Just another soul in the world

I can't describe how beaten I feel right now.

Yes, beaten.

When I had thought today was just supposed to be another day of mere disagreement with him, it had to escalate into something more.

And I have no one to turn to.

No one at all. Say yay!

...

The car tyre had gone flat.

According to the older kid, it has never happened before.

Wow. How amazing.

I just cannot believe it.

I bet no one has had three accidents, been to the police station and then encountered a flat tyre in 5 months.

Can you believe that? That is my record.

Say yay.

...

I don't know what to think of all these events.

I am feeling so sick myself. I have had a bad throat for two days already. My nose is sniffy. I have a throbbing headache.

But I am still responsible for the kids. Big deal.

What am I worth?

Say yay.

So when she was not feeling well and the childcare center had to call me up, never mind that I had planned to nap during the afternoon.

Never mind that I was not feeling well myself. The kids are my utmost reponsibility!

And then, because I had class today, I left the car outside since I have been severely warned "PLEASE DO NOT EVER DRIVE THE CAR AGAIN" (I am not sure if I mentioned it before but there was one time when I took the car out and I reached home only to get a little reprimand from her).

And then the tyre had to go flat.

Yay Yay Yay!

Three cheers!

And the young one had a tantrum because she was feeling tired.

Yay Yay Yay!

And I am all sniffy and sick and blue in the face and I really really start to wonder about the value of my life.

What am I doing here?

Can someone tell me?

People take sabbatical so that they can progress in their line of work.

Others take vacations for a worthy cause like street children and the underprivileged.

And me?

....

This is the one time I am blogging my thoughts without first going through R.

And it is funny, because I realize, every time we have a big disagreement, something will always happen.

And that will be kind of how we made up.

I had that same impulse just now--to sms him and tell him what is happening.

But I didn't.

Because somehow, it didn't seem likely that it mattered to him.

At all.

Or maybe, I never mattered to anybody.

....

I found out not too long ago that I need to give two weeks' notice before I can leave formally.

And I am really thinking if I should even hold on to 21st to give my notice.

(Yes, if you are counting the dates, I give my notice on the 21st, I need to stay till Feb. Damn it. I was hoping to leave by the end of the month.)

I think my whole stint is a big joke.

I mock myself.

So much.

I hate myself.

So much!!!!

I have thought that this whole self-loathe and hatred will disappear with the afternoon but the flat tyre brought it back.

Might as well.

Say yay.

Say yay for the fact that I am but a big stupid joke.

And that I am just another helpless soul wandering around on the surface of the earth.