Last night, I was engaged in a conversation with my parents and I was telling them how late I would be home on certain nights.
"How come?", she asked.
Because the labour laws in Singapore govern a 42 hr work week? was my answer.
"How come need to work till so late?"
Um...I didn't answer that question. I didn't know how to answer.
I know she meant well, but I was almost going to say (to her, then) I don't get a proper job, you nag. I get a proper job, you nag too.
Is there an end to it?
Is it her, or everyone in general, that we always definitely will find something to pick on just so that we can feel more superior?
...
I am starting work next Monday.
So it is still the holiday period for me. Kind of.
I spend my time preparing for my exams (I have a proficiency test next Saturday and yes, I am feeling uneasy about it. I just hope I can succeed in obtaining level 11, which requires an average of 80 marks for each of the 5 test sections). Exercising. And watching TV.
I watch the "Only in Singapore" (I think that is the official translation. It is the yi fang ban ting yi shui gang) on nights when I am at home.
It is a lovely indulgence.
No, I don't think I am turning into a couch potatoe. And I may not get the chance even if I want to, which is a good thing definitely.
I thought the episode last night was very good food for thought.
Xiuzhen, the older child, was going to sever ties with her family (including her mother) because of a condition that her father has laid out. Her father has promised her a position in a Shanghai company as well as agreed to be his father (it is complicated) if she could sever ties with her mother.
At one juncture, Xiuzhen was in tears. "It is the society! When your interests are not threatened, of course you can be noble and say that you will not succumb to the socieity and its various pressures. But..when your interests are threatened, who would still say that?"
(Note however, Xiuzhen said she will draft the official papers to 'reconcile' when she takes over the company in future. She told her mum that this was just a temporary separation.)
What is your take?
I asked my parents, what if you had a daughter like that? She can give you 2 million, but you are not related in the name of the law.
My mum said...such a daughter, I wouldn't want her!
I don't know if I believe her. No no...don't get me wrong. I do not question the moral integrity of my mum. I just wonder about the words Xiuzhen said about your interests being at stake.
...
I know this topic is very heavy. Relations or money.
Actually, if you think about it, there are many ways you can reason it out. As always.
Maybe one thing to bear in mind is, do we need the law to justify or even approve of biological blood relations.
A long time ago, I used to naively wonder if I would ever sever ties with my mum.
(Did I make you grasp? I am sorry...I know I am of a poor character calibre.)
I mean, I really cannot fathom life with her. Then, I had thought I really probably will go nuts living under the same roof.
But if you think about it,
even if the law were to acknowledgement this severance of ties, the reality stands.
In me flows her blood.
In me are her genes (and yes, the genes of my grandparents and great- and etc).
In me are her traits.
In me are her mannerisms, things that I find bizarre myself.
At the end of the day, biologically, I am a transference of her entity down the generations, like it or not.
...
I hadn't meant to talk about that. I was more keen to talk about the interests being at stake issue.
I thought she acted very well. With her teary eyes and insistent tone.
But that aside, is that really the case?
When our interests are the very ones at stake, will we bow down to the very circumstances we are in?
I don't know.
I just know, when I try to think about the life she is leading--how she has to design ploy after ploy, devise schemes after schemes, engage in strategy after strategy--I wouldn't want to lead a life like that.
It will be very tiring.
Imagine, the very purpose of your life revolving around the collapse of other people, just so that you can step on their heads and climb higher.
Yes, it may be glamourous to constantly engage in the company of the rich and the famous.
Yes, it may be carefree to not have to worry about spending that next thousand dollars in your pocket.
But underneath that shell glamour and carefree side, what do you have?
...
I told R that I set a worst-case scenario for my prospective job stint.
Maybe I won't have any 'friends'. I don't think I will mind.
(Actually, I will mind but I will be fine.)
Do I look forward to working?
That is once again the million dollar question.
You know, yesterday I was just asking N if I ever become a mainstream teacher, will I get the opportunity to teach languages?
She said, based on her knowledge of how MOE is run, probably not, unless I be a primary school teacher.
So...I don't know if I will become a mainstream teacher after all. I don't mind being a primary school teacher actually...
That day, I was just toying with the idea of doing a Ph.D in linguistics.
(Did I make you grasp again? I am sorry.)
The ideal scenario would be that I become a teacher, serve my bond, and get the Ph.D, and serve more bond.
But if that was not to materialize, then there was no point in becoming a mainstream teacher. I have heard too many horror stories.
Wait. I am saying it in terms of my current perspective. Maybe I may change my mind next year, I don't know.
Having said that, what is my long-term career plans then?
Um.
I don't know.
Is that important?
...
Nowadays, I prefer to live my life in small sections.
I look at time frames of 1 year.
So I guess for now, I won't think so much about my long-term career goal.
Although I may have an answer by next February.
Monday, March 31, 2008
Saturday, March 29, 2008
The turning point I never saw
I met up with T today. He is another of my buddies.
This is the first time we have caught up since I came back (which is um, good...because I haven't been able to catch up with many people. My bad...).
I met him after work. After my language stint in the Orchard place.
I like Saturdays in general, although I really loathe the first few moments when I am sleepy and sluggish because I lack sleep. But I like the moments thereafter because I can 'stone' on the way to work.
...
If you recall, I shared about my previous RCIA session, which was about turning points, and how God may have been present in each of them.
I had related to my group about that particular revelation in church, when I had seen this lady's back view who reminded me of my mum and I had cried in response.
Which then got me to realize that I was ready to go home.
It was an apparent turning point, that moment in church, when I decided to put down the heavy stone in my heart and heal.
The truth is, making the decision to finally let it all go is a difficult decision. It is...
I was led into thinking that by having misgivings about my mum, I can make my life better.
Obviously, that hadn't happen. And obviously, it wasn't going to happen. I just don't know why I had to take so long to realize that.
But anyhow, something else struck me in my 'stoning' journey today.
It was as usual a very packed train, even though it was 7am-ish in the morning.
Seated in front of me was a guy reading a Japanese instructional book. He had a PA envelope tucked under the book. I kind of wonder if he was a trainer with PA.
There was a lady standing in front of him (beside me, that is). She looked at him in amazement.
As I shifted to somewhere else, there was an Indian lady dressed in traditional Indian costume, who looked very concentrated in her preparation for a presentation about Indian Montessori Kindergartens. I certainly hope I can do a better job than her when I present.
There was a Chinese immigrant worker who was very tired from standing and immediately lunged himself onto the vacant seat.
There were two officials from the Immigration Department. They had something important to attend to at 9am.
Was I being particularly attentive?
No, I wouldn't think so.
Remember, I was tired and sluggish from the lack of sleep.
And then the revelation hit me.
Turning point.
The trip to the US.
The trip to the US was a turning point for me, wasn't it?
...
I remember acutely F telling me how I have become more cheerful after this little journey out.
R echoed her sentiments.
If you had been a frequent visitor of my former blog, maybe you would agree too.
Even I myself am amazed at the changes within me (gee, sounds like some line a pregnant woman will say...diao).
And it hit me then why I was happier these days.
I am still me. No disguise. No cloning technology.
But I didn't need to repress anything anymore.
And more importantly, I accept the things that I have to accept (ha, because I don't really have a choice).
Vividly in my mind as I 'sucked in' the sights on the train is this incident at Penn Station.
It was another Saturday and I had just missed the train back to Long Island.
Manhattan is connected to Long Island via the Long Island Railroad. Trains to my area run twice hourly, one at ..11, and another at ..40. The former is an 'express' local, while the latter is a local local.
I remember I had missed the ..11 train (which is very annoying because the ..40 train journey is half an hour longer) and I decided to browse in Penn Books.
Incidentally, I came to this stack of 'gift books' which were exquisite little books meant to be presented as gifts of inspiration and love. A guy was browsing.
As I looked at the few books, I picked one up and in the process chatted up with the guy (which I later found out that he wanted to buy for his girlfriend).
He said he wanted to buy the book for her so that she will be uplifted in this very gloomy and depressed society.
(And if you ask me, yes, I find New York very depressed a city, but that is just me.)
I said something which I can't believe to this day had come out from my system (remember, I am a closet melancholy person).
"Happiness must come within the individual herself. There is nothing much you can do besides buying her some gifts and hoping that it will cheer her up. She has to want to be happy."
Wha, right? Wha...
And I told him, "Bring her on a holiday. Tell her how much you want her to be happy."
Wha...
...
I can still recall what R told me with regard to my habit of wearing earphones on the train.
For me, it was to drown my inner voice. For him, it was a hindrance to hearing that inner voice.
Inner voices. Who ever believes in them? Who ever needs them?
Um...I don't have an answer to them.
But the thing is, I have realized that trying to hear the inner voice may be the thing that I need to learn to do.
There is so much chatter everywhere. The whole world is flooded with noise, noise that we don't need.
What we need most is that voice within, isn't it?
As T and I were talking about the outlook for each of our lives, I have to confess that that conversation has got me thinking about some other aspect of my life that I want to work on.
...
I know sometimes, nowadays, my blog sounds more like an entry from one of those inspirational self-help books.
Frankly, I am not sure if you need that (considering you are my audience...).
(But frankly too, I am not sure how many people are still reading my blog since I have no more adventures anymore...haha)
But that is really me right now.
T asked me if I am happy upon returning to Singapore.
Of course, I am...amidst the many grumbles I poured out to you on this blog.
I am because I know what I am doing.
Yes, there are moments when the going gets tough, so tough I don't know how to carry on.
But I really do believe in the possibility of all things.
ALL THINGS.
As long as you believe in it enough and want it to happen so much that you put your desires and beliefs into actions.
Maybe it is because of my faith (I can do all things in Christ who strengthens me; Phil 4:13).
Maybe it is because of the experience.
Maybe it is because of the paradigm shift.
Maybe...it is just the way I am meant to be.
I really don't think I was like this before. I know I was positive, but not so believing.
Frankly, all I want to do right now is to have the courage to live out this phase of my life which I so believe in.
No, it won't be easy.
But I will make it happen. For my life to be just the way I want it to be.
This is the first time we have caught up since I came back (which is um, good...because I haven't been able to catch up with many people. My bad...).
I met him after work. After my language stint in the Orchard place.
I like Saturdays in general, although I really loathe the first few moments when I am sleepy and sluggish because I lack sleep. But I like the moments thereafter because I can 'stone' on the way to work.
...
If you recall, I shared about my previous RCIA session, which was about turning points, and how God may have been present in each of them.
I had related to my group about that particular revelation in church, when I had seen this lady's back view who reminded me of my mum and I had cried in response.
Which then got me to realize that I was ready to go home.
