not in denial, I hope

I am not sure if you would consider me to be in denial.

I don't think I am.

But then, that may be because I am in denial. Ha...you get the logic?

...

N asked me seriously yesterday if I would consider the option that I may be suffering from depression.

Um...

I didn't really shrug her off. Remember I once wondered too.

And to be frank, I am wondering every moment.

Thanks N. =)

Her reasoning was based on the fact that I seem to be never satisfied. No matter what I do.

Yes, she is right.

I am never satisfied.

And like I say, I do wonder if what she said was the case, that I could be suffering from a lack of serotonin and hence causing myself to be depressed.

But let's cast that aside for a while and let me explain (which yes, you may consider me to be in denial if you wish):

...

If you think about it, do you recall me even feeling neutrally 'ok'?

Even when I say 'ok', it is with a slight tendency either towards the good ok, or the bad ok. Right?

I don't know. I remember so, at least.

And usually, I am either smiley or pouty. There is no neutral. Again.

So what N said started me thinking a lot again.

I like thinking, so I don't really mind.

Am I always negative?

HHmmm...yes, maybe.

I don't know if you ever realize too, but I am very sensitive.

Sensitive towards the whole mood of the environment, towards the expressions of the people.

Sensitive to the things people say, people do, their body language.

I pick it up subconsciously.

No no...I am not saying that that is the problem. It is always easy to blame it on something.

What I mean to say is,

my negative side is accentuated by my sensitive side.

Sounds logical? (Sounds like I am in denial?)

...

I really thought long and hard about what N said.

Specifically, I wonder why I am never satisfied.

If you would hear me out, I would think it is because I am still searching.

There are some people who are at ease with whatever they do no matter what they do. It is because they don't really believe in that each of us has a calling.

There are some people who are continually searching and are always moving. It is because ...

the way I understand it...

they have simply yet to find what they are looking for.

And the whole irony of the situation is, they don't actually know what they are looking for; they just know whether something is or not by the feeling.

Feeling.

Yes, it is not empirical. I know.

...

I like this analogy that Q shared with me just now.

Stability and mobility.

Remember how I said I have prayed for a job, and I was happy?

If we go by the logic, then I was happy because I have found a job.

Simple as that.

And then, why do I want to quit now?

Because I realize it is just not what I think.

Simple right?

And your question would then be, will you ever be happy?

...That is hard. That is really hard.

But then, let me ask you back,

are you ever happy?

Or are you contented most of the time?

Or are you just numb and because life is not too bad, hence you group it as being happy?

Maybe, maybe that is how we are each programmed.

The elusive thing about 'happy-ness' (happiness) is that there is no one single definition.

I am not happy now because I haven't found the thing to fill me up.

My inner void.

My calling.

...

I would choose to believe that my thoughts may not be comprehensible by everybody.

I mean, as I am studying the classics now (my course is on selected Chinese poetry and works) and really, sometimes, I feel what the poets and authors feel.

There are just people like that. People who are more vulnerable. People who are more emotional. People with finer emotional streaks.

And that is the way I am.

No no...I am not blaming it on creation or God or whatsoever---I am just saying it because I am growing to accept it.

It is not easy, because day in day out, I wonder about my psychotic inclinations.

...

We all have many gifts; we just need to find those out and share it with the world. Somehow.

Choosing to go away...

After a long hard struggle, I have decided to walk away.

You know, walking away takes as much, if not more courage, than staying on.

But I have decided to walk away because it is just too difficult to stay on.

If I haven't told you, I cry twice every week without fail. No matter how hard I try to withhold my tears, no matter how strong I try to be, no matter how tight I try to hang on to the feeling of hope, I cry.

I have been crying for as long as I have been in the job...and something inside me is telling me it is not right.

I can't explain it.

Like I said a thousand times before, I prayed for the job and God gave it to me so I should be glad.

So if God gave it to me, then it must be good.

Right?

....

I don't know.

All I know is, whenever someone tells me to just quit, and I consider that, I feel relief.

Hard to explain.

It is just too difficult to explain.

...

2 weeks before, the 2nd reading:

There are different kinds of spiritual gifts but the same Spirit; there are different forms of service but the same Lord; there are different workings but the same God who produces all of them in everyone. To each individual the manifestatin of the Spirit is given for some benefit.

1 Corinthians 12: 3-7

Today's 1st reading:

Moses said to the people: "Remember how for forty years now the Lord, your God, has directed all your journeying in the desert, so as to test your affliction and find out whether it was your intention to keep to his commandments.

