Good-bye NY. Hello, home.

I am sorry that I have been missing from MSN Chat. The current machine does not have it installed and the host dad is very strict about it and so...(I had to get his permission to install Voipbuster, and it was like a repeated plea for him to look at it)

Anyhow, you probably know that I have made up my mind to go home.

I asked myself once again if I could bear with everything and last 7 months. That way I wouldn't need to pay for anything, right?

(Well, actually not. I have to pay less but I still have to pay.)

And deep down inside, I know I can.

If if if...

it is just about minding the kids.

I have had trouble earlier because I didn't know how to interact with them. The truth is, I love them. I earnestly do.

I love them because they are bright and cute and smart and funny and sweet.

Like how AJ will offer me an apple.

And how Kathryn will give me a boo-boo bear for my booboo.

And how Kasey will whisper in my ear that he loves me.

I think they are nice. I love them.

I really do.

But the housework is just too much for me.

On tuesday, I was working until I think I will just faint. Literally.

And no, I am not joking. I remember having blurred vision and spinny head,

I am kind of feeling that way right now...a difference being that I am not working now. I am blogging.

But I am tired. Really physically tired.

I think I am falling sick and that is why, despite the fact that I have a metro card today, I don't think I will go out.

Tomorrow is a long day. Massive laundry. Cakes to bake. Changing of sheets.

Saturday is another long day. From 930am to 730pm. No break.

Sunday is another long long long day. 730am to 730pm. A 2 hour break in between.

I really think this is the hardest I have worked ever in my life.

So really, don't complain.

Because I am there to pad you.

(I can imagine Bing smacking my butt for saying that. Sorry, don't get me wrong, Bing. I am just saying, at least you get a reasonable rate. I am so exhausted, am on the brink of breaking point and I am just a meagre servant/maid.)

....

I know Sebastian and Jeff are reading my blog so this paragraph goes out to you:

Don't come and fetch me at the airport. I am probably landing on the wee hours of the morning.

And yes, I know you guys don't need sleep. I don't need a real-life testimonial of that.

...

Currently, the schedule is tentative.

I have initially planned on leaving immediately on Feb 13th but that is a Wednesday.

I attend Spanish class illegally now and I really hope to go for that class. And so I think I will.

I will therefore head for the airport in the wee hours of the 14th.

Tentatively, my flight is a 630am one. I am likely to be touching down on the 15th. I don't know; I have to wait for the confirmation before I book my tickets.

...

I have learnt many lessons here.

Many important lessons.

Of which I probably can't get in Singapore.

For one, I wouldn't have ever set foot in a police station. So that was an eye-opener.

I wouldn't have understood the many reasons people want to be in the US.

I wouldn't have realized how much I can rely on myself.

I wouldn't have realized how inconvenient it can be to travel alone.

I wouldn't have learnt how to interact with kids.

I wouldn't have learnt that life doesn't always work the way you want it.

I wouldn't have discovered how close God is.

I wouldn't have unveiled my gift of writing

(In case you are baffled why I say that: I had gone to take a placement in the community college before I decide to quit so that I can take Spanish here. The placement test is a series of open-ended questions like how old I am, what did I do yesterday, what will you do tomorrow, etc..except that it is in Spanish. It was supposed to take me only 15minutes, but I took an hour. Because I had too much to write! In fact, one guy had come in when I was one-quarter through and left before I even had a chance to finish. So the professor took my script and looked at it and asked me where I had learnt my Spanish. I just said, home. She gave an exclamation "Now we have a problem". I could only scratch my head at her comment. It was so bafling. What did she mean???

Well, and she took me into her office and told me that I was writing better than many native Hispanoamericans--people who speak Spanish as a native language--and I can only smile in embarassment. Because of the fact I was writing so well, she had trouble placing me. The truth is, I had gone with the mindset of being placed in Spanish II but she was suggesting Spanish III. So, she went to talk with another professor, talked with him and he said he would like me in his class. The only problem was that the class would be in espanol. I said I really wanted to try and so that is why I have classes. And I absolutely love it. It is just a pity I have to let it go though...I guess it is just one of those things you know you gotta do. Like I said, life doesn't always go the way we want it. Hopefully, I will find a job that can allow me to pursue it further)

Anyhow, if you were to ask me how I am feeling right now, I can only say...

Relief and grief.

I am grieved that I haven't had a chance to learn dance here.

5 months in NY. Not a single chance to attend class.

How ironic is that?

Well.

Life is always full of ironies.

