All I can think of is home.

I can't help but break down.

Last night, we were struggling with negotiation issues. I could actually feel my blood boil and my blood pressure rising. This morning, the young one refused to wake up and another tug-of-war had ensued.

The parent telling me about the table when it is already ridiculous to me for my definition of 'light housework'.

Seriously, when will life get better?

...

I thought calling another counselor may help a bit. I needed a professional judgement on the whole issue.

She asked me to call my counselor and told me she would call my counselor that very minute (I think she told me off).

I win already, right?

Then I called my counselor.

"I am not available right now. Can I call you back tonight when I get home?"

I thought I was her job.

I guess not.

That very minute, it was just sheer exasperation.

Everything was crashing down. And I was stuffed.

Breathless.

...

I have cried a few times but I haven't sobbed as much.

But don't get me wrong--I am just saying most of the times I cry. I also sob, just not as much.

I think this is probably the seventh time.

Seven times in 4 months. Let's see: Frequency of sobbing is about 2X every month?

And I cry more often than I sob.

Maybe that is me. A whiner. A whimper.

Afraid to stand up for myself.

Afraid to make a big fuss.

Thinking that my situation is normal.

Anyway, the very thought then was to go home right away.

It was never in my nature to prove anything. So really, wanting me to prove to the older kid I deserve her respect is really unbearable.

I didn't come here to prove anything. Instead, I came here to be a big sister.

I didn't come here to engage in a power struggle with the kids. I came here prepared to teach them the keyboard.

I didn't come here for them to have them pick and choose the food I cook each night. I came here hoping they will like Chinese food (I have folders of recipe).

I didn't come here to cry. I came here to do dance in my free time.

I didn't come here to whine. I came here to do yoga.

I didn't come here to feel miserable.

But why am I feeling so miserable that I actually want to go home?

Amidst my intense sobbing, my phone rang. It was an unfamiliar number.

She said she was my local rep. I was stunned. Really?

I don't know--I was just sobbing so hard I couldn't talk properly. R had told me to go take a breather. He said I wasn't calm enough to make wise decisions.

What is a wise decision?

When is a decision wise?

The one that makes the most capital gain, but makes me miserable? Or the one which gives me peace of mind but is not as profitable?

...

From the very beginning, I was in this family for the wrong reasons.

Yes, I know you are thinking--what is the point of saying that now?

I am not making a point. I am just explaining to you why I am miserable, and why I strongly feel that I need to go.

I said the house was empty and that I was becoming like the house.

And it is true.

If I may be frank, I came here to run away from my famiily--if you hadn't known.

There were two routes. I took the so-called easier one.

I came here knowing that this journey will endear me to my parents. It did. It really did.

And now, I end up feeling miserable because my parents are both so worried about my situation.

And as I was saying, I attached myself to this family for the very economical reasons.

Talk about being calculative. Ha.

Because they live in New York and I want to learn dance here.

Because the two kids go to school during the day and I have free time which I can go take class.

Because they provide a free mobile phone line and I didn't need to fill up the petrol when it is empty.

Because they take me on vacations to exotic places and I want to travel.

Because the previous au pair kept telling me these and I was overwhelmed with these material gains in my being.

Never mind the fact that I felt disrespected when they went ahead and decided when I should be here without consulting me.

Never mind the fact that I strongly feel uneasy about it (and I persuaded myself to believe that that is how Americans work).

And at the end...

Talk about plans.

Talk about respect.

The residence is so far from New York that it takes me two hours just to get to where I want to go.

The kids go to school in the day but going into the city is too expensive.

I don't drive so much so the petrol is just minimal.

I don't like talking on the phone so much so what is the big deal about a mobile phone?

A vacation to an exotic place will only become a nightmare when you are traveling with kids (as I found out from my experience in Hersheys: when they go missing, the first person accountable is me.)

I didn't know any details regarding the trip to Hersheys--yes, maybe I didn't ask.

I didn't know about plans to do additional baby-sitting--yes, I didn't ask, but how would I know when it is my day off?

I didn't know if we were going out for dinner--yes, I didn't ask but how would I know if you guys are expecting me to come along?

But I am still thankful though:

Amidst this hardship and difficulty, I found two things. And I rediscovered the very essence of my being.

I found my love for my family back.

And I found God.

And I know many care. Many who worry and stand by me amidst the ocean (I think it is the Indian Ocean) and the time zone, and yes, the difference in seasons.

...

As D appropriately puts it, this could be a dysfunctional family.

It was interesting because a day after he pointed out, A, my friend from the bus stop told me the same thing.

The little one would always go around hugging people and telling people "I love you".

But from that tone and attitude, you can tell either she doesn't mean it, or she has no idea what it means and all she hopes is your reciprocated response.

I don't think a kid should go around hugging people.

And A said, the whole family lacked affection.

Maybe that was the missing link.

The emptiness. The lack of love. The lack of affection.

The belief that everything is a money transaction. The notion of using money to get around everything.

And there I was. Here with the exact same mindset.

And maybe that was why the previous au pair loved this family so much. Because all these transactions are the very real issue of life.

Talk about being calculative.

...

I will be talking to the family tonight.

It was a highly debatable decision. Will talking to them harm me in any way?

But if I keep putting off, I feel more miserable!

I have religious class. After that, I will have a talk with them. With the intention of a mutual decision to go for rematch.

Because if the decision is mutual, it is easier to get my counselor to work.

My local rep will be speaking to the UK office.

She told me to be prepared to go home though, because of my driving issues.

Hhhmm...You know what. It doesn't matter. I really don't care.

At the end of the day,

this all being on being economical is killing me.

I cannot live another day like this. I cannot walk away from the essence of my soul.

Talk about going home.

Yes, responsibilities are plenty and daunting, but therein I know love is abound.

If I were a plant...

I thrive on love.

I cannot thrive like this: persuading myself to stay for the very reason of staying and finishing my goals.

I thrive on happiness.

I cannot live another day knowing that I have missed the very point of being here--to dance and feel happy.

Last but not least, I cannot live another day of lie. Of pretending that I love your children when deep down inside, I find them obnoxious.

Of course, all my emotions are debatable.

But then, I am emotional. Let me stay that way.

That is why you love me, right?

*hugs*