And no, while I am not perfect

The sun has been shining bright these days.

The way I see it, the storm is over. In my heart, at least.

I still wonder about it. Like last night, when I got home and the host-dad was complaining about the older kid (too) with her laziness to help out with the cat litter, I was thinking maybe I shouldn't add to their existing issues.

Then this morning, when I heard that one of the cars was giving some problems too, I thought maybe I should really bear with it and tide it with them.

Um...

But no la. I won't.

I think that is the problem with me. I think too little of my worth.

I shouldn't go around thinking that I don't matter. I do.

I have to learn that I do matter. My thoughts matter. My opinion counts. I am a human being who deserves to be respected as much as any one else.

...

The counselor did call last night.

I told her that I have been crying too much about the problem and that I don't want to be crying for the rest of my stay here.

I am glad that looking for respect is a legitimate thing to her.

...

The way I see it, a family-au pair match is really like a relationship.

I told Peggy last night that I probably won't be able to finish my RCIA journey here.

I told her I am very sad by this decision but I really feel that it is something I need to do.

And she said,

"God wants you to be challenged but He does not want you to be miserable".

I am glad she understood.

And really, like she said,

Sometimes we just have to go away to make things better.

I hung on and on and on trying to believe things will change.

But some things are inherent.

It is like..you date a wealthy guy. He has a sportscar collection at home. He lives in a big bungalow in Bukit Timah. He brings you to the high-end restaurants and takes you on extravagant vacations where you get to stay in a luxurious suite.

You get pampered like a queen when you are with him, and I bet you will be happy if that is the kind of relationship you look for.

But let's face it. You will probably have to deal with the fact that he may be a big flirt and that you are not the only one he lavishes his love on.

And you can deal with it if comfort and luxury is your priority for a date.

You can't if companionship is your criterion.

So I hope I don't give anyone the impression my host parents are not nice. They are nice. Even my counselor agrees.

And I would say they are warm and hospitable. My host mum loves throwing parties. She buys gifts for people's children on their birthdays. Her home is the most popular during Halloween because she gives away big candy bars.

It is just a pity that we don't match.

I can't say exactly why. I would just say...I am just sick of having to wash everyone's dishes left conveniently over the weekends.

I am sick of assuming the responsibility of feeding the cat medicine when initially I undertook it to partake in your responsibility.

And this time round, I won't even bother to offer to help you scoop the cats' litter.

Because I know, somehow, it will conveniently become my job.

Let's face it. Talk about busy-ness. Who isn't busy?

If you weren't busy, you wouldn't need an au pair.

At the end of the day, maybe a more appropriate question would be:

Who isn't lazy?