It was an apparent turning point, that moment in church, when I decided to put down the heavy stone in my heart and heal.
The truth is, making the decision to finally let it all go is a difficult decision. It is...
I was led into thinking that by having misgivings about my mum, I can make my life better.
Obviously, that hadn't happen. And obviously, it wasn't going to happen. I just don't know why I had to take so long to realize that.
But anyhow, something else struck me in my 'stoning' journey today.
It was as usual a very packed train, even though it was 7am-ish in the morning.
Seated in front of me was a guy reading a Japanese instructional book. He had a PA envelope tucked under the book. I kind of wonder if he was a trainer with PA.
There was a lady standing in front of him (beside me, that is). She looked at him in amazement.
As I shifted to somewhere else, there was an Indian lady dressed in traditional Indian costume, who looked very concentrated in her preparation for a presentation about Indian Montessori Kindergartens. I certainly hope I can do a better job than her when I present.
There was a Chinese immigrant worker who was very tired from standing and immediately lunged himself onto the vacant seat.
There were two officials from the Immigration Department. They had something important to attend to at 9am.
Was I being particularly attentive?
No, I wouldn't think so.
Remember, I was tired and sluggish from the lack of sleep.
And then the revelation hit me.
Turning point.
The trip to the US.
The trip to the US was a turning point for me, wasn't it?
...
I remember acutely F telling me how I have become more cheerful after this little journey out.
R echoed her sentiments.
If you had been a frequent visitor of my former blog, maybe you would agree too.
Even I myself am amazed at the changes within me (gee, sounds like some line a pregnant woman will say...diao).
And it hit me then why I was happier these days.
I am still me. No disguise. No cloning technology.
But I didn't need to repress anything anymore.
And more importantly, I accept the things that I have to accept (ha, because I don't really have a choice).
Vividly in my mind as I 'sucked in' the sights on the train is this incident at Penn Station.
It was another Saturday and I had just missed the train back to Long Island.
Manhattan is connected to Long Island via the Long Island Railroad. Trains to my area run twice hourly, one at ..11, and another at ..40. The former is an 'express' local, while the latter is a local local.
I remember I had missed the ..11 train (which is very annoying because the ..40 train journey is half an hour longer) and I decided to browse in Penn Books.
Incidentally, I came to this stack of 'gift books' which were exquisite little books meant to be presented as gifts of inspiration and love. A guy was browsing.
As I looked at the few books, I picked one up and in the process chatted up with the guy (which I later found out that he wanted to buy for his girlfriend).
He said he wanted to buy the book for her so that she will be uplifted in this very gloomy and depressed society.
(And if you ask me, yes, I find New York very depressed a city, but that is just me.)
I said something which I can't believe to this day had come out from my system (remember, I am a closet melancholy person).
"Happiness must come within the individual herself. There is nothing much you can do besides buying her some gifts and hoping that it will cheer her up. She has to want to be happy."
Wha, right? Wha...
And I told him, "Bring her on a holiday. Tell her how much you want her to be happy."
Wha...
...
I can still recall what R told me with regard to my habit of wearing earphones on the train.
For me, it was to drown my inner voice. For him, it was a hindrance to hearing that inner voice.
Inner voices. Who ever believes in them? Who ever needs them?
Um...I don't have an answer to them.
But the thing is, I have realized that trying to hear the inner voice may be the thing that I need to learn to do.
There is so much chatter everywhere. The whole world is flooded with noise, noise that we don't need.
What we need most is that voice within, isn't it?
As T and I were talking about the outlook for each of our lives, I have to confess that that conversation has got me thinking about some other aspect of my life that I want to work on.
...
I know sometimes, nowadays, my blog sounds more like an entry from one of those inspirational self-help books.
Frankly, I am not sure if you need that (considering you are my audience...).
(But frankly too, I am not sure how many people are still reading my blog since I have no more adventures anymore...haha)
But that is really me right now.
T asked me if I am happy upon returning to Singapore.
Of course, I am...amidst the many grumbles I poured out to you on this blog.
I am because I know what I am doing.
Yes, there are moments when the going gets tough, so tough I don't know how to carry on.
But I really do believe in the possibility of all things.
ALL THINGS.
As long as you believe in it enough and want it to happen so much that you put your desires and beliefs into actions.
Maybe it is because of my faith (I can do all things in Christ who strengthens me; Phil 4:13).
Maybe it is because of the experience.
Maybe it is because of the paradigm shift.
Maybe...it is just the way I am meant to be.
I really don't think I was like this before. I know I was positive, but not so believing.
Frankly, all I want to do right now is to have the courage to live out this phase of my life which I so believe in.
No, it won't be easy.
But I will make it happen. For my life to be just the way I want it to be.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
If you believe
The sharing last night was about the great moments of joy and pain in our lives.
I was hesitant about the sharing but I went along with it anyway. However, I started with a disclaimer that said "This may affect your opinion of me but well, this is really the way it is..."
And I shared about my relationship with my mum.
I shared about that slap at 14, and how things hadn't been good since and how I have wanted to run away from home. How I cannot stand staying under the same roof with her, how I cannot fathom the idea of the rest of our lives together.
Maybe that is why I actually miss being on Long Island.
I was stunned at my own thoughts. Just what is wrong with me? When I was inside it, I had tried so hard to fight it. I was so positive that was the decision. And to think that I had thought through it so thoroughly! And wasn't I absolutely positive that the best decision was to return home?
Where was that strong inclination?
...
Well, I have reservations penning this entry too. I mean, I am positive that this entry may render me a target for squashed tomatoes and rotten eggs, not just for you, but for myself too.
*attempts to look for a pail to put tomatoes and eggs in*
And the truth is, I can't understand what I am thinking either. I am as fed-up as you are, if you are. Ha.
So really, just what am I thinking?
...
If you ask me, do I think I am alone in dealing with these sort of problems, I would say no.
True to what I thought, I wasn't the only one.
Family issues are taboo if you are a typical conservative and traditional Chinese. I breached the taboo by sharing that one and only slap I had got and in return, I got my team members to open up a bit more of themselves.
Frankly, I am sure we have had these moments of family confrontation and conflict, all of us, at certain points in our lives.
The truth is, while we all have our own stories to tell, it is just that some of us are emotionally stronger and are able to stare at it in the face. Others, crumble under the pressure.
I would think that I am still crumbling, although I am seeking for divine intervention for the strength to stand up.
As what the sharing session was about--seeking for the divine side of God to be in us.
When confronted with problems, there are undeniably always at least two options: fight it, or leave it, to God.
One of the members shared about a family member's fight with cancer. And I thought that indeed all these little struggles and hiccups in life are like cancer cells.
Malignant or benign they become, you actually have a say.
...
I keep thinking about life in Long Island these days because of the opportunities I felt that I have missed.
Why can't I let it go?
Well, and I can tell you it is because life under the same roof is not as pleasant as what I had imagined it to be.
Maybe that's just the fact of life. Absence does serve as a useful platform for tolerance and respect.
And so I brood. I harp. And I wonder why I can't have sucked it all up for a while more.
And I imagine that if I had suck it up, what I would have been able to achieve.
And of course, escape from. Ha.
Writing all these makes me want to laugh. I find my thoughts so ironic.
Because deep down inside, I know that I had returned home because it was time. I had thought through it carefully enough to know that I had returned home so that I can go away in future (I know that this is very hard to understand). And the thing is, I know that God was leading me home...
I mean, yes, while it had dawned onto me these few days that even with the skills and qualifications I have, I may still not get the chance to return to that part of the world and finish up the things as I had hoped to.
But still, even if I had stayed on, would I definitely have been able to do that?
Can I run away from the calling of my conscience and do my things in peace and serenity?
...
Frankly, I don't think it is wrong to indulge in the 'what-if's once in a while. It is after all, human nature to conjure up possibilities and be blown away by the possibilities.
I guess I am just annoyed at my own thoughts because I am taking eternity to grow out of this unfitting old mould.
I indulge in the 'what-ifs' too much too frequently. Even when I am clear about the course of action and the reasons of it.
It is clearly a personality fault. Which is time to grow out of.
I was talking to H yesterday and she told me to learn to not take responsibility for everything.
Thinking about it with a clearer state of mind, I know that she is right.
I am not responsible for everything, so why do I want to believe that?
I had come a long way in learning to stand up for what I believe in. I had taken 6 months to learn the lesson of valuing my worth and my beliefs and the very essence of my being, and am I going to throw time away like that?
That would really be painful, to have to struggle with my own self.
And why can't I just leave the fate of my life to God? What do I not trust? In myself, or in God?
...
...really, I kind of think maybe despite all that I believe God can do, I never once believe He will help me with this baggage.
...
Maybe then it is time to believe.
Maybe then it is time to truly understand that God can do what humans can't.
Maybe then it is time to leave it to God, so that He will do the rest.
Maybe then it is time to just concentrate on my life now, and stop recounting the past which never happened.
Maybe then today is the day I will start believing.
I was hesitant about the sharing but I went along with it anyway. However, I started with a disclaimer that said "This may affect your opinion of me but well, this is really the way it is..."
And I shared about my relationship with my mum.
I shared about that slap at 14, and how things hadn't been good since and how I have wanted to run away from home. How I cannot stand staying under the same roof with her, how I cannot fathom the idea of the rest of our lives together.
Maybe that is why I actually miss being on Long Island.
I was stunned at my own thoughts. Just what is wrong with me? When I was inside it, I had tried so hard to fight it. I was so positive that was the decision. And to think that I had thought through it so thoroughly! And wasn't I absolutely positive that the best decision was to return home?
Where was that strong inclination?
...
Well, I have reservations penning this entry too. I mean, I am positive that this entry may render me a target for squashed tomatoes and rotten eggs, not just for you, but for myself too.
*attempts to look for a pail to put tomatoes and eggs in*
And the truth is, I can't understand what I am thinking either. I am as fed-up as you are, if you are. Ha.
So really, just what am I thinking?
...
If you ask me, do I think I am alone in dealing with these sort of problems, I would say no.
True to what I thought, I wasn't the only one.
Family issues are taboo if you are a typical conservative and traditional Chinese. I breached the taboo by sharing that one and only slap I had got and in return, I got my team members to open up a bit more of themselves.
Frankly, I am sure we have had these moments of family confrontation and conflict, all of us, at certain points in our lives.
The truth is, while we all have our own stories to tell, it is just that some of us are emotionally stronger and are able to stare at it in the face. Others, crumble under the pressure.
I would think that I am still crumbling, although I am seeking for divine intervention for the strength to stand up.
As what the sharing session was about--seeking for the divine side of God to be in us.
When confronted with problems, there are undeniably always at least two options: fight it, or leave it, to God.
