The things that matter.

I don't quite enjoy blogging when I am in a rush.

Like yesterday. I meant to write something else with that entry but I forgot. Because I was short of time.

(And that also bears testimony to the fact that I am really getting very absent-minded!)

I guess I could always write it now.

...

I called E last night.

(By the way, I can call you too. Just leave me your home number--I can call land lines for free for the next 80 days? It is some online calling software)

I don't know why I suddenly felt like calling her. I just wanted to, I guess.

We chatted a bit. She told me about A's death. She thought I didn't know.

But I knew. In fact I was in grief for a while.

S had sent me a sms to my Singapore number informing me, and my brother had kindly relayed the message to me.

I also remember feeling very shocked.

Not that I hadn't anticipated it. The thing is, death happens eventually to each and every of us, does it not? It is always only a matter of time.

And whether you have lived it for that worth.

....

E said she didn't live her life to her worth.

She had died in the early morning on a Saturday. The porridge that E brought her on Thursday was her last meal.

On her deathbed, she was a collection of bones. Simply because she just couldn't take in and absorb whatever she was consuming.

Can you imagine yourself being just a collection of bones?

Can you imagine that happening to yourself?

That aside, E's consistent mentioning of the 'worth' caught me hard.

"She had a boyfriend for 20-30 years who refused to marry her"

"She was only 52. How young is that?"

...I couldn't reply her. I didn't know what to say.

"She was such a nice person. It was really not worth it."

...I don't know what she meant when she said that. I think she meant that she died too young, with possibly many regrets.

...

E went on to ask me about my plans.

I said I would be here for 9 more months at least. Then, I also don't know if I will stay here for another 6 months.

She reminded me that I should look for a *decent* job when I return. A decent job that I really like.

I smiled to myself. She is probably the millionth person to tell me the former statement. At least she went on to qualify her statement.

Just what is decent, I don't know, and I bet we each have our own justification.

But I do fully support the idea of a job that I like, or in fact love.

I told her I am contemplating an application for a teaching stint to Japan when I return.

She just said...maybe you want to think about your life in longer terms?

"Just what are you doing when you start on short-term stints like that?"

"...and since you already have a boyfriend, maybe you can consider marriage"

...

I think I used to be very obstinate.

I used to think I know everything I want in my life.

Freedom.

Freedom to do whatever you want with your life.

Freedom for pursuit of goals and hopes and aspirations.

I am a dreamer. I still am.

I guess I just realize that dreaming aside, life is really very short.

Not that I haven't actually known, I guess E's words just hit me harder than I thought it would.

At whose expense am I taking when I seek my freedom?

Life is a series of actions and reactions. It has to ripple to somewhere.

The problem is, do I see the end of the ripple?

Had I ever seen it? Or was I just ignoring it because I pretend to be oblivious?

...

I don't have an answer to E's question.

I only know...

This voyage out has led me to find many answers about myself.

Things that I have never seen or felt or realized.

And I am grateful for that.

I was reasoning out...

Days earlier, I was always wondering if I were doing my fair share of work. If living off the host family was acceptable. If not tidying up the house (the previous au pair always does it) was all right.

If the things I do were enough to make them happy.

But I realize,

Why do I bother so much about whether they are happy or not?

As long as it is my fair responsibility and I am not skiving or anything...I am already accountable to my conscience.

Why happens if they don't like me?

Possibly, stop the contract? Or get a re-match?

And if I have already performed to my expectations of my duty, then why am I worried? Why should I worry?

...

Like what M said,

I have always wanted to try this out. Now that I have tried it and given my best shot, no regrets!

And I guess that pretty much sums it up.

Live...with no regrets.