Looking at Michael Jackson

Michael Jackson died yesterday. According to the newscast, when the paramedics reached his place, he was already dead.

He was only 50. That is what, half a life time.

Apparently, he had been preparing for his ComeBack tour.

I wonder if he ever knew this was coming; probably not.

...

This week has been quite a week.

I have been having headaches since Sunday. I was supposed to have a meeting. I couldn't make it.

And then, I had headaches on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, yesterday and this morning.

Don't ask me why I get the headaches. I think it is a variety of reasons.

I am stressed out. I am bored.

I am upset. I am annoyed.

Or I am just down.

My mum still throws her tantrums now and then. I try to emphatize. I try to be nice.

I try, but I am still annoyed. I should grow out of it. I always say I should but I never succeed in doing so.

The new officers have taken their positions. I am disgruntled.

But let me clarify: I am disgruntled not because they have their positions, but because I feel underachieved.

You get the difference? Three of us, same qualifications (I have more work experience), but two of them get the posts of senior officers, permanent contracts with benefits while I am not even entitled to the mid-year bonus.

Never mind--I am just being ...irritating.

...

At moments like this, I can only say I want to learn how to remain grateful.

Bent on leaving my old workplace, I had prayed for a job. This had enticed me, so there really shouldn't be anything I should complain about.

It is an easy life. I come in, I knock off. Easy life.

I must believe that I am here for a reason. That a contract may be for my good.

Because it is so cognitive in nature, and I am quite efficient, I have time to 'do other things'...something which I probably can't do if I were a senior officer. I wouldn't have as much time.

...

Actually, life is really really short.

It is just that most of the time, we tend to view time as passing in terms of years...so we make yearly plans and lead yearly lives. We decide that this year, we will visit this place and next year, the other place. We decide that this year, we will learn something and next year, move house. We decide that this year we will wed and next year have kids. We decide that this year we will get healthy and next year we will concentrate on making big money.

But we never wonder about what we should do with now.

My colleague shared with me a story on her husband's friend, who was recently diagnosed with Stage 4 Cancer. The doctor gave him 2 years to live.

And there was this article by a doctor in the papers yesterday, who shared on how he was touched by a husband waiting on his wife for four years because she had been stricken with cancer.

And then as I look over Michael Jackson's photos of past years, I wonder if he was ever happy.

(The commentary said that he never was happy.)

I wonder if he ever saw how fragile life was.

And I do think what my colleague said makes sense. It is actually not so bad being diagnosed with when you will die.

...because at this point when you are finally confronted with the reality that your life is limited, you can finally decide how you want to live.

...because you finally realize that for once and for all, you gotta start living your days (no more years) seriously.

...

I wasn't ever a fan of Michael Jackson. But I think I will still miss him somehow.