One of the members shared about a family member's fight with cancer. And I thought that indeed all these little struggles and hiccups in life are like cancer cells.
Malignant or benign they become, you actually have a say.
...
I keep thinking about life in Long Island these days because of the opportunities I felt that I have missed.
Why can't I let it go?
Well, and I can tell you it is because life under the same roof is not as pleasant as what I had imagined it to be.
Maybe that's just the fact of life. Absence does serve as a useful platform for tolerance and respect.
And so I brood. I harp. And I wonder why I can't have sucked it all up for a while more.
And I imagine that if I had suck it up, what I would have been able to achieve.
And of course, escape from. Ha.
Writing all these makes me want to laugh. I find my thoughts so ironic.
Because deep down inside, I know that I had returned home because it was time. I had thought through it carefully enough to know that I had returned home so that I can go away in future (I know that this is very hard to understand). And the thing is, I know that God was leading me home...
I mean, yes, while it had dawned onto me these few days that even with the skills and qualifications I have, I may still not get the chance to return to that part of the world and finish up the things as I had hoped to.
But still, even if I had stayed on, would I definitely have been able to do that?
Can I run away from the calling of my conscience and do my things in peace and serenity?
...
Frankly, I don't think it is wrong to indulge in the 'what-if's once in a while. It is after all, human nature to conjure up possibilities and be blown away by the possibilities.
I guess I am just annoyed at my own thoughts because I am taking eternity to grow out of this unfitting old mould.
I indulge in the 'what-ifs' too much too frequently. Even when I am clear about the course of action and the reasons of it.
It is clearly a personality fault. Which is time to grow out of.
I was talking to H yesterday and she told me to learn to not take responsibility for everything.
Thinking about it with a clearer state of mind, I know that she is right.
I am not responsible for everything, so why do I want to believe that?
I had come a long way in learning to stand up for what I believe in. I had taken 6 months to learn the lesson of valuing my worth and my beliefs and the very essence of my being, and am I going to throw time away like that?
That would really be painful, to have to struggle with my own self.
And why can't I just leave the fate of my life to God? What do I not trust? In myself, or in God?
...
...really, I kind of think maybe despite all that I believe God can do, I never once believe He will help me with this baggage.
...
Maybe then it is time to believe.
Maybe then it is time to truly understand that God can do what humans can't.
Maybe then it is time to leave it to God, so that He will do the rest.
Maybe then it is time to just concentrate on my life now, and stop recounting the past which never happened.
Maybe then today is the day I will start believing.
Sunday, March 23, 2008
The negative vibe in the depressed house
The official diagnosis is that she has depression.
No, it is not the serious serious kind which requires intensive western medication.
Chinese herbs can generally do the trick. Or so the physician claimed.
As to why she always feel this pain in the abdominal area which she mistakeningly insist as gastric-related discomfort (she tells everyone she has gastric problems), it is because that area is very close to the heart.
In essence, the pain she is feeling is linked to the stress of the heart. No, it is not heart disease and the such; it is just a 'stress' experienced by the heart.
I think that may explain why when I worry too much, my heart hurts too.
...
Frankly, I think my house has a negative vibe.
Either that, or I hold a negative connotation of my house (which doesn't make sense, right?).
I don't know. All I know is I always feel very suffocated when I am home.
I feel very irritated. Very ill-tempered.
Wait, maybe that is an inherent trait of me?
*pauses to think* Maybe.
But no, I don't don't like it at home. I just ...
just...
feel suffocated.
Maybe everyone feels suffocated? Maybe that is an inherent trait of the society?
No, I am starting to think it is more of an inherent trait of me. To want to run away.
*shake head*
...
You know, I hate the escapist-side of myself.
Yes, I hate it to the very core.
Right now, I know what I have to do and why I am doing what I am doing.
I know that I am taking on the current position because I want to finish my studies yet earn a living.
I know that after this one year, I can soar again if I want and God permits.
But I can't convince myself. Yet.
I keep wanting to fast-forward time. The way I had wanted time to speed last January, I can still clearly recall (because I can't wait to get out of the house so that I can go to the USA).
So day in day out, I conceive of possibilities which enable me to do otherwise...when deep down inside, I am well too aware of the things I need to finish up right now.
...
I rememeber the Priest reminding us not to take up our own Crosses.
He beseeched us only to take up those conferred by Jesus.
I guess the danger is that sometimes, we can't even see which crosses are dictated by ourselves and which by Jesus?
So if you ask me, can I manage the fact that she has depression?
Um...kind of, I guess.
You see, I am aware of how much I can do and anything out of that boundary, I am afraid she has to fight it herself.
She can continue to be depressed. She can continue to complain and grumble. Not that I don't care, but there is really nothing much I can do to help.
All I know is, all she does is make everyone annoyed and irritated and unhappy. I don't think she consciously does it. She just doesn't know how to live otherwise, maybe?
But having said that, yes, I am affected that she is like that.
...
Maybe that is why the house has a negative vibe.
Maybe that is why everyone is always so unhappy.
No, it is not the serious serious kind which requires intensive western medication.
Chinese herbs can generally do the trick. Or so the physician claimed.
As to why she always feel this pain in the abdominal area which she mistakeningly insist as gastric-related discomfort (she tells everyone she has gastric problems), it is because that area is very close to the heart.
In essence, the pain she is feeling is linked to the stress of the heart. No, it is not heart disease and the such; it is just a 'stress' experienced by the heart.
I think that may explain why when I worry too much, my heart hurts too.
...
Frankly, I think my house has a negative vibe.
Either that, or I hold a negative connotation of my house (which doesn't make sense, right?).
I don't know. All I know is I always feel very suffocated when I am home.
I feel very irritated. Very ill-tempered.
Wait, maybe that is an inherent trait of me?
*pauses to think* Maybe.
But no, I don't don't like it at home. I just ...
just...
feel suffocated.
Maybe everyone feels suffocated? Maybe that is an inherent trait of the society?
No, I am starting to think it is more of an inherent trait of me. To want to run away.
*shake head*
...
You know, I hate the escapist-side of myself.
Yes, I hate it to the very core.
Right now, I know what I have to do and why I am doing what I am doing.
I know that I am taking on the current position because I want to finish my studies yet earn a living.
I know that after this one year, I can soar again if I want and God permits.
But I can't convince myself. Yet.
I keep wanting to fast-forward time. The way I had wanted time to speed last January, I can still clearly recall (because I can't wait to get out of the house so that I can go to the USA).
So day in day out, I conceive of possibilities which enable me to do otherwise...when deep down inside, I am well too aware of the things I need to finish up right now.
...
I rememeber the Priest reminding us not to take up our own Crosses.
He beseeched us only to take up those conferred by Jesus.
I guess the danger is that sometimes, we can't even see which crosses are dictated by ourselves and which by Jesus?
So if you ask me, can I manage the fact that she has depression?
Um...kind of, I guess.
You see, I am aware of how much I can do and anything out of that boundary, I am afraid she has to fight it herself.
She can continue to be depressed. She can continue to complain and grumble. Not that I don't care, but there is really nothing much I can do to help.
All I know is, all she does is make everyone annoyed and irritated and unhappy. I don't think she consciously does it. She just doesn't know how to live otherwise, maybe?
But having said that, yes, I am affected that she is like that.
...
Maybe that is why the house has a negative vibe.
Maybe that is why everyone is always so unhappy.
Friday, March 21, 2008
A visit to the doctor
I am starting to realize that the events in life has itself a baffling side.
Yes, it is a good thing. Thank God for these little ironies.
...
After a two-day wrestle with the flu virus (this is the newest strain. The previous strain probably underwent some mutations and this is really potent. I was experiencing muscle soreness all over and I would be breaking out in cold sweat one moment and being profusely sweaty the next), I decided that I had better see a doctor.
Yes, this is the third time I am falling sick ever since I came back. So yes, they always say that three is the magic number.
Anyhow, I kind of believe that my dread to visit the doctor had something to do with the fact that I really didn't hope to see her.
No, not that usual kind of patient fear for doctors.
I was afraid that she will nag at me. Like how she used to.
So really, it was really bo-bian that I popped into her clinic.
...
Like I say, I thank God for the existence of these little surprises in life.
I can still very clearly remember how she told me off last year when I made up my mind to leave the country.
She said many many things, some blatantly hurtful, others innocently frank.
Whatever those things were, I cannot recall too clearly. I only remember that as far as I can help it, I will really never want to visit her clinic!
Maybe, maybe that explains my resistance to visit her despite the fact that I was quite sick last week.
So, when she said what she said, I was amused. Deep inside.
"You are a very interesting person. So what are you doing now?"
That was clearly NOT what she had said last year.
I told her my plans. And the next weirdest thing happened!
She told me to look at the British Council's website. She said it may be useful.
(And I just took a look, and she is right!)
Ha. Funny, isn't it?
And on my way home, I wonder if that is the mentality of people:
The first response would be discouragement.
When they realize your mind is more staunch than Mt Everest, they realize the only thing they can do is give you their blessing.
At least that is the impression I gathered following the trip to the doctor.
...
When I sit down and examine my plans, I can confess that I have fear.
Fear that ultimately, I will succumb to that bug.
The comfort bug which plagues the many of us. Which may inevitably hits us all.
Inevitably, I say.
I don't know if then, will there be a doctor who is able to prescribe medicine for my condition.
So really, till then, what I do is to constantly remind myself of my three most immediate prescriptions.
Chinese, Japanese and Spanish.
Hopefully, they will serve enough an immunity potency when the need arises.
Yes, it is a good thing. Thank God for these little ironies.
...
After a two-day wrestle with the flu virus (this is the newest strain. The previous strain probably underwent some mutations and this is really potent. I was experiencing muscle soreness all over and I would be breaking out in cold sweat one moment and being profusely sweaty the next), I decided that I had better see a doctor.
Yes, this is the third time I am falling sick ever since I came back. So yes, they always say that three is the magic number.
Anyhow, I kind of believe that my dread to visit the doctor had something to do with the fact that I really didn't hope to see her.
No, not that usual kind of patient fear for doctors.
I was afraid that she will nag at me. Like how she used to.
So really, it was really bo-bian that I popped into her clinic.
...
Like I say, I thank God for the existence of these little surprises in life.
I can still very clearly remember how she told me off last year when I made up my mind to leave the country.
She said many many things, some blatantly hurtful, others innocently frank.
Whatever those things were, I cannot recall too clearly. I only remember that as far as I can help it, I will really never want to visit her clinic!
Maybe, maybe that explains my resistance to visit her despite the fact that I was quite sick last week.
So, when she said what she said, I was amused. Deep inside.
"You are a very interesting person. So what are you doing now?"