Deut 8: 2-3

Maybe it is everything that has led to this decision.

We are all blest with gifts. We are all called to share our gifts with the world.

This current job of mine is not bad, it is just not fitting. Somehow.

And I wonder why.

I mean, there must be something somewhere which fits my persona. There must be, because I felt it once.

It felt so right when I was in the polytechnic. So right.

But I chose this.

And yes, amidst my inner conflict, it suddenly dawned onto me, maybe maybe, this was what God wanted me to feel.

Remember how I shared before about choosing to break up with the wrong guy.

The feeling was just...bad...but somehow, I held on because I was afraid of loneliness.

But because I know how a wrong relationship feels, I know how to find the right one.

And I would choose to think that is why my current boyfriend popped into my life. Not by accident. By God's grace.

Remember I also said before, when I make wrong decisions, those are the times when I 'lose' God.

Have I lost Him now? I don't know. I only know, I can't hear Him.

I keep searching and searching but I can't see and I can't hear.

But I am still glad because God gave me guardian angels in my life. People who I can trust. People who I can ask for spiritual guidance.

This morning, we were sharing about the presence of Christ in our life and H shared about her new job.

She has had this new job as long as I have had mine but her reaction is a complete difference from mine.

She beams with satisfaction. She laughs with a twinkle in her eye.

And I kind of feel, that really should be how I am feeling.

Will I ever find that, I don't know.

All I know if, if I don't try, then I will definitely never find it.

simple life

If I have my way, I would definitely not be here right now.

Listening and withstanding crap.

This one is with my mum.

She said I can't deliver my promises.

Well, I said I was going to teach her how to go on the Internet when I get back. When I got back, haha...yes, I just don't want to do it anymore.

Really, she can nag all she want, about me and my empty promises.

I don't care.

It is very tiring to care.

Just a few weeks ago, I was just asking around for places to rent. Yes, I wanted to move out.

I wish I could move out like that...but I know I will break my parents' hearts.

So I will suck it all in and just turn a deaf ear.

But that is not me. Although yes, you can argue--who are you?

Who do you think you are?

The truth is, half the world's population probably don't have an answer to that. The other half don't bother with the question.

...

Life kind of sucks really.

I can't complain much because life could be worse.

I am thankful I am in a place without natural disasters.

I am thankful I am not dying of starvation, yet.

But yes, the ungrateful mentality has caught up with me once again.

...

I don't have a solution to many of the problems I am facing now...like how my colleagues teased me about being a rabbit--I can only hope that they don't mean it in a menacing way.

I am really frustrated at the way my life is being led (note how I phrase my sentence: I didn't say leading my life, I said, my life being led...know the difference??? If not, it is ok...go read up on English linguistics).

The truth is, I have lost quite a bit of the apparent happy-go-lucky side of myself.

And yes, I said apparent happy-go-lucky.

So what is my immediate goal right now? Or maybe, not even immediate goals. What about my goals in life?

...

None.

Can I say that?

Is that a legitimate answer?

I don't have goals anymore. I just want to lead a simple life.

Simple life with simple happiness.

That is really all I want for now.

The beginning of a journey

I had meant to blog last Wed.

I didn't eventually--I started writing and it is in the Draft box--because I didn't have the time to finish it.

Is it possible? Am I really so busy?

...

Frankly, I have been very very low lately.

I don't know why. It is incomprehensible.

I don't remember feeling so down when I was working in the Polytechnic, or even the lab.

I don't remember feeling so down when I just came back.

So really, I don't know why I am so down.

Unless...

Unless it is because I have strayed from the calling of God.

The path that God had called for me to take.

But you see, I prayed about this job and it was given to me. In my logical deduction, there should not be anything wrong with this episode.

The thing is, I really don't know. That is the way it should be. The way I understand it with my mere mortal mind.

But I really don't know why after I have become so despondent, so negative and so downcast.

I feel that my life is a waste. I feel that I am just a wandering soul.

Trust me--those feelings are not good at all.

And it is funny--everytime someone suggests that I quit, and I really consider the option, I am filled with relief.

Why? I also don't know.

It is incomprehensible.

...

The truth is, I hate my life right now. Very much.

And if you ask me, of course I want to do something about it. Of course. Of course I do.

I just don't know what I can do.

I think I need time out to just zone out and not think about anything.

