I am setting off for Pittsburgh in a few hours' time.
Excited? Well..more of nervousness. As I always am before a trip.
I am nervous because of many things--this time round, I am nervous because I am taking a night bus there and a night bus back.
I bet you have heard just as back about night buses as I have. Drivers falling asleep at the wheel are among the most hazardous causes of traffic accidents.
...
I have decided to stay there for 3-4 days.
Initially, I wanted to fulfill my call of duty and be back by 1st Jan when I realized I would be quite foolish to do that.
Come on! What good will it do me?
I am most likely to be clearing dishes, and fighting for the bathroom to shower.
I think I deserve a better New Year than that.
And I kind of believe in that I deserve that good a beginning to my year, as I deserve that good a day every day of my life.
It is hard to believe in it all the time. But the bottom line is, you have to start to believe in it.
And know that you stand by this belief no matter what.
...
I wasn't happy when the kid said
"the salad is turning a little ripe. You should eat it."
Huh?
"what do you mean by ripe?"
...um, stale?"
Oki...
"and if it is ripe, why should I eat it? Why are we not tossing it out?"
I don't know, but it baffles me as to where she gets this sense of superiority from.
Because I am employed in the household, does it mean I have to take stale food?
Come on...I already am not complaining when you don't buy me the grapes and strawberries and fresh Collard greens as requested on the shopping list.
Nor did I complain when I have to fork out money from my own pocket to buy fish.
And I thought you should be paying for all my food and my lodging?
...
I am sorry to whine again.
Like I confessed to many of you, this is my sanity base.
I write because I am upset, because I am irritated, because I am frustrated, because I feel bullied.
But then again, while it is not the best scenario that I can anticipate, I still am thankful for being here.
And I give thanks with a grateful heart.
See you next week! Have a Happy Blessed year ahead.
God bless.
Friday, December 28, 2007
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Everyday is a gift from God--Sometimes I just forgot
I was feeling really sick just now.
So sick I had to take a nap because I could feel the bout of flu coming.
Maybe I got it because it is winter.
Or maybe I got it because yesterday, E got it and he was away from the party as a result.
Whatever it is, I had to make sure I don't come down with it.
Because I wanted to be in the best condition to go meet my friends this weekend.
I am going to Pittsburg.
...
Waiting is painful.
Waiting for anything.
Waiting and hoping that what you are waiting for is worthy is especially hard. Because you just may not have it end up the way you want it to be.
I am due to go on rematch already...but I have heard that because of the very fact that it is the Christmas-New year season, nobody is actually looking for anyone. And so I am just in limbo.
Again.
Yesterday, I had to help out in some massive cleaning up. (Please speculate why I italicise the words)
And when I was done with the dishes and cleaning the tables and packing and all, I saw that she has changed into her night dress already.
That got me quite fed-up.
Never mind that. I could still bear with it.
But I had to be fighting with the two kids over the use of the bathroom to shower.
You know, I never really had issues with the three of us sharing a bathroom. What I cannot fathom is...
The bathroom in your room is available...and I have been helping out to clean up. Now, I have to wait for an hour because your precious kids take forever to shower.
But wait, I think it is my fault. It is my fault I didn't usher them into the shower earlier.
And it is my fault for being so busy-body.
I mean, technically, I am only responsible for the kids. Why should I stick my foot into helping to clean up?
I get nowhere.
I get so tired. And then I get frustrated, because I can't shower.
Frankly, I am so stupid, right?
...
I had a conversation with J today.
He expressed concern about my plight and coaxed me to go home.
Like the many others who are reading this blog.
The truth is, somehow along the way, I also kind of forgot why I am still here.
Like J so blatantly and accurately pointed out, why am I engrossed in something that I have major grievances about?
I am not enjoying it. I am crying pretty much every other five days (or maybe less. Trust me).
So...
why am I still here?
...
...
D talked to me yesterday.
I was sitting by the fireplace and we started talking.
She said many things.
"...it is very important that you learn many things now while you are still young..."
You know, I never liked her.
I never liked her because I feel she is trying--always trying--too hard to please everybody.
But yesterday, I kind of understood why she has to try so hard.
Because nobody ever gets pleased.
And by that conversation alone, I turned my ill-feelings towards her a complete revolution.
"...acquire as many skills as you can when you have time...because you never know when your life will change..."
Which is true for anyone, isn't it?
But if her sense does mean something,
then really, why am I still doing here?
What is in this that is holding me here?
...
I haven't figured out yet.
I will continue to think about it.
But in the meantime, I will live and remember with faith that,
Everyday is a gift from God.
And like what R just said,
Don't waste the journey.
While the roads may all seem wrong and feel weird, I just have to keep remembering to keep walking and keep believing that...
They are there to help me learn.
The situations may not be pleasant, but I will learn.
And I will become a stronger person.
Don't worry about me, everybody. I will be fine.
...
I will probably sleep a little earlier and hope that the flu virus doesn't seek me out in the end.
Thank God for holidays (although the idea of spending a whole day with the kids is a bit...)
I get to wake up late too!
So sick I had to take a nap because I could feel the bout of flu coming.
Maybe I got it because it is winter.
Or maybe I got it because yesterday, E got it and he was away from the party as a result.
Whatever it is, I had to make sure I don't come down with it.
Because I wanted to be in the best condition to go meet my friends this weekend.
I am going to Pittsburg.
...
Waiting is painful.
Waiting for anything.
Waiting and hoping that what you are waiting for is worthy is especially hard. Because you just may not have it end up the way you want it to be.
I am due to go on rematch already...but I have heard that because of the very fact that it is the Christmas-New year season, nobody is actually looking for anyone. And so I am just in limbo.
Again.
Yesterday, I had to help out in some massive cleaning up. (Please speculate why I italicise the words)
And when I was done with the dishes and cleaning the tables and packing and all, I saw that she has changed into her night dress already.
That got me quite fed-up.
Never mind that. I could still bear with it.
But I had to be fighting with the two kids over the use of the bathroom to shower.
You know, I never really had issues with the three of us sharing a bathroom. What I cannot fathom is...
The bathroom in your room is available...and I have been helping out to clean up. Now, I have to wait for an hour because your precious kids take forever to shower.
But wait, I think it is my fault. It is my fault I didn't usher them into the shower earlier.
And it is my fault for being so busy-body.
I mean, technically, I am only responsible for the kids. Why should I stick my foot into helping to clean up?
I get nowhere.
I get so tired. And then I get frustrated, because I can't shower.
Frankly, I am so stupid, right?
...
I had a conversation with J today.
He expressed concern about my plight and coaxed me to go home.
Like the many others who are reading this blog.
The truth is, somehow along the way, I also kind of forgot why I am still here.
Like J so blatantly and accurately pointed out, why am I engrossed in something that I have major grievances about?
I am not enjoying it. I am crying pretty much every other five days (or maybe less. Trust me).
So...
why am I still here?
...
...
D talked to me yesterday.
I was sitting by the fireplace and we started talking.
She said many things.
"...it is very important that you learn many things now while you are still young..."
You know, I never liked her.
I never liked her because I feel she is trying--always trying--too hard to please everybody.
But yesterday, I kind of understood why she has to try so hard.
Because nobody ever gets pleased.
And by that conversation alone, I turned my ill-feelings towards her a complete revolution.
"...acquire as many skills as you can when you have time...because you never know when your life will change..."
Which is true for anyone, isn't it?
But if her sense does mean something,
then really, why am I still doing here?
What is in this that is holding me here?
...
I haven't figured out yet.
I will continue to think about it.
But in the meantime, I will live and remember with faith that,
Everyday is a gift from God.
And like what R just said,
Don't waste the journey.
While the roads may all seem wrong and feel weird, I just have to keep remembering to keep walking and keep believing that...
They are there to help me learn.
The situations may not be pleasant, but I will learn.
And I will become a stronger person.
Don't worry about me, everybody. I will be fine.
...
I will probably sleep a little earlier and hope that the flu virus doesn't seek me out in the end.
Thank God for holidays (although the idea of spending a whole day with the kids is a bit...)
I get to wake up late too!
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
merry merry Christmas
The Christmas wasn't white as it was thought to be.
There was no snow. There wasn't even rain.
There was just the daylight dawning at 7am as the shortest day in winter (by the way, I didn't say that it was the start of winter; the weather station did) passed.
Yay!
The children woke up super early today just to check out what Santa has bought them.
Well, I have to say that Santa is pretty generous.
He bought them many gifts, including a Table Hockey Set.
Yes. Can you imagine how much weight the reindeer have to bear?
...
All in all, it was an ok day.
Not in terms of the spending of the day itself, but in terms of the day itself.
It is Christmas.
A day to celebrate the coming of Christ.
I attended midnight mass at the Church last night and while I dozed off a couple of times, I must say I did pretty well.
(although I didn't quite catch the homily because the priest was speaking amidst music and it was really disruptive)
The thing is, Christmas is a time for us to rejoice as Christians.
It is not about presents, at least not for me.
(And I don't mean to be rude, but I really didn't like the presents that were given to me. I got a red sweatshirt, two shirts, a headband, and a bag. What is it about shirts???? The truth is, I would have been happier had I received a mere $10 giftcard...)
(But the thing is, the giver will always be expecting a big smile and a huge THANK YOU so that is what I did...)
Because it is not about presents and partying, so being here accentuates the whole emptiness.
I find it so phony because here she was saying "Christmas is so tacky..." on one hand, and on the other hand, she was playing an active role in promoting its tackiness.
*shake head*
And today, I was enjoying myself so much talking to the adults I was kind of sure I will really want to go home if the next match doesn't work out.
(Note, I am here to look after kids and I have no rest days during 'holidays' so I should still be keeping the kids' company...but I find them too boring!)
So it suddenly dawned onto me,
maybe I don't really like kids after all?
I don't know.
Or it may just be,
I don't mind working with kids, but I can't LIVE with them.
I really don't know.
Whatever it is, I enjoyed myself because I realize I did the right thing by telling them about my decision before Christmas.
It is a peaceful Christmas.
And it will stay that way.
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
There was no snow. There wasn't even rain.
There was just the daylight dawning at 7am as the shortest day in winter (by the way, I didn't say that it was the start of winter; the weather station did) passed.
Yay!
The children woke up super early today just to check out what Santa has bought them.
Well, I have to say that Santa is pretty generous.
He bought them many gifts, including a Table Hockey Set.
Yes. Can you imagine how much weight the reindeer have to bear?
...
All in all, it was an ok day.
Not in terms of the spending of the day itself, but in terms of the day itself.
It is Christmas.
A day to celebrate the coming of Christ.
I attended midnight mass at the Church last night and while I dozed off a couple of times, I must say I did pretty well.
(although I didn't quite catch the homily because the priest was speaking amidst music and it was really disruptive)
The thing is, Christmas is a time for us to rejoice as Christians.
It is not about presents, at least not for me.
(And I don't mean to be rude, but I really didn't like the presents that were given to me. I got a red sweatshirt, two shirts, a headband, and a bag. What is it about shirts???? The truth is, I would have been happier had I received a mere $10 giftcard...)
(But the thing is, the giver will always be expecting a big smile and a huge THANK YOU so that is what I did...)
Because it is not about presents and partying, so being here accentuates the whole emptiness.
