Maybe this is the point where everything settles down.

I stand by the belief that some things cannot be forced.

That, often, the many things we think we have control over are just hoaxes.

A sense of false belief that we have control.

When actually we don't.

...

I may be going home, really.

Happy? Sad? Hhmmm...a bit of both, I would say.

Anyhows, I am not sure if I wrote about this yesterday.

I was pretty sure there was something about me which was disturbing the mum. I just didn't say it.

I am sensitive to people's nuances. Call it a gift or a curse.

Which is why I know when something is not right with a person. Something is either bothering them, or they are preoccupied with a problem.

Sometimes, I am the problem.

Like I say, I can tell. The same way I can tell if you had stayed up too late the night before (well, I wouldn't be able to pinpoint what though).

And so I was kind of expecting this conversation.

She sat me over and said the exact same things the dad had said.

That they are concerned. Over my driving.

And I said the same thing. I know you are concerned, because you have a right to be. I would be, too!

She went on to say...

I am not sure how to say it...

I told her to just be upfront. I mean, I already know what was coming; I just needed her to be personal and forthcoming about it.

So she said,

I am not sure if you would be more comfortable with a family which requires less driving.

I said I was prepared to go home. And she looked shocked.

(In retrospect, I am glad she didn't realize I meant an inference that I have had enough of being an au pair...because her children are really quite a mess to deal with..*oops*)

But you are such a good au pair! For all you know, you may end up in a place with warmer weather!

Um, exactly how much they mean it, I don't know. I only know I loathe the way they approach the issue.

Why do they toss the ball into my court when I am the one running into trouble and they are the one getting the worse side of the deal?

By the way, they have had a history of getting rematches. I don't think that should be a big deterrence, should it?

Each party has 3 strikes of matching. Once you exhaust them, you are out. But for the host, the game restarts everytime they get a brand new match.

I am a brand new match. So really...hhmmm?

I told her,

Let's phrase it this way. If you feel that you prefer someone more versed in driving, please ask for a rematch.

I kept emphasizing my point throughout the conversation.

I told her, just like you told me on the couch that one time, please don't feel that you are offending me by getting a rematch.

And in case you wonder why I kept emphasizing that, well, it is simply because I knew from her facial expression and body language she is not comfortable with the strategy her husband and she have suggested.

The host dad will sit in with me when I drive.

Exactly when, I don't know. He always have too little time to do anything so I cross my fingers.

The next time we meet, it will be in Jan. And they will decide.

I find it all so funny. Really.

The thing is, if you are not comfortable with it, just take the solution that gives you a peace of mind. Why do you want to seek compromise?

...

On hindsight, I am not sure if that was my instinctive unconscious trying to get out of the family.

Maybe it is.

I see the bar of soap broken into small pieces and clogging the bathtub. I see the old kid with her repulsive stomach and face. I see the little kid's unreasonable and unfathomable tantrums.

And I hate it.

Or maybe I just cannot part with the many things that look set for fruition.

But as I am typing now, I am beginning to really think that...

Just leave everything to the hands of God.

I am sure some of you don't believe in that context. For that, just stick to a reference of your belief, be it fate, destiny...whatever that suits you best.

For me, that is especially important because just last night, we had an Advent Reflection.

Expect the unexpected.

What an irony you say? Yes, irony it is.

If it is unexpected, how can you expect it?

...Then, don't.

Don't expect anything.

Because everything will turn out good in the end.

Maybe not in the best way we thought it could be, or should be, but it is definitely the best way it can be.

And I am just happy knowing that.

Be it going home, or staying here. I can't change that.

All I hope is that I have a big heart to accomodate all the emotions.

The thing is, face it--I don't like driving, and I am in a place when automobiles reign supreme.

It may be the best place to 'practise' driving...but that aside...

If leading a life here as an au pair is so demeaning and dignity-ruining,

maybe packing my bag is really not a bad idea.

After all, I have had my fun. It was enough.