Seeking for the balance

Sometimes, emotions are better articulated when they are confronted right away.

Which is something I should have done, which um, I didn't do so I guess the only right now is to write about the stale emotions and its afterthoughts.

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Frankly, I am not doing *that* badly here.

Like I said, I have been told that there are worse families and my family is supposedly good already.

I choose to believe that too.

But you see, there are many uncertainties which I am still addressing and insecurities that I cannot overcome.

Like you know, the previous Au Pair will always say things like "I know you think I shouldn't be doing these chores as an Au Pair but I don't mind because you think they may not see it, but they do!"

"They come home so busy and they see it!"

"And you may not think that it is worth it, but it is! I have got my reward."

I am not sure if it is a tangible or untangible one, but I am guessing it is the former.

So I start asking myself, do I bother?

Say, if they will reward me with a cash price/ reward of 2000, will I be impressed?

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Will you?

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I can't say anything more except that I will be disgusted.

I am sure you are puzzled with my reaction.

But yes, I will be disgusted. Very utterly disgusted.

I can't say for sure this is the irksome part of the whole unhappiness but it is certainly one of them.

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Let me ask you this:

If your maid tells you (I have to use 'maid' because that is the easiest to relate to) tells you she has got a bad back pain and you have seen her fall down and then she tells you she has been to the doctor/ masseur and it helped, what is your first question?

Your very first question.

What is it?

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I would ask her how she is. I would ask her if she is better.

Would you?

I thought most people would, and should...but like I say, most, which means there are exceptions.

And while you may be the exception and I do not despise you, I would not think that you would be the ideal employer for me.

Get the drift???

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I have been having the impression that this family is one who uses their wealth to flaunt about pretty much.

Yes, they are wealthy. They have a big house.

Yes, they are rich. Their house has a big garden.

Yes, they have four cars, one of which is a Sports car which is pretty expensive.

Yes, they have high-paying jobs and they can even afford to hire an Au pair.

But there is something which is lacking. I can't identify exactly but it is something that is making my whole stay not so pleasant.

Call it lack of affection. Call it lack of concern. No, those are not exactly the right words.

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And I also remember what the previous Au Pair always like to say too.

"They have brought me to so many places. It is all worth it already"

Worth it? Hhmmm...

Sorry, but I really do think we share the same consensus about life here if that is her way of judging.

I came here to see NY. I came here to experience life as a New Yorker. And now, all I can do all day is stare at my computer or Tv and listen to Internet Radio, blog or um...check and write emails.

I didn't come here to do that.

I came here to learn dancing in one of the best dance studios in Broadway. I came here to learn Spanish at the Institute of Spanish Instruction. I came here to train with one of the world's best yoga teachers.

I came here to explore the place, to determine if I could stay here for a while and experience the rich culture.

But right now, I feel like a bird trapped in a cage.

And pardon me, I do really feel they ought to hire a maid rather than an Au Pair. Maybe that will do the job.

Having said that, however, I am still determined to finish this one year. Because I really want to finish my RCIA.

For everything else, let's just say, we will keep fingers crossed.

Maybe at the end, I may just be able to find out how my scale work.