I find it so phony because here she was saying "Christmas is so tacky..." on one hand, and on the other hand, she was playing an active role in promoting its tackiness.
*shake head*
And today, I was enjoying myself so much talking to the adults I was kind of sure I will really want to go home if the next match doesn't work out.
(Note, I am here to look after kids and I have no rest days during 'holidays' so I should still be keeping the kids' company...but I find them too boring!)
So it suddenly dawned onto me,
maybe I don't really like kids after all?
I don't know.
Or it may just be,
I don't mind working with kids, but I can't LIVE with them.
I really don't know.
Whatever it is, I enjoyed myself because I realize I did the right thing by telling them about my decision before Christmas.
It is a peaceful Christmas.
And it will stay that way.
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Friday, December 21, 2007
The slowing clock
Tomorrow is the shortest day in winter.
And technically, is hence marked the official day when winter begins.
Although it really isn't right.
Winter has been in season for a while. I mean, I have been wearing my down coat since September?
For a long time, I thought.
I was startled that it is December only/already, and that very soon it will be the New Year.
2008.
It is funny because I have been counting down all this while. Since the first month I was here.
And I know I consciously make a note that it is the 20th already.
But you know what...
As I looked at my family picture (with me in my Masters graduation gown) and stared into space, I can't help but feel that...
It was only July when I graduated. Why does it seem so long ago?
I have only been away for four months. Why does it feel like a long time?
It is like...I have been here forever.
Forever. Oh my God. Will I ever be out of here?
...
We had our last talk last night.
It was supposed to have been held on Wednesday night, but remember I said the dad was in a super bad mood over the cat litter.
Anyhow, we had our talk.
Until this point in time, he was still insistent that he was willing to lend support for any punishment I deem necessary.
He was still *telling* me how I should approach the kid.
Come on...
If only you can pay less lip service.
If only you can NATO (no action, talk only) less.
Maybe things can work out better.
...
I still have my doubts.
Sometimes I think a little humiliation is nothing.
Sometimes I think respect is a big thing.
When will I ever be consistent? I am such a weakling, ain't I?
But every time a situation arise and I witness how they act as if they are the center of the world, and disregard the needs of others, my decision is reaffirmed.
...
Many friends ask me why I still want to be rematched when I am so disillusioned by the program.
The truth is, I don't know.
I guess, it is the belief and hope that God will bring me some thing better and more worthwhile
(although I cannot discount that maybe God may be planning for me to go home and that may be the best thing. After all, what beats being surrounded by loved ones and family).
I am hoping for a place closer to town.
I am hoping for a more flexible schedule.
I am hoping for the same hospitability, minus the snobbiness, minus the emptiness.
I am hoping for mutual respect and total acceptance.
I don't know if such a combination ever exists--it does sound too incredulous--but I will continue to hope.
And trust me, if I can't find it, I will leave.
Although I wouldn't say without some regrets.
But like what Bing aptly said,
if made to choose one that I won't regret in years to come, it has to be leaving for home.
Instead of staying here and feeling that time is merely a crawl.
And technically, is hence marked the official day when winter begins.
Although it really isn't right.
Winter has been in season for a while. I mean, I have been wearing my down coat since September?
For a long time, I thought.
I was startled that it is December only/already, and that very soon it will be the New Year.
2008.
It is funny because I have been counting down all this while. Since the first month I was here.
And I know I consciously make a note that it is the 20th already.
But you know what...
As I looked at my family picture (with me in my Masters graduation gown) and stared into space, I can't help but feel that...
It was only July when I graduated. Why does it seem so long ago?
I have only been away for four months. Why does it feel like a long time?
It is like...I have been here forever.
Forever. Oh my God. Will I ever be out of here?
...
We had our last talk last night.
It was supposed to have been held on Wednesday night, but remember I said the dad was in a super bad mood over the cat litter.
Anyhow, we had our talk.
Until this point in time, he was still insistent that he was willing to lend support for any punishment I deem necessary.
He was still *telling* me how I should approach the kid.
Come on...
If only you can pay less lip service.
If only you can NATO (no action, talk only) less.
Maybe things can work out better.
...
I still have my doubts.
Sometimes I think a little humiliation is nothing.
Sometimes I think respect is a big thing.
When will I ever be consistent? I am such a weakling, ain't I?
But every time a situation arise and I witness how they act as if they are the center of the world, and disregard the needs of others, my decision is reaffirmed.
...
Many friends ask me why I still want to be rematched when I am so disillusioned by the program.
The truth is, I don't know.
I guess, it is the belief and hope that God will bring me some thing better and more worthwhile
(although I cannot discount that maybe God may be planning for me to go home and that may be the best thing. After all, what beats being surrounded by loved ones and family).
I am hoping for a place closer to town.
I am hoping for a more flexible schedule.
I am hoping for the same hospitability, minus the snobbiness, minus the emptiness.
I am hoping for mutual respect and total acceptance.
I don't know if such a combination ever exists--it does sound too incredulous--but I will continue to hope.
And trust me, if I can't find it, I will leave.
Although I wouldn't say without some regrets.
But like what Bing aptly said,
if made to choose one that I won't regret in years to come, it has to be leaving for home.
Instead of staying here and feeling that time is merely a crawl.
Thursday, December 20, 2007
And no, while I am not perfect
The sun has been shining bright these days.
The way I see it, the storm is over. In my heart, at least.
I still wonder about it. Like last night, when I got home and the host-dad was complaining about the older kid (too) with her laziness to help out with the cat litter, I was thinking maybe I shouldn't add to their existing issues.
Then this morning, when I heard that one of the cars was giving some problems too, I thought maybe I should really bear with it and tide it with them.
Um...
But no la. I won't.
I think that is the problem with me. I think too little of my worth.
I shouldn't go around thinking that I don't matter. I do.
I have to learn that I do matter. My thoughts matter. My opinion counts. I am a human being who deserves to be respected as much as any one else.
...
The counselor did call last night.
I told her that I have been crying too much about the problem and that I don't want to be crying for the rest of my stay here.
I am glad that looking for respect is a legitimate thing to her.
...
The way I see it, a family-au pair match is really like a relationship.
I told Peggy last night that I probably won't be able to finish my RCIA journey here.
I told her I am very sad by this decision but I really feel that it is something I need to do.
And she said,
"God wants you to be challenged but He does not want you to be miserable".
I am glad she understood.
And really, like she said,
Sometimes we just have to go away to make things better.
I hung on and on and on trying to believe things will change.
But some things are inherent.
It is like..you date a wealthy guy. He has a sportscar collection at home. He lives in a big bungalow in Bukit Timah. He brings you to the high-end restaurants and takes you on extravagant vacations where you get to stay in a luxurious suite.
You get pampered like a queen when you are with him, and I bet you will be happy if that is the kind of relationship you look for.
But let's face it. You will probably have to deal with the fact that he may be a big flirt and that you are not the only one he lavishes his love on.
And you can deal with it if comfort and luxury is your priority for a date.
You can't if companionship is your criterion.
So I hope I don't give anyone the impression my host parents are not nice. They are nice. Even my counselor agrees.
And I would say they are warm and hospitable. My host mum loves throwing parties. She buys gifts for people's children on their birthdays. Her home is the most popular during Halloween because she gives away big candy bars.
It is just a pity that we don't match.
I can't say exactly why. I would just say...I am just sick of having to wash everyone's dishes left conveniently over the weekends.
I am sick of assuming the responsibility of feeding the cat medicine when initially I undertook it to partake in your responsibility.
And this time round, I won't even bother to offer to help you scoop the cats' litter.
Because I know, somehow, it will conveniently become my job.
Let's face it. Talk about busy-ness. Who isn't busy?
If you weren't busy, you wouldn't need an au pair.
At the end of the day, maybe a more appropriate question would be:
Who isn't lazy?
The way I see it, the storm is over. In my heart, at least.
I still wonder about it. Like last night, when I got home and the host-dad was complaining about the older kid (too) with her laziness to help out with the cat litter, I was thinking maybe I shouldn't add to their existing issues.
Then this morning, when I heard that one of the cars was giving some problems too, I thought maybe I should really bear with it and tide it with them.
Um...
But no la. I won't.
I think that is the problem with me. I think too little of my worth.
I shouldn't go around thinking that I don't matter. I do.
I have to learn that I do matter. My thoughts matter. My opinion counts. I am a human being who deserves to be respected as much as any one else.
...
The counselor did call last night.
I told her that I have been crying too much about the problem and that I don't want to be crying for the rest of my stay here.
I am glad that looking for respect is a legitimate thing to her.
...
The way I see it, a family-au pair match is really like a relationship.
I told Peggy last night that I probably won't be able to finish my RCIA journey here.
I told her I am very sad by this decision but I really feel that it is something I need to do.
And she said,
"God wants you to be challenged but He does not want you to be miserable".
I am glad she understood.
And really, like she said,
Sometimes we just have to go away to make things better.
I hung on and on and on trying to believe things will change.
But some things are inherent.
It is like..you date a wealthy guy. He has a sportscar collection at home. He lives in a big bungalow in Bukit Timah. He brings you to the high-end restaurants and takes you on extravagant vacations where you get to stay in a luxurious suite.
You get pampered like a queen when you are with him, and I bet you will be happy if that is the kind of relationship you look for.
But let's face it. You will probably have to deal with the fact that he may be a big flirt and that you are not the only one he lavishes his love on.
And you can deal with it if comfort and luxury is your priority for a date.
You can't if companionship is your criterion.
So I hope I don't give anyone the impression my host parents are not nice. They are nice. Even my counselor agrees.
And I would say they are warm and hospitable. My host mum loves throwing parties. She buys gifts for people's children on their birthdays. Her home is the most popular during Halloween because she gives away big candy bars.
It is just a pity that we don't match.
I can't say exactly why. I would just say...I am just sick of having to wash everyone's dishes left conveniently over the weekends.
I am sick of assuming the responsibility of feeding the cat medicine when initially I undertook it to partake in your responsibility.
And this time round, I won't even bother to offer to help you scoop the cats' litter.
Because I know, somehow, it will conveniently become my job.
Let's face it. Talk about busy-ness. Who isn't busy?
If you weren't busy, you wouldn't need an au pair.
At the end of the day, maybe a more appropriate question would be:
Who isn't lazy?
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
All I can think of is home.
I can't help but break down.
Last night, we were struggling with negotiation issues. I could actually feel my blood boil and my blood pressure rising. This morning, the young one refused to wake up and another tug-of-war had ensued.
The parent telling me about the table when it is already ridiculous to me for my definition of 'light housework'.
Seriously, when will life get better?
...
I thought calling another counselor may help a bit. I needed a professional judgement on the whole issue.
She asked me to call my counselor and told me she would call my counselor that very minute (I think she told me off).
I win already, right?
Then I called my counselor.
"I am not available right now. Can I call you back tonight when I get home?"
I thought I was her job.
I guess not.
That very minute, it was just sheer exasperation.
Everything was crashing down. And I was stuffed.
Breathless.
...
I have cried a few times but I haven't sobbed as much.
But don't get me wrong--I am just saying most of the times I cry. I also sob, just not as much.
I think this is probably the seventh time.
Seven times in 4 months. Let's see: Frequency of sobbing is about 2X every month?
And I cry more often than I sob.
Maybe that is me. A whiner. A whimper.
