Inertia

I have been repressing the blogging streak.

For the simple reason my life has not been good.

Yes, it is a bit ironic. Aren't blogs supposed to be the very venue to vent frustrations and express unhappiness?

Well, I guess I just didn't want the whole world to start questioning my sanity.

...

I have just finished another exam today. As of now, I have cinco mas (5 more) courses to go. The day of relief is due to be on 22nd Oct.

How am I managing?

Bad le.

Muy mal.

My days are hurried. Schedule is packed.

At work, I still feel that my colleagues have their own cliches which I cannot penetrate. So, I have switched to adopting a reserved, introverted and shy persona.

That is not how I am usually. Or rather, that is not how I typically behave. Maybe that is why I feel so repressed.

So what do I do?

Nothing.

I just do nothing.

I don't have the energy to do anything. I am tired of my life like this. But amidst my tiredness, I do nothing.

Ironic. How ironic of a life.

Yeap. That would sum it up quite nicely.

...

I am due for an interview in a polytechnic next week.

No no. Don't get me wrong. I didn't seek it because I was pissed off at the current position. In fact, the resume was posted at the same time; they just took a super long time to get back to me.

The truth is, I don't think I will get it.

But I will still attend the interview for the sake of finding out more.

So why do I not think I will get it?

For the simple reason that I am not trained in language, and that position is for a lecturer in language instruction.

Well, I guess I am glad that they are willing to grant me an interview to begin with.

...

My mum is back to her old tantrums.

Yes. I am disappointed. Very disappointed.

I remember N asking me once and I told her that my mum has changed.

I think T and G asked me too and they too were surprised to hear that.

Well well. Looks like I was the one who needs to adjust my expectations.

Like what they say, a leopard will never change its spots.

And yes, I am seriously thinking about moving out. That is one.

Else, I am thinking of leaving Singapore altogether.

Grasp, you say?

Grasp, I think too.

But I don't know. Sometimes we need to do some things to get somewhere.

I thought things would become better with time. I am tired of always being disappointed.

Maybe, maybe I can only care from a distance.

Maybe that is what I am meant to do--I just try too hard.

...

These days, the prevailing question is,

what is the price of happiness?

I am not happy now. I am not at all.

Really.

And I am disturbed by that. I think I deserve to seek for the life that I feel will make me happy.

But I can't seem to move.

What is holding me back?

...Maybe, it is the lack of guts.

...Maybe it is the call of responsibility.

Either way, I stay where I am. Either way, I continue to lead this unhappy life.

But what is the value of happiness?

The truth is, I know...if I were to incur a terminal disease (touchwood!) and I know there is a certain limit to my time on Earth, I will without a shadow of doubt give out whatever I am doing right now.

Why?

Because I don't believe in what I am doing. Not one bit.

How ironic!

Yes.

So why do I still do what I do when I am so unhappy?

Because I feel that I need to.

Because my parents need me to do it.

Ha.

So really, what is the value of happiness?

....

I doubt I will have an answer.

But worry not.

I am still very sane.

Yes, I cry quite often.

Yes, I hate myself.

Yes, I hate my life.

But no, I haven't gone nuts.

Not yet.

Like a break-up

I can remember when it happened then, how much in denial I was.

Denial aside, I was also...concerned.

(I was going to say 'worried' but haha, I guess that is an overstatement so I reckon 'concerned' is more apt a word.)

Concerned because 1) I cannot imagine life without him 2) I don't know if I will ever find somebody again.

(Yes, put it in another way: I didn't think I am pretty enough or smart enough or demure enough. In fact, I have a very 'hard' personality for a girl. It seemed highly unlikely for me to be in anyone's list.)

But I remember Y telling me this (when she tried to console me):

We need to leave the wrong one so that the right one can come.

Hhmm, I thought that was quite impressive commonsense.

I mean, it is common sense, isn't it? But it is impressive.

And I think I was told by X before (also because she tried to console me):

Work on yourself. Because God will find you somebody who mirrors you.

Did you go wow?

Never mind. I remember I did.

For a while, I was heartbroken. I mean, come on! 4 years of relationship!