The lab technician (my language lab for the Spanish class) was saying this to the class yesterday:

(It was more of a 'warning' to tell people to not abuse the computer facility. We have to do lab. We use the computers to practise speaking and writing)

Don't play computer games here. Lab is important. School is important. Make full use of your time.

Make full use of your time.

And yes...by being here, I wasn't making full use of it.

*smiles*

I will go get the groceries now. I have nothing to eat for lunch.

See you...soon.

I miss you. Everyone. And thanks for missing me.

Hasta luego.

See you after Valentine's Day!

Frankly, I don't know if you would be relieved or upset when you hear this.

But whatever it is, it is going to happen.

I am returning home on the week of Valentine's Day.

...

What happened, I hear you ask.

Hhmm...tough question.

Today is my fourth day of work in the new family. I have been working from 7am to 7pm with a 2hr supposed break which really wasn't a break.

Yesterday was my third day of work. I was up chasing kids around the Museum of Natural History and getting yelled at for being inattentive.

Friday was my second day of work. I was working from 630am to 730pm. I had laundry to do, cooking to finish up and groceries to buy. When the host dad came home to find the clothes unfinished, he asked me what I have been doing the whole day. And you know what? I have been working the whole day. And I was exhausted.

And no, I am not joking. I am not joking at all.

Thursday was my first day of work. Then, I still had some peace and quiet and everything was still good. I was still feeling blessed...but that was only the beginning of my worst nightmare. And the saddest/stupidest/most incredible thing was...I hadn't the least idea of it at all.

...

Call me gullible. Call me naive.

Call me haughty. Call me arrogant.

It was really too much.

If you are grumbling about insufficient pay and long working hours, then my plight should perhaps give you some consolation.

How much per hour am I paid currently?

$3.57.

No kidding.

How many work hours have I per week?

45.

Not one hour less.

And Singapore's labour regulation caps it at 44, in case you didn't know.

...

What is child-care? What exactly is child-care related duties?

Taking care of the kid?

In terms of what?

Nobody knows.

I should have asked. I was stupid enough to not have asked.

How was I to know?

Well, then I was stupid enough to assume.

Stupid, so so so stupid.

So incredibly stupid.

That Thursday night was the beginning of my estrangement from God.

...

I should have guessed from the first sign. I didn't.

Wednesday was supposed to be my rest day. I was dead beat and tired and the host dad wanted me to be up early to follow them to school before I go home to pick up my stuff.

I was tired. But it didn't matter to him.

And he even want to take that day from me. *laughs bitterly*

So I went to pick up the stuff after waking up at 6am in the morning.

Ok...

I was stupid. I didn't take that sign.

I went to pick up my stuff. And in the evening, he requested that I follow him to the childcare center even when he said "it is your choice".

Note the irony. he said that it was my choice, but he requested anyway.

I was tired. But it didn't matter to him.

Ok...

I was stupid. Nothing occured to me. I was just pissed. *laughs bitterly again*

I didn't like his tone of talking to me. He always commanded me like I am a servant.

I didn't like it but I was stupid.

So on Thursday night, when the host mum approached me with the handbook of duties, I was initally happy.

I like guidelines. A system is always a system. Helps to maintain order in rowdiness.

But what I was told was to my utter horror.

I have to wash the toilet once every two weeks.

I have to vacuum the rugs in the kids' room twice every week.

I have to mop the kitchen floor every night and twice on a weekend.

I have to clean the mirrors and tap and basin in the bathroom every morning.

I have to vacuum the living room rug every night.

I have to tidy up the playroom every morning and make sure that the house is neat and tidy when the kids get home.

I have to make sure that the kids' room are clean and neat, which equates into cleaning up after the kids.

I have to wipe the tables clean after they eat.

I have to mop the playroom twice every week.

On top of all this, the laundry and the typical 'childcare' chores.

I have to get them breakfast.

I have to get them into the shower.

I have to dress them.

I have to brush their teeth twice a day.

I have to keep them entertained.

Wow!

My day starts at 630am from Monday to Friday.

It ends at 730pm.

Don't get me wrong though, I don't work the whole day.

But I tell you, the laundry and miscellaneous activities are enough to kill time.

I took the whole day to do their laundry. Only to have the host dad asking me, "what have you been doing the whole day?"

Well! I was partying!

I was skiving. I was sleeping on my bed.

I was snacking. I went to tour NYC!

I didn't even have time for a proper lunch that day.

And that night, I made up my mind.

...

When I first told people I was coming to USA to become an au pair, most people jeered at my decision.

9 out of 10 people tell me that I would be coming here to be a maid.

