The turning point I never saw

I met up with T today. He is another of my buddies.

This is the first time we have caught up since I came back (which is um, good...because I haven't been able to catch up with many people. My bad...).

I met him after work. After my language stint in the Orchard place.

I like Saturdays in general, although I really loathe the first few moments when I am sleepy and sluggish because I lack sleep. But I like the moments thereafter because I can 'stone' on the way to work.

...

If you recall, I shared about my previous RCIA session, which was about turning points, and how God may have been present in each of them.

I had related to my group about that particular revelation in church, when I had seen this lady's back view who reminded me of my mum and I had cried in response.

Which then got me to realize that I was ready to go home.

It was an apparent turning point, that moment in church, when I decided to put down the heavy stone in my heart and heal.

The truth is, making the decision to finally let it all go is a difficult decision. It is...

I was led into thinking that by having misgivings about my mum, I can make my life better.

Obviously, that hadn't happen. And obviously, it wasn't going to happen. I just don't know why I had to take so long to realize that.

But anyhow, something else struck me in my 'stoning' journey today.

It was as usual a very packed train, even though it was 7am-ish in the morning.

Seated in front of me was a guy reading a Japanese instructional book. He had a PA envelope tucked under the book. I kind of wonder if he was a trainer with PA.

There was a lady standing in front of him (beside me, that is). She looked at him in amazement.

As I shifted to somewhere else, there was an Indian lady dressed in traditional Indian costume, who looked very concentrated in her preparation for a presentation about Indian Montessori Kindergartens. I certainly hope I can do a better job than her when I present.

There was a Chinese immigrant worker who was very tired from standing and immediately lunged himself onto the vacant seat.

There were two officials from the Immigration Department. They had something important to attend to at 9am.

Was I being particularly attentive?

No, I wouldn't think so.

Remember, I was tired and sluggish from the lack of sleep.

And then the revelation hit me.

Turning point.

The trip to the US.

The trip to the US was a turning point for me, wasn't it?

...

I remember acutely F telling me how I have become more cheerful after this little journey out.

R echoed her sentiments.

If you had been a frequent visitor of my former blog, maybe you would agree too.

Even I myself am amazed at the changes within me (gee, sounds like some line a pregnant woman will say...diao).

And it hit me then why I was happier these days.

I am still me. No disguise. No cloning technology.

But I didn't need to repress anything anymore.

And more importantly, I accept the things that I have to accept (ha, because I don't really have a choice).

Vividly in my mind as I 'sucked in' the sights on the train is this incident at Penn Station.

It was another Saturday and I had just missed the train back to Long Island.

Manhattan is connected to Long Island via the Long Island Railroad. Trains to my area run twice hourly, one at ..11, and another at ..40. The former is an 'express' local, while the latter is a local local.

I remember I had missed the ..11 train (which is very annoying because the ..40 train journey is half an hour longer) and I decided to browse in Penn Books.

Incidentally, I came to this stack of 'gift books' which were exquisite little books meant to be presented as gifts of inspiration and love. A guy was browsing.

As I looked at the few books, I picked one up and in the process chatted up with the guy (which I later found out that he wanted to buy for his girlfriend).

He said he wanted to buy the book for her so that she will be uplifted in this very gloomy and depressed society.

(And if you ask me, yes, I find New York very depressed a city, but that is just me.)

I said something which I can't believe to this day had come out from my system (remember, I am a closet melancholy person).

"Happiness must come within the individual herself. There is nothing much you can do besides buying her some gifts and hoping that it will cheer her up. She has to want to be happy."

Wha, right? Wha...

And I told him, "Bring her on a holiday. Tell her how much you want her to be happy."

Wha...

...

I can still recall what R told me with regard to my habit of wearing earphones on the train.

For me, it was to drown my inner voice. For him, it was a hindrance to hearing that inner voice.

Inner voices. Who ever believes in them? Who ever needs them?

Um...I don't have an answer to them.

But the thing is, I have realized that trying to hear the inner voice may be the thing that I need to learn to do.

There is so much chatter everywhere. The whole world is flooded with noise, noise that we don't need.

What we need most is that voice within, isn't it?

As T and I were talking about the outlook for each of our lives, I have to confess that that conversation has got me thinking about some other aspect of my life that I want to work on.

...

I know sometimes, nowadays, my blog sounds more like an entry from one of those inspirational self-help books.

Frankly, I am not sure if you need that (considering you are my audience...).

(But frankly too, I am not sure how many people are still reading my blog since I have no more adventures anymore...haha)

But that is really me right now.

T asked me if I am happy upon returning to Singapore.

Of course, I am...amidst the many grumbles I poured out to you on this blog.

I am because I know what I am doing.

Yes, there are moments when the going gets tough, so tough I don't know how to carry on.

But I really do believe in the possibility of all things.

ALL THINGS.

As long as you believe in it enough and want it to happen so much that you put your desires and beliefs into actions.

Maybe it is because of my faith (I can do all things in Christ who strengthens me; Phil 4:13).

Maybe it is because of the experience.

Maybe it is because of the paradigm shift.

Maybe...it is just the way I am meant to be.

I really don't think I was like this before. I know I was positive, but not so believing.

Frankly, all I want to do right now is to have the courage to live out this phase of my life which I so believe in.

No, it won't be easy.

But I will make it happen. For my life to be just the way I want it to be.