Tomorrow is the shortest day in winter.
And technically, is hence marked the official day when winter begins.
Although it really isn't right.
Winter has been in season for a while. I mean, I have been wearing my down coat since September?
For a long time, I thought.
I was startled that it is December only/already, and that very soon it will be the New Year.
2008.
It is funny because I have been counting down all this while. Since the first month I was here.
And I know I consciously make a note that it is the 20th already.
But you know what...
As I looked at my family picture (with me in my Masters graduation gown) and stared into space, I can't help but feel that...
It was only July when I graduated. Why does it seem so long ago?
I have only been away for four months. Why does it feel like a long time?
It is like...I have been here forever.
Forever. Oh my God. Will I ever be out of here?
...
We had our last talk last night.
It was supposed to have been held on Wednesday night, but remember I said the dad was in a super bad mood over the cat litter.
Anyhow, we had our talk.
Until this point in time, he was still insistent that he was willing to lend support for any punishment I deem necessary.
He was still *telling* me how I should approach the kid.
Come on...
If only you can pay less lip service.
If only you can NATO (no action, talk only) less.
Maybe things can work out better.
...
I still have my doubts.
Sometimes I think a little humiliation is nothing.
Sometimes I think respect is a big thing.
When will I ever be consistent? I am such a weakling, ain't I?
But every time a situation arise and I witness how they act as if they are the center of the world, and disregard the needs of others, my decision is reaffirmed.
...
Many friends ask me why I still want to be rematched when I am so disillusioned by the program.
The truth is, I don't know.
I guess, it is the belief and hope that God will bring me some thing better and more worthwhile
(although I cannot discount that maybe God may be planning for me to go home and that may be the best thing. After all, what beats being surrounded by loved ones and family).
I am hoping for a place closer to town.
I am hoping for a more flexible schedule.
I am hoping for the same hospitability, minus the snobbiness, minus the emptiness.
I am hoping for mutual respect and total acceptance.
I don't know if such a combination ever exists--it does sound too incredulous--but I will continue to hope.
And trust me, if I can't find it, I will leave.
Although I wouldn't say without some regrets.
But like what Bing aptly said,
if made to choose one that I won't regret in years to come, it has to be leaving for home.
Instead of staying here and feeling that time is merely a crawl.
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Hmm. I thought the shortest day of the year usually marks winter solstice, which is usually the middle, not the start, of winter. It's got to do with farming patterns and nature and breeding patterns and all that I think. Also, it's the time when the moon goddess is strongest I think. That's in paganism though.
Anyhoo, I hope you're going better. Time does pass slowly when it's tough a. I supposed maybe we're supposed to have that stretchy time to think and grow. Maybe that's why it's so long.
Wanting a re-match might be a good thing a. Besides, it's ONE family, and well, there HAS to be another family out there that you can connect with. Maybe like a similarly religious/spiritual one that can also help you with your spiritual journey? You did mention the UK a while ago though and that would be awesome man. -nod- And also a whole different culture. Hmm.
Whatever you do though, I'm with you. *hugs*
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