I have a fear inside me. I am afraid that if I quit, I will have no money.

But if the only motivation for my day-to-day living is just money, isn't that a little too pathetic?

Yes it is. I really think so.

But I am not sure how much I can let it go.

Deep down inside, I don't know how to let God take care of it.

Maybe I should just quit. Like that.

And give Him the faith to guide me.

And bestow in myself the belief in His Providence.

...

Let me have the courage to begin this journey.

Let me find myself.

I am lost.

Totally.

And please, if you can spare some light, share it with me.

Please.

Inertia

I have been repressing the blogging streak.

For the simple reason my life has not been good.

Yes, it is a bit ironic. Aren't blogs supposed to be the very venue to vent frustrations and express unhappiness?

Well, I guess I just didn't want the whole world to start questioning my sanity.

...

I have just finished another exam today. As of now, I have cinco mas (5 more) courses to go. The day of relief is due to be on 22nd Oct.

How am I managing?

Bad le.

Muy mal.

My days are hurried. Schedule is packed.

At work, I still feel that my colleagues have their own cliches which I cannot penetrate. So, I have switched to adopting a reserved, introverted and shy persona.

That is not how I am usually. Or rather, that is not how I typically behave. Maybe that is why I feel so repressed.

So what do I do?

Nothing.

I just do nothing.

I don't have the energy to do anything. I am tired of my life like this. But amidst my tiredness, I do nothing.

Ironic. How ironic of a life.

Yeap. That would sum it up quite nicely.

...

I am due for an interview in a polytechnic next week.

No no. Don't get me wrong. I didn't seek it because I was pissed off at the current position. In fact, the resume was posted at the same time; they just took a super long time to get back to me.

The truth is, I don't think I will get it.

But I will still attend the interview for the sake of finding out more.

So why do I not think I will get it?

For the simple reason that I am not trained in language, and that position is for a lecturer in language instruction.

Well, I guess I am glad that they are willing to grant me an interview to begin with.

...

My mum is back to her old tantrums.

Yes. I am disappointed. Very disappointed.

I remember N asking me once and I told her that my mum has changed.

I think T and G asked me too and they too were surprised to hear that.

Well well. Looks like I was the one who needs to adjust my expectations.

Like what they say, a leopard will never change its spots.

And yes, I am seriously thinking about moving out. That is one.

Else, I am thinking of leaving Singapore altogether.

Grasp, you say?

Grasp, I think too.

But I don't know. Sometimes we need to do some things to get somewhere.

I thought things would become better with time. I am tired of always being disappointed.

Maybe, maybe I can only care from a distance.

Maybe that is what I am meant to do--I just try too hard.

...

These days, the prevailing question is,

what is the price of happiness?

I am not happy now. I am not at all.

Really.

And I am disturbed by that. I think I deserve to seek for the life that I feel will make me happy.

But I can't seem to move.

What is holding me back?

...Maybe, it is the lack of guts.

...Maybe it is the call of responsibility.

Either way, I stay where I am. Either way, I continue to lead this unhappy life.

But what is the value of happiness?

The truth is, I know...if I were to incur a terminal disease (touchwood!) and I know there is a certain limit to my time on Earth, I will without a shadow of doubt give out whatever I am doing right now.

Why?

Because I don't believe in what I am doing. Not one bit.

How ironic!

Yes.

So why do I still do what I do when I am so unhappy?

Because I feel that I need to.

Because my parents need me to do it.

Ha.

So really, what is the value of happiness?

....

I doubt I will have an answer.

But worry not.

I am still very sane.

Yes, I cry quite often.

Yes, I hate myself.

Yes, I hate my life.

But no, I haven't gone nuts.

Not yet.

Like a break-up

I can remember when it happened then, how much in denial I was.

Denial aside, I was also...concerned.

(I was going to say 'worried' but haha, I guess that is an overstatement so I reckon 'concerned' is more apt a word.)

Concerned because 1) I cannot imagine life without him 2) I don't know if I will ever find somebody again.

(Yes, put it in another way: I didn't think I am pretty enough or smart enough or demure enough. In fact, I have a very 'hard' personality for a girl. It seemed highly unlikely for me to be in anyone's list.)

But I remember Y telling me this (when she tried to console me):

We need to leave the wrong one so that the right one can come.

Hhmm, I thought that was quite impressive commonsense.

I mean, it is common sense, isn't it? But it is impressive.

