Say thanks for the glass that I have

It is very very easy and tempting to think about what you don't have than what you have.

I speak for myself, at least.

Just last night, I had called up my counselor about the situation and I was told that I would probably get a month's stay at most.

Which is...not really a piece of good news.

Because earlier on the day, I had just convinced myself I will hang on till March before I formally depart from here.

(And trust me, it was really 'just').

And yes, if you interpreted me correctly, if I can hang on till March, my plan is to head straight home. No more waiting for potential families. No more sloughing for an American family.

But as it turns out,

The perfect plan thought by Man can never thwart the will of the Almighty.

...

Frankly, I am pissed.

For one, the counselor was putting restrictions on my search.

It is frustrating.

Never had I expressed the desire to not drive again and she has self-righteously declared so in her search for my rematches.

Never had I once said that I want to be confined to just the house but yes, she has also so righteously declared this as another limit.

Never had the host parents said that I was a reckless driver; they were just concerned.

Whatever it is, I am annoyed that she took the matter into her own hands and stipulated the unbelievable conditions.

Think about it:

In this country where mobility is reliant on an automobile, how far can you get in a request to 'not drive at all'?

I am angry that she is taking the matter into her own hands and not really considering my point of view objectively.

Although honestly, I feel more dismay than annoyance.

My decision to stay till March was so that I could have Baptism here before heading home. I would have 9 more weeks then.

Why do I want to be baptised here, you ask.

Because it is a place of special significance to me, not to mention the fact that the Church has an alluringly exquisite infrastructure.

So really, 9 weeks isn't a long time.

Plus! 9 weeks will give me ample time to finish up on the chiro- treatment.

Not to mention sufficient time for me to head for some dance class after my 'confinement'.

But now, all I have in fact is 4 weeks!

Argh!

4 weeks!!!!

...

And it dawned onto me that I was once staring into a glass that is half-empty.

I wanted so much to slap myself--haven't I been convincing myself to always look at things from the other perspective?

What was I doing?

What am I doing?

...

So when that revelation hit me, I realized that frankly,

Maybe that really was what was meant to happen.

I run into people with different working styles. I run into people who thwart my plans.

Fact of life.

I run into situations with undesirable outcomes. I run into situations which are uncomfortable.

Fact of life.

This morning, L was just sharing with me once again.

(I loved talking to her. I gave her a nice sold box of chocolates for Christmas and I bet her kids love it.)

Accept the fact that I am not into childcare.

I don't know if I had shared this before but half the time, I have been wondering about what is wrong with me.

Why do other au pairs love this and I don't?

Just what is my problem?

And L said something very funny (pardon her if you are into childcare. She probably said it to console me).

It is for the dumber people.

She said that her friends who were better mothers (she has a hard time with her kids too because the only activity she enjoys with them is homework..and I have to confess I kind of share the same sentiments. Recall: I was all passionate in coming here to teach them the Chinese Language that I even bought books just for this!) are dumber (to her).

For people who need intellectual stimulation, it is just not the thing to do.

It echoes what X had told me before: Because of the very nature of the society I originated from, all this stuff inevitably bore me.

I need movement. Pace.

I need stimulation, all the time.

Which I also don't know if it is a good thing or not.

Anyway, L ended off by telling me to acknowledge that:

Accept that you are just not into childcare! It is not a shame...

There are other things you are cut out to do. Stop fitting yourself into a mould.

And for the first time, I realized maybe that was the situation.

I keep fitting myself into moulds.

Moulds that may not suit me.

Either in personality, or character.

And all that I really needed to do then, is perhaps to leave for home.

I don't know. I guess, for now, I will leave that option open.

Until the time comes, there is really no need to think too much.

All I need to do is remember to be thankful for that glass I once had.