Afraid to stand up for myself.
Afraid to make a big fuss.
Thinking that my situation is normal.
Anyway, the very thought then was to go home right away.
It was never in my nature to prove anything. So really, wanting me to prove to the older kid I deserve her respect is really unbearable.
I didn't come here to prove anything. Instead, I came here to be a big sister.
I didn't come here to engage in a power struggle with the kids. I came here prepared to teach them the keyboard.
I didn't come here for them to have them pick and choose the food I cook each night. I came here hoping they will like Chinese food (I have folders of recipe).
I didn't come here to cry. I came here to do dance in my free time.
I didn't come here to whine. I came here to do yoga.
I didn't come here to feel miserable.
But why am I feeling so miserable that I actually want to go home?
Amidst my intense sobbing, my phone rang. It was an unfamiliar number.
She said she was my local rep. I was stunned. Really?
I don't know--I was just sobbing so hard I couldn't talk properly. R had told me to go take a breather. He said I wasn't calm enough to make wise decisions.
What is a wise decision?
When is a decision wise?
The one that makes the most capital gain, but makes me miserable? Or the one which gives me peace of mind but is not as profitable?
...
From the very beginning, I was in this family for the wrong reasons.
Yes, I know you are thinking--what is the point of saying that now?
I am not making a point. I am just explaining to you why I am miserable, and why I strongly feel that I need to go.
I said the house was empty and that I was becoming like the house.
And it is true.
If I may be frank, I came here to run away from my famiily--if you hadn't known.
There were two routes. I took the so-called easier one.
I came here knowing that this journey will endear me to my parents. It did. It really did.
And now, I end up feeling miserable because my parents are both so worried about my situation.
And as I was saying, I attached myself to this family for the very economical reasons.
Talk about being calculative. Ha.
Because they live in New York and I want to learn dance here.
Because the two kids go to school during the day and I have free time which I can go take class.
Because they provide a free mobile phone line and I didn't need to fill up the petrol when it is empty.
Because they take me on vacations to exotic places and I want to travel.
Because the previous au pair kept telling me these and I was overwhelmed with these material gains in my being.
Never mind the fact that I felt disrespected when they went ahead and decided when I should be here without consulting me.
Never mind the fact that I strongly feel uneasy about it (and I persuaded myself to believe that that is how Americans work).
And at the end...
Talk about plans.
Talk about respect.
The residence is so far from New York that it takes me two hours just to get to where I want to go.
The kids go to school in the day but going into the city is too expensive.
I don't drive so much so the petrol is just minimal.
I don't like talking on the phone so much so what is the big deal about a mobile phone?
A vacation to an exotic place will only become a nightmare when you are traveling with kids (as I found out from my experience in Hersheys: when they go missing, the first person accountable is me.)
I didn't know any details regarding the trip to Hersheys--yes, maybe I didn't ask.
I didn't know about plans to do additional baby-sitting--yes, I didn't ask, but how would I know when it is my day off?
I didn't know if we were going out for dinner--yes, I didn't ask but how would I know if you guys are expecting me to come along?
But I am still thankful though:
Amidst this hardship and difficulty, I found two things. And I rediscovered the very essence of my being.
I found my love for my family back.
And I found God.
And I know many care. Many who worry and stand by me amidst the ocean (I think it is the Indian Ocean) and the time zone, and yes, the difference in seasons.
...
As D appropriately puts it, this could be a dysfunctional family.
It was interesting because a day after he pointed out, A, my friend from the bus stop told me the same thing.
The little one would always go around hugging people and telling people "I love you".
But from that tone and attitude, you can tell either she doesn't mean it, or she has no idea what it means and all she hopes is your reciprocated response.
I don't think a kid should go around hugging people.
And A said, the whole family lacked affection.
Maybe that was the missing link.
The emptiness. The lack of love. The lack of affection.
The belief that everything is a money transaction. The notion of using money to get around everything.
And there I was. Here with the exact same mindset.
And maybe that was why the previous au pair loved this family so much. Because all these transactions are the very real issue of life.
Talk about being calculative.
...
I will be talking to the family tonight.
It was a highly debatable decision. Will talking to them harm me in any way?
But if I keep putting off, I feel more miserable!
I have religious class. After that, I will have a talk with them. With the intention of a mutual decision to go for rematch.
Because if the decision is mutual, it is easier to get my counselor to work.
My local rep will be speaking to the UK office.
She told me to be prepared to go home though, because of my driving issues.
Hhhmm...You know what. It doesn't matter. I really don't care.
At the end of the day,
this all being on being economical is killing me.
I cannot live another day like this. I cannot walk away from the essence of my soul.
Talk about going home.
Yes, responsibilities are plenty and daunting, but therein I know love is abound.
If I were a plant...
I thrive on love.
I cannot thrive like this: persuading myself to stay for the very reason of staying and finishing my goals.
I thrive on happiness.
I cannot live another day knowing that I have missed the very point of being here--to dance and feel happy.
Last but not least, I cannot live another day of lie. Of pretending that I love your children when deep down inside, I find them obnoxious.
Of course, all my emotions are debatable.
But then, I am emotional. Let me stay that way.
That is why you love me, right?
*hugs*
Last night, we were struggling with negotiation issues. I could actually feel my blood boil and my blood pressure rising. This morning, the young one refused to wake up and another tug-of-war had ensued.
The parent telling me about the table when it is already ridiculous to me for my definition of 'light housework'.
Seriously, when will life get better?
...
I thought calling another counselor may help a bit. I needed a professional judgement on the whole issue.
She asked me to call my counselor and told me she would call my counselor that very minute (I think she told me off).
I win already, right?
Then I called my counselor.
"I am not available right now. Can I call you back tonight when I get home?"
I thought I was her job.
I guess not.
That very minute, it was just sheer exasperation.
Everything was crashing down. And I was stuffed.
Breathless.
...
I have cried a few times but I haven't sobbed as much.
But don't get me wrong--I am just saying most of the times I cry. I also sob, just not as much.
I think this is probably the seventh time.
Seven times in 4 months. Let's see: Frequency of sobbing is about 2X every month?
And I cry more often than I sob.
Maybe that is me. A whiner. A whimper.
Afraid to stand up for myself.
Afraid to make a big fuss.
Thinking that my situation is normal.
Anyway, the very thought then was to go home right away.
It was never in my nature to prove anything. So really, wanting me to prove to the older kid I deserve her respect is really unbearable.
I didn't come here to prove anything. Instead, I came here to be a big sister.
I didn't come here to engage in a power struggle with the kids. I came here prepared to teach them the keyboard.
I didn't come here for them to have them pick and choose the food I cook each night. I came here hoping they will like Chinese food (I have folders of recipe).
I didn't come here to cry. I came here to do dance in my free time.
I didn't come here to whine. I came here to do yoga.
I didn't come here to feel miserable.
But why am I feeling so miserable that I actually want to go home?
Amidst my intense sobbing, my phone rang. It was an unfamiliar number.
She said she was my local rep. I was stunned. Really?
I don't know--I was just sobbing so hard I couldn't talk properly. R had told me to go take a breather. He said I wasn't calm enough to make wise decisions.
What is a wise decision?
When is a decision wise?
The one that makes the most capital gain, but makes me miserable? Or the one which gives me peace of mind but is not as profitable?
...
From the very beginning, I was in this family for the wrong reasons.
Yes, I know you are thinking--what is the point of saying that now?
I am not making a point. I am just explaining to you why I am miserable, and why I strongly feel that I need to go.
I said the house was empty and that I was becoming like the house.
And it is true.
If I may be frank, I came here to run away from my famiily--if you hadn't known.
There were two routes. I took the so-called easier one.
I came here knowing that this journey will endear me to my parents. It did. It really did.
And now, I end up feeling miserable because my parents are both so worried about my situation.
And as I was saying, I attached myself to this family for the very economical reasons.
Talk about being calculative. Ha.
Because they live in New York and I want to learn dance here.
Because the two kids go to school during the day and I have free time which I can go take class.
Because they provide a free mobile phone line and I didn't need to fill up the petrol when it is empty.
Because they take me on vacations to exotic places and I want to travel.
Because the previous au pair kept telling me these and I was overwhelmed with these material gains in my being.
Never mind the fact that I felt disrespected when they went ahead and decided when I should be here without consulting me.
Never mind the fact that I strongly feel uneasy about it (and I persuaded myself to believe that that is how Americans work).
And at the end...
Talk about plans.
Talk about respect.
The residence is so far from New York that it takes me two hours just to get to where I want to go.
The kids go to school in the day but going into the city is too expensive.
I don't drive so much so the petrol is just minimal.
I don't like talking on the phone so much so what is the big deal about a mobile phone?
A vacation to an exotic place will only become a nightmare when you are traveling with kids (as I found out from my experience in Hersheys: when they go missing, the first person accountable is me.)
I didn't know any details regarding the trip to Hersheys--yes, maybe I didn't ask.
I didn't know about plans to do additional baby-sitting--yes, I didn't ask, but how would I know when it is my day off?
I didn't know if we were going out for dinner--yes, I didn't ask but how would I know if you guys are expecting me to come along?
But I am still thankful though:
Amidst this hardship and difficulty, I found two things. And I rediscovered the very essence of my being.
I found my love for my family back.
And I found God.
And I know many care. Many who worry and stand by me amidst the ocean (I think it is the Indian Ocean) and the time zone, and yes, the difference in seasons.
...
As D appropriately puts it, this could be a dysfunctional family.
It was interesting because a day after he pointed out, A, my friend from the bus stop told me the same thing.
The little one would always go around hugging people and telling people "I love you".
But from that tone and attitude, you can tell either she doesn't mean it, or she has no idea what it means and all she hopes is your reciprocated response.
I don't think a kid should go around hugging people.
And A said, the whole family lacked affection.
Maybe that was the missing link.
The emptiness. The lack of love. The lack of affection.
The belief that everything is a money transaction. The notion of using money to get around everything.
And there I was. Here with the exact same mindset.
And maybe that was why the previous au pair loved this family so much. Because all these transactions are the very real issue of life.
Talk about being calculative.
...
I will be talking to the family tonight.
It was a highly debatable decision. Will talking to them harm me in any way?
But if I keep putting off, I feel more miserable!
I have religious class. After that, I will have a talk with them. With the intention of a mutual decision to go for rematch.
Because if the decision is mutual, it is easier to get my counselor to work.
My local rep will be speaking to the UK office.
She told me to be prepared to go home though, because of my driving issues.
Hhhmm...You know what. It doesn't matter. I really don't care.
At the end of the day,
this all being on being economical is killing me.
I cannot live another day like this. I cannot walk away from the essence of my soul.
Talk about going home.
Yes, responsibilities are plenty and daunting, but therein I know love is abound.
If I were a plant...
I thrive on love.
I cannot thrive like this: persuading myself to stay for the very reason of staying and finishing my goals.
I thrive on happiness.
I cannot live another day knowing that I have missed the very point of being here--to dance and feel happy.
Last but not least, I cannot live another day of lie. Of pretending that I love your children when deep down inside, I find them obnoxious.
Of course, all my emotions are debatable.
But then, I am emotional. Let me stay that way.
That is why you love me, right?
*hugs*
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
The straw(s) that keep breaking the camel's back
"(My name), once in a while, you need to clear the table and wipe it.
