Nuevo Chino ano

If I may do an official countdown, it is 4 more working days till my departure.

4 working days with inclusion of one incredibly hectic day (which is tomorrow) of 10 working hours should be bear-able, I hope.

Note the clause at the end.

I dare not hope for much; that is the least I dare to hope for.

...

I haven't been able to sleep well these few nights.

Why?

Um, I don't know, although I would think that working hard kind of makes it hard to sleep.

I am so tired I can't eat.

Then my stomach growls and I can't sleep.

But I am tired.

Ha..never mind, life is always complicated.

...

I am still attending class these days. Next Monday will be my last class.

I am a little sad, yes, I am.

But that is the way with life--we take and give. We don't always have the best scenarios but we get around it.

Life has been kind, frankly.

I mean, at least the current 'employer' takes care of my food and lodging. They are nice people.

But I really don't like how they exploit you.

I met up with the previous host today to settle some payments.

They have this thing called 'match closure' and part of the deal entails collection of outstanding payments for education and vacation and the such.

I was issued a cheque with the education allowance tabulated in--I could have ran away with it but I told them I wasn't staying here so I won't be banking the cheque.

In exchange for my honesty, he gave me $50.

Ha...does that not remind you of the stories you read when you were a kid? "Honesty is the best policy"?

That is not the point, of course.

The point is, till now, he still feels that I was a good au pair.

I tried my best. The situation didn't work out because it was not in my favour, but in their opinion, I was great.

The current family thinks I suck.

They think that ...I don't know. I don't know what they think.

I just don't like how the host mum will say "why didn't you do.... when you were waiting for the laundry?" or how the host dad will always be saying it is my fault that they have missed the bus or the such, and like how "you have to be faster" when I am holding their kid and running across the road.

Please lo.

But at the end of the day, I still think they are great people.

He helped me print out my e-ticket. They paid for my food.

At the end of the day, I will just say that the match didn't work out.

Is it anyone's fault?

I don't have an answer to that.

...

It is Chinese New Year.

Do I feel lonely?

Um...ok. Not really.

Miserable?

Um, ok. Not really.

How do I feel. then?

Many mixed feelings intertwined together.

My dad was saying "Let this be a lesson". I don't know what exactly he meant to say.

You know, if I may be frank, I came here partly because I didn't want to spend Lunar New Year at home.

I didn't like how my aunt will nag at me to find a proper job.

I didn't like how my grandma will pester me to settle down soon.

I didn't like many things.

But again, I learnt, that is the way of life.

We keep thinking we want to seek the greener pasture...only to realize maybe it is because it is of a different lighting and our eyes are just playing tricks on us.

I have grown a lot.

Learnt a lot. Seen a lot.

Felt a lot.

And I think most significantly, I have changed a lot.

Not in terms of appearance definitely (my hair is longer...but besides that, I don't think there is any difference).

As I was walking to and from school today (I walk to and from school to save transport fees because the host doesn't pay and I am just being cheapo about it. But really, it is quite a significant sum of money if you look in terms of relativity), I was thinking about what my dad had said.

Let this be a lesson.

I think he meant that...let me grow from it.

And you know what. I will.

I told myself...

I will never want to hurt their feelings again.

Never.

Never again.

And that is my pledge for the New Year.

And the ensuing years ahead.

Happy Lunar New Year.

See you soon.