY TO GET DRESSED. I ALREADY TOLD YOU BEFORE, YOU CAN GO TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PYJAMAS IF YOU LIKE"

"DO NOT THROW YOUR TANTRUMS AS YOU WOULD WITH YOUR PARENTS."

"IF YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE ENOUGH TO GET READY FOR SCHOOL, IT IS NOT MY PROBLEM. WE WILL JUST WALK TO SCHOOL. I DON"T CARE IF IT RAINS OR IT SNOWS"

Silence.

She just looked at me in silence.

This outburst is long overdue. I have been having difficulties with her since last Monday. It has been 10 days!

I mean, I know that taking care of other people's kids wasn't going to be easy. Grumble as I may in this blog, I try my best.

I appease the little ones...because the parents expect me to. Because I don't want to engage in any struggle. Because I realize we are culturally different.

Because they are after all, children (although frankly, I would hope that in future, I wouldn't do the same to my own children).

...

The police guy led me into the enclosure of many desks and asked me for my side of the story.

Do you know why you are here?

>>Um, apparently, for leaving the scene of an accident?

What do you mean by 'apparently'?

>>Um, I am sorry. I mean..for leaving...

Yes, I understand what you mean.

So he was in effect a nice guy. At least he knew what I meant!

And as I would have told anyone who asked--

I was reversing--there was a guy behind me waiting impatiently--I made a misjudgement and hit the car--I moved up--and no, I didn't get down immediately--and that was because there was a car reversing out--I drove around but the eye-witness probably presumed I drove away--I checked the car--it was minimal damage (and yes, the police guy was like, yeah, if we had seen this, no, we wouldn't have needed to give you a ticket)--the kid was late so I drove off--but I did return to the scene--I went back with my contact details but the car wasn't there anymore--I am sorry I missed the car.

He explained the whole issue to me.

Hitting something and running away is a crime.

Um, oki.

He said, under such circumstances, I should have called the police and not left.

Um, oki.

He explained that he wouldn't have had to give me a ticket had I called them straight away.

Um, oki.

I did learn the lesson.

I mean, I was prepared to pay a lot of money (I hadn't the least idea how much it would cost but my host dad had said that this was a severe offence).

I was prepared to go home already. Home, as in home. Not the place I live in right now, but home.

Anyhow, what he finally told me was music to my ears.

I am not going to give you a ticket.

Huh?

He repeated.

I went "huh" again. This time, with a stunned look on my face.

And he repeated again.

So I was even more horrified.

>>Does that mean you are going to give me more charges?

I mean, that sounded like the only possible way that could have saved me from a ticket. And if that were really the case, I can only shake my head in dismay!

And he said that wasn't the case too.

The fact that I went back to the scene means that I wasn't a criminal.

Of course, frankly, if he had been more particular, he could have dismissed it as a mere excuse.

But then the thing is, I really did go back...because that day I was cooking meatloaf, and my meatloaf ended up charred because of the time delay.

That day, I also picked up the kid late from her dance class because I was looking for the car at the carpark.

...

Like I say, grumble as I may, I do my best still.

I keep telling myself to be open to the new experiences, and that I would need to forget the old so that the new can live.

I am not sure though if I find that difficult because my expectations are too high, or that my experience is just too unbearable.

The truth is, sometimes, I do feel that my rightful dignity is all gone.

Am I exaggerating? I don't know. I guess subjectively, it is difficult to judge emotions like that, isn't it?

Whatever it is, I continue to be thankful.

How else would I learn to handle difficult children?

When else will I get to be interrogated in a police station?

Life may not be great, but it is the best it can be right now.

And I am glad about that.

Not so sure what to say...

My host dad just camed up to my room and said that the police just called.

Huh?

Yeah, that was my response too.

I was trying very hard to recall when I had committed an offence.

I couldn't recall any.

And well, to my surprise, it was the time I hit a car at the place where I was supposed to pick up a kid.

*Sigh*

I am due to be down tomorrow to receive a ticket.

And whatever else that can ensue, I am not exactly sure.

I guess you can just say I am a little stunned about the series of events.

What are they charging me with?

Apparently, with illegally leaving the scene of an accident.

...

I am not sure if I told you but I went back to look for the car with the note in my hand.

Argh. It doesn't matter.

And the thing is, I did get down to take a look at the car.

How else would I know that my car wasn't damaged?

Eye-witnesses are claiming otherwise.

Ok lo.

Haiz. Like I say, in the end, what happened is not important.

I left the scene and that is it.

....

I just feel super yucky.

My host dad also talked to me and said he was concerned about my driving.

I think he should be. I would be if I were him, too.

The automobile plays such an important role in their everyday life!

I just feel yucky that this happened.

It makes me more homesick.

Argh.

....

I am supposed to be in good spirits right now.

I have just returned from a trip tp Hersheys.

How was it? Not bad.

The trip per se wasn't bad. I got to experience how frustrating a road trip is. I got to see Hersheys and imagine how Charlie must have felt when he toured the Chocolate Factory (haha..sorry. I was just trying to be lame). And not to mention the fact that I got to experience staying and putting up with the girls' tantrums was...a revealing experience.

