I just hope I won't be defeated

I started my first day of 'job' yesterday.

I said 'job' because it is not really my job. It is just something I do for initiation.

For that first chance that will turn into something hopefully bigger in future.

No, I am still waiting for prospective employers to get back to me. I have written to a few prospective organizations and I am waiting...

No, nobody has got back to me yet.

So yes, I am a little vexed...not exactly because nobody is getting back to me, but kind of related to that.

Because my parents keep thinking I am not looking hard enough.

But I am trying my best already. I really am.

...

I just want to sigh.

My mum just brought up one facet of the past which I have absolutely no recollection of.

She said, during my volunteer trip to Vietnam, she had asked me not to go, but I had insisted.

She said because of her surgery then, she had requested that I not go. But I hadn't heeded her call.

She said she had hit my brother hard because he had refused to run her errands and she was physically bleeding and what not.

Um, I am very disappointed in her when I heard that.

Why disappointed?

Because...just when I thought she and I were both ready to start on a fresh sheet of paper, she brought this up.

I mean, can I cite the thousand and one times when she had broken my heart? I can..., I think, if I want to.

But I have chosen not to. And I have chosen to not bring it into my memory never again.

Why is it, at this phase of life, does she still want to cling on to the past?

What good does it do?

I don't have an answer, and I bet I never will. Because I will never be her. And I don't ever want to be her.

So I am lying if I said I am not affected.

Um...I know her memory can be corrupted so exactly how true it is, I hold my reservations.

I am pissed, yes. I am pissed because I am not even sure if it is true or not...and here I am, having to bear with her grieved outpourings all because she saw this painting which aroused her particular facet of memory.

Whatever.

You know, I am at home not because I choose to be at home. I am at home because I need to be at home. Else, who will mop the floor?

Definitely not her.

I have mopped the kitchen floors and the living room floors.

Nowadays, I try to wash the dishes when I can.

Yes, I am beginning to become like an ama de casa.

I am not saying I am a filial kid or what. I am far from one, I clearly know.

But at moments when I get snapped at like this, I am not sure why I am doing it when my mum is not working.

And I shall not venture on to discuss it either.

...

I can only say that it is difficult to live life the way it should be lived out. Slowly. One day at a time.

The waiting will be hard. Like how it is now. Waiting for prospective employers to get back to me.

Waiting, because whether I get a temporary job offer or a permanent job offer will determine if I stay in Singapore next year.

I am anxious. I am nervous.

And I am worried too.

All because I don't know if I can handle God's decision.

I know it sounds very phantom-ish to liken all life's happenings to God.

But that is what faith is about, isn't it? If you have a faith, you will understand.

Living the life out when you have no explanations.

I still hear voices in my head telling me to do this and I still wonder about the feasibility of it. But when that happens, I try to remind myself of what R is always telling me:

Believe that that voice is God's.

And really, I do that.

I still have doubts of course, since I am human.

But I try to do it nonetheless.

...

All I can say is, for now, I am glad that I picked up some aspects of my life.

I have my Chinese Diploma classes. I have a part-time Chinese teaching job. I am going to start my RCIA (say YAY!) next Wednesday.

I do my fair share of household duties. I pay for some of the groceries.

I am looking around for dance class and art class. And no, I can't really pick them up until I find a job because I have no dineros.

Life is hard. It is.

So hard that I want to cry.

So hard that I sometimes wish I hadn't done my Masters but had instead thought harder about the next 5 years when I was 22.

But yes, I hadn't thought hard. And so, I rightfully reap the fruits of my impulsiveness.

Sometimes I still lament that God is unfair. For giving me such an unfavourable situation to clear up.

But well, maybe God didn't intend for there to be that mess. Maybe it is because I had chosen for the mess to unfold.

Really, life is all about choices. The Matrix is right.

It is just that many a times, we can't really see what the choices will escalate into.

We always think it is just an innocent decision. Only to realize that it is but a naive thought we try to conveniently console ourselves with.

...

And worry not. I may be complaining the hell out in this entry, but I am still generally happy.

I genuinely am.

Let's just say, all I really hope is for myself to have that open a heart to accept what God has in store for me, whatever it may be.

And that no matter what happens, I will never stray from His word.

It is not easy I know. But like I said before,

Life is meant to be hard.

It was, it is, and it always will be.

But we were meant to rise above it.

We were always meant to not stay defeated.