I was resolute that was not the case. I was determined to prove them wrong!

But maybe, maybe that is the partial truth.

Or maybe it was just me and my gullibility.

I take everything that is said for real. Because that is my principle, and I expect it to be the same with other people.

But then...I realize there will always be grey areas.

Grey areas which nobody can resolve.

And it is just my sheer bad luck to land myself in one of those patches.

...

My counselor asked me if I was really ok with the decision to go home.

Why should I not be?

What is at stake? My pride? Or the price of an air ticket?

My self-value? Or the label of being a quitter?

...I had thought I could pull it through seven months, so when the h0st mum asked if I could stay till the end of the month to kind of eased her situation, I was really contemplative about it.

She kind of asked it in a way such that maybe we could work something out and I may 'illegally' get to travel a little bit.

I was really thinking about that option.

Come on...I have been in NY for so long and I hadn't even been to a Broadway show.

I hadn't even gone to visit the Statue of Liberty yet!

I hadn't visited the Grand Canyon, or California!

I had done nothing, because I had believed I will stay to the end of my program.

I didn't prepare to quit. I was prepared to stick to the very end.

So when I thought about the whole situation...

I thought...

I really thought I could hang on.

But when I woke up this morning, physically and mentally exhausted,

and I stand right here writing to you with fuzzy thoughts because I am really fatigued,

and I think about the events of the day--

How I didn't get to eat my lunch because I was out wrestling with one of the kids to get him to eat and the parents were down there happily enjoying their meals,

How I had to keep the kids company when the host dad went to take a nap in the afternoon on the pretext of 'having some work to do',

How he keeps commanding me and ordering me about as if I were of a lower status (and he is Asian by the way: he is just American),

How he tells me 'it is not a big deal' for me to pay my whole bus trips when I go out and that the bus ticket is just for work,

How I am so physically exhaused I don't even have the mood or time to do dance or yoga even when I am in the city,

How he was sitting on the sofa relaxing and watching tv as I physically dragged the kid to the bathroom to shower (when I was told that 'there will always be someone around to help you; we always make sure we give you an extra pair of hands. And the funny thing is, my mum had questioned the validity of this and she is right! ha...)

How I have to wash the pots manually after dinner every night because the host mum just conveniently decides that she will dry the pots (and she said that 'we have this rule. Whoever doesn't cook has to wash up...and that person becomes me)

You know. I don't say much.

I don't usually fight for myself because I think I am pretty tolerant of many things.

But I figured I have had enough.

What is childcare?

Care for a child.

What does care mean?

...I don't know. I really don't know.

And you know what. I have decided that I do not want to find out.

...

I wrote my counselor two long emails.

I told her I accept the fact that I cannot deliver their expectations.

I told her I acknowledge the fact that I am not the au pair the program needs.

I told her I didn't come here to do the version of a maid back home.

I told her, maybe it was a cultural difference. And I accept that.

When the host mum called me up that Friday, she didn't tell me all that.

She only asked if I could swim. She only asked if I knew how to speak Mandarin.

She only said she wanted someone who could teach the kids more Mandarin and that someone who could enforce the same kind of discipline they were cultivating.

What did I see?

The kids still throw their tantrums.

"Oh, they are just four years old".

The kids still misbehaved.

"On, they act up once in a while".

Yeah, a high frequency for that to be classified as 'a while' for the four days I am here.

I thought it was a God-centered family.

But believe it or not, I can't feel God here.

Ironically, I feel estranged from God more than ever.

More than ever.

...

Is going home the best decision?

I don't know.

I just know I cannot stand it anymore.

I know I am crumbling.

Physically and mentally.

Maybe what the host mum said is true--the counselor told me to speak to the hosts and I did. The host mum said that she had not witnessed any love for children from me for the past few days.

Maybe she is right. Maybe I don't love children.

I have always thought I love children. Maybe I was wrong.

Like, I have always assumed childcare means care for the child.

Which means getting their meals ready, and their laundry done and all.

But I am wrong.

But really, it doesn't matter.

Just like it didn't matter what others thought about this decision to buy the air ticket home.

In fact, I was thinking to myself, it didn't even matter if R didn't support me (I kind of thought he wouldn't, but it turns out that he does support my decision) because I know deep down inside, that is something I need to do.

I have never stood up for what I believe in. And I think it is time that I do so.

...

So people...I will be back for my birthday this year ok.

Please date me out.

I will be waiting.

For your many presents.

And your presence.

And I will also be waiting.

With appreciation.

Thanks people. Thanks for being here with me.

It was a dream that failed to realize.

