Looking at Michael Jackson

Michael Jackson died yesterday. According to the newscast, when the paramedics reached his place, he was already dead.

He was only 50. That is what, half a life time.

Apparently, he had been preparing for his ComeBack tour.

I wonder if he ever knew this was coming; probably not.

...

This week has been quite a week.

I have been having headaches since Sunday. I was supposed to have a meeting. I couldn't make it.

And then, I had headaches on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, yesterday and this morning.

Don't ask me why I get the headaches. I think it is a variety of reasons.

I am stressed out. I am bored.

I am upset. I am annoyed.

Or I am just down.

My mum still throws her tantrums now and then. I try to emphatize. I try to be nice.

I try, but I am still annoyed. I should grow out of it. I always say I should but I never succeed in doing so.

The new officers have taken their positions. I am disgruntled.

But let me clarify: I am disgruntled not because they have their positions, but because I feel underachieved.

You get the difference? Three of us, same qualifications (I have more work experience), but two of them get the posts of senior officers, permanent contracts with benefits while I am not even entitled to the mid-year bonus.

Never mind--I am just being ...irritating.

...

At moments like this, I can only say I want to learn how to remain grateful.

Bent on leaving my old workplace, I had prayed for a job. This had enticed me, so there really shouldn't be anything I should complain about.

It is an easy life. I come in, I knock off. Easy life.

I must believe that I am here for a reason. That a contract may be for my good.

Because it is so cognitive in nature, and I am quite efficient, I have time to 'do other things'...something which I probably can't do if I were a senior officer. I wouldn't have as much time.

...

Actually, life is really really short.

It is just that most of the time, we tend to view time as passing in terms of years...so we make yearly plans and lead yearly lives. We decide that this year, we will visit this place and next year, the other place. We decide that this year, we will learn something and next year, move house. We decide that this year we will wed and next year have kids. We decide that this year we will get healthy and next year we will concentrate on making big money.

But we never wonder about what we should do with now.

My colleague shared with me a story on her husband's friend, who was recently diagnosed with Stage 4 Cancer. The doctor gave him 2 years to live.

And there was this article by a doctor in the papers yesterday, who shared on how he was touched by a husband waiting on his wife for four years because she had been stricken with cancer.

And then as I look over Michael Jackson's photos of past years, I wonder if he was ever happy.

(The commentary said that he never was happy.)

I wonder if he ever saw how fragile life was.

And I do think what my colleague said makes sense. It is actually not so bad being diagnosed with when you will die.

...because at this point when you are finally confronted with the reality that your life is limited, you can finally decide how you want to live.

...because you finally realize that for once and for all, you gotta start living your days (no more years) seriously.

...

I wasn't ever a fan of Michael Jackson. But I think I will still miss him somehow.

mortality

My mother is still giving me her long face.

I don't know why--she talks to my father (and possibly, my brother) but she gives me the long face. Until I feel like not acknowledging her even at home.

I don't know why she behaves that way really. How long does she think I will be by her side? *shakes her head* I find it so amusing. We are not immortals. Not she. Not I. We each have our own vocations. Or maybe I at least. And I know very soon, I will leave her...so I really find her actions so childish and so silly.

...

I went for a retreat over the weekend. It is a marriage preparation kind of retreat. So over the weekend, the other person that I really have contact with, other than the other participants around, was my companion.

I don't know if I had mentioned this before--but we almost couldn't make it for this round. Simply because he had taken so long to sign up.

He had expressed the intention some time back but I really loathed it when he procrastinates. So that was in reality what happened.

I had retireved the form. We had gone to the website. The website had said the weekend in May was available, so we zoomed in on that.

God knows why in the end he took so long. By the time he finally confirm-chop-stamp decide he wants to go, the places in June have been snapped up.

So I nagged at him.

We decided to try anyway. Well, July was still a good time. There was no rush.

And we went through the wait list for June...!

Altogether, 30 couples went for the retreat.

Initially, I had thought it was going to be non air-conditioned; everybody was going to be super friendly and supportive; I thought I would be one of the friendlier ones.

I was wrong.

Air-conditioned rooms were available for all of us. The males were housed on level 2 and the ladies were housed on level 3.

Some were normal-friendly; others not so. I, um...I was unusually unfriendly.

Usually, when I meet strangers, I will be the one initiating a conversation. Maybe because I hadn't come alone or maybe it was because I "obeyed instructions" (We were told that this weekend should be dedicated to your partner) so I was stuck in the 'serious' mode. Whatever it is, I hadn't actually made many friends. Looking at it in hindsight, that is quite disappointing; the friends could have become a network of support.

Anyhow...

I thought the camp was ok. Apart for the fact that I had to sleep with the lights on (YES! I thought I was afraid of the dark but at least I sleep with the lights switched off! I have met my match!) and that the food was super oily, I felt the camp has been useful in one sense.

You see, we have been talking about similar topics before we went to the camp. We have communicated about communication styles, expenditure styles, lifestyles...to name a few. We have talked about raising kids, relocating (if we need to), accomodation issues.

And because we have talked about them, the retreat was more of, in his words, an indicator of where we have been so far.