So much so that I came to the conclusion I really just want to go home when my term is up.

But whatever it is, it is not something I should comment on right now.

Who knows? My offence may be so bad that they decide to revoke my driving permit and I would have to go home anyway.

Does that bother me?

Um...I think previously it would. I would have done anything to stay behind.

Now? Eh, not so much.

Just as much as I would hope to stay for 1)baptism 2)chiro-therapy 3) spanish, I do want to go home.

I know many of you find it baffling. Do I actually miss home so much?

The truth is, yes and no.

I don't miss home so much. I just miss the fact of being me.

I miss the fact that I get my free time to do the things that I want to do.

And I miss the fact of not having to put up with ridiculous nonsense like a humbling Filipino maid from some kid who think she reigns the world.

I don't miss home for the fact that I have annoying relatives to handle during CNY but I do miss home for the very feeling of it being home.

...

It is funny how I can be so composed about my ticket.

I would have thought that I would fret so much I would be trembling in sleeplessness tonight.

And while it is true that I trembled when I first heard the news--imagine being charged!!!--it really doesn't bother me too much.

Maybe it is because I hold solace in the fact that this is but another event in my life that is meant to unfold either as part of God's plan or not.

If it were the former, it is meant to achieve something.

But even if it weren't, I have already gotten a lesson out of it.

...

I can't change the fact that I didn't leave the note and that I had left.

So all I can really do is,

cross my fingers.

And pay for the ticket.

*shrug shoulders*

The things that matter.

I don't quite enjoy blogging when I am in a rush.

Like yesterday. I meant to write something else with that entry but I forgot. Because I was short of time.

(And that also bears testimony to the fact that I am really getting very absent-minded!)

I guess I could always write it now.

...

I called E last night.

(By the way, I can call you too. Just leave me your home number--I can call land lines for free for the next 80 days? It is some online calling software)

I don't know why I suddenly felt like calling her. I just wanted to, I guess.

We chatted a bit. She told me about A's death. She thought I didn't know.

But I knew. In fact I was in grief for a while.

S had sent me a sms to my Singapore number informing me, and my brother had kindly relayed the message to me.

I also remember feeling very shocked.

Not that I hadn't anticipated it. The thing is, death happens eventually to each and every of us, does it not? It is always only a matter of time.

And whether you have lived it for that worth.

....

E said she didn't live her life to her worth.

She had died in the early morning on a Saturday. The porridge that E brought her on Thursday was her last meal.

On her deathbed, she was a collection of bones. Simply because she just couldn't take in and absorb whatever she was consuming.

Can you imagine yourself being just a collection of bones?

Can you imagine that happening to yourself?

That aside, E's consistent mentioning of the 'worth' caught me hard.

"She had a boyfriend for 20-30 years who refused to marry her"

"She was only 52. How young is that?"

...I couldn't reply her. I didn't know what to say.

"She was such a nice person. It was really not worth it."

...I don't know what she meant when she said that. I think she meant that she died too young, with possibly many regrets.

...

E went on to ask me about my plans.

I said I would be here for 9 more months at least. Then, I also don't know if I will stay here for another 6 months.

She reminded me that I should look for a *decent* job when I return. A decent job that I really like.

I smiled to myself. She is probably the millionth person to tell me the former statement. At least she went on to qualify her statement.

Just what is decent, I don't know, and I bet we each have our own justification.

But I do fully support the idea of a job that I like, or in fact love.

I told her I am contemplating an application for a teaching stint to Japan when I return.

She just said...maybe you want to think about your life in longer terms?

"Just what are you doing when you start on short-term stints like that?"

"...and since you already have a boyfriend, maybe you can consider marriage"

...

I think I used to be very obstinate.

I used to think I know everything I want in my life.

Freedom.

Freedom to do whatever you want with your life.

Freedom for pursuit of goals and hopes and aspirations.

I am a dreamer. I still am.

I guess I just realize that dreaming aside, life is really very short.

Not that I haven't actually known, I guess E's words just hit me harder than I thought it would.

At whose expense am I taking when I seek my freedom?

Life is a series of actions and reactions. It has to ripple to somewhere.

The problem is, do I see the end of the ripple?

Had I ever seen it? Or was I just ignoring it because I pretend to be oblivious?

...

I don't have an answer to E's question.

I only know...

This voyage out has led me to find many answers about myself.

Things that I have never seen or felt or realized.

And I am grateful for that.

I was reasoning out...

Days earlier, I was always wondering if I were doing my fair share of work. If living off the host family was acceptable. If not tidying up the house (the previous au pair always does it) was all right.

If the things I do were enough to make them happy.

But I realize,

Why do I bother so much about whether they are happy or not?

As long as it is my fair responsibility and I am not skiving or anything...I am already accountable to my conscience.

Why happens if they don't like me?

Possibly, stop the contract? Or get a re-match?

And if I have already performed to my expectations of my duty, then why am I worried? Why should I worry?

...

