Same life. Different mind.

It has been one week since I got home.

I bet the key question on everybody's minds is...

how am I doing?

...

The truth is, I have been sick since I came home.

On Sunday I have had a temperature. I have been running one for the last couple of days.

It gets me down and lethargic. On top of the jet lag I have to fight.

On top of the fatigue I have.

These days, I have been doing what I used to do in the US. Cleaning up.

Yes, I can't believe it myself, but really, that is what I am doing.

Cleaning up my desk. Cleaning up my wardrobe.

Cleaning up the cabinets. Cleaning the bookshelves.

Cleaning up the space under the TV. Cleaning my room.

Cleaning up the computer table. Cleaning the shelves.

There are many things to clean.

Cleaning up my thoughts. Sorting out my emotions.

Cleaning up my grievances. Sorting out my plans.

Cleaning up my worries. Sorting my schedules.

Learning to pick up my life again.

...

So, am I happy?

The truth is, as much as I want to lament about what happened today--

how I broke down at home and cried because my mum still fails to understand me,

how I am crumbling under the constant pressure to 'lead a normal life' and 'get a proper job'--

and cry and complain and wrestle my arms wildly in the air screaming that life is hard,

I am happy.

I am happy now. And while I am sure life can definitely be better, I am contented with what I have.

It looks different now. Everything.

I mean, I already know things will be different when I return from this journey. I just didn't expect them to be this different.

From taking the bus to basic street navigation to Chinese place names.

Even being at home feels different.

The truth is, nobody has changed. Nothing has.

Apart for the fact that the feeder bus service has increased 5 cents and that the ERP is more expensive,

and that milk costs more and the green apples in the green grocers are not as good as those in NY,

...

My mum is still the same grounchy woman.

My brother is still the same chap who doesn't spare a thought for other people.

My dad is still the self-sacrificing diligent man.

It is still the same familiar things.

And while I would have thought there may be a little more understanding and a little more empathy, no, nothing has changed.

And really, it is ok.

I would have thought that it is not ok. I would have cried my heart out and bang my head against the wall in frustration about how fruitless the journey has been.

I would have been despondent and exasperated.

But no, I didn't react that way.

And I have no intentions of doing it.

It is all different because I am different.

I feel different. I think different.

In some ways. In many ways.

I think, one very important thing is, there is no more of that attitude of taking things for granted anymore.

And really. when 'grantedness' becomes gratitude, life takes on a different dimension.

...

My internet connection will be up in two days.

I will blog about more stuff then.

Till then.

Hasta luego