That was clearly NOT what she had said last year.
I told her my plans. And the next weirdest thing happened!
She told me to look at the British Council's website. She said it may be useful.
(And I just took a look, and she is right!)
Ha. Funny, isn't it?
And on my way home, I wonder if that is the mentality of people:
The first response would be discouragement.
When they realize your mind is more staunch than Mt Everest, they realize the only thing they can do is give you their blessing.
At least that is the impression I gathered following the trip to the doctor.
...
When I sit down and examine my plans, I can confess that I have fear.
Fear that ultimately, I will succumb to that bug.
The comfort bug which plagues the many of us. Which may inevitably hits us all.
Inevitably, I say.
I don't know if then, will there be a doctor who is able to prescribe medicine for my condition.
So really, till then, what I do is to constantly remind myself of my three most immediate prescriptions.
Chinese, Japanese and Spanish.
Hopefully, they will serve enough an immunity potency when the need arises.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
I heard God say...
I am sick again.
Down with flu (at least I think so, because my joints are all aching and I have a cough and a runny nose) again.
The best I can remember--I have only been back for a month plus, and I remember being sick for a majority of that time.
Gosh. That scares me.
Is there something wrong with my immunity? Or is it just the weather?
For the first time, I will make sure I execute my intentions of having a full body check-up. (Just to really make sure my white blood cells are at normal levels)
...
I kind of had a conversation with God last night.
I said 'kind of' because it was very surreal. So surreal that I really question if it were a product of my imagination, or did it really happen.
It took place in Church. During Mass.
I remember being very frustrated by my physical discomfort. I was feeling hot and cold in the not-very-well-ventilated deck.
Mang zhang.
So amidst that state, a sudden fear griped me.
Don't ask me why. Don't ask me the factors that led to it.
It happened. Like a snap of the fingers.
What if I had leukemia?
And again, why leukemia, I also don't know. Maybe because I would attribute this depressed immunity to a lowered WBC count and if that is the case, it is usually leukemia.
Correct me if I am wrong.
So of course, a thousand and one thoughts competed for my attention together with the Mass proper.
I remember realizing that I was staring into space. Really, trust me, I am attentive in Church most of the times. You have to trust me.
But it seems that that particular moment, I was stuck in one dimension of time. The clock was ticking, but everything else was just frozen.
(Hence why I had thought maybe it was my imagination...but anyhow,)
So yes, that fear gripped my head. And the first thought was of course, R.
And then my friends and family.
It was all very scary. Really.
Imagine, if you (touchwood) had a sickness. What would your immediate reaction be?
Yes, unmistakingly, fear.
And then....?
I don't know...that was really what the conversation was about.
That really, I shouldn't be feeling defeated by the many hiccups in my life.
(Yes, I know that. I suppose I don't live my life out portraying that belief.)
My mum is sick. Sometimes, I really wish I could be sick for her.
My dad works hard. Sometimes, I really hope I could relieve that load off his shoulders.
But in my quest of doing that, I am upset. Because the world doesn't change.
I had thought that by returning home, I would become that cure-all.
Of course, that is clearly wishful thinking.
...
The truth is, we have to live our life out. Some crosses are meant to be carried yourself.
And so, when I was thinking about the possibility of me being sick and how I will miss my family and friends, I realize that if that really were to happen (touchwood!!!!!!!), then I must be strong.
I have always been telling my mum (because she is actually very disheartened by her own condition) that patients die not because of the illness, but because of their fear.
They die because they let the fear swallow all causes to continue fighting.
And no, I do not think it is easy to fight. Just look at me. I already feel defeated at some little obstacle in my life. I really don't know how I will manage with bigger things.
But therein is the challenge.
...
So what is the conclusion?
Ha, frankly, I don't really have any.
I remember two things though, that I will live my life strong and stronger.
That I will remember that everything I have--my life, my gifts, my ability, my money and all--come from God.
To put it flatly, he kind of 'loans' it out to us. In this mortal body we each possess.
As to what we do with it, it is entirely up to us.
So I ended up asking myself, if I really were to pass on, do I have regrets?
HHmmmm...hard question.
Yes and no.
*diao* *faints?*
Yes, because there are still things I would have hoped to achieve with this life. Like a life of adventure.
And of course, I will want to be with my friends and family and all for as long as I can, like till the end of time?
But should that not be possible, then no, because whatever time I have had, I had done the best I could with it. Be it in terms of learning a new skill or sharing my gifts.
Life, of course, is not always a straight affirmative and no.
...
We ended the conversation by my promise to live my life meaningfully and fully.
And I will, I tell myself...I must.
But I will still go for that body check-up, just in case.
Down with flu (at least I think so, because my joints are all aching and I have a cough and a runny nose) again.
The best I can remember--I have only been back for a month plus, and I remember being sick for a majority of that time.
Gosh. That scares me.
Is there something wrong with my immunity? Or is it just the weather?
For the first time, I will make sure I execute my intentions of having a full body check-up. (Just to really make sure my white blood cells are at normal levels)
...
I kind of had a conversation with God last night.
I said 'kind of' because it was very surreal. So surreal that I really question if it were a product of my imagination, or did it really happen.
It took place in Church. During Mass.
I remember being very frustrated by my physical discomfort. I was feeling hot and cold in the not-very-well-ventilated deck.
Mang zhang.
So amidst that state, a sudden fear griped me.
Don't ask me why. Don't ask me the factors that led to it.
It happened. Like a snap of the fingers.
What if I had leukemia?
And again, why leukemia, I also don't know. Maybe because I would attribute this depressed immunity to a lowered WBC count and if that is the case, it is usually leukemia.
Correct me if I am wrong.
So of course, a thousand and one thoughts competed for my attention together with the Mass proper.
I remember realizing that I was staring into space. Really, trust me, I am attentive in Church most of the times. You have to trust me.
But it seems that that particular moment, I was stuck in one dimension of time. The clock was ticking, but everything else was just frozen.
(Hence why I had thought maybe it was my imagination...but anyhow,)
So yes, that fear gripped my head. And the first thought was of course, R.
And then my friends and family.
It was all very scary. Really.
Imagine, if you (touchwood) had a sickness. What would your immediate reaction be?
Yes, unmistakingly, fear.
And then....?
I don't know...that was really what the conversation was about.
That really, I shouldn't be feeling defeated by the many hiccups in my life.
(Yes, I know that. I suppose I don't live my life out portraying that belief.)
My mum is sick. Sometimes, I really wish I could be sick for her.
My dad works hard. Sometimes, I really hope I could relieve that load off his shoulders.
But in my quest of doing that, I am upset. Because the world doesn't change.
I had thought that by returning home, I would become that cure-all.
Of course, that is clearly wishful thinking.
...
The truth is, we have to live our life out. Some crosses are meant to be carried yourself.
And so, when I was thinking about the possibility of me being sick and how I will miss my family and friends, I realize that if that really were to happen (touchwood!!!!!!!), then I must be strong.
I have always been telling my mum (because she is actually very disheartened by her own condition) that patients die not because of the illness, but because of their fear.
They die because they let the fear swallow all causes to continue fighting.
And no, I do not think it is easy to fight. Just look at me. I already feel defeated at some little obstacle in my life. I really don't know how I will manage with bigger things.
But therein is the challenge.
...
So what is the conclusion?
Ha, frankly, I don't really have any.
I remember two things though, that I will live my life strong and stronger.
That I will remember that everything I have--my life, my gifts, my ability, my money and all--come from God.
To put it flatly, he kind of 'loans' it out to us. In this mortal body we each possess.
As to what we do with it, it is entirely up to us.
So I ended up asking myself, if I really were to pass on, do I have regrets?
HHmmmm...hard question.
Yes and no.
*diao* *faints?*
Yes, because there are still things I would have hoped to achieve with this life. Like a life of adventure.
And of course, I will want to be with my friends and family and all for as long as I can, like till the end of time?
But should that not be possible, then no, because whatever time I have had, I had done the best I could with it. Be it in terms of learning a new skill or sharing my gifts.
Life, of course, is not always a straight affirmative and no.
...
We ended the conversation by my promise to live my life meaningfully and fully.
And I will, I tell myself...I must.
But I will still go for that body check-up, just in case.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
A good decision
Once again, I am not so sure as to how I should write this entry.
*takes a deep breath* *Maybe the oxygen will help me pen my thoughts*
*I am not sure but I would like to believe that it has helped*
The RCIA session last night focused on the family and how it has shaped you to become the person you are.
How uncanny a coincidence.
So really, how has my family shaped me?
To be honest, my most immediate reply would be that it has not done anything.
Because I didn't grow up with my parents, remember?
But that is of course, just a superficial answer.
Por supuesto, my parents had influenced me in a variety of ways.
Even by not interfering---think about it. Isn't no choice a choice?
And if no choice is a choice, isn't all choices an option too?
Whatever it is, I have to confess I used to hate the way I am.
And to be frank, once in a while, the sentiment resurfaces.
I hate my humble upbringings, and the fact that I am burdened with their burden.
I hate their lack of planning and their take-it-as-it-is-and-Heaven-will-help-when-necessary mentality.
The truth is, I still believe that God helps those who help themselves.
That aside, I am thankful that I tried to be the best I can.
(Gee, sounds like some speech people say when they are going to die hoh? Aiyoh, no la. Please don't get the wrong idea. I am merely doing some reflections)
My parents offered me a humble upbringing. Unfortunately, my relatives were the mercenary ones.
I can remember being compared to my same age cousin and her brother, who were the highest achievers in my paternal family.
All the time. For as long as I can remember.
(My maternal family is more relaxed. Thank God. Can you imagine two walls cornering me? One is quite enough...really.)
One became a doctor. One became a lawyer.
And for a while, I was really upset about things that my uncle had said (I think he said it when I was quite young, say 10 years old thereabouts?).
My daughter will become a lawyer and yours (telling to my dad) will be just a clerk outside the lawyer's office.
I remember feeling very bitter.
My dad? He can just laugh. He is always like that.
And what else can I say? I can only pretend I didn't understand, even when they were speaking in Mandarin.
Deep down inside, I told myself that I will never let his 'vision' materialize.
And that I was going to be bigger than a clerk outside the lawyer's office.
As to what construes 'bigger', then, I hadn't the least idea. I just know I must perform, and I must make him swallow his words.
At least that was really what I had told myself.
So, really, my high-achieving, perfectionist nature is not without basis. I mean, yes, I was already doing relatively well in school; that incident (coupled with another in my toddler years) just spurred me harder.
Is it a good thing?
Ha, I don't know.
I can't judge, can I? But anyhow, I have to just say, maybe I am melancholy in nature, maybe I am always trying to be more achieving, I am still happy at the way I turned out.