Like what M said,

I have always wanted to try this out. Now that I have tried it and given my best shot, no regrets!

And I guess that pretty much sums it up.

Live...with no regrets.

Seasonal blues, I hope

Suddenly, I am hit by another bout of homesickness yet again.

(Frankly, I don't think it should be classified as homesickness but then as we all know, human beings are always in denial.)

Why, I don't know. Maybe it is because I have too many things to do (HUH? You say?) but I am not doing any of them right now.

Nah, I really don't quite know why. Maybe it is the season.

...

It snowed on Sunday morning.

Or maybe it was Saturday night. It doesn't matter, does it? What matters is that it did snow.

I woke up to find the landscape in an array of white and more white. It was very pretty. Very pretty.

I went to church not fully aware of the perils of driving under such conditions.

And sure thing, the car skidded.

Thank God I was running late. Usually I am quite punctual and that would mean a time when the roads were busier.

So it was really a good thing I was almost late that Sunday.

The steering wheel refused to budge. The brakes gave a stuck sound (I found out later it was some anti-lock mechanism. Whatever it was, it really wasn't very useful to me). My car went out of control and I hit a pole.

Thank God it was only a lamp post! Can you imagine the fear streak up my spine?

...

I have had my fair share of mess with cars.

Just on Friday, I had hit (yes, again!) yet another car in the car park.

Why?

Bad judgement.

Kan cheong.

Actually, whatever it is, it doesn't matter. Because it doesn't change the fact that I knocked a car.

I had stopped and waited, hoping that the driver will come out and I can leave him my number.

Instead, some passer-by was staring at me (By the way, it was the same passer-by who was waiting at my back with a super-impatient look and hence got me kan cheong). I don't know, what was the action most people would do?

I did return to the parking lot with a note and my contact number. (I was rushing the kid to class then) The car didn't seem to be there anymore.

Was it my head which refused to acknowledge the car, meaning had I remembered wrongly? Or had the driver really left already???

I don't know. I was just...

at a loss of words.

...

One thing that striked me deeply is that it is so much easier to think about the unhappy stuff than the happy ones.

Like how privileged I am to be in this family who provides me with a TV, high-speed internet access and a cellphone.

Never mind the fact the room is the oldest and the coldest. Well, they have expressed approval when I asked if I could sleep in the guest room anyway.

And also how they so willingly pay for my groceries because I just don't eat the things they eat.

Never mind the fact that some stuff I really need (and I pen in the weekly shopping list) are always conveniently ignored. Never mind the fact that I am often hungry because there is nothing in the house to eat.

Don't get me wrong. I am just giving you both sides of the argument. I am just trying to show you how much I am taking this for granted when I really shouldn't.

...

We are heading for a short getaway this weekend.

It is the first time we are traveling together and I am not quite sure what to expect (especially in terms of food...*GOSH*)

Whatever it is, I do look forward to it.

Because the weather is so super cold now (it is 0 deg C now), I have postponed plans to travel. I was initially planning to go to Virginia in Jan but I really don't think I would want to do much in this freezing cold.

(See, I told you it is the season getting me down.)

Keep a look-out in my photo albums for pictures! (Email me if you want the link. I have decided that I shall not publicly announce it.)

And till then, take care! I heard that it is pouring almost everyday in Singapore. Although I don't like rain, I definitely think that sort of a weather is more tolerable than the winds blowing at 50 miles an hour with snow charging at your face!

The day after Thanksgiving

Thursday was Thanksgiving.

Well, it is an American Holiday with its history traced back to its founding time. I only know it has something to do with tha pilgrims. Well...I thought it was a little weird to be holding hands with the family and saying thanks for my family.

That was the perfect answer. At least, that was the impression I got.

Everyone said thanks for their family. But I cannot understand why their actions do not recoincide with their thoughts.

As for me, I said thanks for my life, for the opportunity to be there right then and the wonderful company I was in.

I thank God for my family too, but I think I would prefer to show that with my actions rather than just paying lip-service.

Anyhow, the day after Thanksgiving is what is commonly known as Black Friday.

Nope, it is not friday the 13th. It is the 23rd.

It is called black friday because it is the day after thanksgiving when people charge to the stalls and grab Christmas Presents.

Why do they do that? I don't know. It is not like they get money or what.

Anyhow, stalls open at 4am.

Yes, I can't believe it. But that was really what I saw as I walked to the train station on Friday.

I left for Philadelphia at 415am. I woke up--no, I should say, I was supposed to wake up--at 3am to get ready but I ended up not being able to sleep.

I think it was probably due to the Dunkin Donut coffee which I had for dessert, which was wha...powerful.

That aside, Thanksgiving itself was an eye-opener.

In terms of behavioral response exhibited by people.

Like...guests who are obviously ill-mannered and there purely for the sake of eating.

Very sad. Very very sad.

I am a helper in the house. I am supposed to be taking care of the kids.

But I willingly help out with the housework because the chores are just enormous. I see my host struggling with the turkey. I just couldn't stand there and do nothing! My conscience was crying!!! And so, I was there practically drying dishes for the whole night!

