Keeping it in mind

My colleague asked me if I will continue to work here should my boss renew my contract next year.

I said, it is hard to say. I said I didn't know.

But obviously, that is a lie.

...

I have been feeling rather distracted of late. I think maybe I am hitting the bottleneck again.

Or maybe it is the vacation, which has just lifted my spirit away.

Maybe it is the quarrel between R and I--which made me realize happiness is really meant to be cherished.

But whatever it is, the conversation that Y and I had just now left me more distraught.

Maybe I am exaggering.

I don't know.

I just know--as I was reminded of my father's age, I am also reminded of the passing of time.

Precious. It is precious.

He is getting old. One day, the whole load will come onto my shoulders.

And of course, I will take it up. I am sure I will.

Maybe I may have trouble. Maybe I will fall. Maybe I will cry.

But I will take it up.

The more important issue then is--I must make sure I have planted the milestones by then!

That I would have taken classes in Spain, completed Teachers' Training in India, visited Europe, gone to Kyoto, have a road trip in the U.S.A and danced Salsa in Cuba/Puerto Rico and Argentina Tango in Argentina.

I just have too many expectations, huh.

Why can't I take life in the slow lane?

Why can't I be more passive and less willful?

Why do I want to hold life so hard?

...

And yes, I am going to grumble that life is too short.

And that I don't have time.

Although, weirdly, I also don't know if I am using it in a constructive way now.

I am in a similar predicament as many others. I am at the crossroads and I don't know where to go.

I can of course, continue to work here if my contract gets renewed. But if I do that, the only reason is because life is too slow here.

And I am no longer in that mindset--I want job stability; I want a place that can keep me looking forward and not a situation which I have to keep looking for ways to be forward.

...

R said he has realized there is no point in having the will that all your intentions must be fulfilled; it never happens anyway.

Maybe he is right.

But I choose to think of it this way: If you don't look for ways to fulfill all that intentions, then for sure they will never be fulfilled.