(I am not sure if I would have said the same thing had I not gone to the States).
A good person, at the very least.
That is important, isn't it?
I am not perfect, but at least, I know my heart is clean and pure. (um..although sometimes I have to confess that I wish my heart was a little blacker, then I can be nonchalant about the many vexing issues in my life. Ah-ha! Escapism!)
But really, what I mean to say with this entry is...
(Apparently, there had been comments that I tell good stories...as in my 'plot' development in my blog is interesting. I hope this entry still carries that flavour. *smiles*)
I am not sure if my decision to take up the position is the best thing I can do.
But I am sure, I am doing it not because of my own needs/wants and that makes me contented.
Wait..what am I saying?
...
I have accepted a full-time position at a company.
Yes...*cringe*
It is not something I had imagined.
The thing is, going back to my previous institution is more favourable, in terms of time resource allocation.
But financially, it is a little tough.
No, it is not that they don't pay me well. It is just that...(I will explain in a while).
The current offer requires a 42-hour work week, and they are actually able to work around the timings I take my Diploma course.
One tick.
They pay me CPF (um...I have never really had much contributions and I need it...kind of).
One tick.
They allow me to engage in resource planning.
One tick.
The pay allows me to plan ahead.
Two ticks.
If you would believe it, my heart goes out to working in the Polytechnic.
For one, I will have ample time to study. For my Chinese course exams which happen almost every month.
And for my Japanese course.
And for me to revise my Spanish before I head back for a level placement test (and yes, I will take it up again--I just don't know when because I don't have the time right now).
How many ticks is that?
Three ticks.
But if you level it out, and putting my long-term plan into perspective, it is not something I can manage with.
And really, if you think about it, I didn't really take up this job for myself.
I take it up for them.
Silly? Maybe.
Stupid? Maybe.
But am I regretful? Am I hateful? Am I resentful?
...
No.
Surprisingly.
I don't know how much you know of my future plans...but one thing is for sure, the States was not meant to be my last stop.
(Wait, I say this in my perspective. Of course, if God makes me stay in Singapore, I cannot actually do anything.)
I still want to explore Japan. Central America.
Shanghai. Taiwan.
And because of that, I need to work towards that plan.
Right?
...
Life is not a bed of roses. It never was meant to be.
At any one time, we are climbing. Or we are resting.
The way I see it: I have climbed a bit. Maybe it is time to rest.
How long will I rest?
I don't know...I give myself 1 year-1 and a half years.
If I get the Japan stint, good.
If I don't get the Japan stint, then I will take a short holiday to Central America and stay there for a month or two.
(Again, I emphasize, these are merely plans in my little neural network, which I plan to execute. I may not be able to do it, but I will work towards it.)
Then I will re-examine my options (and hopefully, pray that my Spanish is of such functional proficiency that I can work in Spain)...
...
So really, is this a good decision?
*silence*
I won't really know.
But it is the best I can do for them for now.
And that is quite sufficient.
*takes a deep breath* *Maybe the oxygen will help me pen my thoughts*
*I am not sure but I would like to believe that it has helped*
The RCIA session last night focused on the family and how it has shaped you to become the person you are.
How uncanny a coincidence.
So really, how has my family shaped me?
To be honest, my most immediate reply would be that it has not done anything.
Because I didn't grow up with my parents, remember?
But that is of course, just a superficial answer.
Por supuesto, my parents had influenced me in a variety of ways.
Even by not interfering---think about it. Isn't no choice a choice?
And if no choice is a choice, isn't all choices an option too?
Whatever it is, I have to confess I used to hate the way I am.
And to be frank, once in a while, the sentiment resurfaces.
I hate my humble upbringings, and the fact that I am burdened with their burden.
I hate their lack of planning and their take-it-as-it-is-and-Heaven-will-help-when-necessary mentality.
The truth is, I still believe that God helps those who help themselves.
That aside, I am thankful that I tried to be the best I can.
(Gee, sounds like some speech people say when they are going to die hoh? Aiyoh, no la. Please don't get the wrong idea. I am merely doing some reflections)
My parents offered me a humble upbringing. Unfortunately, my relatives were the mercenary ones.
I can remember being compared to my same age cousin and her brother, who were the highest achievers in my paternal family.
All the time. For as long as I can remember.
(My maternal family is more relaxed. Thank God. Can you imagine two walls cornering me? One is quite enough...really.)
One became a doctor. One became a lawyer.
And for a while, I was really upset about things that my uncle had said (I think he said it when I was quite young, say 10 years old thereabouts?).
My daughter will become a lawyer and yours (telling to my dad) will be just a clerk outside the lawyer's office.
I remember feeling very bitter.
My dad? He can just laugh. He is always like that.
And what else can I say? I can only pretend I didn't understand, even when they were speaking in Mandarin.
Deep down inside, I told myself that I will never let his 'vision' materialize.
And that I was going to be bigger than a clerk outside the lawyer's office.
As to what construes 'bigger', then, I hadn't the least idea. I just know I must perform, and I must make him swallow his words.
At least that was really what I had told myself.
So, really, my high-achieving, perfectionist nature is not without basis. I mean, yes, I was already doing relatively well in school; that incident (coupled with another in my toddler years) just spurred me harder.
Is it a good thing?
Ha, I don't know.
I can't judge, can I? But anyhow, I have to just say, maybe I am melancholy in nature, maybe I am always trying to be more achieving, I am still happy at the way I turned out.
(I am not sure if I would have said the same thing had I not gone to the States).
A good person, at the very least.
That is important, isn't it?
I am not perfect, but at least, I know my heart is clean and pure. (um..although sometimes I have to confess that I wish my heart was a little blacker, then I can be nonchalant about the many vexing issues in my life. Ah-ha! Escapism!)
But really, what I mean to say with this entry is...
(Apparently, there had been comments that I tell good stories...as in my 'plot' development in my blog is interesting. I hope this entry still carries that flavour. *smiles*)
I am not sure if my decision to take up the position is the best thing I can do.
But I am sure, I am doing it not because of my own needs/wants and that makes me contented.
Wait..what am I saying?
...
I have accepted a full-time position at a company.
Yes...*cringe*
It is not something I had imagined.
The thing is, going back to my previous institution is more favourable, in terms of time resource allocation.
But financially, it is a little tough.
No, it is not that they don't pay me well. It is just that...(I will explain in a while).
The current offer requires a 42-hour work week, and they are actually able to work around the timings I take my Diploma course.
One tick.
They pay me CPF (um...I have never really had much contributions and I need it...kind of).
One tick.
They allow me to engage in resource planning.
One tick.
The pay allows me to plan ahead.
Two ticks.
If you would believe it, my heart goes out to working in the Polytechnic.
For one, I will have ample time to study. For my Chinese course exams which happen almost every month.
And for my Japanese course.
And for me to revise my Spanish before I head back for a level placement test (and yes, I will take it up again--I just don't know when because I don't have the time right now).
How many ticks is that?
Three ticks.
But if you level it out, and putting my long-term plan into perspective, it is not something I can manage with.
And really, if you think about it, I didn't really take up this job for myself.
I take it up for them.
Silly? Maybe.
Stupid? Maybe.
But am I regretful? Am I hateful? Am I resentful?
...
No.
Surprisingly.
I don't know how much you know of my future plans...but one thing is for sure, the States was not meant to be my last stop.
(Wait, I say this in my perspective. Of course, if God makes me stay in Singapore, I cannot actually do anything.)
I still want to explore Japan. Central America.
Shanghai. Taiwan.
And because of that, I need to work towards that plan.
Right?
...
Life is not a bed of roses. It never was meant to be.
At any one time, we are climbing. Or we are resting.
The way I see it: I have climbed a bit. Maybe it is time to rest.
How long will I rest?
I don't know...I give myself 1 year-1 and a half years.
If I get the Japan stint, good.
If I don't get the Japan stint, then I will take a short holiday to Central America and stay there for a month or two.
(Again, I emphasize, these are merely plans in my little neural network, which I plan to execute. I may not be able to do it, but I will work towards it.)
Then I will re-examine my options (and hopefully, pray that my Spanish is of such functional proficiency that I can work in Spain)...
...
So really, is this a good decision?
*silence*
I won't really know.
But it is the best I can do for them for now.
And that is quite sufficient.
Monday, March 17, 2008
To listen harder
Pardon my errantic behaviour and hence bewildering entry yesterday.
I am feeling better today. Much better.
...
I guess, after all my thoughts have settled down--thanks to the help of R--I can't help but admit that maybe I really shouldn't be trying too hard.
I am really hoping for acceptance. I am really craving for understanding.
But really, can my family really really understand me?
Can they really understand why I do certain things, and why I don't do certain things?
Can they really appreciate the reason why I adopt certain modes, and why I don't recommend other means?
I don't know.
I can just say, I tried my best, because I had thought that it was just that physical ocean that separated us.
Maybe not. Maybe not, after all.
...
So why is my life empty? Or rather, why am I feeling that my life is empty?
I think its a variety of reasons. Ultimately, maybe because I have lost focus.
Aiyoh...I don't know why that happens to me so much. Losing focus seems to be in my blood.
What are my goals in life?
Umm...
Umm...
I can't comment as of now. But I am sure I do have them somewhere in sight.
Lurking in some corner of my head. Waiting to be unveiled.
I think, I just need to listen hard enough.
Or rather, listen harder.
Something which I haven't been able to do since I got back.
Which I should really endeavour to do this Holy Week.
I am feeling better today. Much better.
...
I guess, after all my thoughts have settled down--thanks to the help of R--I can't help but admit that maybe I really shouldn't be trying too hard.
I am really hoping for acceptance. I am really craving for understanding.
But really, can my family really really understand me?
Can they really understand why I do certain things, and why I don't do certain things?
Can they really appreciate the reason why I adopt certain modes, and why I don't recommend other means?
I don't know.
I can just say, I tried my best, because I had thought that it was just that physical ocean that separated us.
Maybe not. Maybe not, after all.
...
So why is my life empty? Or rather, why am I feeling that my life is empty?
I think its a variety of reasons. Ultimately, maybe because I have lost focus.
Aiyoh...I don't know why that happens to me so much. Losing focus seems to be in my blood.
What are my goals in life?
Umm...
Umm...
I can't comment as of now. But I am sure I do have them somewhere in sight.
Lurking in some corner of my head. Waiting to be unveiled.
I think, I just need to listen hard enough.
Or rather, listen harder.
Something which I haven't been able to do since I got back.
Which I should really endeavour to do this Holy Week.
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Hitting rock-bottom. Breathe.
I am feeling very shitty today.
So bear with me--this is going to be a shitty entry.
