If you believe

The sharing last night was about the great moments of joy and pain in our lives.

I was hesitant about the sharing but I went along with it anyway. However, I started with a disclaimer that said "This may affect your opinion of me but well, this is really the way it is..."

And I shared about my relationship with my mum.

I shared about that slap at 14, and how things hadn't been good since and how I have wanted to run away from home. How I cannot stand staying under the same roof with her, how I cannot fathom the idea of the rest of our lives together.

Maybe that is why I actually miss being on Long Island.

I was stunned at my own thoughts. Just what is wrong with me? When I was inside it, I had tried so hard to fight it. I was so positive that was the decision. And to think that I had thought through it so thoroughly! And wasn't I absolutely positive that the best decision was to return home?

Where was that strong inclination?

...

Well, I have reservations penning this entry too. I mean, I am positive that this entry may render me a target for squashed tomatoes and rotten eggs, not just for you, but for myself too.

*attempts to look for a pail to put tomatoes and eggs in*

And the truth is, I can't understand what I am thinking either. I am as fed-up as you are, if you are. Ha.

So really, just what am I thinking?

...

If you ask me, do I think I am alone in dealing with these sort of problems, I would say no.

True to what I thought, I wasn't the only one.

Family issues are taboo if you are a typical conservative and traditional Chinese. I breached the taboo by sharing that one and only slap I had got and in return, I got my team members to open up a bit more of themselves.

Frankly, I am sure we have had these moments of family confrontation and conflict, all of us, at certain points in our lives.

The truth is, while we all have our own stories to tell, it is just that some of us are emotionally stronger and are able to stare at it in the face. Others, crumble under the pressure.

I would think that I am still crumbling, although I am seeking for divine intervention for the strength to stand up.

As what the sharing session was about--seeking for the divine side of God to be in us.

When confronted with problems, there are undeniably always at least two options: fight it, or leave it, to God.

One of the members shared about a family member's fight with cancer. And I thought that indeed all these little struggles and hiccups in life are like cancer cells.

Malignant or benign they become, you actually have a say.

...

I keep thinking about life in Long Island these days because of the opportunities I felt that I have missed.

Why can't I let it go?

Well, and I can tell you it is because life under the same roof is not as pleasant as what I had imagined it to be.

Maybe that's just the fact of life. Absence does serve as a useful platform for tolerance and respect.

And so I brood. I harp. And I wonder why I can't have sucked it all up for a while more.

And I imagine that if I had suck it up, what I would have been able to achieve.

And of course, escape from. Ha.

Writing all these makes me want to laugh. I find my thoughts so ironic.

Because deep down inside, I know that I had returned home because it was time. I had thought through it carefully enough to know that I had returned home so that I can go away in future (I know that this is very hard to understand). And the thing is, I know that God was leading me home...

I mean, yes, while it had dawned onto me these few days that even with the skills and qualifications I have, I may still not get the chance to return to that part of the world and finish up the things as I had hoped to.

But still, even if I had stayed on, would I definitely have been able to do that?

Can I run away from the calling of my conscience and do my things in peace and serenity?

...

Frankly, I don't think it is wrong to indulge in the 'what-if's once in a while. It is after all, human nature to conjure up possibilities and be blown away by the possibilities.

I guess I am just annoyed at my own thoughts because I am taking eternity to grow out of this unfitting old mould.

I indulge in the 'what-ifs' too much too frequently. Even when I am clear about the course of action and the reasons of it.

It is clearly a personality fault. Which is time to grow out of.

I was talking to H yesterday and she told me to learn to not take responsibility for everything.

Thinking about it with a clearer state of mind, I know that she is right.

I am not responsible for everything, so why do I want to believe that?

I had come a long way in learning to stand up for what I believe in. I had taken 6 months to learn the lesson of valuing my worth and my beliefs and the very essence of my being, and am I going to throw time away like that?

That would really be painful, to have to struggle with my own self.

And why can't I just leave the fate of my life to God? What do I not trust? In myself, or in God?

...

...really, I kind of think maybe despite all that I believe God can do, I never once believe He will help me with this baggage.

...

Maybe then it is time to believe.

Maybe then it is time to truly understand that God can do what humans can't.

Maybe then it is time to leave it to God, so that He will do the rest.

Maybe then it is time to just concentrate on my life now, and stop recounting the past which never happened.

Maybe then today is the day I will start believing.