Opting out

It is Friday, the last day of the week. I feel a little relieved, but it is just a little a little.

It is again another busy weekend awaiting.

Today, I rush home to go for a retreat, and I won't return home till Sunday, after which I have Tango classes in the evening.

And yes, that means my house chores are undone. That means I have to make sure I still have the energy to iron my clothes after dinner and do my laundry after I have done the ironing.

Those thoughts alone make me want to take MC on Monday.

I think I have this cycle constantly repeating: A senang weekend, and I feel too bored. I cramp my schedule up, and I feel that I need space. And then the cycle repeats, and repeats.

I never learn my mistakes.

I guess I like the caged life of a hamster.

...

The week has been a pretty calm one. No big disasters or big conflicts. Life just takes a normal step at one time.

That is good.

There has been issues to settle though. Tough ones.

R and I got a ticket to choose a flat in the BTO series. Due to some unforeseen circumstances on our sides, we are contemplating if we should give up this ticket.

And mind you, it is a good number.

While it hasn't been me initiating the decision to ballot for a flat, I was totally taken aback by his suggestion of opting out.

We are still praying about it.

The way I see it: we should just keep the number and get the place, not because I can definitely pay for it, but because it is just a matter of time before we get into such a situation again. So why not now than later? Why not now when we have the assets of time and energy?

And then there is my parents' annuity issue to settle.

Yes, that is a heavy burden, so heavy that sometimes I wish I had a choice to opt out of it. Like the ticket.

But of course, I can't do that.

I don't know if I ever told you but my parents know nothing about financial planning.

They have no savings. Their CPF is meagre. They have nothing except for the flat unit that I am staying in. Naturally then, it is me since my brother has proven time and again he is not trustworthy. I too wish he is, but he hasn't proven me wrong otherwise.

So I have really been working very hard, not so much for myself, but for them.

I am sorry if I sound like I am ranting--I am really not in the best of moods today, even though yes, I am thankful that it is Friday.

I am thankful it is Friday because I can finally take a break from my work, which is just miserably ... unpromisingly boring, for lack of a better word.

And it is ok if it is boring. I have learnt that most jobs are.

Type a document. Gosh. That can be boring.

Prepare a report. Gosh. That can be boring.

Write a speech. Gosh. That can be boring too!

Life can be boring, I accept that.

It is only when life gets unpromising that makes one lose heart.

Ever since that little episode about those seemingly insignificant lesson plans which I have taken so much heart to prepare, I have become very disconcerted.

Just how much am my efforts worth?

And I am not talking in monetary terms.

But the irony of the situation right now is, since I can't get the things I want, all I can do is to grit my teeth here.

And I can't help but wonder what I should look forward to. Is there anything to even look forward to?

(I bet there is--I am sure I will find it when my mood gets better.)

Can I opt out of the freedom of free will?

Can't God just mandate me what I should do next?