My decision

I thought about the issue all day yesterday.

The last we 'met', she was still treating me coldly. Weirdly.

It is very uncomfortable.

My (real) mum told me to leave. She also feels that it is not worth it.

All this humbling experience. All these nonsense I have to stomach.

All this unhappiness I face every single day staring at me in the face.

All this counting down to the day that I get to leave.

But you know what...I have decided that I cannot change the fact that she doesn't want to be honest with her true feelings. Until they decide otherwise, I will stick to my own decision.

I will stay.

Why?

For the simple reason. I am here to do something and while I have achieved half of it, half remains to be done.

The ball is not in my court, so it makes no sense to chase it or fret or even anticipate.

I will hit it when it comes over to my side.

The message of Advent stands clear in my head this morning: Leave it all to God.

Everything good will turn out the best way in the end.

I came here led by Him. I will go where He leads me.

It is difficult, because I am groping in the dark. I can't see any light.

But I do believe that therein darkness lies a test of faith.

And I will take that test.

If the family wants me to go (think about it: they have a history of saying one thing and meaning another--remember my fall to booking of my air ticket--so I won't be surprised if they suddenly decide tomorrow that they want to rematch with another au pair), then I will go. Else, I will hang on until March then decide.

March, because 1) I will get baptised then 2) I have enough time to finish up on my chiro-therapy.

I wasn't a keen believer in this stand until R reminded me that there was no need to get sentimental.

From the beginning, there were no emotions involved on their part. It was just me trying to get close and attached.

I was always the one who tried to bring love in, only to be let down in the end.

So what is the point of getting sentimental?

From the beginning, it was meant to be a business transaction. They pay me so much to do these; I have never done anything less. In fact, I do more.

So well, the sad but true facts hold.

The truth always hurts, doesn't it?

If they ask me to leave, I am glad--because their kids are monsters in disguise.

If they ask me to stay, I am glad--because I get to finish up properly the things I have started.

If I am asked to leave, I am happy--for all I know, it may be the beginning of another good adventure.

If I am asked to stay, I am fine too--I don't have to readjust to people and schedules and everything all over again.

Whatever it is, it doesn't matter.

At the end of the day, the ticket to home is but a click away.

A bit on the costly side but I am sure friends will chip in for it in kind, right?

*winks at you who is reading my blog*

And I thank Shufen for this song, to continually remind me that no mountains are ever too high and no valleys are ever too deep, as long as we cast our doubt onto Him and believe.

That all things will always turn out good in the end.

Shepherd of my soul (Martin Nystrom)

Shepard of my soul,
I give you full control wherever you may lead,
I will follow
I have made the choice to listen to your voice
wherever you may lead, I will go.
Be it in a quiet pasture, or by a gentle stream
The shephard of my soul is by my side
Should I face a mighty mountain, or a valley dark and deep
The Shephard of my soul will be my guide.