It can get very....I did a thorough job last night.
And sometimes, you have to wash the toasters. Not every day though but yes...I notice that it can be quite dirty."
For the first time, I replied (and I think he was quite startled that I retorted. Most of the time, I just said ok..) "I DO CLEAN IT ONCE IN A WHILE."
Yes, with the caps, which translates into a "I am pissed" expression.
If he really did a so-called thorough job, I am not sure why I still see the stain on the table?
Maybe I cock-eye...well, that is why I have glasses.
Like I said, if you can only practise half of what you preach, I will shut up.
Anyhow, today, he was nice enough to put away his own dishes.
The don't-know-how-many-time. Say maybe 3rd time? Since I have been here?
Why bring this up? Because even my friend from Washington said I was stupid to do their dishes.
And the most ironic thing is,
The previous au pair said I was being too calculative.
Huh?
Even for her, it was everyone putting the dishes away! It wasn't me solely. Alone!
And she said I was calculative?!
My friend from Washington: "I really cannot understand how someone from (my country) will come here and put up with all this!"
Come on!
And I didn't dare to tell her...
that is why there were only two of us from my country who ever participated in this program .
And the truth is, I won't recommend any of my friends to join this. Really.
It can get very....I did a thorough job last night.
And sometimes, you have to wash the toasters. Not every day though but yes...I notice that it can be quite dirty."
For the first time, I replied (and I think he was quite startled that I retorted. Most of the time, I just said ok..) "I DO CLEAN IT ONCE IN A WHILE."
Yes, with the caps, which translates into a "I am pissed" expression.
If he really did a so-called thorough job, I am not sure why I still see the stain on the table?
Maybe I cock-eye...well, that is why I have glasses.
Like I said, if you can only practise half of what you preach, I will shut up.
Anyhow, today, he was nice enough to put away his own dishes.
The don't-know-how-many-time. Say maybe 3rd time? Since I have been here?
Why bring this up? Because even my friend from Washington said I was stupid to do their dishes.
And the most ironic thing is,
The previous au pair said I was being too calculative.
Huh?
Even for her, it was everyone putting the dishes away! It wasn't me solely. Alone!
And she said I was calculative?!
My friend from Washington: "I really cannot understand how someone from (my country) will come here and put up with all this!"
Come on!
And I didn't dare to tell her...
that is why there were only two of us from my country who ever participated in this program .
And the truth is, I won't recommend any of my friends to join this. Really.
I took these pictures because I was really fed-up.
Imagine having to clear them every single Sat and Sun?
Well, I am calculative.
...
You know, I am very touched by the many who msn-ed me last night.
Thank you.
Thank you for helping me remember why I am me.
...
The truth is, I am not sure how many details I have withheld in the confrontation on Sunday.
And if you were to ask me, what exactly was it that irked me?
I don't know.
Just like there were many unfortunate car incidents tat I encountered, and one that broke their backs, there were many instances.
But of course, I guess the ultimate was during the confrontation on Sunday, when the mum said regarding discipline and shower "Do whatever you can. Take away the TV, the computer, whatever".
Read my earlier entry. She also said "I cannot stand it (her kid's disrepect to me)".
Huh?
And it finally hit me hard. Very hard.
There was never any support with regard to discipline. There never will be.
She was as annoyed as I am but she thinks I have to stand up for myself.
But yet again, I was said (I am not sure if I shared this though) to be too firm and that I have too many rules--the kids cannot cope.
Why am I doing the parenting job? When you guys have clearly not entrusted me with that?
...
Maybe, she wasn't that ready to be a mum after all.
Maybe, that is why the house feels so empty. Because underneath all those toys and fake affection, there never was any love.
Why should there be love?
The truth is, if you think about it, nobody under this roof is related to anyone at all.
Maybe, maybe that is what makes it so hard.
I don't know. And I don't want to find out.
Monday, December 17, 2007
Empty house. Empty room. Empty soul. Empty me.
You may just catch me in town.
That is not my twin. I have no twin.
Say a hi. Give me a hug. Tell me you miss me.
...
I know it is hard to understand.
One moment I say I will stay. Another moment, I say all this about catching me around. Just what do I mean?
And I am not Chris Angel. I don't do teleport.
...
At the bottom most of our selves, therein lies a voice.
I am sure you know what I mean. Sometimes, it speaks. Sometimes, it is silent.
That speech, is a perfectly random event.
But it is a powerful voice.
I see you nodding your head. You know just what I mean, right?
The thing is, I was not at peace with myself about that decision to stay put here and wait.
What was I waiting for? For others to decide if I am fit to stay or leave?
To leave myself at the mercy of others, when I already knew deep down inside how I truly really felt.
Why did I do that?
...
I don't know if you like cakes. I kind of like them (well, I know, I don't eat cakes very often and you are probably bewildered at my comment) because they taste good.
Of course, by that I mean cakes of a flavour that you fancy. Not those which you hate to begin with.
But imagine you like cakes, and there is a cake in front of you, of a flavour you really don't fancy but with your favourite icing.
What do you do?
...
So, with the uneasiness with the decision of waiting in stupor, I decided to confront the parents at the suggestion of R.
I talked to them yesterday and I told them how I felt.
Why the suspicion? Why this lack of trust?
I am willing to go off if that is the case.
They said that they like me and that I was doing a good job so far. They were not looking at a rematch at all.
With that, I was thinking to myself...yay! Maybe everything may just work out.
Maybe.
Although when she said "...please get them showered before I come home", I froze in my seat.
And when she said, "...the driving aside, it is just the issues with L. I see how she treats you with disrespect. I cannot stand it."
Note what I italized.
I didn't think anything about it then. I just settled on the belief that I was going to stick it through. No matter what.
But...
for some reason, I felt uneasy. I don't know why.
And so for the whole day, I just tried to counter this dis-ease.
What was the problem?
What, what, what?
It was just frustration. A great deal of it.
Something about it was not right.
What, I don't know. But some thing. Some thing.
I went shopping. Usually, that would quench it.
It didn't work.
I went to the bookshop. For the second time in my four months stay.
And by chance (to be honest, I don't think it is by chance) I came across this book "The mind battlefield" and started flipping it.
By chance I browsed this chapter about Confusion and Anxiety and I zoomed in because it seemed to be the thing I needed!
And I read on and on and on.
Something about a God-imposed thought being recurrent.
Flip flip.
Something about going to a quiet place in search of the answers in times of confusion.
Flip flip.
Something about not worrying about the life right now.
Flip flip.
Nothing clicked. Nothing.
I was still frustrated. But I didn't know why.
I went to church, hoping that it will help.
It didn't.
It made me feel a little joyful (because that was the message for the Third week of Advent) but still, it didn't quench the uneasiness inside me.
And I went home.
Frustrated.
Fed up.
All this while, I was thinking to myself, I will wait till next weekend to drive and at the same time, give myself this one week to persuade L to hit the shower earlier.
...
And I came home.
My room was all dark. I hadn't switched on the lights yet.
And for the first time, I took a look around.
There are many 'labels' all over my desk My goals for the year. Little inspirational messages to motivate myself.
There are many books. Spanish, English, Chinese.
There is a picture of me and my boyfriend. Another picture of me and my family.
The floor is clear, except for that bag sitting beside the wastepaper basket.
But there was something about the room...
Something that didn't feel right.
It felt empty.
(and yes, because I was standing at the door and there was nobody inside, it is empty.)
Note, I said, it felt empty.
It isn't empty (I have to emphasize this, because R couldn't understand how it could be empty when there is furniture in it). There are stuff in the room. TV. Bed. Chairs...etc
But it felt empty.
The room was like the house.
Empty.
Even though I have been living in it for nearly 4 months.
...
I am not sure if you remember...I once commented that the house, amidst its grand outlook, lacks something (Oct 12th).
I hadn't been able to find the right word then. I just said it lacked something.
What, I don't know. Just something.
The last time I described to R, I said it felt empty.
And that it was. The house is empty.
There are people. But it is just emptiness.
Empty people. Empty lives.
Empty souls in empty rooms.
And I was becoming like that.
That instance, I had my answer.
I knew why I felt so unsettled.
I knew why I wasn't comfortable with persistng on.
I knew what I had to do. It jumped out.
...
I had written to the local representative about my situation.
I didn't say the whole story but I said most of it.
And in case you were wondering what was going through my head when I made my decision to leave,
it was just a simple understanding that:
I didn't come here to be humilitated. Or lose my dignity. Or subjected to the way that I have been for the past four months.
I am an individual with dignity. I deserve respect. I had fought hard for it.
"She doesn't show you any respect. I can't stand it. Can you live with it?"
No.
And the fact that you could show me contempt when I have done nothing wrong...
I can only shake my head in dismay.
Enough is enough.
It is not about compromising my many aspirations for respect.
Yes, I will probably head home empty-handed.
I still have to pay for my air ticket.
But the thing is, I saw so much. I learnt a big lesson.
And really, that is enough.
Really enough.
...
Right now, I have started packing my stuff.
Will I get another family? I don't know.
I don't rule that idea out, but I am quite prepared to head for home ground.
The thing is, this whole matching process is like a relationship.
At least my previous one.
For fear of loneliness I had endured. For a long time.
But when I finally decided that I will let go, nothing else matters anymore.
I am with a guy I had hoped for, and whom I can't ask for more.
That is a bonus, because I know my expectations were higher that time round.
The same with now.
I know what I am looking for...and I dare say, the chances of matching with one that fits are nearly nil.
It doesn't matter.
Not anymore.
...
There is always something that truly matters.
At the end of the day, I choose to heed that call.
Before I become an empty soul.
That is not my twin. I have no twin.
Say a hi. Give me a hug. Tell me you miss me.
...
I know it is hard to understand.
One moment I say I will stay. Another moment, I say all this about catching me around. Just what do I mean?
And I am not Chris Angel. I don't do teleport.
...
At the bottom most of our selves, therein lies a voice.
I am sure you know what I mean. Sometimes, it speaks. Sometimes, it is silent.
That speech, is a perfectly random event.
But it is a powerful voice.
I see you nodding your head. You know just what I mean, right?
The thing is, I was not at peace with myself about that decision to stay put here and wait.
What was I waiting for? For others to decide if I am fit to stay or leave?
To leave myself at the mercy of others, when I already knew deep down inside how I truly really felt.
Why did I do that?
...
I don't know if you like cakes. I kind of like them (well, I know, I don't eat cakes very often and you are probably bewildered at my comment) because they taste good.
Of course, by that I mean cakes of a flavour that you fancy. Not those which you hate to begin with.
But imagine you like cakes, and there is a cake in front of you, of a flavour you really don't fancy but with your favourite icing.
What do you do?
...
The thing is, I hadn't murdered your children. Not even close.
I hadn't stolen an antique or written a cheque under your name and cash it.
I don't deserve that look you give me.
You are concerned about my driving. You have a right to be.
But you don't have a right to treat me with contempt.
So, with the uneasiness with the decision of waiting in stupor, I decided to confront the parents at the suggestion of R.
I talked to them yesterday and I told them how I felt.
Why the suspicion? Why this lack of trust?
I am willing to go off if that is the case.
They said that they like me and that I was doing a good job so far. They were not looking at a rematch at all.
With that, I was thinking to myself...yay! Maybe everything may just work out.
