I heard God say...

I am sick again.

Down with flu (at least I think so, because my joints are all aching and I have a cough and a runny nose) again.

The best I can remember--I have only been back for a month plus, and I remember being sick for a majority of that time.

Gosh. That scares me.

Is there something wrong with my immunity? Or is it just the weather?

For the first time, I will make sure I execute my intentions of having a full body check-up. (Just to really make sure my white blood cells are at normal levels)

...

I kind of had a conversation with God last night.

I said 'kind of' because it was very surreal. So surreal that I really question if it were a product of my imagination, or did it really happen.

It took place in Church. During Mass.

I remember being very frustrated by my physical discomfort. I was feeling hot and cold in the not-very-well-ventilated deck.

Mang zhang.

So amidst that state, a sudden fear griped me.

Don't ask me why. Don't ask me the factors that led to it.

It happened. Like a snap of the fingers.

What if I had leukemia?

And again, why leukemia, I also don't know. Maybe because I would attribute this depressed immunity to a lowered WBC count and if that is the case, it is usually leukemia.

Correct me if I am wrong.

So of course, a thousand and one thoughts competed for my attention together with the Mass proper.

I remember realizing that I was staring into space. Really, trust me, I am attentive in Church most of the times. You have to trust me.

But it seems that that particular moment, I was stuck in one dimension of time. The clock was ticking, but everything else was just frozen.

(Hence why I had thought maybe it was my imagination...but anyhow,)

So yes, that fear gripped my head. And the first thought was of course, R.

And then my friends and family.

It was all very scary. Really.

Imagine, if you (touchwood) had a sickness. What would your immediate reaction be?

Yes, unmistakingly, fear.

And then....?

I don't know...that was really what the conversation was about.

That really, I shouldn't be feeling defeated by the many hiccups in my life.

(Yes, I know that. I suppose I don't live my life out portraying that belief.)

My mum is sick. Sometimes, I really wish I could be sick for her.

My dad works hard. Sometimes, I really hope I could relieve that load off his shoulders.

But in my quest of doing that, I am upset. Because the world doesn't change.

I had thought that by returning home, I would become that cure-all.

Of course, that is clearly wishful thinking.

...

The truth is, we have to live our life out. Some crosses are meant to be carried yourself.

And so, when I was thinking about the possibility of me being sick and how I will miss my family and friends, I realize that if that really were to happen (touchwood!!!!!!!), then I must be strong.

I have always been telling my mum (because she is actually very disheartened by her own condition) that patients die not because of the illness, but because of their fear.

They die because they let the fear swallow all causes to continue fighting.

And no, I do not think it is easy to fight. Just look at me. I already feel defeated at some little obstacle in my life. I really don't know how I will manage with bigger things.

But therein is the challenge.

...

So what is the conclusion?

Ha, frankly, I don't really have any.

I remember two things though, that I will live my life strong and stronger.

That I will remember that everything I have--my life, my gifts, my ability, my money and all--come from God.

To put it flatly, he kind of 'loans' it out to us. In this mortal body we each possess.

As to what we do with it, it is entirely up to us.

So I ended up asking myself, if I really were to pass on, do I have regrets?

HHmmmm...hard question.

Yes and no.

*diao* *faints?*

Yes, because there are still things I would have hoped to achieve with this life. Like a life of adventure.

And of course, I will want to be with my friends and family and all for as long as I can, like till the end of time?

But should that not be possible, then no, because whatever time I have had, I had done the best I could with it. Be it in terms of learning a new skill or sharing my gifts.

Life, of course, is not always a straight affirmative and no.

...

We ended the conversation by my promise to live my life meaningfully and fully.

And I will, I tell myself...I must.

But I will still go for that body check-up, just in case.