That really didn't matter, if I hadn't seen people of the family who really should be helping up strolling around and trying to mommy some kid who is obviously being taken care of already.

I used to have such a good impression. It was just shattered after that night.

She is really the exact depiction of what others have said. She just walks in late for the party, eats, and leaves.

She is always saying things about how busy she is and how much work she has to do.

And I guess the most irking part is, she always appears the day after the house is cleaned and walks around the house with her boots.

The house is cleaned once a week. The whole house is airconditioned. The whole of the second storey is carpeted. I hope that is enough reason for me to be irked out.

...

Whatever it is, I was toying with the thought of not being around with the family during Thanksgiving next year should I stay.

And before you punch me in the mouth on this decision, maybe you should give me the opportunity to explain in my later posts.

For now, I shall just say that I am keen on the idea of traveling over the holiday.

We shall see...

Progress report

Tomorrow marks my third month here. As you can see, I am trying to recollect my thoughts after every passing month. I think it helps to orient myself a little bit better.

To be honest, I have had many thoughts for the past week. I guess they weren't here simply because the rate of change of my thoughts was much faster than what my ten fingers can manage. Or maybe it was my schedule that didn't permit me enough time to blog. Oh well, it doesn't matter. I am here finally and that is what matters, right?

...

The older kid is at home today. She did not go to school because she is feeling sick.

As a matter of fact, this is the season. Of illnesses.

As the weather turns colder with the progress of fall into winter, people are just falling sick. Everywhere.

Three members of the RCIA team have been sick for a while.

Occassionally, I would wake up with a stuffed nose or a runny nose.

Now, this kid (who is supposedly quite strong) is sick. I just hope I will not succumb!

Anyhow, I bet you are eager to know how 'we' are getting along.

The truth is, I still don't love her and I don't think I will ever want to.

She is sloppy. She doesn't flush the toilet after big business. She leaves her clothes lying all over the house. The soap is intentionally spilled all over the place.

She is rude. She screams at her parents. She ignores me when I talk to her.

She is a tyrant. She bosses her sister around and punches her (she does, and I have no idea how to stop that) when she doesn't get her way.

She doesn't like to shower or brushes her teeth. And yes, she stinks.

And I know she is a kid.

People tell me to take it easy. "Come on! I am sure you were like that when you were a kid" is what they always say.

Well, too bad. I wasn't like that at all. You can verify with my parents.

But I guess that aside, the question at the back of my head is, why is the sister doing a much better job?

I am not sure if I told you before, the previous au pair had a pact with the older kid, that she will train the young one up into someone more commending and loveable.

Of course, the au pair won the bet.

I am not interested in betting with her. In contrast, I am not even the least interested in changing her.

You see, I have come to many realizations.

If I can't fight it, then go with it.

If I can't change it, then live with it.

Why should her discipline problems be my problem? Why should I bother?

Who am I to bother?

When I first came, I was full of enthusiasm to change the world. And so I gave in what I could.

Then I realized, I am not super(wo)man. So why bother?

...

The trip to Washington DC really did change my perspective a lot.

We have the same benefits. Weekends are off. We can bring our friends over. The pantry is filled with food. I would say that almost everything is the same.

Well, our hosts are a whole lot different though. The parents understand how to personally put their plates away. The kids do not shout at the parents. N doesn't need to fight with the children over the use of the bathroom.

And I do realize I shouldn't be making comparisons.

So instead, I have decided to adjust my expectations and accept the fact that I am here, really, as a part-time maid.

I clean the stove. And the table.

I feed the cat.

I clean up their vomit.

I take in the mail.

Sometimes, I clear the garbage.

In addition to my usual stipulated chores.

There is no use fussing over it. It doesn't make me any happier or contented. In contrast, I feel all the more frustrated.

...

And there is something I have learnt and really am starting to appreciate:

When the older kid gives me the hell of a time, ignore.

Switch off entirely and don't care at all.

She can scream and shout. She can wrestle and curse. Whatever she wants. Whatever she deems fit.

I don't care...

I am just here for a year, or maybe an additional half a year (hehs, I realize that if I can switch off, I can just stay here a while longer because I still have my unaccomplished agenda!) so why make life difficult for myself?

...

By the way, I will be taking classes during the Spring Semester next year.

It is just one class but the idea of going to school is really kind of freaking me out.

I will be taking Elementary Spanish II. Yeah, in spite of the fact that I have done Spanish for nearly two years!

I will still need to take one more class and I should be doing it during the Summer term.

Last but not least, I am going on a short trip again during the Thanksgiving weekend.

Short trip = two days. Friday and Saturday. I will be back Saturday night just so I can attend mass on Sunday morning.

Philadelphia is my destination this time. And I will be alone.

If I don't blog before that, see you next week! =)

Finally.

This morning, I was caught in a dilemma.

It was a call of integrity (maybe it may seem exaggerating to you to be using such a word) or convenience.

What would you have done?

...

She knew she needed to get on the school bus. She knows that.

Well, she was having difficulty waking up already. I bet she slept very late last night. Despite the fact that we had 'agreed' that the kids will turn in AT 10pm.