I came here thinking I would have all the time in the world to pursue what I believe in.

I failed.

But I tried.

=) And that is enough, right?

At least, I once believed that it was possible.

And I know I will still want to try to come back to this part of the world. Maybe to just learn dance for three months. Or just study Spanish for a month.

Well...the fact is,

Life is full of possibilities.

If you can try to take the first step to explore.

My last day

It is my last day today.

Did I make you go *grasp*?

Yes, that is the intended idea.

Well, the truth is, that was supposed to be the beginning statement of Friday's entry.

(Don't try to find it. You won't be able to see that entry because I didn't have the chance to write it. And the reason why I didn't have the chance was because I was just too caught up with packing up. The proper and the miscellaneous.)

(The proper is for, the proper, as in my formal departure from the family and the miscellanoeous is for the miscellaneous --duh-- but no, it was more for my short trip to Boston.)

So anyway, while Friday was *technically* my last day, today is my last last day.

I am however, blogging from my new place.

...

There are a dozen things I really need to tell you about, and I hope I remember!

The truth is, I am very sleep-deprived. I am very tired.

I had planned to go down to school to take a placement but I just can't do it because I am so tired!

I woke up at 6am. Why so early?

Um, because I always wake up around that time?

And because the kids were up already and they were making a lot of noise. Not that it matters, really.

And also maybe because I wasn't really used to sleeping in a new environment.

I don't know.

Maybe I miss home. Like the real home home?

Maybe I miss my family. Like my blood family family?

I don't know.

...

I had gone out with them at 8am in the morning. After dropping the kids and the mum, we went straight to my former place.

My new host dad is Chinese, by the way. My new host mum is American. Their children are triplets *grasp* aged 4.

Yes, which I have absolutely no experience handling.

So when the host dad (new) asked me in the car, was I looking forward to leaving?

I said yes and no.

I mean, yes, of course.

You know...on the Sunday before the Monday I was leaving for Boston, the mum had cleared the pantry area.

I found the big tub of oats empty, the empty tub sitting on the shelf, waiting to be cleared into the recycling bin.

I eat that.

And I found the coffee-mixer taken apart and almost waiting for disposal.

The coffee-mixer was taken out from the shelf for me, because I am the only one who brews coffee in the morning.

So...

no, I am not trying to get you to induce anything. I said nothing.

I just hope she was in a good mood that day to clean the houses.

Although I am not sure why the stack of dishes from Friday was still there on Monday morning, piled under an immense pile of dishes which the circus spinner could really perform an exciting trip with (you know all those artistes who spin plates on sticks? That is what I am talking about.)

But seriously, so why yes?

I hope I answered your queries already.

So, why no?

Because that is really a simple and easy life I am leaving behind.

Think about it.

I wake up in the morning at 630am. I cook my breakfast and I wake the kids up and get them ready for school.

Yes, I feel exasperated when I have to drag them out from the bed because they sleep so late and they have so much trouble waking up.

And yes I feel frustrated when the older kid gives me hell.

Yes, I feel emotionally drained.

Yes, I don't like the fact that I can't be the joyful and smiley me I want to be. I can only be the strict, glum-faced me I don't like to be.

But it is still an easy life.

Yes, after that I get the day free and all I can do all day is surf the web or watch TV.

But it is a lazy life.

Yes, I can't really go anywhere out because my driving sucks and commuting to the city just leaves me enough time to go to the station, head to the city and back.

But it is a no-stress environment.

After I have picked them up from the after-school care, it is just preparing dinner and all.

No frills. straightforward.

I get pissed off by the fact that the older kid tries to not shower (don't ask me why) but it is ok.

I get irked by the fact that the younger kid always forgets her homework (don't ask me why too) but who cares.

After that, I get the night off and watch TV.

It is like that. Day in day out.

Easy life. So easy I can feel my brain cells rotting one by one (by the way, brain cells don't rot. They just die.)

Solitary life. So solo that the nearest friend is half an hour away and I can't even meet up with her.

So I told the host dad, no, because it is leaving my comfort zone.

And he said, that is life.

You need to move on because else, you will get bored.

Indeed.

...

The current house is really much more minute in comparison to the previous residence.

Even the host dad had to agree so.

But really, (and he said it himself), who needs a big house when you need to spend three hours commuting to and fro from the city? When you can spend that three hours of time with your kids?

I am not sure if you remember, but if you don't, let me help you refresh your memory.

The previous host dad always keeps the kids up late because he wants to spend quality time with the kids.

*coughs*

...

My room is really much smaller now.

But does it matter?