Maybe.
Although when she said "...please get them showered before I come home", I froze in my seat.
And when she said, "...the driving aside, it is just the issues with L. I see how she treats you with disrespect. I cannot stand it."
Note what I italized.
I didn't think anything about it then. I just settled on the belief that I was going to stick it through. No matter what.
But...
for some reason, I felt uneasy. I don't know why.
And so for the whole day, I just tried to counter this dis-ease.
What was the problem?
What, what, what?
It was just frustration. A great deal of it.
Something about it was not right.
What, I don't know. But some thing. Some thing.
I went shopping. Usually, that would quench it.
It didn't work.
I went to the bookshop. For the second time in my four months stay.
And by chance (to be honest, I don't think it is by chance) I came across this book "The mind battlefield" and started flipping it.
By chance I browsed this chapter about Confusion and Anxiety and I zoomed in because it seemed to be the thing I needed!
And I read on and on and on.
Something about a God-imposed thought being recurrent.
Flip flip.
Something about going to a quiet place in search of the answers in times of confusion.
Flip flip.
Something about not worrying about the life right now.
Flip flip.
Nothing clicked. Nothing.
I was still frustrated. But I didn't know why.
I went to church, hoping that it will help.
It didn't.
It made me feel a little joyful (because that was the message for the Third week of Advent) but still, it didn't quench the uneasiness inside me.
And I went home.
Frustrated.
Fed up.
All this while, I was thinking to myself, I will wait till next weekend to drive and at the same time, give myself this one week to persuade L to hit the shower earlier.
...
And I came home.
My room was all dark. I hadn't switched on the lights yet.
And for the first time, I took a look around.
There are many 'labels' all over my desk My goals for the year. Little inspirational messages to motivate myself.
There are many books. Spanish, English, Chinese.
There is a picture of me and my boyfriend. Another picture of me and my family.
The floor is clear, except for that bag sitting beside the wastepaper basket.
But there was something about the room...
Something that didn't feel right.
It felt empty.
(and yes, because I was standing at the door and there was nobody inside, it is empty.)
Note, I said, it felt empty.
It isn't empty (I have to emphasize this, because R couldn't understand how it could be empty when there is furniture in it). There are stuff in the room. TV. Bed. Chairs...etc
But it felt empty.
The room was like the house.
Empty.
Even though I have been living in it for nearly 4 months.
...
I am not sure if you remember...I once commented that the house, amidst its grand outlook, lacks something (Oct 12th).
I hadn't been able to find the right word then. I just said it lacked something.
What, I don't know. Just something.
The last time I described to R, I said it felt empty.
And that it was. The house is empty.
There are people. But it is just emptiness.
Empty people. Empty lives.
Empty souls in empty rooms.
And I was becoming like that.
That instance, I had my answer.
I knew why I felt so unsettled.
I knew why I wasn't comfortable with persistng on.
I knew what I had to do. It jumped out.
...
I had written to the local representative about my situation.
I didn't say the whole story but I said most of it.
And in case you were wondering what was going through my head when I made my decision to leave,
it was just a simple understanding that:
I didn't come here to be humilitated. Or lose my dignity. Or subjected to the way that I have been for the past four months.
I am an individual with dignity. I deserve respect. I had fought hard for it.
"She doesn't show you any respect. I can't stand it. Can you live with it?"
No.
And the fact that you could show me contempt when I have done nothing wrong...
I can only shake my head in dismay.
Enough is enough.
It is not about compromising my many aspirations for respect.
I compromise because I am a fellow human being. I just cannot appreciate the parenting culture here.
Yes, I will probably head home empty-handed.
I still have to pay for my air ticket.
But the thing is, I saw so much. I learnt a big lesson.
And really, that is enough.
Really enough.
...
Right now, I have started packing my stuff.
Will I get another family? I don't know.
I don't rule that idea out, but I am quite prepared to head for home ground.
The thing is, this whole matching process is like a relationship.
At least my previous one.
For fear of loneliness I had endured. For a long time.
But when I finally decided that I will let go, nothing else matters anymore.
I am with a guy I had hoped for, and whom I can't ask for more.
That is a bonus, because I know my expectations were higher that time round.
The same with now.
I know what I am looking for...and I dare say, the chances of matching with one that fits are nearly nil.
It doesn't matter.
Not anymore.
...
There is always something that truly matters.
At the end of the day, I choose to heed that call.
Before I become an empty soul.
Friday, December 14, 2007
My decision
I thought about the issue all day yesterday.
The last we 'met', she was still treating me coldly. Weirdly.
It is very uncomfortable.
My (real) mum told me to leave. She also feels that it is not worth it.
All this humbling experience. All these nonsense I have to stomach.
All this unhappiness I face every single day staring at me in the face.
All this counting down to the day that I get to leave.
But you know what...I have decided that I cannot change the fact that she doesn't want to be honest with her true feelings. Until they decide otherwise, I will stick to my own decision.
I will stay.
Why?
For the simple reason. I am here to do something and while I have achieved half of it, half remains to be done.
The ball is not in my court, so it makes no sense to chase it or fret or even anticipate.
I will hit it when it comes over to my side.
The message of Advent stands clear in my head this morning: Leave it all to God.
Everything good will turn out the best way in the end.
I came here led by Him. I will go where He leads me.
It is difficult, because I am groping in the dark. I can't see any light.
But I do believe that therein darkness lies a test of faith.
And I will take that test.
If the family wants me to go (think about it: they have a history of saying one thing and meaning another--remember my fall to booking of my air ticket--so I won't be surprised if they suddenly decide tomorrow that they want to rematch with another au pair), then I will go. Else, I will hang on until March then decide.
March, because 1) I will get baptised then 2) I have enough time to finish up on my chiro-therapy.
I wasn't a keen believer in this stand until R reminded me that there was no need to get sentimental.
From the beginning, there were no emotions involved on their part. It was just me trying to get close and attached.
I was always the one who tried to bring love in, only to be let down in the end.
So what is the point of getting sentimental?
From the beginning, it was meant to be a business transaction. They pay me so much to do these; I have never done anything less. In fact, I do more.
So well, the sad but true facts hold.
The truth always hurts, doesn't it?
If they ask me to leave, I am glad--because their kids are monsters in disguise.
If they ask me to stay, I am glad--because I get to finish up properly the things I have started.
If I am asked to leave, I am happy--for all I know, it may be the beginning of another good adventure.
If I am asked to stay, I am fine too--I don't have to readjust to people and schedules and everything all over again.
Whatever it is, it doesn't matter.
At the end of the day, the ticket to home is but a click away.
A bit on the costly side but I am sure friends will chip in for it in kind, right?
*winks at you who is reading my blog*
And I thank Shufen for this song, to continually remind me that no mountains are ever too high and no valleys are ever too deep, as long as we cast our doubt onto Him and believe.
That all things will always turn out good in the end.
Shepherd of my soul (Martin Nystrom)
Shepard of my soul,
I give you full control wherever you may lead,
I will follow
I have made the choice to listen to your voice
wherever you may lead, I will go.
Be it in a quiet pasture, or by a gentle stream
The shephard of my soul is by my side
Should I face a mighty mountain, or a valley dark and deep
The Shephard of my soul will be my guide.
The last we 'met', she was still treating me coldly. Weirdly.
It is very uncomfortable.
My (real) mum told me to leave. She also feels that it is not worth it.
All this humbling experience. All these nonsense I have to stomach.
All this unhappiness I face every single day staring at me in the face.
All this counting down to the day that I get to leave.
But you know what...I have decided that I cannot change the fact that she doesn't want to be honest with her true feelings. Until they decide otherwise, I will stick to my own decision.
I will stay.
Why?
For the simple reason. I am here to do something and while I have achieved half of it, half remains to be done.
The ball is not in my court, so it makes no sense to chase it or fret or even anticipate.
I will hit it when it comes over to my side.
The message of Advent stands clear in my head this morning: Leave it all to God.
Everything good will turn out the best way in the end.
I came here led by Him. I will go where He leads me.
It is difficult, because I am groping in the dark. I can't see any light.
But I do believe that therein darkness lies a test of faith.
And I will take that test.
If the family wants me to go (think about it: they have a history of saying one thing and meaning another--remember my fall to booking of my air ticket--so I won't be surprised if they suddenly decide tomorrow that they want to rematch with another au pair), then I will go. Else, I will hang on until March then decide.
March, because 1) I will get baptised then 2) I have enough time to finish up on my chiro-therapy.
I wasn't a keen believer in this stand until R reminded me that there was no need to get sentimental.
From the beginning, there were no emotions involved on their part. It was just me trying to get close and attached.
I was always the one who tried to bring love in, only to be let down in the end.
So what is the point of getting sentimental?
From the beginning, it was meant to be a business transaction. They pay me so much to do these; I have never done anything less. In fact, I do more.
So well, the sad but true facts hold.
The truth always hurts, doesn't it?
If they ask me to leave, I am glad--because their kids are monsters in disguise.
If they ask me to stay, I am glad--because I get to finish up properly the things I have started.
If I am asked to leave, I am happy--for all I know, it may be the beginning of another good adventure.
If I am asked to stay, I am fine too--I don't have to readjust to people and schedules and everything all over again.
Whatever it is, it doesn't matter.
At the end of the day, the ticket to home is but a click away.
A bit on the costly side but I am sure friends will chip in for it in kind, right?
*winks at you who is reading my blog*
And I thank Shufen for this song, to continually remind me that no mountains are ever too high and no valleys are ever too deep, as long as we cast our doubt onto Him and believe.
That all things will always turn out good in the end.
Shepherd of my soul (Martin Nystrom)
Shepard of my soul,
I give you full control wherever you may lead,
I will follow
I have made the choice to listen to your voice
wherever you may lead, I will go.
Be it in a quiet pasture, or by a gentle stream
The shephard of my soul is by my side
Should I face a mighty mountain, or a valley dark and deep
The Shephard of my soul will be my guide.
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Maybe this is the point where everything settles down.
I stand by the belief that some things cannot be forced.
That, often, the many things we think we have control over are just hoaxes.
A sense of false belief that we have control.
When actually we don't.
...
I may be going home, really.
Happy? Sad? Hhmmm...a bit of both, I would say.
Anyhows, I am not sure if I wrote about this yesterday.
I was pretty sure there was something about me which was disturbing the mum. I just didn't say it.
I am sensitive to people's nuances. Call it a gift or a curse.
Which is why I know when something is not right with a person. Something is either bothering them, or they are preoccupied with a problem.
Sometimes, I am the problem.
Like I say, I can tell. The same way I can tell if you had stayed up too late the night before (well, I wouldn't be able to pinpoint what though).
And so I was kind of expecting this conversation.
She sat me over and said the exact same things the dad had said.
That they are concerned. Over my driving.
And I said the same thing. I know you are concerned, because you have a right to be. I would be, too!
She went on to say...
I am not sure how to say it...
I told her to just be upfront. I mean, I already know what was coming; I just needed her to be personal and forthcoming about it.
So she said,
I am not sure if you would be more comfortable with a family which requires less driving.
I said I was prepared to go home. And she looked shocked.
(In retrospect, I am glad she didn't realize I meant an inference that I have had enough of being an au pair...because her children are really quite a mess to deal with..*oops*)
But you are such a good au pair! For all you know, you may end up in a place with warmer weather!