And I think I was told by X before (also because she tried to console me):

Work on yourself. Because God will find you somebody who mirrors you.

Did you go wow?

Never mind. I remember I did.

For a while, I was heartbroken. I mean, come on! 4 years of relationship!

It was painful because suddenly, I had to live my life my own way.

We spent a huge amount of time together on the weekends. Suddenly, I was always home.

Suddenly, I had no one to talk to (although I must confess we talked about shallow things and he clearly wasn't my confidant, but well, old habits die hard...).

Suddenly, I felt I was all alone.

I had many dark periods in my life. I would imagine that that phase was one of those.

It was a mixture of many feelings. Disappointment. Grief. Misery. I don't know...

...

Of course I lived through it.

I remember for a period of time, I was even wondering if I should go to Church! (Because we were going to the same Church...)

Yes, you can imagine the kind of situation it was. Yes, it wasn't amicable.

And no, we are no longer in touch. No no no...not because of enmity or what. I just don't happen to keep in touch with the majority of my JC friends and he is unfrotunately one of them.

But anyhow, I thought it is funny that I associate the feelings so far with my previous break-up.

As you know, right now I am finally in a full-time job.

To the relief of many, I must say?

(I say that because practically everyone bugs me to get a full-time job since I have gotten back. I have debated many times and no, I shan't debate here and now.)

Whatever it is, I am in this job because of a few reasons, one of which is so that I can do as I deem in future.

Which is technically wrong.

I say that because day in day out, I feel that my soul is broken by this burden I have shoved onto my back.

And I start to wonder, who cares about the future?

I feel heartbroken that I don't have the energy to be the happy-go-lucky gal I was.

How ironic.

How very ironic.

I am miserable because day in day out, my life equation is work + study.

There is no time and no energy to do anything else.

(Give you an example: I used to be the ones reminding people to meet up for birthdays and in fact, I think it is supposed to be my friend's birthday today. But I have clearly forgotten.)

HHmmmmm...

For the past week, I was in self-hatred. Really.

Really. I hate my life so much I wish I could just pack up my bags and go away to start afresh.

(see, another thought of denial)

I went to work so broken I almost broke down in the office. I just tried very hard to fight the tears.

My job now is not a bed of roses, no. The scope is ok so far but the social casting is a bit ummm...

Everyone is niched to another. I cannot break the formation.

(But maybe of course, it is me who is not making the effort to break the formation? I don't know.)

I try, but like I said, I don't know if I am the martian or they are the martians.

Maybe maybe, let's take an objective point of view: We all need time.

Anyhow, really, there are only two approaches I can confront my state of mind:

Either I suck it up and move on, or I quit and that's it.

HHhhmmmm...

You would have guessed my stand for writing this.

...

I am bugged because I tried to live in the future.

Yes, the job is wonderful (somehow) and it provides more room for economical navigation.

But well, I forgot to consider the situation whereby I can't even live out the present.

I have cried so much that I wonder if I need psychiatric help.

But really, when I calm down and think properly, I know that this is where I should be right now.

I just have to break out of my resistant state of mind to move on.

...

Staying stuck in the same spot will not amount to anything.

I need to start living!

Like what I did after my break-up then, I will do now.

Maybe life will be more hectic. Maybe I will be more stressed.

But I know I will live through it.

I mean, if you ask me if I could have minimized my heartache, I would say yes.

Honestly. No, no sour grapes.

The truth is, I knew we were not compatible a long time ago. I just didn't have the courage to let go.

Courage.

And so I clung onto it stubbornly for so long, hoping that one day when I wake up, he will change.

But therein the state of people. Of most of us.

Is it not?

You see, my life before I left for the US has always been like that.

I am sure all of you know.

And that is why I decided to go. Hoping to run away and that things will change after my absence.

Of course, it didn't.

Of course, it won't.

And really, maybe for as long as I live, it will always be like that.

It is my problem. Nobody else can solve it.

It is my problem as long as I am the way I am now. As kong as I think the way I think right now.

But I can change, can't I?

I am sure I can.

Because I did, during that break-up.

...

I know I haven't been the most attentive friend around these days.

I am sorry.

The truth is, my life presently is a deprived one. Really, I am not kidding.

Do I like it?

HHmmm....

Hhhmmm...

I don't hate it. Or rather, I am trying my best to smooth my inner sentiments out.

No no. It is not easy.

But I do it anyway.

Because I know I need to change.

And make me stronger than I am now.

