The truth always hurt

When I was in DC, I received a call from PY.


She is my friend from orientation. She is from Shanghai.


She was quite homesick during orientation and she complained a lot, from the cold food to the weather to what-have-you.


But she was quite fond of me and we kind of hit it off.


She was supposed to be in Chicago and we talked on the phone a few times. It was the usual. She would complain about the problems she was facing and all. So most of the time, I just needed to be Aunt Agony.


Come to think of it, I think I really do a good job at being Aunt Agony. I like listening to people and I am very happy people trust me.


Anyway, the newest news was that she was now in Virginia (where I was when I received the call but of course, Virginia is very big) because she had been rematched.

What!? Re-matched?????????????????????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I didn't call her back immediately because I was really tired (I called her on my way back and we agreed that I will visit her next April--a long time, but well, something to look forward to).

I guess...really, the program has its hideous sides. Trust me.

N had gone through an unpleasant host family in Connecticut and that was why she decided to go on rematch. From her, I heard more scary stories. There is a host dad asking his au pair to have s...(fill in the blanks yourself; you are probably right); au pairs who don't get to use the car; au pairs made to work for 50 hours (by right, we are supposed to work for 44 hours only; I work only around 35 hours). The list goes on.

I was infuriated by what I heard and from what PY told me.

The kids couldn't be attached to her and the parents hence decided to have a rematch.

That I can understand.

What I cannot understand is the verbal humiliation she had to face from her community counselor "Please. Just get yourself a ticket back home to....!" and the fact that the host family had refused her lodging even for her last night.

And the worst thing is, along the rematch process, the counselor had deliberately withheld her information from interested prospective families.

What the....

Like what N said, we are here as cheap labour already and it is very saddening to know that people would do this to us.

(Fyi: a professional au pair can earn up to US $200 an hour. She usually doesn't stay in with the kids and the family.)

I mean while I blog about my emotions, I do know that I have one of the better families around.

(Although the way N described her family made me want to yield for more...I guess greed is part of human nature. We are constantly dissatisfied. I must curb that habit. I must... )

And then what PY said hit me hard...

"Don't expect too much from this program. I tell you, just get the best out of this one year and go home. The people here are bad."

I don't know if it is really that bad but like I said, beside PY, I know of other counselors who have manipulated the situation.

"Open your eyes! Come on! Don't expect them to side with you! You are here only for a year and the families are here for eternity! They are the customers! Why should they do anything for your benefit!?"

It is all very painful to know.

I never once expected this program to have such an ugly side. I guess I was wrong.

Although I would choose to believe that just like there are bad employers who abuse their maids, there are good kind-hearted souls who genuinely believe in the equality of mankind and the respect for all fellow human beings.

Having said that, let's just say that I now have fears of rematching.

Initially, I was thinking (as you can trace my entries) of switching to another family in my extension year.

After hearing these terrible stories and knowing how my counselor is like, I don't even dare to conceive the thought anymore.

I hate this feeling very much, because I hate to be the passenger. I always like to be the driver so that I can steer myself to new courses.

But really, I guess the question I have for myself now is,

Do what I want to pursue justify the very decision of staying behind?

Things are turning out better. I take the initiative to talk and play and all. I take the initiative to try to attract her attention.

The truth is, I work very hard. I do.

I work so hard I realize I have to bury my tears inside somehow.

And while we are slowly hitting it off, I don't know why I still don't believe that this is the perfect match.

To a certain extent, maybe I feel I am trying too hard. But, isn't that a part of life? A constant struggle as we continously challenge ourselves?

...

Consistently, I tell myself to stay engaged in the thought of living in the moment.

I tell myself to stop jumping into the future and deciding if I should stay or leave.

It is just hard. Hard.

And finally, I realize--after my visit to DC--why I didn't feel the match.

Because I am seeking for a God-centered family.

I was seeking for a family who goes to Mass every week. Who sits at the table and prays before meals. Who says thanks for their blessings in life. Whose life goes beyond the sleek upfront of a big and comfortable house.

And while this inner search has not been satisfied, all I can say is, I am happy with where I am right now.

Happy in terms of making the best and most out of it.

And all I can do is to have the faith to believe that whatever I have right now, is the best I can be.

Because life effectively evolves over little small minute steps.

Invisible to the naked eye.

Accesible only by faith.

And so with a quote from Weilu (many thanks, sis =D)

"God, if life is so many things that I am not, and never will be, give me the strength to be what I am."
- Gaby Brimmer, a disabled writer and activist with celebral palsy