Super shitty. Depressing. Melancholy.
Dark. Evil. Lurking.
Demonic (I am exaggerating).
...
I have lost the spring in my step.
I think I lost it since Sat.
The truth is, it feels bad enough to be living a life of waste.
What is a life of waste? I don't know.
Like me now. Wasting away.
No, not wasting time away. I am living a life of abundance.
I have so many things to do and worry about that I have no time to stone. 'I' am so abundant.
But I feel my soul wasting away.
I hate life now. I hate it.
I hate the environment. The space that chokes me to death. The many routines and rules.
I hate the people. The quarrels. The good-for-nothing people in my life.
I hate the lessons I need to learn. Money lessons. Time lessons.
I hate everything now.
I hate God.
I hate myself.
I hate everything....
so much so that I wish I can run away.
...
But I can't run anymore.
There is no place to run to.
Or rather, I have just decided to stay right here and be brave.
Although I don't know how to fight all this. Frankly.
Although I don't even think I can do it. Honestly.
Although I can feel each and every cell in my body breaking away, wasting away...
I wish I can just take my heart out and paint it the way the whole world wants me to be.
That would be nice, really nice.
I wouldn't cry.
I wouldn't be frustrated.
I wouldn't need to blog.
Then I won't be having issues with everything, and looking like a misfit.
...
And stop giving me the advice that everyone has their ups and downs.
Sorry, I hope you don't take it the wrong way.
I know you will say that and I am grateful for that.
So really, thanks. I appreciate the gesture.
It is just not the thing I need.
I know what I need...so really, just stay where you are and continue breathing.
That is enough for me, for now.
...
That is it. Just keep on breathing.
So bear with me--this is going to be a shitty entry.
Super shitty. Depressing. Melancholy.
Dark. Evil. Lurking.
Demonic (I am exaggerating).
...
I have lost the spring in my step.
I think I lost it since Sat.
The truth is, it feels bad enough to be living a life of waste.
What is a life of waste? I don't know.
Like me now. Wasting away.
No, not wasting time away. I am living a life of abundance.
I have so many things to do and worry about that I have no time to stone. 'I' am so abundant.
But I feel my soul wasting away.
I hate life now. I hate it.
I hate the environment. The space that chokes me to death. The many routines and rules.
I hate the people. The quarrels. The good-for-nothing people in my life.
I hate the lessons I need to learn. Money lessons. Time lessons.
I hate everything now.
I hate God.
I hate myself.
I hate everything....
so much so that I wish I can run away.
...
But I can't run anymore.
There is no place to run to.
Or rather, I have just decided to stay right here and be brave.
Although I don't know how to fight all this. Frankly.
Although I don't even think I can do it. Honestly.
Although I can feel each and every cell in my body breaking away, wasting away...
I wish I can just take my heart out and paint it the way the whole world wants me to be.
That would be nice, really nice.
I wouldn't cry.
I wouldn't be frustrated.
I wouldn't need to blog.
Then I won't be having issues with everything, and looking like a misfit.
...
And stop giving me the advice that everyone has their ups and downs.
Sorry, I hope you don't take it the wrong way.
I know you will say that and I am grateful for that.
So really, thanks. I appreciate the gesture.
It is just not the thing I need.
I know what I need...so really, just stay where you are and continue breathing.
That is enough for me, for now.
...
That is it. Just keep on breathing.
Monday, March 10, 2008
The art of being crazy
I am 'done' with classes for one more module. Yay.
It means I have another six more modules to go. Which frankly, feels like a long time, but um, I am sure is bear-able.
I have been back for nearly a month now. And it feels like a long time again.
And no, don 't get me wrong. I do not mean to say that this one month has been tormenting; I am just commenting that it feels like I have been back for a long time. As to why I have this feeling, I am not exactly sure.
I guess I don't really need to know why anyway.
...
I have submitted my first (actually, it is not strictly my first because a long time back--say 15 years ago at least) I once tried to submit my article too.
Of course, I was disappointed.
And honestly, if you ask me now, I would say that I have a feeling my article will be rejected.
It is one thing for myself to be confident of my writing, and another for people to like my writing.
It is one thing to write in my little book of reflections and another for people to read my reflections.
Whatever it is, I wouldn't know. If they like it, they will let me know (I think). If it is not up to standard, then well, I will just take it as it is.
Acknowledgement. That is what I will do.
*smiles*
...
On the little list in front of me, I have 3 items under the heading "TO-DO".
One is to write and then try my luck at submitting; the next is to send a recording to become a part-time dee-jay, and the last is to bake.
Will I really get down to doing it?
That is a hard question.
I mean, if you ask me, why do I choose these three? Well, because these are things I have ALWAYS wanted to do.
(But then the irony is, I always want to do so many things. So really, for me to get down to this list, is a miracle!)
Put it another way: These are things which I have always wanted to do, and which I feel I shouldn't delay any longer.
Yes, I like this way of putting it.
...
If you think about it, the cycle of acceptance and rejection is but another phase of a natural cycle in life.
Like the commenter on the two young managers put it (these two men put in their own capital to open a new cinema in Singapore), it is all about being 'crazy'.
Of course, that is my exaggerated interpretation of the word.
What I mean, in a more acceptable version, is to be passionate.
"If there is no sense of adventure, then there won't be an audience. There won't be creativity because there won't be productions. There won't be directors and there won't be scripters. How then do you expect the foreign firms to support local films?"
(I am still trying to hone my art in translation).
We all have little dreams.
And part of the process of weaving dreams is the acceptance that there is potential for failure, and the acknowledgement that rejection is part of life.
And so I live my life thereon.
...
And maybe that is why the one month has seemed to be a long time...
It means I have another six more modules to go. Which frankly, feels like a long time, but um, I am sure is bear-able.
I have been back for nearly a month now. And it feels like a long time again.
And no, don 't get me wrong. I do not mean to say that this one month has been tormenting; I am just commenting that it feels like I have been back for a long time. As to why I have this feeling, I am not exactly sure.
I guess I don't really need to know why anyway.
...
I have submitted my first (actually, it is not strictly my first because a long time back--say 15 years ago at least) I once tried to submit my article too.
Of course, I was disappointed.
And honestly, if you ask me now, I would say that I have a feeling my article will be rejected.
It is one thing for myself to be confident of my writing, and another for people to like my writing.
It is one thing to write in my little book of reflections and another for people to read my reflections.
Whatever it is, I wouldn't know. If they like it, they will let me know (I think). If it is not up to standard, then well, I will just take it as it is.
Acknowledgement. That is what I will do.
*smiles*
...
On the little list in front of me, I have 3 items under the heading "TO-DO".
One is to write and then try my luck at submitting; the next is to send a recording to become a part-time dee-jay, and the last is to bake.
Will I really get down to doing it?
That is a hard question.
I mean, if you ask me, why do I choose these three? Well, because these are things I have ALWAYS wanted to do.
(But then the irony is, I always want to do so many things. So really, for me to get down to this list, is a miracle!)
Put it another way: These are things which I have always wanted to do, and which I feel I shouldn't delay any longer.
Yes, I like this way of putting it.
...
If you think about it, the cycle of acceptance and rejection is but another phase of a natural cycle in life.
Like the commenter on the two young managers put it (these two men put in their own capital to open a new cinema in Singapore), it is all about being 'crazy'.
Of course, that is my exaggerated interpretation of the word.
What I mean, in a more acceptable version, is to be passionate.
"If there is no sense of adventure, then there won't be an audience. There won't be creativity because there won't be productions. There won't be directors and there won't be scripters. How then do you expect the foreign firms to support local films?"
(I am still trying to hone my art in translation).
We all have little dreams.
And part of the process of weaving dreams is the acceptance that there is potential for failure, and the acknowledgement that rejection is part of life.
And so I live my life thereon.
...
And maybe that is why the one month has seemed to be a long time...
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
27 steps up the mountain
It is raining again this morning.
Another gloomy and almost-stormy (the meterologist forecast thunders, but they haven't reached us yet) day.
I don't like the rain (but I like Sun Yan-zi though).
(Did you just scratch your head? Um, Sun Yan-zi sang yu tian and tian hei hei wah...oki, never mind.)
Anyway, I don't like the rain. So it makes me gloomy too.
...
It was my birthday yesterday.
It wasn't one that was estupendamente.
Why, you asked?
Hhmm, maybe because I didn't get treats?
Hhmm, maybe because I didn't get many presents?
Hhmm, maybe it is because I didn't get many cards?
Hhmm, maybe it is because I feel forgotten?
I don't know.
I really don't know.
But the radio show yesterday did give me a bit of an insight.
The dee-jay was reflecting on how she was feeling down during the Chinese New Year, a season she usually associated with joy and happiness.
As in, on other years, she would be very excited. But this year, she wasn't feeling that way at all.
It was on a talk show and there was a guest who had been invited to sit in to offer her opinions.
Apparently, it was all a matter of being overburdened.
And as the dee-jay reflected, she had to agree.
She was preparing for her two-month study while trying to meet deadlines at work.
In other words, there were competing priorities everywhere. And her psyche just couldn't manage it.
Is that me? Gee, I don't know.
But I do feel disgruntlement. That, I have to confess.
There are some things that I badly want to shake off, which I will hence not bring to discussion anymore. If you had read my previous blog before I left for the US, you will know what it is. Sadly, it is still the same thing.
Sadly and disappointingly, nothing has changed. When I would have assumed otherwise.
I guess I was too naive.
You know, we still have misgivings por supesto (of course); I just decide not to brood about it.
Exactly how hard that is, I can't comment. I can only say, sometimes I really feel like taking a stool and wrecking everything in my sight.
Eh, and to think I have always thought I am amicable (coughs) and easy-going (coughs again). Maybe I do have violence tendencies too huh! So everyone beware!
But these days I take the option of taking a stroll in the park downstairs. I may not always return home with a clear head (sometimes the mosquitoes get the better of me and I return more flustered...haha) but the teary eyes do really make me feel slightly better.
Yes, I am a cry-er. I don't feel ashamed by that.
Just that day, she had asked me why I cry. "Why are you crying when you are so old already?"
And I retorted "MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS".
It is not something I would have imagined that I could say, or that I will ever say. But I had said it.
With a tone that I have never imagined to use.
Did I mean it? Had I accidentally let it all off? Had I unknowingly hurt someone's feelings?
The thing is, before I left for US, I was always taking it down. (Yes, you will know too, right? Now you know why my previous blog is black?) Whatever people said, however wrong it may be, however unjustified it was, I had taken it all down inside.
Just so that there will be peace. For everybody.
I was a bottle. A bottle that was bottomless.
That could take all nonsense indefinitely.