When I go backpacking, all I get is a bed.

Now I get a room. And a big bed.

I have TV in my room. A wardrobe.

The bathroom is common, but from what I have observed, the kids do have toilet manners. I certainly have not seen them not flushing the toilet after use.

And um, they are four.

I don't get my personal computer anymore but it is fine.

I mean, just take the time to do something else, like read or study.

And frankly, I really only need the computer to call home which I can do on Friday nights (when the parents go out for quality time) and during the day (when they go out to work).

You may not see me online as much. Just leave me a message. I can login using meebos.

It is all flexible.

So in a nutshell, do I like it so far?

Frankly, it is hard to say.

I like the lifestyle, that is for sure.

I like the fact that they have a lot of fruits and vegetables in the fridge.

I like the kids, that I am pretty certain.

I definitely do not find them obnoxious at all. In fact, I think they are so adorable in each of their little ways that really make me want to work for a relationship with them.

I like the values that they anchor on.

They are concordant to my own upbringing.

I like the city.

I am a city girl.

And although I can't say for sure if I will love it, I know I am here to stay at least till August.

And that I am here to really learn from these two people who are striving parents and understand how far they have come to bring up these children with the values that seem to have diminish from the society.

Let's just hope it all works out! =)

P/S: By the way, I am starting work tomorrow.

Moving on. Moving on.

I know it has been a super dupe long time since I last blogged.



(That is a *warning* that this entry will be super-dupe long.)



A week it was.



I didn't disappear from the surface from the Earth (I need to reaffirm you that by blogging).



And it is ridiculous how time passes.



Really.



Just last Wednesday, I was laying on the floor of the room and staring up into the ceiling.



Looking at what?



Nothing.



Hoping to see what?



Well, I don't know. I guess the closest answer would be God.



Where was God?



I knew deep inside my heart, I had to continue waiting.



But what am I waiting for?



I hadn't the least idea.



I only know I was starting to lose myself amidst all this wait.



I was starting to blur. That image of myself in my head was blurring...



It was getting all fuzzy.



All so fuzzy.



I just cannot recognize myself anymore.



Like I said, I hated myself for that very decision of waiting.



Ha. God and me. In conflict. Doesn't that sound like all of us?



...



I woke up on Friday telling myself I have had enough.



No more of this stupid ridiculous stint of humoring myself to please some brainless ignorant unreasonable kids.



Why should I do that? I have better things to do in my life.



I can humour my boss. And at least, I won't despise myself so much because I get a *normal* life.



I can humour my mother. I won't hate myself so much too--I have so much to make up for.



I can humour ...I don't know. I just want to go home.



And my mind was so set up that very morning that I had gone to the library to borrow 8 big books on the USA.



I was planning to go down to Central America first to brush up my Spanish and at the same time, do some volunteer work.



It will be tough.



But it will be something that is closer to my heart.



No, I am not some noble being who believes in saving the world.



I just believe that if I were given a choice of staying here and seeking such an 'Experience of a lifetime', I would rather pay my own air ticket and head my own version of that.



Staying here is just a fight I cannot win. Not anymore.



So after hearing R out, I have decided that I will be thick-skinned enough to stay until Feb 17.



That will give me sufficient time to plan the logistics of moving from here down to Central America before I head to Canada.



It is not a perfectly ideal situation, but at least I know--for once, again--what I am doing.



That afternoon, I had gone to the library and borrowed 8 books on California, Washington, Canada nd Costa Rica.



...



The way things twist is a little unexpected.



On Friday, I had decided to go against my usual schedule of preparing meatloaf at 4pm. I started preparing at 3pm, thinking that I will take a break from 330pm to 430pm and look through my travel books.



As I was making the meatloaf, the phone rang.



I have realized that more often than not, the calls are nuisance sales calls which I shouldn't be paying attention to.



So I ignored it.



As it rang...I decided...I could pick it up if I could reach it in time. So I started walking towards it. That was the third ring already.



The phone rings four times before getting directed to voice mail.



Let's just put it this way: The chance of me answering that call was slim.



So I walked over and picked it up at the last ring of the fourth ring.



It was a call for me.



Huh? I went.



And she said very quickly she was a host family...blar blar blar.



Huh? I went again.



She went on to ask me about my swimming abilities and if I spoke Mandarin.



Huh? I thought to myself.



...



And so it did.



With a strange twist of fate.



Someone actually called me.



After 9 days of waiting.



The thing is, for this host family, she also believed that it was God behind everything.



She was scheduled to have an au pair arrive next week. Her visa was denied and she was just informed.