It was painful because suddenly, I had to live my life my own way.

We spent a huge amount of time together on the weekends. Suddenly, I was always home.

Suddenly, I had no one to talk to (although I must confess we talked about shallow things and he clearly wasn't my confidant, but well, old habits die hard...).

Suddenly, I felt I was all alone.

I had many dark periods in my life. I would imagine that that phase was one of those.

It was a mixture of many feelings. Disappointment. Grief. Misery. I don't know...

...

Of course I lived through it.

I remember for a period of time, I was even wondering if I should go to Church! (Because we were going to the same Church...)

Yes, you can imagine the kind of situation it was. Yes, it wasn't amicable.

And no, we are no longer in touch. No no no...not because of enmity or what. I just don't happen to keep in touch with the majority of my JC friends and he is unfrotunately one of them.

But anyhow, I thought it is funny that I associate the feelings so far with my previous break-up.

As you know, right now I am finally in a full-time job.

To the relief of many, I must say?

(I say that because practically everyone bugs me to get a full-time job since I have gotten back. I have debated many times and no, I shan't debate here and now.)

Whatever it is, I am in this job because of a few reasons, one of which is so that I can do as I deem in future.

Which is technically wrong.

I say that because day in day out, I feel that my soul is broken by this burden I have shoved onto my back.

And I start to wonder, who cares about the future?

I feel heartbroken that I don't have the energy to be the happy-go-lucky gal I was.

How ironic.

How very ironic.

I am miserable because day in day out, my life equation is work + study.

There is no time and no energy to do anything else.

(Give you an example: I used to be the ones reminding people to meet up for birthdays and in fact, I think it is supposed to be my friend's birthday today. But I have clearly forgotten.)

HHmmmmm...

For the past week, I was in self-hatred. Really.

Really. I hate my life so much I wish I could just pack up my bags and go away to start afresh.

(see, another thought of denial)

I went to work so broken I almost broke down in the office. I just tried very hard to fight the tears.

My job now is not a bed of roses, no. The scope is ok so far but the social casting is a bit ummm...

Everyone is niched to another. I cannot break the formation.

(But maybe of course, it is me who is not making the effort to break the formation? I don't know.)

I try, but like I said, I don't know if I am the martian or they are the martians.

Maybe maybe, let's take an objective point of view: We all need time.

Anyhow, really, there are only two approaches I can confront my state of mind:

Either I suck it up and move on, or I quit and that's it.

HHhhmmmm...

You would have guessed my stand for writing this.

...

I am bugged because I tried to live in the future.

Yes, the job is wonderful (somehow) and it provides more room for economical navigation.

But well, I forgot to consider the situation whereby I can't even live out the present.

I have cried so much that I wonder if I need psychiatric help.

But really, when I calm down and think properly, I know that this is where I should be right now.

I just have to break out of my resistant state of mind to move on.

...

Staying stuck in the same spot will not amount to anything.

I need to start living!

Like what I did after my break-up then, I will do now.

Maybe life will be more hectic. Maybe I will be more stressed.

But I know I will live through it.

I mean, if you ask me if I could have minimized my heartache, I would say yes.

Honestly. No, no sour grapes.

The truth is, I knew we were not compatible a long time ago. I just didn't have the courage to let go.

Courage.

And so I clung onto it stubbornly for so long, hoping that one day when I wake up, he will change.

But therein the state of people. Of most of us.

Is it not?

You see, my life before I left for the US has always been like that.

I am sure all of you know.

And that is why I decided to go. Hoping to run away and that things will change after my absence.

Of course, it didn't.

Of course, it won't.

And really, maybe for as long as I live, it will always be like that.

It is my problem. Nobody else can solve it.

It is my problem as long as I am the way I am now. As kong as I think the way I think right now.

But I can change, can't I?

I am sure I can.

Because I did, during that break-up.

...

I know I haven't been the most attentive friend around these days.

I am sorry.

The truth is, my life presently is a deprived one. Really, I am not kidding.

Do I like it?

HHmmm....

Hhhmmm...

I don't hate it. Or rather, I am trying my best to smooth my inner sentiments out.