Or so I had hoped to be. Or aspired to become.
So when everyone has had their feel cursing and scolding and lamenting, I was left bruised. By the many unkind words which are probably unintentional.
Please note, I do know that they are unintentional. I just don't have the same practice because I mean things that I say.
So when I was confronted that day, and I lost it, I just said the things that I really had felt for a long time--good-for-nothing, loafer,...
It doesn't matter if he processes it and gets hurt. He had hurt me in the first place.
...
The fact is, I don't know if this change is good.
But it does feel good to stand up for myself.
And so, I guess this period of gloominess is something I have to fight.
They don't like the idea of my prospective job. Because...to them, it is not a 'proper' job.
I don't know why. I don't steal and I don't rob.
But maybe that is the way it is. I would never do things that make them happy.
I acknowledge the fact that we have competing requests. I acknowledge the fact that we have differing requests.
I also acknowledge the fact that no matter what we do, it is not going to please 100%.
I acknowledge that as long as I can account to my conscience and to God, nothing else really matters.
What good does pointing fingers do? If I may point fingers, should I point my fingers at my parents for the lack of financial planning? Or should I point my fingers for their lack of financial education?
Or do I point my finger at my brother for being a skiver, and a good-for-nothing?
Or maybe I should point my finger at myself for not having the courage and the psyche to walk away from home and live independently on my own? (And then I can point fingers at myself for not being filial with all the other fingers that are pointing at me.)
I am doing my best. That I am positive.
I have a wandering heart. I am trying my very best to curb it.
I so much want to run away, that I have to confess. But I have chosen not to this time round, for now at least, to stay put and climb this step.
I remember reading once, that life is like climbing a mountain (no, it is not a box of chocolates; I don't like chocolates). You cannot look down; you just have to keep your head up.
You have to persevere every step--because only when you make the effort without sticking your hands in the pockets, can you climb.
You cannot hesitate too long; you just have to keep on walking.
And when you get to the top of the mountain, you will see the magnificent view.
You will then appreciate it.
It is a difficult analogy, but I hope it will work for you if you are in a difficult situation right now.
As I was sharing with my mum, we all have crosses. That is using the Christian perspective.
Maybe for you, you can liken life to a mountain.
We all have mountains to climb, some smaller than others. Some steeper than others.
From afar, someone else's mountain may look easier; well, I can only say that the grass will always look greener on the other side.
Whatever it is, your mountain is personalized. By the many little decisions in your life which you never thought mattered.
(Wah, I sound so philosophical).
And if I ponder to reflect on myself a day after my birthday, I have to confess that 6mth stint in the USA was really worthwhile.
At the very least, I have learnt to stand up for myself.
And not have to put up with nonsense which I find ridiculous.
...
Anyway, I am kidding about the presents and the cards and the feeling about being forgotten.
(I hope you realized that!)
I am grateful that you are reading my blog and sharing my journey with me. That is what really matters.
Everyday is a birthday. If I am living true to my core everyday.
And I do hope we will scale hand-in-hand all the mountains in our lives together.
Another gloomy and almost-stormy (the meterologist forecast thunders, but they haven't reached us yet) day.
I don't like the rain (but I like Sun Yan-zi though).
(Did you just scratch your head? Um, Sun Yan-zi sang yu tian and tian hei hei wah...oki, never mind.)
Anyway, I don't like the rain. So it makes me gloomy too.
...
It was my birthday yesterday.
It wasn't one that was estupendamente.
Why, you asked?
Hhmm, maybe because I didn't get treats?
Hhmm, maybe because I didn't get many presents?
Hhmm, maybe it is because I didn't get many cards?
Hhmm, maybe it is because I feel forgotten?
I don't know.
I really don't know.
But the radio show yesterday did give me a bit of an insight.
The dee-jay was reflecting on how she was feeling down during the Chinese New Year, a season she usually associated with joy and happiness.
As in, on other years, she would be very excited. But this year, she wasn't feeling that way at all.
It was on a talk show and there was a guest who had been invited to sit in to offer her opinions.
Apparently, it was all a matter of being overburdened.
And as the dee-jay reflected, she had to agree.
She was preparing for her two-month study while trying to meet deadlines at work.
In other words, there were competing priorities everywhere. And her psyche just couldn't manage it.
Is that me? Gee, I don't know.
But I do feel disgruntlement. That, I have to confess.
There are some things that I badly want to shake off, which I will hence not bring to discussion anymore. If you had read my previous blog before I left for the US, you will know what it is. Sadly, it is still the same thing.
Sadly and disappointingly, nothing has changed. When I would have assumed otherwise.
I guess I was too naive.
You know, we still have misgivings por supesto (of course); I just decide not to brood about it.
Exactly how hard that is, I can't comment. I can only say, sometimes I really feel like taking a stool and wrecking everything in my sight.
Eh, and to think I have always thought I am amicable (coughs) and easy-going (coughs again). Maybe I do have violence tendencies too huh! So everyone beware!
But these days I take the option of taking a stroll in the park downstairs. I may not always return home with a clear head (sometimes the mosquitoes get the better of me and I return more flustered...haha) but the teary eyes do really make me feel slightly better.
Yes, I am a cry-er. I don't feel ashamed by that.
Just that day, she had asked me why I cry. "Why are you crying when you are so old already?"
And I retorted "MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS".
It is not something I would have imagined that I could say, or that I will ever say. But I had said it.
With a tone that I have never imagined to use.
Did I mean it? Had I accidentally let it all off? Had I unknowingly hurt someone's feelings?
The thing is, before I left for US, I was always taking it down. (Yes, you will know too, right? Now you know why my previous blog is black?) Whatever people said, however wrong it may be, however unjustified it was, I had taken it all down inside.
Just so that there will be peace. For everybody.
I was a bottle. A bottle that was bottomless.
That could take all nonsense indefinitely.
Or so I had hoped to be. Or aspired to become.
So when everyone has had their feel cursing and scolding and lamenting, I was left bruised. By the many unkind words which are probably unintentional.
Please note, I do know that they are unintentional. I just don't have the same practice because I mean things that I say.
So when I was confronted that day, and I lost it, I just said the things that I really had felt for a long time--good-for-nothing, loafer,...
It doesn't matter if he processes it and gets hurt. He had hurt me in the first place.
...
The fact is, I don't know if this change is good.
But it does feel good to stand up for myself.
And so, I guess this period of gloominess is something I have to fight.
They don't like the idea of my prospective job. Because...to them, it is not a 'proper' job.
I don't know why. I don't steal and I don't rob.
But maybe that is the way it is. I would never do things that make them happy.
I acknowledge the fact that we have competing requests. I acknowledge the fact that we have differing requests.
I also acknowledge the fact that no matter what we do, it is not going to please 100%.
I acknowledge that as long as I can account to my conscience and to God, nothing else really matters.
What good does pointing fingers do? If I may point fingers, should I point my fingers at my parents for the lack of financial planning? Or should I point my fingers for their lack of financial education?
Or do I point my finger at my brother for being a skiver, and a good-for-nothing?
Or maybe I should point my finger at myself for not having the courage and the psyche to walk away from home and live independently on my own? (And then I can point fingers at myself for not being filial with all the other fingers that are pointing at me.)
I am doing my best. That I am positive.
I have a wandering heart. I am trying my very best to curb it.
I so much want to run away, that I have to confess. But I have chosen not to this time round, for now at least, to stay put and climb this step.
I remember reading once, that life is like climbing a mountain (no, it is not a box of chocolates; I don't like chocolates). You cannot look down; you just have to keep your head up.
You have to persevere every step--because only when you make the effort without sticking your hands in the pockets, can you climb.
You cannot hesitate too long; you just have to keep on walking.
And when you get to the top of the mountain, you will see the magnificent view.
You will then appreciate it.
It is a difficult analogy, but I hope it will work for you if you are in a difficult situation right now.
As I was sharing with my mum, we all have crosses. That is using the Christian perspective.
Maybe for you, you can liken life to a mountain.
We all have mountains to climb, some smaller than others. Some steeper than others.
From afar, someone else's mountain may look easier; well, I can only say that the grass will always look greener on the other side.
Whatever it is, your mountain is personalized. By the many little decisions in your life which you never thought mattered.
(Wah, I sound so philosophical).
And if I ponder to reflect on myself a day after my birthday, I have to confess that 6mth stint in the USA was really worthwhile.
At the very least, I have learnt to stand up for myself.
And not have to put up with nonsense which I find ridiculous.
...
Anyway, I am kidding about the presents and the cards and the feeling about being forgotten.
(I hope you realized that!)
I am grateful that you are reading my blog and sharing my journey with me. That is what really matters.
Everyday is a birthday. If I am living true to my core everyday.
And I do hope we will scale hand-in-hand all the mountains in our lives together.
Monday, March 3, 2008
Aiyah...
I don't actually have much to write about. Ha, it is funny that I never seem to be in neutrality. I am either too busy to blog (and that is when I have a lot of grievances to voice, incidentally) or now, when I have the time to blog, I don't actually have much to say.
Actually, I do have something to say. I just don't quite know how to structure it to say it properly.
Anyhows...
I was initially exasperated at all the waiting I have been doing. One of the parties called me up on Sunday night.
It was to my delight, and to my parent's disappointment.
My delight because it was somewhat the thing I am hoping for.
To my parents' disappointment is evident...I mean, if it is something I hope for, it is probably (though not always) something they don't quite hope for.
Whatever it is, the fact that I had told myself that I will take whatever that comes first means I will take it.
It is not an easy decision to do that. I mean, I really do hope to do something to make them happy...
It just didn't happen. Yet. Now.
...
To a certain extent, I am thankful. Thankful because this is one step closer to my original intentions.
But having said that, please do not get the wrong impression--I do acknowledge that I can be disappointed and that this is just one miniature shift in the particular direction I am steering, or at least hoping to steer, to.
I mean, I am thrilled, even though I know this kind of a life has the potential to wear me out. The thing is, I figured I will be worn out willingly. You know what I mean? (Although the truth is, I will be worn out willingly no matter what the situation is. Duh...)
...
I don't know how to look at mi cumpleanos.
I think I should be happy that I am spending it here, but I am not exactly feeling that way. I think the burdens of life are blocking my sight.
And frankly, I have to confess that I do wonder about being here. It is so strange, but I feel this way.
And yes, my old tendency is sneaking up on me again! Aiyah! *hits the tendency*
*Gee...I am starting to look like I am in some Korean drama, ain't I?*
...
I guess this year is a bit less different.
I have no sense of anticpation. Which is weird.
Am I too busy? Um...no comments.
Am I too fed-up? Um...no comments.
Am I too...I don't know. I guess it is just different.
...