...

And I truly believe, as I look back at this phase in life a few years from now, I will truly understand why God gave me this phase.

The promise to moult

I am kind of in charge of the P3 tutorials. One of the chapters is about life cycles.

Of plants and animals.

In the animal syllabi, there is this process known as 'moulting'.

Question: Why does the insect moult?

...

It was a turbulent day yesterday.

Turbulent because after I had calmed myself down with that blog entry, someone stirred my emotions up again.

Am I under stress? I don't know. Maybe.

But I remember it was really dramatic because I was weeping and eating at the same time. Can imagine the scenario?

Try it. It is kind of too weird a combo.

Anyway, yes, someone/thing stirred me up so much I had to really cry it out.

The target? My pillow lo.

That was the only way I can scream without being found out.

...

If you are tired of me saying that I cry every other day/every week, let me assure you you are not alone.

I am tired too.

Crying takes up a lot of energy ok! After every episode, I have to clear my mucus just to make sure I don't get sick from all that swallowed mucus. (Yikes. Gross...)

And then I perspire so much that I look like I have just finished running or something.

Not to mention my swollen eyes and my lethargic mind.

...

I can't say that today's state of mind will stay with me for the rest of this endeavour.

But I do want it to stay.

I want it to stay because I am as tired as you are from reading about my emotional turmoils.

I am not sure if I have said this before but the way I see my emotions, I am like the insect.

Yes, snakes as well.

Which needs to moult.

Why?

Because the old skin is too small.

Because we need to grow out of the old skin.

Maybe it is not that fitting an analogy--the 'new' skin is definitely more 'spacious'--whereas I seem to feel more suffocated right now.

Maybe...because my perspective is still the old perspective?

I was thinking about my reaction in Long Island. Had I really needed to go?

Well, that really depends on the angle that I am looking at things from.

If we disregard the role my parents play, then no. Not really.

I could always have put up with being a half-Filipino maid.

I say that because in retrospect, when I can look at it from the present perspective, the trade-off was kind of worth it.

That is something I need to learn. Looking at things from the 'future' perspective.

Something which I can definitely do when I am composed and calm.

When I do not let my emotions dominate my psyche.

...

Life is a mountain, I remember I said that once.

But sometimes, it can be a forest.

A forest of dense vegetation whereby you can't fathom your way out at all.

Using your map and your compass, you utilize your map skills and interpret that walking towards the east direction will lead you to the village that you were looking for.

So you walk.

And walk.

And walk.

What if, what if, based on your judgement you were supposed to get out of the forest in 5 hours, but you realize that that was not the case?

First reaction?

Fear?

Second reaction?

Confusion?

Third reaction?

...

If you behave 'typically' your third reaction would be self-doubt.

You will start to wonder if you have read your map properly. You will also wonder if your compass is even working.

Yes? No?

I kind of think I am that navigator who has lost faith in my own ability.

As I was telling N, I feel lost.

Yes, interestingly. I feel lost despite having considered so much before taking on this job.

Why do I feel lost?

I feel lost because...I am not sure if I should be here now.

Although I know that I should be here now.

Just like...I know I was supposed to return home after that episode in Church (seeing the lady and crying...) but I didn't want to.

I just resisted because I am not convinced about the action plan that has been paved out for me.

I know many of you are not religious but let me explain to you:

Most teachers here have to go through a co-pilot before they are formerly offered. The co-pilot serves as an assessment ground.

I didn't need to do it.

Put it another way: I breezed through the whole process.

Wasn't that good?

Ha...I don't know. I am a mortal; I don't think like God.

All I know is that I do know that I should be doing what I am doing now. I know...but I don't like it which therefore makes it difficult to reconcile the strifle.

If I know I shouldn't be doing something but I am doing it, then yes, there is some justification. But alas, no! It is the exact opposite.

So maybe I figured I could try to change my heart.

And moult my perspective.

...

I promised myself that I will continue to have faith in myself.

And in my navigation abilities.

And in my compass and map.

No, it will not be easy. Because imagine you are in the sea--is it easier to swim against the current or with the current?

Yes...and amidst all the negativity in my house, sometimes I really feel like just floating with the current.

Then I will not be so tired.

But I promise myself I won't do that.

I will continue searching for the rainbow to find my pot of gold.

I will...

And in fact, the next time she starts being negative, I have decided that I will tell her off.

Hard.

A promise...

is a promise.

Right till the end.