Um, exactly how much they mean it, I don't know. I only know I loathe the way they approach the issue.
Why do they toss the ball into my court when I am the one running into trouble and they are the one getting the worse side of the deal?
By the way, they have had a history of getting rematches. I don't think that should be a big deterrence, should it?
Each party has 3 strikes of matching. Once you exhaust them, you are out. But for the host, the game restarts everytime they get a brand new match.
I am a brand new match. So really...hhmmm?
I told her,
Let's phrase it this way. If you feel that you prefer someone more versed in driving, please ask for a rematch.
I kept emphasizing my point throughout the conversation.
I told her, just like you told me on the couch that one time, please don't feel that you are offending me by getting a rematch.
And in case you wonder why I kept emphasizing that, well, it is simply because I knew from her facial expression and body language she is not comfortable with the strategy her husband and she have suggested.
The host dad will sit in with me when I drive.
The next time we meet, it will be in Jan. And they will decide.
I find it all so funny. Really.
The thing is, if you are not comfortable with it, just take the solution that gives you a peace of mind. Why do you want to seek compromise?
...
On hindsight, I am not sure if that was my instinctive unconscious trying to get out of the family.
Maybe it is.
I see the bar of soap broken into small pieces and clogging the bathtub. I see the old kid with her repulsive stomach and face. I see the little kid's unreasonable and unfathomable tantrums.
And I hate it.
Or maybe I just cannot part with the many things that look set for fruition.
But as I am typing now, I am beginning to really think that...
Just leave everything to the hands of God.
I am sure some of you don't believe in that context. For that, just stick to a reference of your belief, be it fate, destiny...whatever that suits you best.
For me, that is especially important because just last night, we had an Advent Reflection.
Expect the unexpected.
What an irony you say? Yes, irony it is.
If it is unexpected, how can you expect it?
...Then, don't.
Don't expect anything.
Because everything will turn out good in the end.
Maybe not in the best way we thought it could be, or should be, but it is definitely the best way it can be.
And I am just happy knowing that.
Be it going home, or staying here. I can't change that.
All I hope is that I have a big heart to accomodate all the emotions.
The thing is, face it--I don't like driving, and I am in a place when automobiles reign supreme.
It may be the best place to 'practise' driving...but that aside...
If leading a life here as an au pair is so demeaning and dignity-ruining,
maybe packing my bag is really not a bad idea.
After all, I have had my fun. It was enough.
That, often, the many things we think we have control over are just hoaxes.
A sense of false belief that we have control.
When actually we don't.
...
I may be going home, really.
Happy? Sad? Hhmmm...a bit of both, I would say.
Anyhows, I am not sure if I wrote about this yesterday.
I was pretty sure there was something about me which was disturbing the mum. I just didn't say it.
I am sensitive to people's nuances. Call it a gift or a curse.
Which is why I know when something is not right with a person. Something is either bothering them, or they are preoccupied with a problem.
Sometimes, I am the problem.
Like I say, I can tell. The same way I can tell if you had stayed up too late the night before (well, I wouldn't be able to pinpoint what though).
And so I was kind of expecting this conversation.
She sat me over and said the exact same things the dad had said.
That they are concerned. Over my driving.
And I said the same thing. I know you are concerned, because you have a right to be. I would be, too!
She went on to say...
I am not sure how to say it...
I told her to just be upfront. I mean, I already know what was coming; I just needed her to be personal and forthcoming about it.
So she said,
I am not sure if you would be more comfortable with a family which requires less driving.
I said I was prepared to go home. And she looked shocked.
(In retrospect, I am glad she didn't realize I meant an inference that I have had enough of being an au pair...because her children are really quite a mess to deal with..*oops*)
But you are such a good au pair! For all you know, you may end up in a place with warmer weather!
Um, exactly how much they mean it, I don't know. I only know I loathe the way they approach the issue.
Why do they toss the ball into my court when I am the one running into trouble and they are the one getting the worse side of the deal?
By the way, they have had a history of getting rematches. I don't think that should be a big deterrence, should it?
Each party has 3 strikes of matching. Once you exhaust them, you are out. But for the host, the game restarts everytime they get a brand new match.
I am a brand new match. So really...hhmmm?
I told her,
Let's phrase it this way. If you feel that you prefer someone more versed in driving, please ask for a rematch.
I kept emphasizing my point throughout the conversation.
I told her, just like you told me on the couch that one time, please don't feel that you are offending me by getting a rematch.
And in case you wonder why I kept emphasizing that, well, it is simply because I knew from her facial expression and body language she is not comfortable with the strategy her husband and she have suggested.
The host dad will sit in with me when I drive.
Exactly when, I don't know. He always have too little time to do anything so I cross my fingers.
The next time we meet, it will be in Jan. And they will decide.
I find it all so funny. Really.
The thing is, if you are not comfortable with it, just take the solution that gives you a peace of mind. Why do you want to seek compromise?
...
On hindsight, I am not sure if that was my instinctive unconscious trying to get out of the family.
Maybe it is.
I see the bar of soap broken into small pieces and clogging the bathtub. I see the old kid with her repulsive stomach and face. I see the little kid's unreasonable and unfathomable tantrums.
And I hate it.
Or maybe I just cannot part with the many things that look set for fruition.
But as I am typing now, I am beginning to really think that...
Just leave everything to the hands of God.
I am sure some of you don't believe in that context. For that, just stick to a reference of your belief, be it fate, destiny...whatever that suits you best.
For me, that is especially important because just last night, we had an Advent Reflection.
Expect the unexpected.
What an irony you say? Yes, irony it is.
If it is unexpected, how can you expect it?
...Then, don't.
Don't expect anything.
Because everything will turn out good in the end.
Maybe not in the best way we thought it could be, or should be, but it is definitely the best way it can be.
And I am just happy knowing that.
Be it going home, or staying here. I can't change that.
All I hope is that I have a big heart to accomodate all the emotions.
The thing is, face it--I don't like driving, and I am in a place when automobiles reign supreme.
It may be the best place to 'practise' driving...but that aside...
If leading a life here as an au pair is so demeaning and dignity-ruining,
maybe packing my bag is really not a bad idea.
After all, I have had my fun. It was enough.
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
All in a day's work
If you have been intensively following my entries, you would know that I was due for the police station last night.
Yes, can you imagine it--me a law-abiding citizen ending up in a police station?
And it is really like one of those scenes in the Hong Kong drama. A police officer dressed in plain clothes coming out and asking if you are (...your name...) and then leading you behind doors closed to the public.
What happens next???
...
I lost my temper at the young one today.
It was just too much.
I issued her another ultimadeum, and I told her with the coldest and sternest tone:
"THIS IS THE LAST TIME I AM TELLING YOU THIS"
"YOU DO NOT SCREAM MY NAME. YOU DO NOT COMMAND ME TO DO ANYTHING"
"YOU DO NOT WAIL MY NAME. I WILL NOT RESPOND"
"IT IS NOT MY RESPONSIBILITY TO GET DRESSED. I ALREADY TOLD YOU BEFORE, YOU CAN GO TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PYJAMAS IF YOU LIKE"
"DO NOT THROW YOUR TANTRUMS AS YOU WOULD WITH YOUR PARENTS."
"IF YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE ENOUGH TO GET READY FOR SCHOOL, IT IS NOT MY PROBLEM. WE WILL JUST WALK TO SCHOOL. I DON"T CARE IF IT RAINS OR IT SNOWS"
Silence.
She just looked at me in silence.
This outburst is long overdue. I have been having difficulties with her since last Monday. It has been 10 days!
I mean, I know that taking care of other people's kids wasn't going to be easy. Grumble as I may in this blog, I try my best.
I appease the little ones...because the parents expect me to. Because I don't want to engage in any struggle. Because I realize we are culturally different.
Because they are after all, children (although frankly, I would hope that in future, I wouldn't do the same to my own children).
...
The police guy led me into the enclosure of many desks and asked me for my side of the story.
Do you know why you are here?
>>Um, apparently, for leaving the scene of an accident?
What do you mean by 'apparently'?
>>Um, I am sorry. I mean..for leaving...
Yes, I understand what you mean.
So he was in effect a nice guy. At least he knew what I meant!
And as I would have told anyone who asked--
I was reversing--there was a guy behind me waiting impatiently--I made a misjudgement and hit the car--I moved up--and no, I didn't get down immediately--and that was because there was a car reversing out--I drove around but the eye-witness probably presumed I drove away--I checked the car--it was minimal damage (and yes, the police guy was like, yeah, if we had seen this, no, we wouldn't have needed to give you a ticket)--the kid was late so I drove off--but I did return to the scene--I went back with my contact details but the car wasn't there anymore--I am sorry I missed the car.
He explained the whole issue to me.
Hitting something and running away is a crime.
Um, oki.
He said, under such circumstances, I should have called the police and not left.
Um, oki.
He explained that he wouldn't have had to give me a ticket had I called them straight away.
Um, oki.
I did learn the lesson.
I mean, I was prepared to pay a lot of money (I hadn't the least idea how much it would cost but my host dad had said that this was a severe offence).
I was prepared to go home already. Home, as in home. Not the place I live in right now, but home.
Anyhow, what he finally told me was music to my ears.
I am not going to give you a ticket.
Huh?
He repeated.
I went "huh" again. This time, with a stunned look on my face.
And he repeated again.
So I was even more horrified.
>>Does that mean you are going to give me more charges?
I mean, that sounded like the only possible way that could have saved me from a ticket. And if that were really the case, I can only shake my head in dismay!
And he said that wasn't the case too.
The fact that I went back to the scene means that I wasn't a criminal.
Of course, frankly, if he had been more particular, he could have dismissed it as a mere excuse.
But then the thing is, I really did go back...because that day I was cooking meatloaf, and my meatloaf ended up charred because of the time delay.
That day, I also picked up the kid late from her dance class because I was looking for the car at the carpark.
...
Like I say, grumble as I may, I do my best still.
I keep telling myself to be open to the new experiences, and that I would need to forget the old so that the new can live.
I am not sure though if I find that difficult because my expectations are too high, or that my experience is just too unbearable.
The truth is, sometimes, I do feel that my rightful dignity is all gone.
Am I exaggerating? I don't know. I guess subjectively, it is difficult to judge emotions like that, isn't it?
Whatever it is, I continue to be thankful.
How else would I learn to handle difficult children?
When else will I get to be interrogated in a police station?
Life may not be great, but it is the best it can be right now.
And I am glad about that.
Yes, can you imagine it--me a law-abiding citizen ending up in a police station?
And it is really like one of those scenes in the Hong Kong drama. A police officer dressed in plain clothes coming out and asking if you are (...your name...) and then leading you behind doors closed to the public.
What happens next???
...
I lost my temper at the young one today.
It was just too much.
I issued her another ultimadeum, and I told her with the coldest and sternest tone:
"THIS IS THE LAST TIME I AM TELLING YOU THIS"
"YOU DO NOT SCREAM MY NAME. YOU DO NOT COMMAND ME TO DO ANYTHING"
"YOU DO NOT WAIL MY NAME. I WILL NOT RESPOND"
"IT IS NOT MY RESPONSIBILITY TO GET DRESSED. I ALREADY TOLD YOU BEFORE, YOU CAN GO TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PYJAMAS IF YOU LIKE"
"DO NOT THROW YOUR TANTRUMS AS YOU WOULD WITH YOUR PARENTS."