I slept at 1040pm and she was still up and jumping then. God knows what time she went to bed. And I don't care, really.

Anyway, she was still asleep by 840am. The bus comes at 905am by the way.

I woke her up and she said she was tired. Well, what can I do?

Then, she got dressed and we were all ready to set off.

After throwing a tantrum at me --it happens all the time-- she looked almost ready. And I was glad.

850am.

This is the usual time we will set off to the bus stop. We would have ample time to get the trash out and stroll to the bus stop.

She chose to want to run upstairs and 'get some thing'.

And then she ran to the basement to get 'other stuff'.

855am.

She then spent the next few minutes stuffing her Pokemon folder and Pokemon cards into her little pink bag.

Her folder is massive and her bag is tiny.

I reminded her that the bus was coming and she ranted her usual "whatever!" (with a I-don't-care accent).

Ok lo.

Then I reminded her again that she needed to get her chores done before we set off.

I got another one of those looks.

903am.

I told her...'I am not going to nag anymore but I hope you remember that we are walking to school if you miss the bus.'

I got another one of those snouts and a look.

Whatever, I was thinking to myself.

905am.

She got her stuff together and decided she will go to the bus stop.

I was almost certain that she would miss the bus.

Sure thing, I wasn't surprised.

And I wasn't surprised when she asked me to take the car.

"Can we take the car?"

"Um, no" I answered, as a matter-of-factly.

I was hesitant, to be honest.

I wasn't sure if I really wanted her to be late but I was sure I wanted her to learn her lesson.

She knew she didn't have so much time to play with. She knew she needed to walk to school should she miss the bus. I wanted her to fully understand this lesson.

On the way there, we ran into her mother's cousin (Oh no!) and she offered us a ride.

I declined.

I told her, I am sorry but she needs to learn a lesson.

Deep down inside, it was another struggle. What if the mom finds out and interrogates me about it?

While she had shown her approval in our discussions, I think she isn't as keen as the dad is in terms of such a methodology.

I asked the kid if this affair should be just between us, or if I should tell the parents. She refused to answer me.

Hhmmm...

It was quite a walk and fortunately or unfortunately, she wasn't late.

When she finally realized her bag was not going to contain the cards, she told me to bring them home.

"No. You brought them here."

"And I changed my mind and said "You sure? You won't ever get to see them again."

So, she changed her mind too.

I found out that she was bringing the cards to school to trade with her friend.

...

The thing is, I knew one of these days, this was going to happen, since she loved delaying and procrastinating.

I just hadn't expected today to be THE day.

While I had posed a great inconvenience to myself as well, I am glad I stuck with my stand.

Let's just say that I hope she learns her lesson after today.

Although I realy wouldn't mind it if she doesn't.

The truth always hurt

When I was in DC, I received a call from PY.


She is my friend from orientation. She is from Shanghai.


She was quite homesick during orientation and she complained a lot, from the cold food to the weather to what-have-you.


But she was quite fond of me and we kind of hit it off.


She was supposed to be in Chicago and we talked on the phone a few times. It was the usual. She would complain about the problems she was facing and all. So most of the time, I just needed to be Aunt Agony.


Come to think of it, I think I really do a good job at being Aunt Agony. I like listening to people and I am very happy people trust me.


Anyway, the newest news was that she was now in Virginia (where I was when I received the call but of course, Virginia is very big) because she had been rematched.

What!? Re-matched?????????????????????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I didn't call her back immediately because I was really tired (I called her on my way back and we agreed that I will visit her next April--a long time, but well, something to look forward to).

I guess...really, the program has its hideous sides. Trust me.

N had gone through an unpleasant host family in Connecticut and that was why she decided to go on rematch. From her, I heard more scary stories. There is a host dad asking his au pair to have s...(fill in the blanks yourself; you are probably right); au pairs who don't get to use the car; au pairs made to work for 50 hours (by right, we are supposed to work for 44 hours only; I work only around 35 hours). The list goes on.

I was infuriated by what I heard and from what PY told me.

The kids couldn't be attached to her and the parents hence decided to have a rematch.

That I can understand.

What I cannot understand is the verbal humiliation she had to face from her community counselor "Please. Just get yourself a ticket back home to....!" and the fact that the host family had refused her lodging even for her last night.

And the worst thing is, along the rematch process, the counselor had deliberately withheld her information from interested prospective families.

What the....

Like what N said, we are here as cheap labour already and it is very saddening to know that people would do this to us.

(Fyi: a professional au pair can earn up to US $200 an hour. She usually doesn't stay in with the kids and the family.)

I mean while I blog about my emotions, I do know that I have one of the better families around.

(Although the way N described her family made me want to yield for more...I guess greed is part of human nature. We are constantly dissatisfied. I must curb that habit. I must... )

And then what PY said hit me hard...

"Don't expect too much from this program. I tell you, just get the best out of this one year and go home. The people here are bad."

I don't know if it is really that bad but like I said, beside PY, I know of other counselors who have manipulated the situation.