No no. It is not easy.

But I do it anyway.

Because I know I need to change.

And make me stronger than I am now.

...

And I truly believe, as I look back at this phase in life a few years from now, I will truly understand why God gave me this phase.

The promise to moult

I am kind of in charge of the P3 tutorials. One of the chapters is about life cycles.

Of plants and animals.

In the animal syllabi, there is this process known as 'moulting'.

Question: Why does the insect moult?

...

It was a turbulent day yesterday.

Turbulent because after I had calmed myself down with that blog entry, someone stirred my emotions up again.

Am I under stress? I don't know. Maybe.

But I remember it was really dramatic because I was weeping and eating at the same time. Can imagine the scenario?

Try it. It is kind of too weird a combo.

Anyway, yes, someone/thing stirred me up so much I had to really cry it out.

The target? My pillow lo.

That was the only way I can scream without being found out.

...

If you are tired of me saying that I cry every other day/every week, let me assure you you are not alone.

I am tired too.

Crying takes up a lot of energy ok! After every episode, I have to clear my mucus just to make sure I don't get sick from all that swallowed mucus. (Yikes. Gross...)

And then I perspire so much that I look like I have just finished running or something.

Not to mention my swollen eyes and my lethargic mind.

...

I can't say that today's state of mind will stay with me for the rest of this endeavour.

But I do want it to stay.

I want it to stay because I am as tired as you are from reading about my emotional turmoils.

I am not sure if I have said this before but the way I see my emotions, I am like the insect.

Yes, snakes as well.

Which needs to moult.

Why?

Because the old skin is too small.

Because we need to grow out of the old skin.

Maybe it is not that fitting an analogy--the 'new' skin is definitely more 'spacious'--whereas I seem to feel more suffocated right now.

Maybe...because my perspective is still the old perspective?

I was thinking about my reaction in Long Island. Had I really needed to go?

Well, that really depends on the angle that I am looking at things from.

If we disregard the role my parents play, then no. Not really.

I could always have put up with being a half-Filipino maid.

I say that because in retrospect, when I can look at it from the present perspective, the trade-off was kind of worth it.

That is something I need to learn. Looking at things from the 'future' perspective.

Something which I can definitely do when I am composed and calm.

When I do not let my emotions dominate my psyche.

...

Life is a mountain, I remember I said that once.

But sometimes, it can be a forest.

A forest of dense vegetation whereby you can't fathom your way out at all.

Using your map and your compass, you utilize your map skills and interpret that walking towards the east direction will lead you to the village that you were looking for.

So you walk.

And walk.

And walk.

What if, what if, based on your judgement you were supposed to get out of the forest in 5 hours, but you realize that that was not the case?

First reaction?

Fear?

Second reaction?

Confusion?

Third reaction?

...

If you behave 'typically' your third reaction would be self-doubt.

You will start to wonder if you have read your map properly. You will also wonder if your compass is even working.

Yes? No?

I kind of think I am that navigator who has lost faith in my own ability.

As I was telling N, I feel lost.

Yes, interestingly. I feel lost despite having considered so much before taking on this job.

Why do I feel lost?

I feel lost because...I am not sure if I should be here now.

Although I know that I should be here now.

Just like...I know I was supposed to return home after that episode in Church (seeing the lady and crying...) but I didn't want to.

I just resisted because I am not convinced about the action plan that has been paved out for me.

I know many of you are not religious but let me explain to you:

Most teachers here have to go through a co-pilot before they are formerly offered. The co-pilot serves as an assessment ground.

I didn't need to do it.

Put it another way: I breezed through the whole process.

Wasn't that good?

Ha...I don't know. I am a mortal; I don't think like God.

All I know is that I do know that I should be doing what I am doing now. I know...but I don't like it which therefore makes it difficult to reconcile the strifle.

If I know I shouldn't be doing something but I am doing it, then yes, there is some justification. But alas, no! It is the exact opposite.

So maybe I figured I could try to change my heart.

And moult my perspective.

...

I promised myself that I will continue to have faith in myself.

And in my navigation abilities.