Wah.



So she has been frantically calling up potential candidates.



I was just one of them.



...



I enjoyed talking with her. I thought it was a pretty good conversation.



And ...



I just can't help but marvel at God's plan.

Just another soul in the world

I can't describe how beaten I feel right now.

Yes, beaten.

When I had thought today was just supposed to be another day of mere disagreement with him, it had to escalate into something more.

And I have no one to turn to.

No one at all. Say yay!

...

The car tyre had gone flat.

According to the older kid, it has never happened before.

Wow. How amazing.

I just cannot believe it.

I bet no one has had three accidents, been to the police station and then encountered a flat tyre in 5 months.

Can you believe that? That is my record.

Say yay.

...

I don't know what to think of all these events.

I am feeling so sick myself. I have had a bad throat for two days already. My nose is sniffy. I have a throbbing headache.

But I am still responsible for the kids. Big deal.

What am I worth?

Say yay.

So when she was not feeling well and the childcare center had to call me up, never mind that I had planned to nap during the afternoon.

Never mind that I was not feeling well myself. The kids are my utmost reponsibility!

And then, because I had class today, I left the car outside since I have been severely warned "PLEASE DO NOT EVER DRIVE THE CAR AGAIN" (I am not sure if I mentioned it before but there was one time when I took the car out and I reached home only to get a little reprimand from her).

And then the tyre had to go flat.

Yay Yay Yay!

Three cheers!

And the young one had a tantrum because she was feeling tired.

Yay Yay Yay!

And I am all sniffy and sick and blue in the face and I really really start to wonder about the value of my life.

What am I doing here?

Can someone tell me?

People take sabbatical so that they can progress in their line of work.

Others take vacations for a worthy cause like street children and the underprivileged.

And me?

....

This is the one time I am blogging my thoughts without first going through R.

And it is funny, because I realize, every time we have a big disagreement, something will always happen.

And that will be kind of how we made up.

I had that same impulse just now--to sms him and tell him what is happening.

But I didn't.

Because somehow, it didn't seem likely that it mattered to him.

At all.

Or maybe, I never mattered to anybody.

....

I found out not too long ago that I need to give two weeks' notice before I can leave formally.

And I am really thinking if I should even hold on to 21st to give my notice.

(Yes, if you are counting the dates, I give my notice on the 21st, I need to stay till Feb. Damn it. I was hoping to leave by the end of the month.)

I think my whole stint is a big joke.

I mock myself.

So much.

I hate myself.

So much!!!!

I have thought that this whole self-loathe and hatred will disappear with the afternoon but the flat tyre brought it back.

Might as well.

Say yay.

Say yay for the fact that I am but a big stupid joke.

And that I am just another helpless soul wandering around on the surface of the earth.

Say thanks for the glass that I have

It is very very easy and tempting to think about what you don't have than what you have.

I speak for myself, at least.

Just last night, I had called up my counselor about the situation and I was told that I would probably get a month's stay at most.

Which is...not really a piece of good news.

Because earlier on the day, I had just convinced myself I will hang on till March before I formally depart from here.

(And trust me, it was really 'just').

And yes, if you interpreted me correctly, if I can hang on till March, my plan is to head straight home. No more waiting for potential families. No more sloughing for an American family.

But as it turns out,

The perfect plan thought by Man can never thwart the will of the Almighty.

...

Frankly, I am pissed.

For one, the counselor was putting restrictions on my search.

It is frustrating.

Never had I expressed the desire to not drive again and she has self-righteously declared so in her search for my rematches.

Never had I once said that I want to be confined to just the house but yes, she has also so righteously declared this as another limit.

Never had the host parents said that I was a reckless driver; they were just concerned.

Whatever it is, I am annoyed that she took the matter into her own hands and stipulated the unbelievable conditions.

Think about it:

In this country where mobility is reliant on an automobile, how far can you get in a request to 'not drive at all'?

I am angry that she is taking the matter into her own hands and not really considering my point of view objectively.

Although honestly, I feel more dismay than annoyance.

My decision to stay till March was so that I could have Baptism here before heading home. I would have 9 more weeks then.

Why do I want to be baptised here, you ask.

Because it is a place of special significance to me, not to mention the fact that the Church has an alluringly exquisite infrastructure.

So really, 9 weeks isn't a long time.

Plus! 9 weeks will give me ample time to finish up on the chiro- treatment.

Not to mention sufficient time for me to head for some dance class after my 'confinement'.

But now, all I have in fact is 4 weeks!

Argh!

4 weeks!!!!

...