"Open your eyes! Come on! Don't expect them to side with you! You are here only for a year and the families are here for eternity! They are the customers! Why should they do anything for your benefit!?"

It is all very painful to know.

I never once expected this program to have such an ugly side. I guess I was wrong.

Although I would choose to believe that just like there are bad employers who abuse their maids, there are good kind-hearted souls who genuinely believe in the equality of mankind and the respect for all fellow human beings.

Having said that, let's just say that I now have fears of rematching.

Initially, I was thinking (as you can trace my entries) of switching to another family in my extension year.

After hearing these terrible stories and knowing how my counselor is like, I don't even dare to conceive the thought anymore.

I hate this feeling very much, because I hate to be the passenger. I always like to be the driver so that I can steer myself to new courses.

But really, I guess the question I have for myself now is,

Do what I want to pursue justify the very decision of staying behind?

Things are turning out better. I take the initiative to talk and play and all. I take the initiative to try to attract her attention.

The truth is, I work very hard. I do.

I work so hard I realize I have to bury my tears inside somehow.

And while we are slowly hitting it off, I don't know why I still don't believe that this is the perfect match.

To a certain extent, maybe I feel I am trying too hard. But, isn't that a part of life? A constant struggle as we continously challenge ourselves?

...

Consistently, I tell myself to stay engaged in the thought of living in the moment.

I tell myself to stop jumping into the future and deciding if I should stay or leave.

It is just hard. Hard.

And finally, I realize--after my visit to DC--why I didn't feel the match.

Because I am seeking for a God-centered family.

I was seeking for a family who goes to Mass every week. Who sits at the table and prays before meals. Who says thanks for their blessings in life. Whose life goes beyond the sleek upfront of a big and comfortable house.

And while this inner search has not been satisfied, all I can say is, I am happy with where I am right now.

Happy in terms of making the best and most out of it.

And all I can do is to have the faith to believe that whatever I have right now, is the best I can be.

Because life effectively evolves over little small minute steps.

Invisible to the naked eye.

Accesible only by faith.

And so with a quote from Weilu (many thanks, sis =D)

"God, if life is so many things that I am not, and never will be, give me the strength to be what I am."
- Gaby Brimmer, a disabled writer and activist with celebral palsy

The value of 12 hours

I just came back from a short trip to Washington DC.

It wasn't exactly smooth-sailing. Oh well, it started off quite terribly, in fact.

I was up at 4am and all excited to go, only to reach the train station at 430am to realize I had forgotten my train ticket.

Win already, you say?

And so, in my intention to turn home to pick it up so that I can still catch the 440am train, I had an accident.

Yes, an accident.

You didn't read it wrong. I didn't exaggerate.

I was doing a three-point turn and all I knew was, I had checked before I picked the gear into D mode.

The next moment, a car was in front of me and I had hit it.

I didn't take the licence number. I was stupid, I know.

I camt out of the car, all frantic and shaken. And the guy scolded the hell out of me.

The next thing he said, "I am rushing to work."

Huh?

You see. I have never been involved in an accident before. I have no idea what I should do.

All I knew was something was supposed to happen after an accident (I later found out that we have to exchange details and licence plate numbers). I just didn't know what (like I say, I am stupid).

So I was late for my train (and hence my bus into DC).

I decided it was only right that I drive home and tell my host parents about it. I don't want them thinking that I only knew play and had no sense of responsibility.

...

So I reached home and my host mum was awake.

I told her what happened. We went out amidst the pitch black darkness to see the car.

I only remembered smashing the glass of my headlights off. The other car was just scratched. I told her that fact-off.

I also told my host parents that I would be responsible to pay for the damages incurred.

And that was it.

I drove back to the train station. Well, the train had gone off.

Too bad. I called up the operator and asked if it were possible that I take a later bus.

By right, it wasn't allowed, and I knew that.

I explained that I had been in an accident. He let me take a later bus.

I can't tell you how relieved I was.

...

My bus was due to leave at 1230pm but it was late.

For a while, I was thinking maybe it wasn't going to run (because when I spoke to the guy earlier on, he had wanted me to be on the 530pm bus since that timing was confirmed. The rest were not! OMG!)

So I waited in trepidation. Mixed with anxiety.

Was that it? Was I due not to go to DC?

Oh well.

When the bus finally came, all I could think of was 'Yay!'.

...

I reached DC at around 430pm. The sky was getting dark already.

There was a girl (whom I have never met; the only connection was that she is from the same agent based in Malaysia) who was supposed to pick me up.

I should say it was both a good and bad thing. The good thing was that my accomodation was all settled and I am grateful about that. The bad thing...Um, I think I will save that for later.

...

I spent roughly twelve hours in DC. Was it enough?

There were a few moments when the girl (let's call her N) and I had a few conflicts. She would say things like "if you end up not visiting many places, its not my fault ok".

Um, from the first email we communicated, I never had the cheek to want to claim that it was her fault if I didn't get the so-called worth back.

What is worth anyway?

"At the rate you are walking, I doubt you can cover many places."

Why was I walking so slowly? Why...I don't know. Maybe because you are from DC and I am staying in NY?