I would say...while I am no expert in relationships, ours are in reality pretty stable. I say that because I saw couples get upset, flustered, and I hear girls bitching about their partners...when they were engaged and were going to be married soon. We, in contrast, just talked.

And no, I do not mean to say we understand each other very well already. I don't actually think that is possible because we are individuals changing all the time. Not to mention my melancholy tendencies can sometimes be a hard shield to penetrate.

It takes a lot to communicate to another individual. For some of us, we don't even have the courage to face ourselves, what to mention another individual.

At the bottom line, it is respect, honesty, trust and faith all bundled together.

...

Initially, we had signed up with the expectation it was Fr. M who was going to go through the weekend with us (it said so in the pamplet).

In the end, to my surprise, it was Fr. O.

I am more familiar with Fr. M because he had come to our church earlier to give us a theology talk...but Fr. O...the only time I remember him was when he spoke slurringly during a session.

I was worried he was going to be speaking in his accent again.

....

In his words, the weekend marked an important phase in our relationship.

I guess so.

You would have realized that we don't always exactly feel the same way about things. But I am still grateful the relationship lasted till today.

I am also grateful that he is in my life, to be frank.

Come middle of this week, we will be celebrating our anniversary. I guess going for EE prior to that made it all the more meaningful.

Because I think, now I can really understand why marriage is a sacrament and a vocation.

And both of us like Fr. O so much now that we are quite certain he will be the solemnizer when we get married.

We like his facial expressions when he shared with us his experiences with parishoners.

We like his inserts of candid comments when he taught us about the basic principles.

I don't know...we just found him very fatherly.

Before we left, we asked him if he would mind coming to our church to marry us.

I don't remember his exact words but he did say he will, with a wink, if his schedule permits, if our church schedule permits and yes, if he is still around in the world.

Of course, he is 78.

Master of science

Last night, I was thrilled to receive an sms from E.

She had messaged me to tell me about LISS. Interestingly (amazingly) it was the one I had seen on the noticeboard on Sun, and had told myself to go browse the website which I had then forgotten.


More interestingly, I had meant to attend Amplify's LISS, which is scheduled next Sat/Sun. I hadn't because this weekend I am at EE and there were no other replacement classes I could attend.


He does work in mysterious ways.


As of now, I have officially signed up. And E is also officially helping out. In the group I will be in!


...


This is by far the most number of retreats I have ever attended in a year!


Of course, I used to think retreats were nonsense.


I used to think communal living was nonsense. That is why I didn't want to stay in the hall when I was in the University. I cannot understand why people want to share bathrooms and toilets with others. (Yes, you have to share with others when you are at home but that is different, right?)


Anyway. my perspective took a turn after the first retreat this year. Which was yes, my first retreat, which happened before baptism.


I enjoyed that. And finally, I think I understood it.


...


I am still struggling about the paths in front of me.


I have applied to a few schools to do a Ph.D but all I get are rejection emails.


That, must mean something.


But what that means--I am sorry I don't know. I am frustrated I don't know.



All I know is if there were a reason why I want to do a PhD, it would be because the brain gets me excited.


But then many things get me excited too.


...


I have been called a Jack of all trades and a Master of none by R's mother.

I didn't deny it. It is true.

But I didn't like it to end that way so I answered back: I am a Master of Science.

And that is true too.

...

I wish I could be clearer of where I am heading.

I wonder why I don't ever know.

And I wonder if I really am only mean to be a Jack of all trades.

Keeping it in mind

My colleague asked me if I will continue to work here should my boss renew my contract next year.

I said, it is hard to say. I said I didn't know.

But obviously, that is a lie.

...

I have been feeling rather distracted of late. I think maybe I am hitting the bottleneck again.

Or maybe it is the vacation, which has just lifted my spirit away.

Maybe it is the quarrel between R and I--which made me realize happiness is really meant to be cherished.

But whatever it is, the conversation that Y and I had just now left me more distraught.

Maybe I am exaggering.

I don't know.

I just know--as I was reminded of my father's age, I am also reminded of the passing of time.

Precious. It is precious.

He is getting old. One day, the whole load will come onto my shoulders.

And of course, I will take it up. I am sure I will.

Maybe I may have trouble. Maybe I will fall. Maybe I will cry.

But I will take it up.

The more important issue then is--I must make sure I have planted the milestones by then!

That I would have taken classes in Spain, completed Teachers' Training in India, visited Europe, gone to Kyoto, have a road trip in the U.S.A and danced Salsa in Cuba/Puerto Rico and Argentina Tango in Argentina.

I just have too many expectations, huh.

Why can't I take life in the slow lane?

Why can't I be more passive and less willful?

Why do I want to hold life so hard?

...

And yes, I am going to grumble that life is too short.

And that I don't have time.

Although, weirdly, I also don't know if I am using it in a constructive way now.

I am in a similar predicament as many others. I am at the crossroads and I don't know where to go.

I can of course, continue to work here if my contract gets renewed. But if I do that, the only reason is because life is too slow here.

And I am no longer in that mindset--I want job stability; I want a place that can keep me looking forward and not a situation which I have to keep looking for ways to be forward.

