A good decision

Once again, I am not so sure as to how I should write this entry.

*takes a deep breath* *Maybe the oxygen will help me pen my thoughts*

*I am not sure but I would like to believe that it has helped*

The RCIA session last night focused on the family and how it has shaped you to become the person you are.

How uncanny a coincidence.

So really, how has my family shaped me?

To be honest, my most immediate reply would be that it has not done anything.

Because I didn't grow up with my parents, remember?

But that is of course, just a superficial answer.

Por supuesto, my parents had influenced me in a variety of ways.

Even by not interfering---think about it. Isn't no choice a choice?

And if no choice is a choice, isn't all choices an option too?

Whatever it is, I have to confess I used to hate the way I am.

And to be frank, once in a while, the sentiment resurfaces.

I hate my humble upbringings, and the fact that I am burdened with their burden.

I hate their lack of planning and their take-it-as-it-is-and-Heaven-will-help-when-necessary mentality.

The truth is, I still believe that God helps those who help themselves.

That aside, I am thankful that I tried to be the best I can.

(Gee, sounds like some speech people say when they are going to die hoh? Aiyoh, no la. Please don't get the wrong idea. I am merely doing some reflections)

My parents offered me a humble upbringing. Unfortunately, my relatives were the mercenary ones.

I can remember being compared to my same age cousin and her brother, who were the highest achievers in my paternal family.

All the time. For as long as I can remember.

(My maternal family is more relaxed. Thank God. Can you imagine two walls cornering me? One is quite enough...really.)

One became a doctor. One became a lawyer.

And for a while, I was really upset about things that my uncle had said (I think he said it when I was quite young, say 10 years old thereabouts?).

My daughter will become a lawyer and yours (telling to my dad) will be just a clerk outside the lawyer's office.

I remember feeling very bitter.

My dad? He can just laugh. He is always like that.

And what else can I say? I can only pretend I didn't understand, even when they were speaking in Mandarin.

Deep down inside, I told myself that I will never let his 'vision' materialize.

And that I was going to be bigger than a clerk outside the lawyer's office.

As to what construes 'bigger', then, I hadn't the least idea. I just know I must perform, and I must make him swallow his words.

At least that was really what I had told myself.

So, really, my high-achieving, perfectionist nature is not without basis. I mean, yes, I was already doing relatively well in school; that incident (coupled with another in my toddler years) just spurred me harder.

Is it a good thing?

Ha, I don't know.

I can't judge, can I? But anyhow, I have to just say, maybe I am melancholy in nature, maybe I am always trying to be more achieving, I am still happy at the way I turned out.

(I am not sure if I would have said the same thing had I not gone to the States).

A good person, at the very least.

That is important, isn't it?

I am not perfect, but at least, I know my heart is clean and pure. (um..although sometimes I have to confess that I wish my heart was a little blacker, then I can be nonchalant about the many vexing issues in my life. Ah-ha! Escapism!)

But really, what I mean to say with this entry is...

(Apparently, there had been comments that I tell good stories...as in my 'plot' development in my blog is interesting. I hope this entry still carries that flavour. *smiles*)

I am not sure if my decision to take up the position is the best thing I can do.

But I am sure, I am doing it not because of my own needs/wants and that makes me contented.

Wait..what am I saying?

...

I have accepted a full-time position at a company.

Yes...*cringe*

It is not something I had imagined.

The thing is, going back to my previous institution is more favourable, in terms of time resource allocation.

But financially, it is a little tough.

No, it is not that they don't pay me well. It is just that...(I will explain in a while).

The current offer requires a 42-hour work week, and they are actually able to work around the timings I take my Diploma course.

One tick.

They pay me CPF (um...I have never really had much contributions and I need it...kind of).

One tick.

They allow me to engage in resource planning.

One tick.

The pay allows me to plan ahead.

Two ticks.

If you would believe it, my heart goes out to working in the Polytechnic.

For one, I will have ample time to study. For my Chinese course exams which happen almost every month.

And for my Japanese course.

And for me to revise my Spanish before I head back for a level placement test (and yes, I will take it up again--I just don't know when because I don't have the time right now).

How many ticks is that?

Three ticks.

But if you level it out, and putting my long-term plan into perspective, it is not something I can manage with.

And really, if you think about it, I didn't really take up this job for myself.

I take it up for them.

Silly? Maybe.

Stupid? Maybe.

But am I regretful? Am I hateful? Am I resentful?

...

No.

Surprisingly.

I don't know how much you know of my future plans...but one thing is for sure, the States was not meant to be my last stop.

(Wait, I say this in my perspective. Of course, if God makes me stay in Singapore, I cannot actually do anything.)

I still want to explore Japan. Central America.

Shanghai. Taiwan.

And because of that, I need to work towards that plan.

Right?

...

Life is not a bed of roses. It never was meant to be.

At any one time, we are climbing. Or we are resting.

The way I see it: I have climbed a bit. Maybe it is time to rest.

How long will I rest?

I don't know...I give myself 1 year-1 and a half years.

If I get the Japan stint, good.

If I don't get the Japan stint, then I will take a short holiday to Central America and stay there for a month or two.

(Again, I emphasize, these are merely plans in my little neural network, which I plan to execute. I may not be able to do it, but I will work towards it.)

Then I will re-examine my options (and hopefully, pray that my Spanish is of such functional proficiency that I can work in Spain)...

...

So really, is this a good decision?

*silence*

I won't really know.

But it is the best I can do for them for now.

And that is quite sufficient.