Another organization just called me up and said they may be interested in granting me an interview.
I wished I had said no, but I didn't.
Yikes.
And no, that is also not something that will make my parents happy.
Is it me, or is it them, I don't know.
I wish we are communicating more...but we aren't.
And I am really not sure why that is so.
Actually, I do have something to say. I just don't quite know how to structure it to say it properly.
Anyhows...
I was initially exasperated at all the waiting I have been doing. One of the parties called me up on Sunday night.
It was to my delight, and to my parent's disappointment.
My delight because it was somewhat the thing I am hoping for.
To my parents' disappointment is evident...I mean, if it is something I hope for, it is probably (though not always) something they don't quite hope for.
Whatever it is, the fact that I had told myself that I will take whatever that comes first means I will take it.
It is not an easy decision to do that. I mean, I really do hope to do something to make them happy...
It just didn't happen. Yet. Now.
...
To a certain extent, I am thankful. Thankful because this is one step closer to my original intentions.
But having said that, please do not get the wrong impression--I do acknowledge that I can be disappointed and that this is just one miniature shift in the particular direction I am steering, or at least hoping to steer, to.
I mean, I am thrilled, even though I know this kind of a life has the potential to wear me out. The thing is, I figured I will be worn out willingly. You know what I mean? (Although the truth is, I will be worn out willingly no matter what the situation is. Duh...)
...
I don't know how to look at mi cumpleanos.
I think I should be happy that I am spending it here, but I am not exactly feeling that way. I think the burdens of life are blocking my sight.
And frankly, I have to confess that I do wonder about being here. It is so strange, but I feel this way.
And yes, my old tendency is sneaking up on me again! Aiyah! *hits the tendency*
*Gee...I am starting to look like I am in some Korean drama, ain't I?*
...
I guess this year is a bit less different.
I have no sense of anticpation. Which is weird.
Am I too busy? Um...no comments.
Am I too fed-up? Um...no comments.
Am I too...I don't know. I guess it is just different.
...
Another organization just called me up and said they may be interested in granting me an interview.
I wished I had said no, but I didn't.
Yikes.
And no, that is also not something that will make my parents happy.
Is it me, or is it them, I don't know.
I wish we are communicating more...but we aren't.
And I am really not sure why that is so.
Sunday, March 2, 2008
I just hope I won't be defeated
I started my first day of 'job' yesterday.
I said 'job' because it is not really my job. It is just something I do for initiation.
For that first chance that will turn into something hopefully bigger in future.
No, I am still waiting for prospective employers to get back to me. I have written to a few prospective organizations and I am waiting...
No, nobody has got back to me yet.
So yes, I am a little vexed...not exactly because nobody is getting back to me, but kind of related to that.
Because my parents keep thinking I am not looking hard enough.
But I am trying my best already. I really am.
...
I just want to sigh.
My mum just brought up one facet of the past which I have absolutely no recollection of.
She said, during my volunteer trip to Vietnam, she had asked me not to go, but I had insisted.
She said because of her surgery then, she had requested that I not go. But I hadn't heeded her call.
She said she had hit my brother hard because he had refused to run her errands and she was physically bleeding and what not.
Um, I am very disappointed in her when I heard that.
Why disappointed?
Because...just when I thought she and I were both ready to start on a fresh sheet of paper, she brought this up.
I mean, can I cite the thousand and one times when she had broken my heart? I can..., I think, if I want to.
Why is it, at this phase of life, does she still want to cling on to the past?
What good does it do?
I don't have an answer, and I bet I never will. Because I will never be her. And I don't ever want to be her.
So I am lying if I said I am not affected.
Um...I know her memory can be corrupted so exactly how true it is, I hold my reservations.
I am pissed, yes. I am pissed because I am not even sure if it is true or not...and here I am, having to bear with her grieved outpourings all because she saw this painting which aroused her particular facet of memory.
Whatever.
You know, I am at home not because I choose to be at home. I am at home because I need to be at home. Else, who will mop the floor?
Definitely not her.
I have mopped the kitchen floors and the living room floors.
Nowadays, I try to wash the dishes when I can.
Yes, I am beginning to become like an ama de casa.
I am not saying I am a filial kid or what. I am far from one, I clearly know.
But at moments when I get snapped at like this, I am not sure why I am doing it when my mum is not working.
And I shall not venture on to discuss it either.
...
I can only say that it is difficult to live life the way it should be lived out. Slowly. One day at a time.
The waiting will be hard. Like how it is now. Waiting for prospective employers to get back to me.
Waiting, because whether I get a temporary job offer or a permanent job offer will determine if I stay in Singapore next year.
I am anxious. I am nervous.
And I am worried too.
All because I don't know if I can handle God's decision.
I know it sounds very phantom-ish to liken all life's happenings to God.
But that is what faith is about, isn't it? If you have a faith, you will understand.
Living the life out when you have no explanations.
I still hear voices in my head telling me to do this and I still wonder about the feasibility of it. But when that happens, I try to remind myself of what R is always telling me:
Believe that that voice is God's.
And really, I do that.
I still have doubts of course, since I am human.
But I try to do it nonetheless.
...
All I can say is, for now, I am glad that I picked up some aspects of my life.
I have my Chinese Diploma classes. I have a part-time Chinese teaching job. I am going to start my RCIA (say YAY!) next Wednesday.
I do my fair share of household duties. I pay for some of the groceries.
I am looking around for dance class and art class. And no, I can't really pick them up until I find a job because I have no dineros.
Life is hard. It is.
So hard that I want to cry.
So hard that I sometimes wish I hadn't done my Masters but had instead thought harder about the next 5 years when I was 22.
But yes, I hadn't thought hard. And so, I rightfully reap the fruits of my impulsiveness.
Sometimes I still lament that God is unfair. For giving me such an unfavourable situation to clear up.
But well, maybe God didn't intend for there to be that mess. Maybe it is because I had chosen for the mess to unfold.
Really, life is all about choices. The Matrix is right.
It is just that many a times, we can't really see what the choices will escalate into.
We always think it is just an innocent decision. Only to realize that it is but a naive thought we try to conveniently console ourselves with.
...
And worry not. I may be complaining the hell out in this entry, but I am still generally happy.
I genuinely am.
Let's just say, all I really hope is for myself to have that open a heart to accept what God has in store for me, whatever it may be.
And that no matter what happens, I will never stray from His word.
It is not easy I know. But like I said before,
Life is meant to be hard.
It was, it is, and it always will be.
But we were meant to rise above it.
We were always meant to not stay defeated.
I said 'job' because it is not really my job. It is just something I do for initiation.
For that first chance that will turn into something hopefully bigger in future.
No, I am still waiting for prospective employers to get back to me. I have written to a few prospective organizations and I am waiting...
No, nobody has got back to me yet.
So yes, I am a little vexed...not exactly because nobody is getting back to me, but kind of related to that.
Because my parents keep thinking I am not looking hard enough.
But I am trying my best already. I really am.
...
I just want to sigh.
My mum just brought up one facet of the past which I have absolutely no recollection of.
She said, during my volunteer trip to Vietnam, she had asked me not to go, but I had insisted.
She said because of her surgery then, she had requested that I not go. But I hadn't heeded her call.
She said she had hit my brother hard because he had refused to run her errands and she was physically bleeding and what not.
Um, I am very disappointed in her when I heard that.
Why disappointed?
Because...just when I thought she and I were both ready to start on a fresh sheet of paper, she brought this up.
I mean, can I cite the thousand and one times when she had broken my heart? I can..., I think, if I want to.
But I have chosen not to. And I have chosen to not bring it into my memory never again.
Why is it, at this phase of life, does she still want to cling on to the past?
What good does it do?
I don't have an answer, and I bet I never will. Because I will never be her. And I don't ever want to be her.
So I am lying if I said I am not affected.
Um...I know her memory can be corrupted so exactly how true it is, I hold my reservations.
I am pissed, yes. I am pissed because I am not even sure if it is true or not...and here I am, having to bear with her grieved outpourings all because she saw this painting which aroused her particular facet of memory.
Whatever.
You know, I am at home not because I choose to be at home. I am at home because I need to be at home. Else, who will mop the floor?
Definitely not her.
I have mopped the kitchen floors and the living room floors.
Nowadays, I try to wash the dishes when I can.
Yes, I am beginning to become like an ama de casa.
I am not saying I am a filial kid or what. I am far from one, I clearly know.
But at moments when I get snapped at like this, I am not sure why I am doing it when my mum is not working.
And I shall not venture on to discuss it either.
...
I can only say that it is difficult to live life the way it should be lived out. Slowly. One day at a time.
The waiting will be hard. Like how it is now. Waiting for prospective employers to get back to me.
Waiting, because whether I get a temporary job offer or a permanent job offer will determine if I stay in Singapore next year.
I am anxious. I am nervous.
And I am worried too.
All because I don't know if I can handle God's decision.
I know it sounds very phantom-ish to liken all life's happenings to God.
But that is what faith is about, isn't it? If you have a faith, you will understand.
Living the life out when you have no explanations.
I still hear voices in my head telling me to do this and I still wonder about the feasibility of it. But when that happens, I try to remind myself of what R is always telling me:
Believe that that voice is God's.
And really, I do that.
I still have doubts of course, since I am human.
But I try to do it nonetheless.
...
All I can say is, for now, I am glad that I picked up some aspects of my life.
I have my Chinese Diploma classes. I have a part-time Chinese teaching job. I am going to start my RCIA (say YAY!) next Wednesday.
I do my fair share of household duties. I pay for some of the groceries.
I am looking around for dance class and art class. And no, I can't really pick them up until I find a job because I have no dineros.
Life is hard. It is.
So hard that I want to cry.
So hard that I sometimes wish I hadn't done my Masters but had instead thought harder about the next 5 years when I was 22.
But yes, I hadn't thought hard. And so, I rightfully reap the fruits of my impulsiveness.
Sometimes I still lament that God is unfair. For giving me such an unfavourable situation to clear up.
But well, maybe God didn't intend for there to be that mess. Maybe it is because I had chosen for the mess to unfold.
Really, life is all about choices. The Matrix is right.
It is just that many a times, we can't really see what the choices will escalate into.
We always think it is just an innocent decision. Only to realize that it is but a naive thought we try to conveniently console ourselves with.
...
And worry not. I may be complaining the hell out in this entry, but I am still generally happy.
I genuinely am.
Let's just say, all I really hope is for myself to have that open a heart to accept what God has in store for me, whatever it may be.
And that no matter what happens, I will never stray from His word.
It is not easy I know. But like I said before,
Life is meant to be hard.
It was, it is, and it always will be.
But we were meant to rise above it.
We were always meant to not stay defeated.
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