"We waste time like that (I needed to eat breakfast before we set off and to her, that was wasting time) then you don't blame me later ok".

Huh? If I don't eat breakfast, I can't even function. For goodness' sake, I am here to have fun, not engage in survival DC!

"If you didn't come to Washington to see these, what are you here for?"

Um...that one was tricky. She still insisted I didn't make sense after I have explained.

Look. I know she is an experienced backpacker.

I know she has been to Southeast Asia. I know she has gone to China.

But I don't think that gives her a right to make judgmental comments.

(I am trying to convince myself that she didn't mean to be judgmental. I am caught in between.)

Frankly, if you were to calculate the costs of the trip empirically, then yes, I didn't get the worth out of it.

I didn't get to explore any of the museums I had planned to.

I didn't get to visit the Library of Congress.

I didn't make it to try some popular food.

But you see, if you think about it, I almost didn't make it after the accident (no no, I am not hurt. I am just saying, the bus guy could have decided that he will not let me on the bus). So everything from there is a bonus.

Within these short twelve hours, I learnt so many things.

I learnt how the metro works, which is totally different from the subway in NY.

I understood a little more about the geography of Washington DC, Virginia and Maryland.

I realized how important it is to travel with people of a similar personality and/or mindset.

Last but not least, I experienced how inconvenient it can be to put up with somebody you are not really familiar with.

(I will elaborate on the details in later entries)

Many au pairs have the tendency to put up at another's place just so that they can cut down on accomodation.

Well, that is just what I did! Thinking that I was some smart aleck who got a good deal.

But while I am thankful of her gesture, the afterthought was how inconvenient it really was.

She lived about 40minutes (including drive time from the metro station and traveling time from one metro station to another) away so going back to her house and putting down my bags was not a possible option.

And so with that, I had to lumber around with 2 heavy bags.

If you remember, I have misaligned spinal bones, so can you imagine how much pain I am feeling right now after two days of lumbering in thick armour (I woke 4 layers, including my down coat) and heavy backpacks.

The first sensation I had when I woke up this morning was that my shoulder bones were cracking.

No, they are not actually cracking--I don't know how to describe to you but um, they just feel terribly out of place and painful?

And I was thinking about how she commented about the rate I was walking.

Maybe I am not physically strong and fit, but she is clearly not emphathetic as she has claimed either.

...

Was it all worth it?

I guess it all depends on how you define it.

If you are talking about the decrease in expenditure as a result of putting up at N's place, no.

If you are talking about the lessons I have learnt and taking them forward from there, I would say it is a definite yes.

Saving on accomodation at the expense of my body is the worst decision I can ever make.

Staying put at an acquitance's place and having to put up with her insensitive and rude comments is not worthwhile either.

And there are a few other things which I also learnt--and I will elaborate in later entries--which are definitely a plus plus.

So anyhows, I figured I would still be going on more trips.

But this time round, I will very much prefer to be alone.

While it is not thanksgiving yet...

This was supposed to be an entry due last week.

Well, as with all things, new experiences modify the original thoughts.

The thing is, I don't think that is important. the gist of the entry still stands. That is what matters.

...

Last week, Danny msn-ed me and told me he has been reading my blog pretty faithfully.

You know what. I know there is a faithful following out there. *clears my throat* Thanks so much. Really, thank you.

And he went on to say that he had a song for me.

I was expecting him to want to refer me to some song off Youtube, or send me some lyrics from some website for motivation/reflection but I was quite wrong.

In the end, we were talking on msn and he played me a song by Sky Wu. Imagine, real-time! Live!

>>Ji mo gong lu.

You know, I have never associated this song to be one that can invoke so many emotions but as he was playing it, and after he has played it (when I went on youtube to hear it again), I didn't the tears which were welling up my eyes.

I guess all I could say is, suddenly, I shared the exact sentiments of the song.

Since when did this road suddenly turned so lonely and seemed so long?

...

...

Thanksgiving is not due until next Thursday.

I bet you are as unfamiliar as I am. Well, all I know is 1) we eat turkey 2) it is always the third Thursday of November 3) we say thanks for this day.

Specifically, my host mum is throwing a party.

But whatever it is, I don't think giving thanks need to wait till then.

Have you recounted the blessings in your life?

Just last Wednesday, Brother Richard (who came to talk about the Ten Commandments) was just telling us how every day is a blessing and how we should be giving thanks to God.

Sometimes we forget that, don't we?

Sometimes, we begin to start taking every single breath for granted because we never had that close brush with death to realise how precious life is.

...

The fact is, I really appreciate the support and encouragement the many of you out there are giving me.

Like just yesterday, I received an encouragement email from Weilu about how I could go about handling the kids better.

The day before yesterday, I received replies from my university friends. Bing. Karman. Zhenxin. Ivy.

Gina sms-ed me too and asked me how I was.

On and off, Sebas will msn me words of encouragement, especially when he saw that I am feeling low.

Shufen gives me spiritual support, with insightful reflections about the small and big issues that happen to me.