...

R said he has realized there is no point in having the will that all your intentions must be fulfilled; it never happens anyway.

Maybe he is right.

But I choose to think of it this way: If you don't look for ways to fulfill all that intentions, then for sure they will never be fulfilled.

A passionate life...if I put my faith to it.

I like the article in Mind Your Body which was a reflection by a 45 year-old freelance writer. He talked about the shortness of life.


I like his essay a lot. I kind of agree with him. Or rather, with the Roman philosopher which inspired him to write the article.


Most of the time, we tend to complain time is not enough. We say, life is too short.


But the fact is, most of the time, we haven't been living it properly. We didn't live a life; we merely pass time.


Think about it: (it is a very long article)
http://www.forumromanum.org/literature/seneca_younger/brev_e.html


...

Y commented a few days back that she like the way I live my life passionately.

Well, I am not exactly sure if I am living passionately. I try to, I guess, but I do think it can be better.

Anyhow, I returned from my trip on Tuesday night, but formally returned to work only on Thursday.

It is Friday today, so effectively, I only worked two days this week. So, yes, it has been a short week.


My trip was fabulous. It was a pity that it was so short.


The itinerary stated 4 days, but effectively, it was only a 2 day event. We spent such a long time on the train! It took...around 8 hours? We left feeling that we should have used it as a mid-point, and travel to Redang or Kuala Lumpur instead.


And while there is no doubt about the authenticity of the train ride (since we get to peep into people's backyards and cut across beautiful breath-taking plantations), the gruelling numbness of the butt is just too much to take.


But I wouldn't mind taking the train again though provided, either it is bound for Johor Bahru or it is an overnight train.


...


The trip has left me very inspired. Very very inspired, in fact.


You see. I am an authentic city-dweller. I like sports but I hate the sun because I am scared of freckles.


I hate outdoors because I dislike being sticky because I see all the dust specks sticking to me to emerge as black moles...and not to mention the potential pimples that may pop up.


Yes, I am vain somewhat. So frankly, I wouldn't really opt for outdoor activities too enthusiastically. This time, the trip occurred purely out of boredom.


I had gone with R: I was bored with the things we were doing together in Singapore. I had thought we could do something different...so when the notice came out, I signed up.


The fact is, I like trekking. I remember enjoying it very much when I was in Tioman. I remember I had wanted to do it again. I also remember the times a few of us trekked in Singapore and how I had enjoyed the flora and fauna.


But this trip was just different.


...


The activities were really interesting. In a nutshell, we visited the Orang Asli (the Baqet tribe), played with water in Lata Berkoh, trekked up Teresek Hill and explored Gua Telingga. We even had a night trek in the forest behind the resort.


Amidst the fact that it was humid and hot, I enjoyed myself. I thought I learnt a lot!


I learnt about why the Orang Asli leave the deceased on tree tops and why they moved to other plots of land (they are nomadic by nature). I also learnt about new 'wildlife' creatures like the fire centipede (because its legs are all red and its body is outlined red too), sweat bees, tree snake, toy-looking grasshopper, beetle-looking cockroach.


Most importantly, I was reminded about being "in the moment", something which I had kind of forgotten.


Amid each step I take as I climb up Teresek Hill, I had to be in the moment. It was not about looking forward to the cave or the summit. It was not about the night before. It was now (then). It was the now that will make that one step, should I fall or stand, should I be one step closer or remain.


That feeling is...real.


It was that very same feeling in the cave.


I had remembered distinctly that I had thought of turning back as I started out.

The cave entrance was puny, barely enough for a cat. And I was just stunned that I was going through it! It was dark, wet and soggy inside. I felt miserable.

And I so wanted to turn back! It was just too small, too uncomfortable...too suffocating...too...claustrophic for me. But, because I was in the middle, there was no way I could turn back. I just had to continue.

So, despite not being too certain if I will make it to the end (I suppose everyone can make it but remember my arch was still recovering), I just had to continue. And so I went.


Across puddles of water. Into little drains. Past skinny slits. Under jaded edges. Some parts, I slided down with my butt and my hands. Other parts, I squeezed through laterally.


There was one portion of the cave that is just so prominent: The front part was a big rock and all left was a small hole, half of it was covered by water.


It had looked like a dead end to me. I was almost certain this was the end of the cave, that we had to turn back.


But when the guide told us to follow him and he disappeared practically behind the rock, I was like...OMG...

Yes, we had to duck-walk under the rock across the water to the other side quite literally.

As much as I tried, I couldn't stretch out my legs long enough and my shoes got wet. No choice, I had to get going. Continue..

I emerged. On the other side of the rock.

Towards the end, I got a bump on my head because I had missed the edge and had jutted my head out unknowingly, but my face was stil lit up with a smile.

That cave to me, wasn't easy at all, especially that one threatening rock.

But...the fact that I emerged (with the help of other people on the team--thanks!), I realize one thing:

If I could get past that cave, I don't think there is nothing in life that I can't get past.

Of course, it may not be a sole effort. Of course, we may need other people. But there is really nothing that will be a stumbling block.

As long as you believe.

As long as you put your faith to it.