Not flying...no wings!

As I write this entry, I am still contending with disappointment.

Even though 1) I know it is a part of life 2) I wasn't very confident in the first place 3) I am not in reality as disappointed as I thought I would be, I am still feeling it a lot.

I didn't get through to the first round of the Chinese programme.

...

Everybody had thought that I stood a very big chance.

Chinese is my first language. I took Higher Chinese all the way until Pre-U. I have a distinction in the Special Paper. I have a Diploma in teaching Chinese as a foreign language. I have done so well in my HSK that I have been awarded a one-month scholarship by Hanban.

Ain't I competent enough?

I am sorry--I can't answer that.

I can't answer that because at this point in time, I am left wondering what I can do. What am I competent in?

...

My busmate asked me why ain't I in some high-flying garmen job.

I told her I am not good enough.

My colleague asked me why ain't I trying to land myself in some right-hand man position.

I said the same thing.

The motivational speakers will tell you to believe in yourself! Trust that you can achieve greater things. Aspire and you will get it!

Right.

If we all can do that so easily, the motivational speakers will be out of a job.

....

I am really sick of aiming high and getting nothing.

But I really don't know what I can do to flap my wings.

D$%^ it...

maybe I haven't got any wings in the first place.