The official diagnosis is that she has depression.
No, it is not the serious serious kind which requires intensive western medication.
Chinese herbs can generally do the trick. Or so the physician claimed.
As to why she always feel this pain in the abdominal area which she mistakeningly insist as gastric-related discomfort (she tells everyone she has gastric problems), it is because that area is very close to the heart.
In essence, the pain she is feeling is linked to the stress of the heart. No, it is not heart disease and the such; it is just a 'stress' experienced by the heart.
I think that may explain why when I worry too much, my heart hurts too.
...
Frankly, I think my house has a negative vibe.
Either that, or I hold a negative connotation of my house (which doesn't make sense, right?).
I don't know. All I know is I always feel very suffocated when I am home.
I feel very irritated. Very ill-tempered.
Wait, maybe that is an inherent trait of me?
*pauses to think* Maybe.
But no, I don't don't like it at home. I just ...
just...
feel suffocated.
Maybe everyone feels suffocated? Maybe that is an inherent trait of the society?
No, I am starting to think it is more of an inherent trait of me. To want to run away.
*shake head*
...
You know, I hate the escapist-side of myself.
Yes, I hate it to the very core.
Right now, I know what I have to do and why I am doing what I am doing.
I know that I am taking on the current position because I want to finish my studies yet earn a living.
I know that after this one year, I can soar again if I want and God permits.
But I can't convince myself. Yet.
I keep wanting to fast-forward time. The way I had wanted time to speed last January, I can still clearly recall (because I can't wait to get out of the house so that I can go to the USA).
So day in day out, I conceive of possibilities which enable me to do otherwise...when deep down inside, I am well too aware of the things I need to finish up right now.
...
I rememeber the Priest reminding us not to take up our own Crosses.
He beseeched us only to take up those conferred by Jesus.
I guess the danger is that sometimes, we can't even see which crosses are dictated by ourselves and which by Jesus?
So if you ask me, can I manage the fact that she has depression?
Um...kind of, I guess.
You see, I am aware of how much I can do and anything out of that boundary, I am afraid she has to fight it herself.
She can continue to be depressed. She can continue to complain and grumble. Not that I don't care, but there is really nothing much I can do to help.
All I know is, all she does is make everyone annoyed and irritated and unhappy. I don't think she consciously does it. She just doesn't know how to live otherwise, maybe?
But having said that, yes, I am affected that she is like that.
...
Maybe that is why the house has a negative vibe.
Maybe that is why everyone is always so unhappy.
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1 comment:
ahh i know about bad vibes in the house. i think it's the same here, except that in recent years it's gotten better because well, we haven't been speaking that often so there's a very low risk of an argument breaking out. still, my brother says i contribute to the bad vibes in the house. i guess i do. i'm a different person when i'm home. much more quiet and closed in a way. oh, and of course, there was that year when my ex was still living with us :| you can imagine how that was lol.
have you checked somatization out? i'm reading up on it at the moment. i think it may be a possible explanation to the heartache. in a sense it fits in with the description of what happens when the heart in under emotional stress.
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