27 steps up the mountain

It is raining again this morning.

Another gloomy and almost-stormy (the meterologist forecast thunders, but they haven't reached us yet) day.

I don't like the rain (but I like Sun Yan-zi though).

(Did you just scratch your head? Um, Sun Yan-zi sang yu tian and tian hei hei wah...oki, never mind.)

Anyway, I don't like the rain. So it makes me gloomy too.

...

It was my birthday yesterday.

It wasn't one that was estupendamente.

Why, you asked?

Hhmm, maybe because I didn't get treats?

Hhmm, maybe because I didn't get many presents?

Hhmm, maybe it is because I didn't get many cards?

Hhmm, maybe it is because I feel forgotten?

I don't know.

I really don't know.

But the radio show yesterday did give me a bit of an insight.

The dee-jay was reflecting on how she was feeling down during the Chinese New Year, a season she usually associated with joy and happiness.

As in, on other years, she would be very excited. But this year, she wasn't feeling that way at all.

It was on a talk show and there was a guest who had been invited to sit in to offer her opinions.

Apparently, it was all a matter of being overburdened.

And as the dee-jay reflected, she had to agree.

She was preparing for her two-month study while trying to meet deadlines at work.

In other words, there were competing priorities everywhere. And her psyche just couldn't manage it.

Is that me? Gee, I don't know.

But I do feel disgruntlement. That, I have to confess.

There are some things that I badly want to shake off, which I will hence not bring to discussion anymore. If you had read my previous blog before I left for the US, you will know what it is. Sadly, it is still the same thing.

Sadly and disappointingly, nothing has changed. When I would have assumed otherwise.

I guess I was too naive.

You know, we still have misgivings por supesto (of course); I just decide not to brood about it.

Exactly how hard that is, I can't comment. I can only say, sometimes I really feel like taking a stool and wrecking everything in my sight.

Eh, and to think I have always thought I am amicable (coughs) and easy-going (coughs again). Maybe I do have violence tendencies too huh! So everyone beware!

But these days I take the option of taking a stroll in the park downstairs. I may not always return home with a clear head (sometimes the mosquitoes get the better of me and I return more flustered...haha) but the teary eyes do really make me feel slightly better.

Yes, I am a cry-er. I don't feel ashamed by that.

Just that day, she had asked me why I cry. "Why are you crying when you are so old already?"

And I retorted "MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS".

It is not something I would have imagined that I could say, or that I will ever say. But I had said it.

With a tone that I have never imagined to use.

Did I mean it? Had I accidentally let it all off? Had I unknowingly hurt someone's feelings?

The thing is, before I left for US, I was always taking it down. (Yes, you will know too, right? Now you know why my previous blog is black?) Whatever people said, however wrong it may be, however unjustified it was, I had taken it all down inside.

Just so that there will be peace. For everybody.

I was a bottle. A bottle that was bottomless.

That could take all nonsense indefinitely.

Or so I had hoped to be. Or aspired to become.

So when everyone has had their feel cursing and scolding and lamenting, I was left bruised. By the many unkind words which are probably unintentional.

Please note, I do know that they are unintentional. I just don't have the same practice because I mean things that I say.

So when I was confronted that day, and I lost it, I just said the things that I really had felt for a long time--good-for-nothing, loafer,...

It doesn't matter if he processes it and gets hurt. He had hurt me in the first place.

...

The fact is, I don't know if this change is good.

But it does feel good to stand up for myself.

And so, I guess this period of gloominess is something I have to fight.

They don't like the idea of my prospective job. Because...to them, it is not a 'proper' job.

I don't know why. I don't steal and I don't rob.

But maybe that is the way it is. I would never do things that make them happy.

I acknowledge the fact that we have competing requests. I acknowledge the fact that we have differing requests.

I also acknowledge the fact that no matter what we do, it is not going to please 100%.

I acknowledge that as long as I can account to my conscience and to God, nothing else really matters.

What good does pointing fingers do? If I may point fingers, should I point my fingers at my parents for the lack of financial planning? Or should I point my fingers for their lack of financial education?

Or do I point my finger at my brother for being a skiver, and a good-for-nothing?

Or maybe I should point my finger at myself for not having the courage and the psyche to walk away from home and live independently on my own? (And then I can point fingers at myself for not being filial with all the other fingers that are pointing at me.)

I am doing my best. That I am positive.

I have a wandering heart. I am trying my very best to curb it.

I so much want to run away, that I have to confess. But I have chosen not to this time round, for now at least, to stay put and climb this step.

I remember reading once, that life is like climbing a mountain (no, it is not a box of chocolates; I don't like chocolates). You cannot look down; you just have to keep your head up.

You have to persevere every step--because only when you make the effort without sticking your hands in the pockets, can you climb.

You cannot hesitate too long; you just have to keep on walking.

And when you get to the top of the mountain, you will see the magnificent view.

You will then appreciate it.

It is a difficult analogy, but I hope it will work for you if you are in a difficult situation right now.

As I was sharing with my mum, we all have crosses. That is using the Christian perspective.

Maybe for you, you can liken life to a mountain.

We all have mountains to climb, some smaller than others. Some steeper than others.

From afar, someone else's mountain may look easier; well, I can only say that the grass will always look greener on the other side.

Whatever it is, your mountain is personalized. By the many little decisions in your life which you never thought mattered.

(Wah, I sound so philosophical).

And if I ponder to reflect on myself a day after my birthday, I have to confess that 6mth stint in the USA was really worthwhile.

At the very least, I have learnt to stand up for myself.

And not have to put up with nonsense which I find ridiculous.

...

Anyway, I am kidding about the presents and the cards and the feeling about being forgotten.

(I hope you realized that!)

I am grateful that you are reading my blog and sharing my journey with me. That is what really matters.

Everyday is a birthday. If I am living true to my core everyday.

And I do hope we will scale hand-in-hand all the mountains in our lives together.