That is not my twin. I have no twin.
Say a hi. Give me a hug. Tell me you miss me.
...
I know it is hard to understand.
One moment I say I will stay. Another moment, I say all this about catching me around. Just what do I mean?
And I am not Chris Angel. I don't do teleport.
...
At the bottom most of our selves, therein lies a voice.
I am sure you know what I mean. Sometimes, it speaks. Sometimes, it is silent.
That speech, is a perfectly random event.
But it is a powerful voice.
I see you nodding your head. You know just what I mean, right?
The thing is, I was not at peace with myself about that decision to stay put here and wait.
What was I waiting for? For others to decide if I am fit to stay or leave?
To leave myself at the mercy of others, when I already knew deep down inside how I truly really felt.
Why did I do that?
...
I don't know if you like cakes. I kind of like them (well, I know, I don't eat cakes very often and you are probably bewildered at my comment) because they taste good.
Of course, by that I mean cakes of a flavour that you fancy. Not those which you hate to begin with.
But imagine you like cakes, and there is a cake in front of you, of a flavour you really don't fancy but with your favourite icing.
What do you do?
...
The thing is, I hadn't murdered your children. Not even close.
I hadn't stolen an antique or written a cheque under your name and cash it.
I don't deserve that look you give me.
You are concerned about my driving. You have a right to be.
But you don't have a right to treat me with contempt.
So, with the uneasiness with the decision of waiting in stupor, I decided to confront the parents at the suggestion of R.
I talked to them yesterday and I told them how I felt.
Why the suspicion? Why this lack of trust?
I am willing to go off if that is the case.
They said that they like me and that I was doing a good job so far. They were not looking at a rematch at all.
With that, I was thinking to myself...yay! Maybe everything may just work out.
Maybe.
Although when she said "...please get them showered before I come home", I froze in my seat.
And when she said, "...the driving aside, it is just the issues with L. I see how she treats you with disrespect. I cannot stand it."
Note what I italized.
I didn't think anything about it then. I just settled on the belief that I was going to stick it through. No matter what.
But...
for some reason, I felt uneasy. I don't know why.
And so for the whole day, I just tried to counter this dis-ease.
What was the problem?
What, what, what?
It was just frustration. A great deal of it.
Something about it was not right.
What, I don't know. But some thing. Some thing.
I went shopping. Usually, that would quench it.
It didn't work.
I went to the bookshop. For the second time in my four months stay.
And by chance (to be honest, I don't think it is by chance) I came across this book "The mind battlefield" and started flipping it.
By chance I browsed this chapter about Confusion and Anxiety and I zoomed in because it seemed to be the thing I needed!
And I read on and on and on.
Something about a God-imposed thought being recurrent.
Flip flip.
Something about going to a quiet place in search of the answers in times of confusion.
Flip flip.
Something about not worrying about the life right now.
Flip flip.
Nothing clicked. Nothing.
I was still frustrated. But I didn't know why.
I went to church, hoping that it will help.
It didn't.
It made me feel a little joyful (because that was the message for the Third week of Advent) but still, it didn't quench the uneasiness inside me.
And I went home.
Frustrated.
Fed up.
All this while, I was thinking to myself, I will wait till next weekend to drive and at the same time, give myself this one week to persuade L to hit the shower earlier.
...
And I came home.
My room was all dark. I hadn't switched on the lights yet.
And for the first time, I took a look around.
There are many 'labels' all over my desk My goals for the year. Little inspirational messages to motivate myself.
There are many books. Spanish, English, Chinese.
There is a picture of me and my boyfriend. Another picture of me and my family.
The floor is clear, except for that bag sitting beside the wastepaper basket.
But there was something about the room...
Something that didn't feel right.
It felt empty.
(and yes, because I was standing at the door and there was nobody inside, it is empty.)
Note, I said, it felt empty.
It isn't empty (I have to emphasize this, because R couldn't understand how it could be empty when there is furniture in it). There are stuff in the room. TV. Bed. Chairs...etc
But it felt empty.
The room was like the house.
Empty.
Even though I have been living in it for nearly 4 months.
...
I am not sure if you remember...I once commented that the house, amidst its grand outlook, lacks something (Oct 12th).
I hadn't been able to find the right word then. I just said it lacked something.
What, I don't know. Just something.
The last time I described to R, I said it felt empty.
And that it was. The house is empty.
There are people. But it is just emptiness.
Empty people. Empty lives.
Empty souls in empty rooms.
And I was becoming like that.
That instance, I had my answer.
I knew why I felt so unsettled.
I knew why I wasn't comfortable with persistng on.
I knew what I had to do. It jumped out.
...
I had written to the local representative about my situation.
I didn't say the whole story but I said most of it.
And in case you were wondering what was going through my head when I made my decision to leave,
it was just a simple understanding that:
I didn't come here to be humilitated. Or lose my dignity. Or subjected to the way that I have been for the past four months.
I am an individual with dignity. I deserve respect. I had fought hard for it.
"She doesn't show you any respect. I can't stand it. Can you live with it?"
No.
And the fact that you could show me contempt when I have done nothing wrong...
I can only shake my head in dismay.
Enough is enough.
It is not about compromising my many aspirations for respect.
I compromise because I am a fellow human being. I just cannot appreciate the parenting culture here.
Yes, I will probably head home empty-handed.
I still have to pay for my air ticket.
But the thing is, I saw so much. I learnt a big lesson.
And really, that is enough.
Really enough.
...
Right now, I have started packing my stuff.
Will I get another family? I don't know.
I don't rule that idea out, but I am quite prepared to head for home ground.
The thing is, this whole matching process is like a relationship.
At least my previous one.
For fear of loneliness I had endured. For a long time.
But when I finally decided that I will let go, nothing else matters anymore.
I am with a guy I had hoped for, and whom I can't ask for more.
That is a bonus, because I know my expectations were higher that time round.
The same with now.
I know what I am looking for...and I dare say, the chances of matching with one that fits are nearly nil.
It doesn't matter.
Not anymore.
...
There is always something that truly matters.
At the end of the day, I choose to heed that call.
Before I become an empty soul.
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