More alone than ever

I don't quite know how to start this entry.

Well, the title probably sums it up. I feel alone.

I mean, I know this feeling is absolutely natural. I am in fact, alone. I hadn't come with any friends. Well, that is in my nature, I guess. I hate waiting for things to happen. I hate being in the backseat waiting for the driver to chart my future.

Other times, it can help, but sometimes, it may not be a good thing.

...

The parents and I had another discussion last night.

I didn't initiate it, ok. I just asked the mum if she wanted me to be a caretaker or a disciplinarian.

That was it.

I asked it because the girl had grabbed my hand in anger when I was waking her up yesterday morning.

By the way, if you have any good suggestions as to how I can wake kids up (no alarm clocks please; if it worked I wouldn't have to resort to this and almost got my hand nabbed and thankfully not broken), please leave me a comment.

She couldn't give me a clear answer. She said she had to ask the dad.

I wanted to laugh. Of course, I didn't.

And so after dinner, they sat me down in the study and we talked.

There were a few awkward moments. For example, when I was telling him that he gave too much trust to his kid, and she had misplaced his trust, he gave me that face again.

That same expression he gave me when I offered to find a padlock to the pantry.

That kind of skeptical "What-do-you-think-you-know" expression that I just hate.

And when I said he need to discipline his kid more, the same expression cropped up again.

He said something about picking your battles (I am not sure if he meant it at me). He said, "we can't expect these kids to be like clay".

Well, I never expected your kids to be like clay.

I never once expected to mould them.

Look, your darling daughter clearly has a weight problem. She snacks too much.

And you know what the mum did? She gave me a list of foods I MUST cook.

Ironically, it has been the type of diet I have been following all this time.

Should I laugh, or should I wail?

And your darling clearly has an attitude problem. She respects neither you nor your wife.

So when I just politely suggest that he may want to look into discipline, he raises his eyebrows with this skeptism that makes me want to shake my head.

I guess I was too nosey. My dad said so, in fact.

Which is why, I was thinking...why should I bother with discipline?

But but but, he then said,

I want her to respect you. If you are just doing childcare, how is she going to learn to respect you?

I am not sure if he ever realize that discipline works with me only when the parents work with me?

If you are always going to send them to bed at 11pm (an earlier meeting saw us agreeing to tuck them into bed at 10pm), then they are always going to have problems waking up. Then every morning, I will have to fear for my arms.

Your wife was the one who suggested locking the pantry room up and we all agreed that that will hinder her snacking. You haven't done anything so far (and I seriously don't think he will do anything).

She tried to kick me. She threw a pencil at me. She grabbed my hand and almost broke it. You said you can't possibly hit her with the strap for every single wrong she did. You said that I should start small but you also said that you wouldn't hesitate to punish her if she had done something so disrespectful. Then, you tell me you wonder how childcare from discipline should be separated.

Am I asking too much? Am I complaining too much?

And I told them as a matter-of-fact...for the first time, I was considering a rematch.

The truth is, I don't know if it is a good idea. I can get a better family, or I can get a worse one.

Well, the thing is, I kind of not want to go. I don't love it here. I don't love the kids. I don't love the parents either.

But I am doing ok.

You know what I mean?

I think all this is happening because I need to learn how to live (and I mean, literally, live) with difficult people and let's just say that I am almost certain God will give me someone else that is cranky if I opt for a rematch.

But I am thinking...is this worth it?

Is all this worth it?

I don't feel the least happy, to be honest. I am not in the best of moods.

I feel defeated and disappointed but I am not sure if a change will do me good.

And it is ironic because the parents were telling me....

You should be having fun! You shouldn't feel so miserable. You volunteered for this!

I know that. I do.

You shouldn't be living in fear and depression and misery and worry.

Maybe you want to talk to the other au pairs about it?

Maybe it is a cultural difference?

I think his implicit meaning was, I think this is typical of American kids. You have to rough up to
fit in.

Maybe you could try a few stuff to win the kids' favor.
(And he gave me some suggestions.)

Um...I guess the question I am asking myself is, should I be trying so hard for respect, something that is so basic?

And the dad also added,

I was just telling (my wife), maybe this was just not a good match.

And I wonder too.

They told me if I was considering rematch, please go ahead, although they said that they will feel bad should I end up with a bad family.

I was told that that was sales talk. Really? That would really break my heart.

...

I don't have a clear stand, to be honest.

If you ask me, I very much want to go. But like I say, I am hesitant because I want to finish up the few things I have started.

On the top of my list, RCIA.

Am I selfish?

Yeah, if you say so.

Whatever it is, it is just me here alone.

Facing them. Facing her.

All alone.