Jerome talks to me everyday (and sometimes scolds me off for being silly).

And Teng Seah, Andrea, Seng, Elaine, Cass, Hunn, Weizhen...the many others which I may not be able to recall offhand. You know who you are and I am sorry if I didn't list your name here.

I just want you to know everything you have done really do mean a lot to me. Everything.

And I want to say thanks for that.

Thanks for being in my life and for braving this particular journey with me right now.

=) *hugs*

More alone than ever

I don't quite know how to start this entry.

Well, the title probably sums it up. I feel alone.

I mean, I know this feeling is absolutely natural. I am in fact, alone. I hadn't come with any friends. Well, that is in my nature, I guess. I hate waiting for things to happen. I hate being in the backseat waiting for the driver to chart my future.

Other times, it can help, but sometimes, it may not be a good thing.

...

The parents and I had another discussion last night.

I didn't initiate it, ok. I just asked the mum if she wanted me to be a caretaker or a disciplinarian.

That was it.

I asked it because the girl had grabbed my hand in anger when I was waking her up yesterday morning.

By the way, if you have any good suggestions as to how I can wake kids up (no alarm clocks please; if it worked I wouldn't have to resort to this and almost got my hand nabbed and thankfully not broken), please leave me a comment.

She couldn't give me a clear answer. She said she had to ask the dad.

I wanted to laugh. Of course, I didn't.

And so after dinner, they sat me down in the study and we talked.

There were a few awkward moments. For example, when I was telling him that he gave too much trust to his kid, and she had misplaced his trust, he gave me that face again.

That same expression he gave me when I offered to find a padlock to the pantry.

That kind of skeptical "What-do-you-think-you-know" expression that I just hate.

And when I said he need to discipline his kid more, the same expression cropped up again.

He said something about picking your battles (I am not sure if he meant it at me). He said, "we can't expect these kids to be like clay".

Well, I never expected your kids to be like clay.

I never once expected to mould them.

Look, your darling daughter clearly has a weight problem. She snacks too much.

And you know what the mum did? She gave me a list of foods I MUST cook.

Ironically, it has been the type of diet I have been following all this time.

Should I laugh, or should I wail?

And your darling clearly has an attitude problem. She respects neither you nor your wife.

So when I just politely suggest that he may want to look into discipline, he raises his eyebrows with this skeptism that makes me want to shake my head.

I guess I was too nosey. My dad said so, in fact.

Which is why, I was thinking...why should I bother with discipline?

But but but, he then said,

I want her to respect you. If you are just doing childcare, how is she going to learn to respect you?

I am not sure if he ever realize that discipline works with me only when the parents work with me?

If you are always going to send them to bed at 11pm (an earlier meeting saw us agreeing to tuck them into bed at 10pm), then they are always going to have problems waking up. Then every morning, I will have to fear for my arms.

Your wife was the one who suggested locking the pantry room up and we all agreed that that will hinder her snacking. You haven't done anything so far (and I seriously don't think he will do anything).

She tried to kick me. She threw a pencil at me. She grabbed my hand and almost broke it. You said you can't possibly hit her with the strap for every single wrong she did. You said that I should start small but you also said that you wouldn't hesitate to punish her if she had done something so disrespectful. Then, you tell me you wonder how childcare from discipline should be separated.

Am I asking too much? Am I complaining too much?

And I told them as a matter-of-fact...for the first time, I was considering a rematch.

The truth is, I don't know if it is a good idea. I can get a better family, or I can get a worse one.

Well, the thing is, I kind of not want to go. I don't love it here. I don't love the kids. I don't love the parents either.

But I am doing ok.

You know what I mean?

I think all this is happening because I need to learn how to live (and I mean, literally, live) with difficult people and let's just say that I am almost certain God will give me someone else that is cranky if I opt for a rematch.

But I am thinking...is this worth it?

Is all this worth it?

I don't feel the least happy, to be honest. I am not in the best of moods.

I feel defeated and disappointed but I am not sure if a change will do me good.

And it is ironic because the parents were telling me....

You should be having fun! You shouldn't feel so miserable. You volunteered for this!

I know that. I do.

You shouldn't be living in fear and depression and misery and worry.

Maybe you want to talk to the other au pairs about it?

Maybe it is a cultural difference?

I think his implicit meaning was, I think this is typical of American kids. You have to rough up to
fit in.

Maybe you could try a few stuff to win the kids' favor.
(And he gave me some suggestions.)

Um...I guess the question I am asking myself is, should I be trying so hard for respect, something that is so basic?

And the dad also added,

I was just telling (my wife), maybe this was just not a good match.

And I wonder too.

They told me if I was considering rematch, please go ahead, although they said that they will feel bad should I end up with a bad family.

I was told that that was sales talk. Really? That would really break my heart.

...

I don't have a clear stand, to be honest.

If you ask me, I very much want to go. But like I say, I am hesitant because I want to finish up the few things I have started.

On the top of my list, RCIA.

Am I selfish?

Yeah, if you say so.

Whatever it is, it is just me here alone.

Facing them. Facing her.

All alone.