And it dawned onto me that I was once staring into a glass that is half-empty.

I wanted so much to slap myself--haven't I been convincing myself to always look at things from the other perspective?

What was I doing?

What am I doing?

...

So when that revelation hit me, I realized that frankly,

Maybe that really was what was meant to happen.

I run into people with different working styles. I run into people who thwart my plans.

Fact of life.

I run into situations with undesirable outcomes. I run into situations which are uncomfortable.

Fact of life.

This morning, L was just sharing with me once again.

(I loved talking to her. I gave her a nice sold box of chocolates for Christmas and I bet her kids love it.)

Accept the fact that I am not into childcare.

I don't know if I had shared this before but half the time, I have been wondering about what is wrong with me.

Why do other au pairs love this and I don't?

Just what is my problem?

And L said something very funny (pardon her if you are into childcare. She probably said it to console me).

It is for the dumber people.

She said that her friends who were better mothers (she has a hard time with her kids too because the only activity she enjoys with them is homework..and I have to confess I kind of share the same sentiments. Recall: I was all passionate in coming here to teach them the Chinese Language that I even bought books just for this!) are dumber (to her).

For people who need intellectual stimulation, it is just not the thing to do.

It echoes what X had told me before: Because of the very nature of the society I originated from, all this stuff inevitably bore me.

I need movement. Pace.

I need stimulation, all the time.

Which I also don't know if it is a good thing or not.

Anyway, L ended off by telling me to acknowledge that:

Accept that you are just not into childcare! It is not a shame...

There are other things you are cut out to do. Stop fitting yourself into a mould.

And for the first time, I realized maybe that was the situation.

I keep fitting myself into moulds.

Moulds that may not suit me.

Either in personality, or character.

And all that I really needed to do then, is perhaps to leave for home.

I don't know. I guess, for now, I will leave that option open.

Until the time comes, there is really no need to think too much.

All I need to do is remember to be thankful for that glass I once had.

The remnants of 2007 all tied up

I am now writing from Pittsburgh,

I am in my friend's house, using her computer while she is sleeping (I asked for permission already) and trying to blog before I get ready to shower as I get ready to pack and leave for 'home'.

I hope you had a good/meaningful/wonderful/delightful New Year's Eve.

...

It felt good spending the last of 2007 in a place filled with warmth and love.

I am being extreme, you say? How can there be such a big difference?

But it is a big difference. Really.

...

I didn't actually do much sightseeing while I was here.

I know I should. I mean, it is like the 'expected' thing to do when you visit a foreign place, is it not?

If I hadn't told you, by the way, I have been in NY for nearly four months now and I hadn't actually gone about exploring the place.

So yes, that was supposed to stick your foot into your mouth.

*laughs*

Am I in a good mood? Well...

Yes and no.

My usual answer.

Yes, because I am feeling happy. That is the truth.

No, because I am going home later. Which I kind of dread.

But well, that is just a fact of life. We take a break so that we will have the energy and means to continue our voyage.

So, since I hadn't done much sightseeing, what have I been doing?

That is a tough question but if I may generalize,

then it will be, remembering my very existence and the very essence of being me.

Sounds too ridiculous?

Yeah, I know.

But really, this very short trip here has led me to think and ponder over many things.

My friend and her husband are both working in their endeavour to become scientists, a venture that I thought I have long gotten over about.

In my conversations with them for the past few days, I found myself wondering if I have really gotten over it.

I enjoy the brainstorming process. I enjoy reading journals and putting ideas together. I enjoy conceiving experiments.

And the worst thing is, I was good at it.

But alas, I left research because I hated the monotony nature of it,

And no, there was no way I could get out of it. I can so clearly remember how I used to dread going to school.

Therein lies one revelation: We often have forgotten thoughts about our endeavour.

Wait, maybe I shouldn't say 'we'; maybe I should say 'I'.

Even though I may have, at one point thought I can't be anymore clear about my stand.

The truth about life is that for so many things, there is no pick-and-choose-the-ones-you-want-and-you-can-leave-whatever-you-don't-want-behind option.

Take marriage for example:

You cant say that you love the idea of being together when you don't quarrel and hate the idea of being a couple when you argue.

It is a package deal.

The same with many, or maybe all, things in life.

So I was once again reminded about why I didn't like research.

...

I talked to G about many things,

And she shared with me something which I am sure many of you have been trying to tell me (and I am sorry I hadn't taken heed. I am a little slow and I apologize for that):

Leave that ugly parcel of life behind.

Yes, I cannot change the fact that they will treat me the way they do.

And I cannot expect change.