And in my compass and map.

No, it will not be easy. Because imagine you are in the sea--is it easier to swim against the current or with the current?

Yes...and amidst all the negativity in my house, sometimes I really feel like just floating with the current.

Then I will not be so tired.

But I promise myself I won't do that.

I will continue searching for the rainbow to find my pot of gold.

I will...

And in fact, the next time she starts being negative, I have decided that I will tell her off.

Hard.

A promise...

is a promise.

Right till the end.

Car crash

Week after week, I have to confront myself.

How does it feel?

-no comments-

Imagine if week after week, you have to explain to your boss why the big boss employed you.

I don't know if that is an apt analogy; it is the closest I can paint.

But that is what I do: week after week, I have to reason things out to my inner psyche as to why I am doing what I am doing.

One side cringes and cries. The other bursts out and screams.

It is an imploding Dr. Jerkyll and Mr. Hyde in action.

...

I saw this reflection in zbW.

Title, "We/Ours". Very interesting and thought-provoking article.

Apparently, it was a article written by George Carlin. He was a comedy actor of the 70-80's.

It is a pretty long article so I will just do an excerpt of the ideas which have captivated my attention:

In our times, there exist many conflicting sights. We have higher buildings but smaller hearts. We have broader expressways but narrower patience.

We spend more but we have less. We buy more but we enjoy less.

We have better qualifications but less consciousness. We have more knowledge but less execution power. We have more skills and more trouble. We have continually more advanced drug developments but less health.

We drink too much liquor, smoke too many cigarettes, spend too lavishingly, laugh less heartily, drive our cars too fast, get angry too fast, stay up too late, get out of bed too tired, read too little, watch too much TV and pray too miserably little.

We know how to earn a living, but we don't know how to live life. We waste the days in our life away...

We purified the air but choked our psyches.

We learnt to be quick, but we can't acquire the lesson pf patience.

....and it ends off with:

Bear this every single moment: Life is not measured by the number of breaths, but by the second ticking by the clock.

...

Don't ask me for my thoughts about the article. I have too many.

Ha.

And in case you are wondering: Don't I get tired of having to confront myself day after day?

...Of course I do.

But I don't know what else I can do.

If you ask me, I have a whole list of things I want to do. But can I do them now?

I don't know. If my life were only I, me and myself, then that would be nice.

But sadly, my life is not only I, me and myself.

Yesterday my mum said something which started my incessant reasoning: I want to fly, but I can't.

I am not sure if you know, but my mum is sick. So she is saying that she wants to do many things but she can't because of her health.

And I think: I want to do many things too, but my wings are clipped.

See the 'but'. I don't know if I am becoming a 'but' person.

Maybe. Maybe I am conforming to the majority. Isn't that good?

Conforming to the majority means I don't have to fight so hard anymore, right? Because 'my self' will die.

When that happens, can I survive? That is something I ask myself everyday, and that is what R asked me last night too.

You know, amidst the dissatisfaction and despise I have for my life right now, I choose to continue.

Silly? Yea.

Maybe that is a sigh of conforming.

Is it good?

Don't know.

It is one of those many things whereby you only have an answer when you lead it. Like in the Matrix when you have to choose a pill.

Once you have made your choice, that is it.

You will never know what choosing the other pill entails you to do.

All I can think of is that I will jump out of this car the moment I see it crashing.

Don't ask me if that is too late then. Remember, it is like the pill.

R asked me why I persist on when I am so unhappy. Um...I ask myself that too.

But the crux of the problem is, I don't know why I am unhappy. What about the situation makes me unhappy?

Is it the job?

Or is it my current plight?

If it is my current plight, will that change when I change jobs? Probably not.

I thought I would love to be away from home...but I am not sure.

Like R analyzed, I had the chance to be away from home but I came back.

Why had I come back? Because my conscience was pricked.

So if you ask me, which is worst: a tickling prick of conscience or the suppression of emotions?

I don't know. I guess my current psyche reasons the former to be worse. But is it really the case?

I don't know.

Frankly, I ask myself the same question:

Can I hold on? I don't know how long more I need to fight with myself.

