Looking for my mustard seed-sized faith

My mood has taken on a roller-coaster ride for the past few days.

I was feeling empowered on Friday, in distraught on Saturday and a little more calm and composed today.

How on earth did this happen, I haven't the least idea.

I only remember snippets of events. I suppose well, memory can be a transient thing.

Friday was a nice and cozy day because I did my laundry and the girls' quilts. I felt so achieved! They were massive quilts!

I don't hate housework at all. Trust me, I don't loathe it.

But when I realize it was more of a fair share of work, I can't say I am the least happy about it.

You see, when I came home from the city yesterday, there were TONS of plates in the sink. There was the pot on the oven. Come on, they packed their dinner. The pot must have been from LUNCH.

What time was it? It was close to 7pm. And the pot was still there.

The next thing I knew, the lady came down and TOLD me (Maybe I wouldn't have been so pissed if she had asked me but no, she didn't ask me; she told me simply) "We are going out. I hope you don't mind the kids."

And they left. Like that.

Huh? What if I mind? It was my day off!

Come on! Give me a break. Is this fair? You didn't even bother to ask if I mind?????????

I don't know, that really added onto the disgruntlement that I was feeling deep down inside.

What other disgruntlement is there, you ask.

Oh well...

You see, I was told that the average American family pays about 1800 a month for a normal Au Pair.

I found it out when I visited the chiropractor yesterday.

Yes, I have misaligned spine and dislocated bones in my pelvis.

How did it happen? Um, when you fall down on the same spot three times, and twice, it had to be some flight of stairs?

Oh well, it is a lot of money to get it treated. But the thing is, nobody could do anything for me when I was back home.

Back in Singapore, nobody has been able to stare at me in the face and promise me they will get me well.

Really, I am not kidding. And that is why I am almost resigned to my fate of occasional weak limbs and feeble feet. And really, I am not joking. You don't hear me whining about the pain because I prefer to be hushed about it. I don't need the whole world to know I am in pain, right?

The truth is, life hasn't been the same since my fall 3 years back. Things have just gotten worst when I had my last fall.

When the guy was telling me about my anatomy problems, I was quite distraughted.

He told me that I can't do exercise for three months and that after that, I shouldn't be doing yoga anymore.

I bet the many of you know how in love with yoga I am, and how I have planned for teachers' training in my stay here.

I kept thinking to myself, why me? Why do I have this complicated problem?

So anyway, it really isn't pleasant for me to be told that I have been exploited. Because, imagine, if I had been on a 2000 salary, I wouldn't need to even think thrice about going through the treatment.

But I do, because I do not garner that fat a pocket. What fills my pocket is probably a fourth of the money.

How much is the session? Each part he 'fixes' costs $60. He fixed my right hip bone and my tailbone yesterday and that was $120. Oh well...

And so, I was already feeling despondent and dejected. Why do I always have issues with money!?

Which is why, when I reached home and only dirty dishes greeted me, I wasn't the least impressed.

Believe me, it has happened a zillion times before already. Which is why I am pissed!

I am not happy doing it because I feel that I am doing more than my share of the dishwashing. They are just cooking, eating and leaving it in the sink when hello! They have a dishwasher!!!!

Anyway...

Like I say, it was a down down down yesterday.

I went to sleep (now, I am sleeping on the floor because the guy said it would be a better cushion for my spine instead of that mattress because God knows how long it has been slept on already) feeling very sad and sorry for myself.

...

And then I woke up with the most amazing transformation.

I decided I was going to be tough. Maybe I didn't decide it; God decided and put that thought in my head.

I thought about many things, about how I want to get well and how I will give the chiropractor a chance (well, I wasn't quite decided because it is really a lot of money).

And I thought about how I will capitalize on the opportunities.

You know, the thing about monetary value is that while it can be the root of all evil, it is also the best method to tag the value of anything. Best method to date, at least.

I must confess that I did once again feel like packing my bag and leaving after the chiropractor's session...but then I realize,

come on! Why should I do that? I must stay here and get my money's worth at least, isn't it?

I have already started on RCIA. I must get through with it.

The family is planning a vacation in Feb. The last I have heard, we are going to Mexico...but just this morning, I heard it is Florida. Whatever it is, I want to go!

I can eat and use as much as I want.

I haven't taken my classes yet. I want to at least take my classes so that I qualify for the completion bonus!

Come on!

And I figured, it is always easy to give up and surrender...but somehow, this is just a test of patience and faith.

Like today's first reading 'For the vision still has its times, presses on to fulfillment, and will not disappoint; if it delays, wait for it, it will surely come, it will not be late'.
Habakkuk; 2:3-4

The question is, do I have the patience?

And I can't exclaim how relevant today's readings are but here is the Gospel for this Sunday:

The Lord replied "If you have faith the size of a mustard seed, you would say to the mulberry tree, 'Be uprooted and planted in the sea, and it would obey you."
Luke 17: 6-10

Which I must confess, I haven't got faith.

I never had faith that my spine will get better. I never had the faith that things will turn out right in the end.

And so I will muster faith.

It is unfathomable, like a deep hole. We will always have doubts, but that is the thing. It thrives when there is doubt.

Because the more you are doubtful, and the more you begin to pray, you will realize more doors do open.

And that is what I will do from this moment.

I hope you have your faith planted somewhere too.