Then forget it.

(Well, I dare say it is easier to blog it than to live it, but I will try my best. Trust me.)

2007 is over. I have spent so many months weeping and crying and wailing.

And making myself more miserable day after day.

So forget it.

Forget the unhappiness and the grievances and the many acts of annoyance.

And start living my life.

...

So like I said, I didn't manage to do as much sightseeing as I would have thought I might, or that you would have thought otherwise.

But it doesn't matter.

Because I found another facet of God here.

A facet that I wouldn't have been able to find had I spent the last of 2007 in NY in some count-down party with numerous guests and empty handshakes.

The thing about humans is that we are so goal-driven that we always want to measure the value of any thing--commodity, experience, etc--by the very objectives it achieves.

Which is not wrong.

If you are objective enough about the type of goals you set.

...

(I know this is turning out to be a very long blog entry; well, I guess it is bcause I really have many connected thoughts which relate somewhat to one another).

I don't know if I ever told you, but when I was 21 years old, I had two things I really wanted to do.

(Yes, 21 is quite a number of years away..*sobs*)

One was to get a tattoo.

Which I finally did get. Two years later.

The other...

which I never in the end got down to doing, unfortunately and sadly, was...

no no, not to get married.

It was to write a book.

About myself.

Yes, an autobiography.

And in case you are like, huh, thinking to yourself-- Who would want to read about you?

Well, nobody of course.

But that was strictly never meant to be a book about me.

Yes, it may be an autobiography but must the whole book be solely based on my existence?

Think about it. Maybe you can check up the meaning of the word and let me know.

Anyhow, in the event you are getting baffled about my bringing up of this forgotten dream, it is because,

for the very short time I am here, in Pittsburgh, in a friend's place, sleeping in a humble living room with lots of love and hospitality and encouragement and care,

I got started on the book.

Remember how I reflected in a previous entry:

I thrive on love. I thrive on care.

I thrive on respect.

And by being here, I am once reminded of the very elements that make me, me.

Which I have so conveniently forgot.

Where was my laughter?

Where was my concern for people?

Where was I?

I have misplaced them somewhere during the four months I have left sunny Singapore.

And isn't it ironic that I had to find them back in a place which is geographically much colder than NY?

When winters will easily go below 0C and snow usually abounds at this period of the year?

(Speaking of which, I have been especially lucky to not have run into bad weather yet...but I keep my fingers crossed because the weather forecast didn't look too promising and I am leaving tonight in a bus...so...)

...

What is in a life?

Not denial.

Not irresponsibility.

Not selfishness.

Not fear.

I will be 'starting' the rematch process tomorrow.

Am I afraid?

Well, if you ask me before the New Year, I would say yes.

Right now...

ya lo. What is there to be afraid of?

There are plenty of things to do rather than be preoccupied by fear.

Come 6th jan, when my 3-month 'health probation' is up, I will start taking yoga and dance classes.

I will also want to find time to go jogging once or twice a week.

I have borrowed some children books in Spanish, which I will want to read every night.

Note, now, I say I will want to do something. I don't even say I will do something.

I will want to continue writing my book (although first, I need to find the software which can allow me to type in Chinese font. Please forward me any links if you come across them. Thanks in advance).

And two other important items in my agenda include:

Seeking God and His word (which is very closely related to my book, by the way).

Reading about anatomy and applying it to my own study of Yoga and Pilates.

The timetable was re-organized last night as I prepared myself for bed.

...

You know, there are many things we never expect to happen.

I never had expected these 4 months to be such a revealing and painful (in some senses) journey.

Nor had I expected it to be so gruelling to make me forget the kind of person I was and what I was trying to become.

Or so monotonous and draining to have depreciated the many little hopes and dreams and aspirations of traveling and dancing and having my little confectionary or studio that I used to have.

But like it or not, hate it all I can,

things happened and unfolded in a way I never expected.

I came here with the most perfect picture of the way life can be. That was my fault.

So it was only right that I had to be reminded that life is not a straight path, but one that consists of valleys and peaks.

That no matter where I am--the Northern Hemisphere or the Southern, the tropics or the temperates--that is the way it was going to be.

Frankly, I never expected myself to realize that home (the real one ok..) is the best.

I too needed to be out to be reminded of that.

I needed to experience the unhappiness in another home setting (again, how ironic) to remember that.

And that no matter how many faults we may each incur, willingly or accidentally,

at the end of the day, that doesn't discount the responibility towards the very hierarchy that raised us.

...

Here's to a happier and more fulfilling 2008! For you and me.

=)