"IF YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE ENOUGH TO GET READY FOR SCHOOL, IT IS NOT MY PROBLEM. WE WILL JUST WALK TO SCHOOL. I DON"T CARE IF IT RAINS OR IT SNOWS"
Silence.
She just looked at me in silence.
This outburst is long overdue. I have been having difficulties with her since last Monday. It has been 10 days!
I mean, I know that taking care of other people's kids wasn't going to be easy. Grumble as I may in this blog, I try my best.
I appease the little ones...because the parents expect me to. Because I don't want to engage in any struggle. Because I realize we are culturally different.
Because they are after all, children (although frankly, I would hope that in future, I wouldn't do the same to my own children).
...
The police guy led me into the enclosure of many desks and asked me for my side of the story.
Do you know why you are here?
>>Um, apparently, for leaving the scene of an accident?
What do you mean by 'apparently'?
>>Um, I am sorry. I mean..for leaving...
Yes, I understand what you mean.
So he was in effect a nice guy. At least he knew what I meant!
And as I would have told anyone who asked--
I was reversing--there was a guy behind me waiting impatiently--I made a misjudgement and hit the car--I moved up--and no, I didn't get down immediately--and that was because there was a car reversing out--I drove around but the eye-witness probably presumed I drove away--I checked the car--it was minimal damage (and yes, the police guy was like, yeah, if we had seen this, no, we wouldn't have needed to give you a ticket)--the kid was late so I drove off--but I did return to the scene--I went back with my contact details but the car wasn't there anymore--I am sorry I missed the car.
He explained the whole issue to me.
Hitting something and running away is a crime.
Um, oki.
He said, under such circumstances, I should have called the police and not left.
Um, oki.
He explained that he wouldn't have had to give me a ticket had I called them straight away.
Um, oki.
I did learn the lesson.
I mean, I was prepared to pay a lot of money (I hadn't the least idea how much it would cost but my host dad had said that this was a severe offence).
I was prepared to go home already. Home, as in home. Not the place I live in right now, but home.
Anyhow, what he finally told me was music to my ears.
I am not going to give you a ticket.
Huh?
He repeated.
I went "huh" again. This time, with a stunned look on my face.
And he repeated again.
So I was even more horrified.
>>Does that mean you are going to give me more charges?
I mean, that sounded like the only possible way that could have saved me from a ticket. And if that were really the case, I can only shake my head in dismay!
And he said that wasn't the case too.
The fact that I went back to the scene means that I wasn't a criminal.
Of course, frankly, if he had been more particular, he could have dismissed it as a mere excuse.
But then the thing is, I really did go back...because that day I was cooking meatloaf, and my meatloaf ended up charred because of the time delay.
That day, I also picked up the kid late from her dance class because I was looking for the car at the carpark.
...
Like I say, grumble as I may, I do my best still.
I keep telling myself to be open to the new experiences, and that I would need to forget the old so that the new can live.
I am not sure though if I find that difficult because my expectations are too high, or that my experience is just too unbearable.
The truth is, sometimes, I do feel that my rightful dignity is all gone.
Am I exaggerating? I don't know. I guess subjectively, it is difficult to judge emotions like that, isn't it?
Whatever it is, I continue to be thankful.
How else would I learn to handle difficult children?
When else will I get to be interrogated in a police station?
Life may not be great, but it is the best it can be right now.
And I am glad about that.
Monday, December 10, 2007
Not so sure what to say...
My host dad just camed up to my room and said that the police just called.
Huh?
Yeah, that was my response too.
I was trying very hard to recall when I had committed an offence.
I couldn't recall any.
And well, to my surprise, it was the time I hit a car at the place where I was supposed to pick up a kid.
*Sigh*
I am due to be down tomorrow to receive a ticket.
And whatever else that can ensue, I am not exactly sure.
I guess you can just say I am a little stunned about the series of events.
What are they charging me with?
Apparently, with illegally leaving the scene of an accident.
...
I am not sure if I told you but I went back to look for the car with the note in my hand.
Argh. It doesn't matter.
And the thing is, I did get down to take a look at the car.
How else would I know that my car wasn't damaged?
Eye-witnesses are claiming otherwise.
Ok lo.
Haiz. Like I say, in the end, what happened is not important.
I left the scene and that is it.
....
I just feel super yucky.
My host dad also talked to me and said he was concerned about my driving.
I think he should be. I would be if I were him, too.
The automobile plays such an important role in their everyday life!
I just feel yucky that this happened.
It makes me more homesick.
Argh.
....
I am supposed to be in good spirits right now.
I have just returned from a trip tp Hersheys.
How was it? Not bad.
The trip per se wasn't bad. I got to experience how frustrating a road trip is. I got to see Hersheys and imagine how Charlie must have felt when he toured the Chocolate Factory (haha..sorry. I was just trying to be lame). And not to mention the fact that I got to experience staying and putting up with the girls' tantrums was...a revealing experience.
So much so that I came to the conclusion I really just want to go home when my term is up.
But whatever it is, it is not something I should comment on right now.
Who knows? My offence may be so bad that they decide to revoke my driving permit and I would have to go home anyway.
Does that bother me?
Um...I think previously it would. I would have done anything to stay behind.
Now? Eh, not so much.
Just as much as I would hope to stay for 1)baptism 2)chiro-therapy 3) spanish, I do want to go home.
I know many of you find it baffling. Do I actually miss home so much?
The truth is, yes and no.
I don't miss home so much. I just miss the fact of being me.
I miss the fact that I get my free time to do the things that I want to do.
And I miss the fact of not having to put up with ridiculous nonsense like a humbling Filipino maid from some kid who think she reigns the world.
I don't miss home for the fact that I have annoying relatives to handle during CNY but I do miss home for the very feeling of it being home.
...
It is funny how I can be so composed about my ticket.
I would have thought that I would fret so much I would be trembling in sleeplessness tonight.
And while it is true that I trembled when I first heard the news--imagine being charged!!!--it really doesn't bother me too much.
Maybe it is because I hold solace in the fact that this is but another event in my life that is meant to unfold either as part of God's plan or not.
If it were the former, it is meant to achieve something.
But even if it weren't, I have already gotten a lesson out of it.
...
I can't change the fact that I didn't leave the note and that I had left.
So all I can really do is,
cross my fingers.
And pay for the ticket.
*shrug shoulders*
Huh?
Yeah, that was my response too.
I was trying very hard to recall when I had committed an offence.
I couldn't recall any.
And well, to my surprise, it was the time I hit a car at the place where I was supposed to pick up a kid.
*Sigh*
I am due to be down tomorrow to receive a ticket.
And whatever else that can ensue, I am not exactly sure.
I guess you can just say I am a little stunned about the series of events.
What are they charging me with?
Apparently, with illegally leaving the scene of an accident.
...
I am not sure if I told you but I went back to look for the car with the note in my hand.
Argh. It doesn't matter.
And the thing is, I did get down to take a look at the car.
How else would I know that my car wasn't damaged?
Eye-witnesses are claiming otherwise.
Ok lo.
Haiz. Like I say, in the end, what happened is not important.
I left the scene and that is it.
....
I just feel super yucky.
My host dad also talked to me and said he was concerned about my driving.
I think he should be. I would be if I were him, too.
The automobile plays such an important role in their everyday life!
I just feel yucky that this happened.
It makes me more homesick.
Argh.
....
I am supposed to be in good spirits right now.
I have just returned from a trip tp Hersheys.
How was it? Not bad.
The trip per se wasn't bad. I got to experience how frustrating a road trip is. I got to see Hersheys and imagine how Charlie must have felt when he toured the Chocolate Factory (haha..sorry. I was just trying to be lame). And not to mention the fact that I got to experience staying and putting up with the girls' tantrums was...a revealing experience.
So much so that I came to the conclusion I really just want to go home when my term is up.
But whatever it is, it is not something I should comment on right now.
Who knows? My offence may be so bad that they decide to revoke my driving permit and I would have to go home anyway.
Does that bother me?
Um...I think previously it would. I would have done anything to stay behind.
Now? Eh, not so much.
Just as much as I would hope to stay for 1)baptism 2)chiro-therapy 3) spanish, I do want to go home.
I know many of you find it baffling. Do I actually miss home so much?
The truth is, yes and no.
I don't miss home so much. I just miss the fact of being me.
I miss the fact that I get my free time to do the things that I want to do.
And I miss the fact of not having to put up with ridiculous nonsense like a humbling Filipino maid from some kid who think she reigns the world.
I don't miss home for the fact that I have annoying relatives to handle during CNY but I do miss home for the very feeling of it being home.
...
It is funny how I can be so composed about my ticket.
I would have thought that I would fret so much I would be trembling in sleeplessness tonight.
And while it is true that I trembled when I first heard the news--imagine being charged!!!--it really doesn't bother me too much.
Maybe it is because I hold solace in the fact that this is but another event in my life that is meant to unfold either as part of God's plan or not.
If it were the former, it is meant to achieve something.
But even if it weren't, I have already gotten a lesson out of it.
...
I can't change the fact that I didn't leave the note and that I had left.
So all I can really do is,
cross my fingers.
And pay for the ticket.
*shrug shoulders*
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
The things that matter.
I don't quite enjoy blogging when I am in a rush.
Like yesterday. I meant to write something else with that entry but I forgot. Because I was short of time.
(And that also bears testimony to the fact that I am really getting very absent-minded!)
I guess I could always write it now.
...
I called E last night.
(By the way, I can call you too. Just leave me your home number--I can call land lines for free for the next 80 days? It is some online calling software)
I don't know why I suddenly felt like calling her. I just wanted to, I guess.
We chatted a bit. She told me about A's death. She thought I didn't know.
But I knew. In fact I was in grief for a while.
S had sent me a sms to my Singapore number informing me, and my brother had kindly relayed the message to me.
I also remember feeling very shocked.
Not that I hadn't anticipated it. The thing is, death happens eventually to each and every of us, does it not? It is always only a matter of time.
And whether you have lived it for that worth.
....
E said she didn't live her life to her worth.
She had died in the early morning on a Saturday. The porridge that E brought her on Thursday was her last meal.
On her deathbed, she was a collection of bones. Simply because she just couldn't take in and absorb whatever she was consuming.
Can you imagine yourself being just a collection of bones?
Can you imagine that happening to yourself?
That aside, E's consistent mentioning of the 'worth' caught me hard.
"She had a boyfriend for 20-30 years who refused to marry her"
"She was only 52. How young is that?"
...I couldn't reply her. I didn't know what to say.
"She was such a nice person. It was really not worth it."
...I don't know what she meant when she said that. I think she meant that she died too young, with possibly many regrets.
...
E went on to ask me about my plans.
I said I would be here for 9 more months at least. Then, I also don't know if I will stay here for another 6 months.
She reminded me that I should look for a *decent* job when I return. A decent job that I really like.
I smiled to myself. She is probably the millionth person to tell me the former statement. At least she went on to qualify her statement.
Just what is decent, I don't know, and I bet we each have our own justification.
But I do fully support the idea of a job that I like, or in fact love.
I told her I am contemplating an application for a teaching stint to Japan when I return.