And will it be too late when I jump out once I see that my car is crashing?

...

I don't want to see a fossilzed frog

I just had a quarrel with my brother.

Over what? I don't know. He picks a fight whenever he doesn't have enough sleep, and he clearly didn't have enough sleep.

Is it my problem?

No, not when he doesn't have enough sleep. But when he goes around choking people with his hateful words, yes, it is a problem.

And I choke him back.

Moments like this make me wonder about the frog analogy.

These are push factors, clearly push factors.

The water heats up and I am finding it unbearable.

But I stay on, because I believe in evolution.

Only to realize that evolution is a process that transcends centuries.

I will probably be a fossil in the well already.

...

I don't don't like my work. Please, I don't.

And I don't take it for granted.

It is just that I feel out of place.

And that because of my spoilt-brat tendency, I am adopting more of a 'if-you-let-me-work-here-i-will-do-it; if-not-it-is-ok" attitude.

I try to coax myself that this is a good training ground for the future environment I hope to work in, so yes, I should value it.

But yes, as you probably can tell, if I have to coax myself into doing something, it probably means that my heart don't desire the same way my brain has decoded the situation.

Maybe I feel inferior? Although I shouldn't.

We have a mixture of people in the office but everyone is clearly a high-flier.

Or rather, you have to had been a high-flier for you to be there.

So why don't I like it? I have always aspired to be a high-flier, haven't I?

But therein is the key word: I aspired, because I never was.

I never was a high-flier because I do not think the high-flier way.

Because my upbringing was never the high-flier upbringing.

Because deep within my skin and bones, no matter how much I try to bring nurturing into the picture, I am still not of high-flier breed.

*laughs to myself* And so, lunch becomes a boring affair because besides the few words of comment I can utter, the remaining energy is transferred into staring at my yong tau hu bowl.

We don't talk about the same things. I don't even think we think the same way.

Maybe I am wrong. I hope I am wrong.

I think about going to Latin America and doing Argentina Tango. I think about going to UK to learn Balboa. I think about going to America and doing a long long road trip from the East Coast to the West Coast.

I think about going to Japan and learning Japanese. I think about going to Shanghai and teaching Chinese to foreigners and meeting up with PY. I think about going to Russia to learn Russian, and Jerusalem to learn Hebrew.

But I can't say that. Because nobody says that.

Maybe that is the skeleton dream that everyone leaves in the cupboard. Hoping that one fine day when they dust the room, they will bother to clear it and realize its existence.

Or maybe, nobody ever has that dream.

Because nobody ever thought about them.

Instead, maybe I should try to think about the uncontrollable expenditure in my debit column of the passbook or about going shopping to get that nice red blouse. I should know the sales and I should know which brand is the best buy-for-money.

I should because these are the bread and butter issues I should be thinking about.

...

And you know what, I really don't want to be that frog.

Day in day out, I am busy, yes. And I should be glad, because amidst that busy-ness, I do not have the time to think about my plight as a frog.

But I do worry and that fear creeps up on me pretty often.

I was telling R, what if we both become frogs?

*laughs to myself* And yes, while I will really hope that that is because of the passing of time and the change of intentions, I guess what I am really trying to say is...

Maybe one day we will become frogs not because we want to, but because our hind legs have degenerated and we are no longer able to jump out of the tall well like we could before.

...

So since I have no control over that, the only thing I can do now is to stay chirpy and hopeful and leave all to God.

The frog in the well gets a nice tan

I will make this entry a short and sweet one. Or rather, I have to, because I need to get ready to go to work soon.

I am having my proficiency test tomorrow and yes, I am worried. Nervous and worried. Because I didn't do that well during the mock exam.

Mock exams.

No, I don't think they are meant to mock you.

...

After four days of work, I must say estoy muy cansada. It is very tiring. Very tiring.

Not tiring because I have to stuck on my chair for that long a time. It is tiring because I have many many cosas para hacer and no, I am not the only one with so many things to do. It is just that they have gotten round to it, and used to it probably?

And no, I do not grumble....although yes, I am still coming to terms about it.

