The remnants of 2007 all tied up

I am now writing from Pittsburgh,

I am in my friend's house, using her computer while she is sleeping (I asked for permission already) and trying to blog before I get ready to shower as I get ready to pack and leave for 'home'.

I hope you had a good/meaningful/wonderful/delightful New Year's Eve.

...

It felt good spending the last of 2007 in a place filled with warmth and love.

I am being extreme, you say? How can there be such a big difference?

But it is a big difference. Really.

...

I didn't actually do much sightseeing while I was here.

I know I should. I mean, it is like the 'expected' thing to do when you visit a foreign place, is it not?

If I hadn't told you, by the way, I have been in NY for nearly four months now and I hadn't actually gone about exploring the place.

So yes, that was supposed to stick your foot into your mouth.

*laughs*

Am I in a good mood? Well...

Yes and no.

My usual answer.

Yes, because I am feeling happy. That is the truth.

No, because I am going home later. Which I kind of dread.

But well, that is just a fact of life. We take a break so that we will have the energy and means to continue our voyage.

So, since I hadn't done much sightseeing, what have I been doing?

That is a tough question but if I may generalize,

then it will be, remembering my very existence and the very essence of being me.

Sounds too ridiculous?

Yeah, I know.

But really, this very short trip here has led me to think and ponder over many things.

My friend and her husband are both working in their endeavour to become scientists, a venture that I thought I have long gotten over about.

In my conversations with them for the past few days, I found myself wondering if I have really gotten over it.

I enjoy the brainstorming process. I enjoy reading journals and putting ideas together. I enjoy conceiving experiments.

And the worst thing is, I was good at it.

But alas, I left research because I hated the monotony nature of it,

And no, there was no way I could get out of it. I can so clearly remember how I used to dread going to school.

Therein lies one revelation: We often have forgotten thoughts about our endeavour.

Wait, maybe I shouldn't say 'we'; maybe I should say 'I'.

Even though I may have, at one point thought I can't be anymore clear about my stand.

The truth about life is that for so many things, there is no pick-and-choose-the-ones-you-want-and-you-can-leave-whatever-you-don't-want-behind option.

Take marriage for example:

You cant say that you love the idea of being together when you don't quarrel and hate the idea of being a couple when you argue.

It is a package deal.

The same with many, or maybe all, things in life.

So I was once again reminded about why I didn't like research.

...

I talked to G about many things,

And she shared with me something which I am sure many of you have been trying to tell me (and I am sorry I hadn't taken heed. I am a little slow and I apologize for that):

Leave that ugly parcel of life behind.

Yes, I cannot change the fact that they will treat me the way they do.

And I cannot expect change.

Then forget it.

(Well, I dare say it is easier to blog it than to live it, but I will try my best. Trust me.)

2007 is over. I have spent so many months weeping and crying and wailing.

And making myself more miserable day after day.

So forget it.

Forget the unhappiness and the grievances and the many acts of annoyance.

And start living my life.

...

So like I said, I didn't manage to do as much sightseeing as I would have thought I might, or that you would have thought otherwise.

But it doesn't matter.

Because I found another facet of God here.

A facet that I wouldn't have been able to find had I spent the last of 2007 in NY in some count-down party with numerous guests and empty handshakes.

The thing about humans is that we are so goal-driven that we always want to measure the value of any thing--commodity, experience, etc--by the very objectives it achieves.

Which is not wrong.

If you are objective enough about the type of goals you set.

...

(I know this is turning out to be a very long blog entry; well, I guess it is bcause I really have many connected thoughts which relate somewhat to one another).

I don't know if I ever told you, but when I was 21 years old, I had two things I really wanted to do.

(Yes, 21 is quite a number of years away..*sobs*)

One was to get a tattoo.

Which I finally did get. Two years later.

The other...

which I never in the end got down to doing, unfortunately and sadly, was...

no no, not to get married.

It was to write a book.

About myself.

Yes, an autobiography.

And in case you are like, huh, thinking to yourself-- Who would want to read about you?

Well, nobody of course.

But that was strictly never meant to be a book about me.

Yes, it may be an autobiography but must the whole book be solely based on my existence?

Think about it. Maybe you can check up the meaning of the word and let me know.

Anyhow, in the event you are getting baffled about my bringing up of this forgotten dream, it is because,

for the very short time I am here, in Pittsburgh, in a friend's place, sleeping in a humble living room with lots of love and hospitality and encouragement and care,

I got started on the book.

Remember how I reflected in a previous entry:

I thrive on love. I thrive on care.

I thrive on respect.

And by being here, I am once reminded of the very elements that make me, me.

Which I have so conveniently forgot.

Where was my laughter?

Where was my concern for people?

Where was I?

I have misplaced them somewhere during the four months I have left sunny Singapore.

And isn't it ironic that I had to find them back in a place which is geographically much colder than NY?

When winters will easily go below 0C and snow usually abounds at this period of the year?

(Speaking of which, I have been especially lucky to not have run into bad weather yet...but I keep my fingers crossed because the weather forecast didn't look too promising and I am leaving tonight in a bus...so...)

...

What is in a life?

Not denial.

Not irresponsibility.

Not selfishness.

Not fear.

I will be 'starting' the rematch process tomorrow.

Am I afraid?

Well, if you ask me before the New Year, I would say yes.

Right now...

ya lo. What is there to be afraid of?

There are plenty of things to do rather than be preoccupied by fear.

Come 6th jan, when my 3-month 'health probation' is up, I will start taking yoga and dance classes.

I will also want to find time to go jogging once or twice a week.

I have borrowed some children books in Spanish, which I will want to read every night.

Note, now, I say I will want to do something. I don't even say I will do something.

I will want to continue writing my book (although first, I need to find the software which can allow me to type in Chinese font. Please forward me any links if you come across them. Thanks in advance).

And two other important items in my agenda include:

Seeking God and His word (which is very closely related to my book, by the way).

Reading about anatomy and applying it to my own study of Yoga and Pilates.

The timetable was re-organized last night as I prepared myself for bed.

...

You know, there are many things we never expect to happen.

I never had expected these 4 months to be such a revealing and painful (in some senses) journey.

Nor had I expected it to be so gruelling to make me forget the kind of person I was and what I was trying to become.

Or so monotonous and draining to have depreciated the many little hopes and dreams and aspirations of traveling and dancing and having my little confectionary or studio that I used to have.

But like it or not, hate it all I can,

things happened and unfolded in a way I never expected.

I came here with the most perfect picture of the way life can be. That was my fault.

So it was only right that I had to be reminded that life is not a straight path, but one that consists of valleys and peaks.

That no matter where I am--the Northern Hemisphere or the Southern, the tropics or the temperates--that is the way it was going to be.

Frankly, I never expected myself to realize that home (the real one ok..) is the best.

I too needed to be out to be reminded of that.

I needed to experience the unhappiness in another home setting (again, how ironic) to remember that.

And that no matter how many faults we may each incur, willingly or accidentally,

at the end of the day, that doesn't discount the responibility towards the very hierarchy that raised us.

...

Here's to a happier and more fulfilling 2008! For you and me.

=)