She just said...maybe you want to think about your life in longer terms?
"Just what are you doing when you start on short-term stints like that?"
"...and since you already have a boyfriend, maybe you can consider marriage"
...
I think I used to be very obstinate.
I used to think I know everything I want in my life.
Freedom.
Freedom to do whatever you want with your life.
Freedom for pursuit of goals and hopes and aspirations.
I am a dreamer. I still am.
I guess I just realize that dreaming aside, life is really very short.
At whose expense am I taking when I seek my freedom?
Life is a series of actions and reactions. It has to ripple to somewhere.
The problem is, do I see the end of the ripple?
Had I ever seen it? Or was I just ignoring it because I pretend to be oblivious?
...
I don't have an answer to E's question.
I only know...
This voyage out has led me to find many answers about myself.
Things that I have never seen or felt or realized.
And I am grateful for that.
I was reasoning out...
Days earlier, I was always wondering if I were doing my fair share of work. If living off the host family was acceptable. If not tidying up the house (the previous au pair always does it) was all right.
If the things I do were enough to make them happy.
But I realize,
Why do I bother so much about whether they are happy or not?
As long as it is my fair responsibility and I am not skiving or anything...I am already accountable to my conscience.
Why happens if they don't like me?
Possibly, stop the contract? Or get a re-match?
And if I have already performed to my expectations of my duty, then why am I worried? Why should I worry?
...
Like what M said,
I have always wanted to try this out. Now that I have tried it and given my best shot, no regrets!
And I guess that pretty much sums it up.
Live...with no regrets.
Like yesterday. I meant to write something else with that entry but I forgot. Because I was short of time.
(And that also bears testimony to the fact that I am really getting very absent-minded!)
I guess I could always write it now.
...
I called E last night.
(By the way, I can call you too. Just leave me your home number--I can call land lines for free for the next 80 days? It is some online calling software)
I don't know why I suddenly felt like calling her. I just wanted to, I guess.
We chatted a bit. She told me about A's death. She thought I didn't know.
But I knew. In fact I was in grief for a while.
S had sent me a sms to my Singapore number informing me, and my brother had kindly relayed the message to me.
I also remember feeling very shocked.
Not that I hadn't anticipated it. The thing is, death happens eventually to each and every of us, does it not? It is always only a matter of time.
And whether you have lived it for that worth.
....
E said she didn't live her life to her worth.
She had died in the early morning on a Saturday. The porridge that E brought her on Thursday was her last meal.
On her deathbed, she was a collection of bones. Simply because she just couldn't take in and absorb whatever she was consuming.
Can you imagine yourself being just a collection of bones?
Can you imagine that happening to yourself?
That aside, E's consistent mentioning of the 'worth' caught me hard.
"She had a boyfriend for 20-30 years who refused to marry her"
"She was only 52. How young is that?"
...I couldn't reply her. I didn't know what to say.
"She was such a nice person. It was really not worth it."
...I don't know what she meant when she said that. I think she meant that she died too young, with possibly many regrets.
...
E went on to ask me about my plans.
I said I would be here for 9 more months at least. Then, I also don't know if I will stay here for another 6 months.
She reminded me that I should look for a *decent* job when I return. A decent job that I really like.
I smiled to myself. She is probably the millionth person to tell me the former statement. At least she went on to qualify her statement.
Just what is decent, I don't know, and I bet we each have our own justification.
But I do fully support the idea of a job that I like, or in fact love.
I told her I am contemplating an application for a teaching stint to Japan when I return.
She just said...maybe you want to think about your life in longer terms?
"Just what are you doing when you start on short-term stints like that?"
"...and since you already have a boyfriend, maybe you can consider marriage"
...
I think I used to be very obstinate.
I used to think I know everything I want in my life.
Freedom.
Freedom to do whatever you want with your life.
Freedom for pursuit of goals and hopes and aspirations.
I am a dreamer. I still am.
I guess I just realize that dreaming aside, life is really very short.
Not that I haven't actually known, I guess E's words just hit me harder than I thought it would.
At whose expense am I taking when I seek my freedom?
Life is a series of actions and reactions. It has to ripple to somewhere.
The problem is, do I see the end of the ripple?
Had I ever seen it? Or was I just ignoring it because I pretend to be oblivious?
...
I don't have an answer to E's question.
I only know...
This voyage out has led me to find many answers about myself.
Things that I have never seen or felt or realized.
And I am grateful for that.
I was reasoning out...
Days earlier, I was always wondering if I were doing my fair share of work. If living off the host family was acceptable. If not tidying up the house (the previous au pair always does it) was all right.
If the things I do were enough to make them happy.
But I realize,
Why do I bother so much about whether they are happy or not?
As long as it is my fair responsibility and I am not skiving or anything...I am already accountable to my conscience.
Why happens if they don't like me?
Possibly, stop the contract? Or get a re-match?
And if I have already performed to my expectations of my duty, then why am I worried? Why should I worry?
...
Like what M said,
I have always wanted to try this out. Now that I have tried it and given my best shot, no regrets!
And I guess that pretty much sums it up.
Live...with no regrets.
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
Seasonal blues, I hope
Suddenly, I am hit by another bout of homesickness yet again.
(Frankly, I don't think it should be classified as homesickness but then as we all know, human beings are always in denial.)
Why, I don't know. Maybe it is because I have too many things to do (HUH? You say?) but I am not doing any of them right now.
Nah, I really don't quite know why. Maybe it is the season.
...
It snowed on Sunday morning.
Or maybe it was Saturday night. It doesn't matter, does it? What matters is that it did snow.
I woke up to find the landscape in an array of white and more white. It was very pretty. Very pretty.
I went to church not fully aware of the perils of driving under such conditions.
And sure thing, the car skidded.
Thank God I was running late. Usually I am quite punctual and that would mean a time when the roads were busier.
So it was really a good thing I was almost late that Sunday.
The steering wheel refused to budge. The brakes gave a stuck sound (I found out later it was some anti-lock mechanism. Whatever it was, it really wasn't very useful to me). My car went out of control and I hit a pole.
Thank God it was only a lamp post! Can you imagine the fear streak up my spine?
...
I have had my fair share of mess with cars.
Just on Friday, I had hit (yes, again!) yet another car in the car park.
Why?
Bad judgement.
Kan cheong.
Actually, whatever it is, it doesn't matter. Because it doesn't change the fact that I knocked a car.
I had stopped and waited, hoping that the driver will come out and I can leave him my number.
Instead, some passer-by was staring at me (By the way, it was the same passer-by who was waiting at my back with a super-impatient look and hence got me kan cheong). I don't know, what was the action most people would do?
I did return to the parking lot with a note and my contact number. (I was rushing the kid to class then) The car didn't seem to be there anymore.
Was it my head which refused to acknowledge the car, meaning had I remembered wrongly? Or had the driver really left already???
I don't know. I was just...
at a loss of words.
...
One thing that striked me deeply is that it is so much easier to think about the unhappy stuff than the happy ones.
Like how privileged I am to be in this family who provides me with a TV, high-speed internet access and a cellphone.
Never mind the fact the room is the oldest and the coldest. Well, they have expressed approval when I asked if I could sleep in the guest room anyway.
And also how they so willingly pay for my groceries because I just don't eat the things they eat.
Never mind the fact that some stuff I really need (and I pen in the weekly shopping list) are always conveniently ignored. Never mind the fact that I am often hungry because there is nothing in the house to eat.
Don't get me wrong. I am just giving you both sides of the argument. I am just trying to show you how much I am taking this for granted when I really shouldn't.
...
We are heading for a short getaway this weekend.
It is the first time we are traveling together and I am not quite sure what to expect (especially in terms of food...*GOSH*)
Whatever it is, I do look forward to it.
Because the weather is so super cold now (it is 0 deg C now), I have postponed plans to travel. I was initially planning to go to Virginia in Jan but I really don't think I would want to do much in this freezing cold.
(See, I told you it is the season getting me down.)
Keep a look-out in my photo albums for pictures! (Email me if you want the link. I have decided that I shall not publicly announce it.)
And till then, take care! I heard that it is pouring almost everyday in Singapore. Although I don't like rain, I definitely think that sort of a weather is more tolerable than the winds blowing at 50 miles an hour with snow charging at your face!
(Frankly, I don't think it should be classified as homesickness but then as we all know, human beings are always in denial.)
Why, I don't know. Maybe it is because I have too many things to do (HUH? You say?) but I am not doing any of them right now.
Nah, I really don't quite know why. Maybe it is the season.
...
It snowed on Sunday morning.
Or maybe it was Saturday night. It doesn't matter, does it? What matters is that it did snow.
I woke up to find the landscape in an array of white and more white. It was very pretty. Very pretty.
I went to church not fully aware of the perils of driving under such conditions.
And sure thing, the car skidded.
Thank God I was running late. Usually I am quite punctual and that would mean a time when the roads were busier.
So it was really a good thing I was almost late that Sunday.
The steering wheel refused to budge. The brakes gave a stuck sound (I found out later it was some anti-lock mechanism. Whatever it was, it really wasn't very useful to me). My car went out of control and I hit a pole.
Thank God it was only a lamp post! Can you imagine the fear streak up my spine?
...
I have had my fair share of mess with cars.
Just on Friday, I had hit (yes, again!) yet another car in the car park.
Why?
Bad judgement.
Kan cheong.
Actually, whatever it is, it doesn't matter. Because it doesn't change the fact that I knocked a car.
I had stopped and waited, hoping that the driver will come out and I can leave him my number.
Instead, some passer-by was staring at me (By the way, it was the same passer-by who was waiting at my back with a super-impatient look and hence got me kan cheong). I don't know, what was the action most people would do?
I did return to the parking lot with a note and my contact number. (I was rushing the kid to class then) The car didn't seem to be there anymore.
Was it my head which refused to acknowledge the car, meaning had I remembered wrongly? Or had the driver really left already???
I don't know. I was just...
at a loss of words.
...
One thing that striked me deeply is that it is so much easier to think about the unhappy stuff than the happy ones.
Like how privileged I am to be in this family who provides me with a TV, high-speed internet access and a cellphone.
Never mind the fact the room is the oldest and the coldest. Well, they have expressed approval when I asked if I could sleep in the guest room anyway.
And also how they so willingly pay for my groceries because I just don't eat the things they eat.
Never mind the fact that some stuff I really need (and I pen in the weekly shopping list) are always conveniently ignored. Never mind the fact that I am often hungry because there is nothing in the house to eat.
Don't get me wrong. I am just giving you both sides of the argument. I am just trying to show you how much I am taking this for granted when I really shouldn't.
...
We are heading for a short getaway this weekend.
It is the first time we are traveling together and I am not quite sure what to expect (especially in terms of food...*GOSH*)
Whatever it is, I do look forward to it.
Because the weather is so super cold now (it is 0 deg C now), I have postponed plans to travel. I was initially planning to go to Virginia in Jan but I really don't think I would want to do much in this freezing cold.
(See, I told you it is the season getting me down.)
Keep a look-out in my photo albums for pictures! (Email me if you want the link. I have decided that I shall not publicly announce it.)
And till then, take care! I heard that it is pouring almost everyday in Singapore. Although I don't like rain, I definitely think that sort of a weather is more tolerable than the winds blowing at 50 miles an hour with snow charging at your face!
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