R said he cannot understand why I cry when my logic clearly stands above all.

Um...put it this way: I am not a logical person by nature.

I am logical because I was trained to be logical. But I am not logical by heart.

That is why I cry over what other people so-acclaimed to be silly things.

Who judges what is silly?

It is subjective.

I think slaving my life is silly because I think life is precious. Others will thing that not slaving his/her life for money is silly.

Who is to judge?

Where is the logic?

...

But if you were to ask me, am I happy?

Well, all I can say is, as long as I can come to terms with the internal struggles I am wrestling with, yes, I will be happy.

And yes, I am slowly coming to terms with many things.

Pride. Ego. Continuity. Comfort. Wealth. Time.

Muchas cosas.

But that is not the thing I am afraid of right now.

What I am most afraid is that I may become...

that frog in the well.

That frog in the well which stares at the bright sky above but lusts no more.

The contented frog in the well.

Which is satisfied with water. With flies. With sunlight.

The rain comes and fills it up. I get my water.

The sun shines down and I get my tan.

Some stupid flies buzz in and I take the chance.

I have all I would ever need. It is all safe. It is all the same.

Day in day out, it will be that way (I am thinking of a tropical frog, so no snow so the water won't freeze).

That is what I am afraid of becoming.

And you know what...they always say: The very thing you fear will usually become the thing you will be. Simply because your thoughts gravitate towards it.

So really all I can is to cast that fear aside.

Cast that fear aside and continue living the life I believe in.

Right?

...

*shrug shoulders*

Affording the growth

I am glad I didn't write last night.

I thought I would, but I figured I had better use the time to practise my zuo wen.

Yes, my exam is this Saturday.

I don't really have a lot of time to revise but I hope I will be fine. I think I should do ok. I think...

...

I was agitated yesterday.

Very agitated.

So agitated that a lady had to stare at me when I was on my way to work because she was curious about my crying.

Ya ah, why I cry?

Why I always cry?

Why I like to cry?

Maybe those questions were the ones in her head.

I cry because I want to.

I am sure that is a right I can at least exercise amidst the many others I can't, right?

...

I don't hate to work. I don't.

If you ask me, what would I prefer: being at home and being a waste or working my head (note, I didn't write heart and soul) out and helping to generate the economy in a meagre way, I prefer the latter.

That is indisputable.

Although yes, I do envy Y's life. Who does the things as his wishes deem.

But what is the value of being envious? You either do it or you don't. You don't stand by the side and clap hands.

And you can do that if you have the means to afford it.

Affordability, it is called, I believe.

If I can afford it, I would have my own stall and sell muffins and tarts.

If I can afford it, I would set up a stall in Manhattan Chinatown and cater to the Chinese community.

If I can afford it, I would publish my book and delicate the collections to a needy institution.

If I can afford it, I will obviously do many things. And I am sure you will too.

But the essence is, I can't afford it.

And I accept it.

...

I was trying very hard to fight the tears on my way back.

I didn't end up being a sight this time round.

But I did ponder about many issues:

What about now do I hate?

And I tried to compare with my previous experiences: Why had I enjoyed RP so much? Or even the language center?

Why do I feel how I feel when I was in the lab?

What is the problem with me?

... I think I kind of know....but I am not sure.

...

I like to call the shots in dictating the schedule I have.

That aside, I like to have a regular life. No, that isn't so right. I like to have a life with regular timings.

Like yesterday, I had my dinner at 9pm. (I think that is why they say a hungry man is an angry man?)

I would have skipped it but my lovely parents had decided to cook my dinner.

Diao.

Anyhow, that is not the point. The point is, my schedule doesn't allow a regular schedule so far.

But I like a regular schedule.

Wait, let me rephrase: I always like the things I can't have---is that what you are thinking?

Maybe you are right.

...

But no, in case you are placing a bet on me leaving soon, ...no, I am afraid you will have to part with your money.

I will not quit like that. Without even trying.

Growth may not be nice. Just like when you were growing from a teenager into an adult, did you like your responsibilities? I bet none of us did.

But like it or not, it is going to happen.

R asked me if I dread going to work.

