I tried hard enough...

I am somehow really getting lazier.

I have had things to write about. In fact, just this morning, I had thought of three things to write about. But I had gotten lazy. And obviously I hadn't gotten down to it.

But since my boss is out (for now), I should quickly get down to it.

...

I had a super big fight with her on Sat.

I had almost left home.

She had told me, with her finger pointing to the door, shouting "GET OUT!" and I had wanted to comply.

Only to realize, aiyah, there is Japanese class later. I had already paid the money; I didn't want to waste any money!

Aiyah, tomorrow I need to go dance. I can only attend so many classes...

I had wanted to go to L...H... (some budget hotel near my place) and spend maybe the weekend there.

But I didn't think L...H...was worth $200.

...

The exchange went as follows:

I had shouted at my brother--surname and name--because my brother was sleeping on my pillow. (Yes, yeeeeee right!)

My mum shouted from the kitchen, saying that I don't have manners. And she said something about me being crazy.

I mumbled to myself about it about her being the one crazy. My brother told me to shut up. My mum asked me to shut the big door. I told her to shut it herself.

At that moment, she had an extension cord in her hand as she was getting ready to do the laundry. So she stormed into the living room with the cord in her hand, shut the door, walked to me and tried to hit me with it.

Yes, she tried to hit me with it. At the same time, she shouted, "Who do you say was crazy?"

I replied "YOU!" and said, "HELLO! You called me crazy first right?"

And then it was show time, as B would call it.

After I tried to stop her from hitting me, I said, "What is it this time? Why are you looking for trouble with me all the time?"

S (She): You do volunteer work all the time. You don't care about the family.

I: Huh? I don't care about the family, then what am I doing?


I didn't even wait for her to reply and I added

Then why do I even bother with what I do?

ENOUGH! (Capital letters mean that I shouted) WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS LOOKING FOR TROUBLE WITH ME?

WHO DO YOU THINK I AM?

YOU HAVE BEEN DOING THIS FOR THE PAST TEN PLUS YEARS. YOU DON'T DO IT TO BROTHER COS HE SHOUTS BACK AT YOU SO YOU TAKE IT OUT ON ME?! HOW LONG YOU WANT TO DO THIS? WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?

(I don't know if you can imagine, but I was really hysterical already.)

Then I asked her, still shouting

YOU SAID I HADN'T DONE ANYTHING FOR THE FAMILY. THEN YOU! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?

She actually replied--nothing.

And I said,

YES! YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING!! SO YOU SHUT UP! IF YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING, YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE THE RIGHT TO CRITICIZE ME! THEN SHUT UP!

I was all shouting and all hysterical.

I was crying and I was shaking.

And she said, in a sarcastic tone,

Ya lo. When you were born, you were clever. You don't need anyone to teach you anything.

You know what? I think that statement is so funny.

Was that all that a parent is meant to do? Teach the child something?

When you were born, your mum was dead.

Well, I haven't thought more of that.

IF YOU HAVE THE GUTS, GET OUT OF THE HOUSE NOW!

...AND FROM TODAY ONWARDS, DON'T EVER TALK TO ME.

Frankly, I wouldn't want to talk to her.

Talking to her has been too tedious, too trying and too tiring.

My clothes get missing when she dries them. I have to cook my dinner because she said she is dizzy.

I don't know, but more of it, as I see it, is laziness.

Maybe, maybe I have misunderstood her.

But I really just think,

some people were never meant to be parents.

Because they don't even know how to love.

And I don't say it to criticize anybody...

But I just feel very sorry for myself when I look around and I see loving parent-child relationships.

I mean, it is not like I never tried.

It is not like I never tried hard enough.