Um...

... ... No ah.

Why should I dread going to work?

While it is not the thing that keeps me alive, it is one instrument to help me achieve the thing that will keep me alive.

Of course, then we will run into issues of how important is the present and its relative significance to the future.

But let's skip it for now.

I will stick to it and do it. Not because of anything, just because I have promised myself I will.

A promise is a promise.

I have broken my promises to myself too many times. It is time I deal with it.

Growth is not comfortable. It may even be painful. Think about a scar with new tissue growing. Even when the fibroblasts are clustered in the wound area, it will still hurt.

And it will hurt as long as you allow it to hurt.

But it is necessary.

Recollections for Fat Wednesday

I just heard over the radio that yesterday was 'Fat Wednesday' in the UK.

The very reason being that people have a tendency to 1) overindulge in this particular day in post-celebration for Easter 2) not stick to their diets anymore.

That set me pondering: Had I consumed more than the reasonable amount of calories then?

I don't remember.

But I do know that emotion stirring inside me.

...

I met my senior (dance scholarship) after RCIA yesterday.

I think he meant it as a casual comment. I think I should be perceiving it in that same context.

And I am trying to...

"Eh, you have put on weight ah"

An innocent comment that got me jumping to my own defence. "Actually, no le. I have lost weight."

I don't know what is the situation now: if I am actually slimmer or fatter than when I was in Singapore.

There would be a tendency to be fat, wouldn't it? I don't do as much dance anymore.

I have work to do. I attend classes. And I do pilates/ yoga three-four times a week.

He asked if I was still dancing.

I said no...not at the moment.

And if you believe me, I struggle with that too.

I wish I have more time to do the things I want to do, but I am stretched to the limit already.

(You can assume I am finding excuses, but if you know how I lead my life, I bet you wouldn't say that...anyway...)

The RCIA session yesterday was about trust and faith.

We had played two games, of which I thought one was particularly interesting: We were being blindfolded and led around the house to touch things.

We were told to be open to the experience.

Of course, when the game concluded, the unanimous answer was that fear lurked in all of us.

Fear...what exactly are we fearful about?

...

The way I look at it, I am typical of Man. I like to be in control. I want to be able to see what is in front of me.

And sad to say, believe it or not, I am still wimping over my decision to return home. I just don't understand why my mortal wimpy mind refuses to let it go. And I don't understand what exactly about it I can't let go of.

Maybe it is the notion of 'lost': lost opportunities to learn dance and do travel.

Maybe it is the notion of 'worthy time': If God had planned for this, why did He even give me the dance scholarship?

Maybe it is the notion of faith and trust: that despite being well aware of the fact that this was the best decision, I want to lead my way.

We are all mortals, who like to believe we know better, who like to think we are better planners.

But the truth is, we can only see so far.

As far as I am seated from this computer screen.

Many a time, all we have are unknowns. And I know that.

I guess it is just my ego which refuses to submit to reality.

...

Before I left, I warned you guys that I may come back fatter than what you can recall me to be. With due recognition to the American fast food that was set to plague my system.

I came back, 3/4 of the me before I left.

To be honest, my health was not doing well then, so I had spent time recuperating and eating better. In essence, eating more.

If you ask me now, I feel better.

I may be looking plumper than before, and as a result, struggle with my identity but I can feel my core strength developing.

I can do my headstands better and handstands better.

Having said that, however, I do not deny the impact that comment had on me.

But maybe I should stop fighting this battle on my own.

I remember Bob telling me before: An alcoholic can only cease his addiction when he acknowledges this vice. So the same I will do.

I was an anorexic and I still battle with the idealism of being thin once in a while. But it is perhaps time to give it up to God.

Who obviously can do more than I can.

Who obviously can help me more than I can help myself.

Christine asked us...if we were to start letting Him lead every facet of our life, how would this attitude affect our life?

*closes my eyes to think*

Total surrender is hard. But that is what I need to do. From my own problems to my family's issues.

Trust in His Providence, for He is the only one who can see so far.

Do not worry about tomorrow. Today has enough troubles of its own. Matt 6: 34